The science of comedy

[Kefka Jr.]

I am writing a screenplay.

I have a line here that I want to make funny. I am not saying this is a great line, or even if it makes sense in context, but I am curious to see what potential it has as a standalone gag.

A detective, Lance, takes Josh, a guy whose friend was kidnapped, to a bar to talk about the situation, and the topic switches to relationships. Josh asks Lance if he has a girlfriend, to which he replies (funny part in italics):

Lance
Me? Nah. [Waves off notion with a short laugh.] Not me. I'm not much for companionship. I can appreciate a woman, just not quite the same way as other fellas. Which is funny, ‘cause PI’s like me often say that the finesse involved in solving a tough case is like making love to a woman, which, they say, is like playing a fine violin, which is a lot like riding a bike, which is actually pretty similar to reeling in a big fish. [Gestures the size of the fish.]

In response, Josh stares at the counter for a moment, then takes another drink.

What can be done to make this funnier? I was thinking maybe the order of the comparisons (playing a violin, riding a bike, fishing), but I think it's pretty funny the way it is now. Maybe the word choice? I wasn't so sure about "finesse"...

Any ideas?

[RPGD]

Re: The science of comedy

EDIT: Nevermind, I misread.

[Translucid]

Re: The science of comedy

Reading it gives me an inward chuckle. Seeing it in a movie would garner a laugh from me. It seems fine the way it is.

[Ryner]

Re: The science of comedy

I think Josh needs a line in response.

[Magus]

Re: The science of comedy

I was thinking "Mm. Yes. Fish." A curt repsonse like that.

I think that's fine writing. But what about the actor's DELIVERY?

[John Mora]

Re: The science of comedy

It seems a really long way to go for a joke. Brevity is the soul of wit.

[Translucid]

Re: The science of comedy

This joke doesn't seem to long or complicated. If he had kept going with the euphemisms, then yes, it would have been too long and annoying.
Personally I think that if Josh does anything in response, he should only look at Lance for a second, maybe with some bewilderment. Then take a drink. The delivery would have to be tight though.

[Valkysas]

Re: The science of comedy

he should shout something in german completely out of the blue, and other people can hold up cards with subtitles, written in portugese.

[Kefka Jr.]

Re: The science of comedy

I was thinking about a response, but Josh is kind of an awkward guy who only really speaks when he's obliged to. That's the magic in the chemistry between him and Lance; Lance talks about crap and Josh just takes it. Maybe he COULD get SOMETHING in, though.

Mora, I appreciate wit, but I think that wasting the audience's (read: your) time can be funny. If the line makes people hit their foreheads and say "WHAT" with frustration, at least I will think it's funny.

Valk... I actually think I might do that. Not for this scene, but maybe another.

Magus, I'm getting Michael Robertson to be Lance. He should be more than eccentric enough.

And hey, as long as it garners laughs.

[Garr123]

Re: The science of comedy

I don't get how it's funny. No offense.

[Alzar]

Re: The science of comedy

[Insert offensive statement] [Insert "No offense"]

[RPGD]

Re: The science of comedy

That's 'cause it's out of context. It's the delivery that counts.

[Kefka Jr.]

Re: The science of comedy

Hey Garr, I do appreciate that you don't think it's funny. But would you at least say it was a waste of your time?

I mostly just wanted to see if it was possible to break down and improve a silly gag, to the point that everyone involved is sick of it, but to still recognize the fact that it is technically funny.

[Fushigi na Renamon]

Re: The science of comedy

For some reason, the line "Mmm, carp." comes to mind. But that's just my random brain.

It's a pretty good line as it is, but I like some of the other suggestions too.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: The science of comedy

My first thought as a response for Josh was an embarassed, hushed line like "... I like fish," implying that he has absolutely no idea how to appropriately continue the conversation, so he just says the first random thing that comes to mind.

Alternatives could be "My mom plays the violin" or "I haven't ridden a bike in years."

Awkward stuff like that seems funny to me, but then again, I may be completely unfunny on this point.