my new story

[calebknight]

I was wondering what anyone thought of this idea I have. Im creating a game about this guy Caleb. Hes the offspring of a certain king who reigned over all the land. One day a fire occured at his palace and his wife and son Caleb supposedly died His father grief stricken also died leaving the kingdom in shambles. The people split the kingdom into 5 sub parts. flash forward Caleb is in a town because of his tatoo he has he is recognized as the kings heir. However their is doubt over this because of the apparent death of Caleb. So they send him on a quest to find the 4 suns to prove that he is the true heir.

What does everyone think.

[Valkysas]

Re: my new story

how would finding these suns prove he's the king more than his tattoo?

[Red Dragon]

Re: my new story

King Arthur JRPG, replace Sword in the Stone with Tattoo, and send him on a quest to find X amount of things from various locales instead of him just being the king.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: my new story

I say throw in some dick villain trying to kill Caleb.

[calebknight]

Re: my new story

well the whole idea is alot different. its not that he has to prove that hes the king the tatoo does its just that in order to become the king he has too get those suns and take them to the high kings throne where he is ultimately tested. the true enemy is valorious who wants to use the suns because they hold alot of power. he plans to open the door of eternity to become a god and rule the world. the players have to stop him and only the true king can help them. the main character caleb is not who he seems to be and has a strange connection to a character whos made out to be an enemy and may be the only one who can stop valorious.

[Wavelength]

Re: my new story

Okay, your purpose was clearly to get honest feedback on your story, so I'm going to be brutally honest here.

What you've got in your first post really doesn't present anything interesting. Red Dragon said "King Arthur JRPG" and amazingly, from that, I think someone with moderate JRPG experience could probably guess most of what you originally wrote. That's not good. That's not the kind of story that's going to make people take the time to play your RPGM3 game.

Your update is a little better. I've seen it all before, but at least it's enough to get my brain moving if I'm playing it.

The thing about stories like this, is that it's the details, the characters, and the writing (in addition to the gameplay, of course) that will make or break the experience. Based only on what I've seen you write so far, your ability to flesh this kind of stuff out is quite average, and that's really not good enough to carry a story like this. What most people have the most trouble with isn't the initial setup or the big twists, but the "stuff in-between"; that is, keeping the story dynamic and interesting while you're hunting for the four suns.

Unless you've already got a lot of good stuff planned out for that "middle stuff", consider not making that the focus of the game. Make that just a small element, maybe the first quarter of the game. Then, either flip everything on its head (via the betrayal you mentioned) and let things become unchained from cliche after that (Tales of Symphonia did this really well, for example. They give you the standard JRPG setup, and once you think it's all accomplished, everything goes to hell and the REAL story starts), or let Caleb actually become King, and make the real story happen once he's the ruler. Actually being the King, as the main character, having that much power early on in the game, is something we don't see a lot, and it could lend a lot of interesting wrinkles to your story.

Whichever path you decide to go down, best of luck, and please don't hesitate to ask for help. Remember to give as much detail as you can if you want to hook people on your story.

[mr.kraken]

Re: my new story

Avoid using commonly over-used RPG elements in your game.
Change the "4 suns" to something else more unique.

The villain's motives seems to bland to me too.
Change "To become a god and rule the world" into a smaller sensible case.