Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

[Sage of Creation]

I wrote this little ditty for a game a while back ago and I just recently uncovered it via a cleaning session and I thought It'd be nice to share it with you guys. Keep in mind this really sucks and I fully accept that, but maybe you'll get a good chuckle from it.

My MP is gone,
My HP is low,
The monster I'm fighting, just casted slow,
The end of my sword, is as dull as a rock,
The armor I"m wearing consists of a sock,
But when I'm with you, my troubles disappear,
I feel like I've gathered, a million experience spheres.
Cuz I'm a HIGH LEVEL LOVER!!

Feel free to bash this all you like. I'd think it strange if you didn't.

[Manyak]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

What tune is this to?

[RPG Learner]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

best haiku lyrics for a song like that You win the prize!

[Shard]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

My best guess is Radar Lover by Judas Priest, close second being I Think We're Alone Now, Tiffany's version.

[Caciss]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

That isn't a haiku, Learner.

And, I think it's cute.

[Tsunami]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

It's kind of amusing.

[hitogoroshi]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

Finish the song. Seriously, you can tell it's corny of purpose, not just corny A work of..well, art is a strech. But it's awesome!

[Flatliner]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

Got nothing against it, but yeah, not a haiku.

It's pretty ok.

[Sage of Creation]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

What tune is this to?

Nothing. I made this up in my head. Think corny rap song sung by wierd al or something. but even then, he wouldn't touch those lyrics.

That isn't a haiku, Learner.

And, I think it's cute.

What's the difference between Haiku lyrics and regular lyrics? Thanks for the
cuteness vouch, though! I'm inclined to agree.

Finish the song. Seriously, you can tell it's corny of purpose, not just corny A work of..well, art is a strech. But it's awesome!

Yeah, work of art only if you've chopped your ears off. I don't know if I intend to actually finish it. I'm really bad at writing lyrics! Glad you like it though! Maybe I'll finish it and dedicate it to you.

[Caciss]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

A haiku is a 3 line poem, which abides by a specific syllable pattern.

Usually:

5
7
5

[Ryner]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

I like it.

[Roland Of Gilead]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

It's not bad. A little bland, but not truly horrible.

[neobi]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

But when I'm with you, my troubles disappear,
I feel like I've gathered, a million experience spheres.

You should have made the last line to something like:
"I feel like I've gathered, the ultimate experience sphere.

Because with it plural it doesn't rhyme. Or you could have changed the top line to:
"But when I'm with you, my trouble disappears,"

Because by making trouble singular you can change disappear to disappears and it will rhyme with spheres.

[Sage of Creation]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

You should have made the last line to something like:
"I feel like I've gathered, the ultimate experience sphere.

Because with it plural it doesn't rhyme. Or you could have changed the top line to:
"But when I'm with you, my trouble disappears,"

Because by making trouble singular you can change disappear to disappears and it will rhyme with spheres.

Hey, I never noticed that. Thanks! You know... with my mad lyric skillz and
your craaaazy grammer skillz... we could take over the world!!

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: Contender for cheesiest lyrics known to man

Weird Al's done worse. This is exactly the kind of thing I would expect of him.

A haiku IS generally in a syllable structure of 5-7-5, but another common structure is 7-9-7.

The shortness of the first two lines is distracting against the length of the other lines, and the longevity of the syllabic structure of the 2nd to last line kills the flow quite effectively.

It's not bad, but it's certainly nothing groundbreaking.