Bad Joke Topic

[Chad]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

So a billionaire hires a team to build his summer house. He tells them that he will give them 2 million dollars if they can build the house out of 1 million bricks exactly over the course of one summer. If they can do this, they will have earned the 2 million, otherwise they work for free. The contractor agrees to this for the prospect of 2 million dollars is great.

The crew begins well on it's way, constructing a house of all the bricks. With only two weeks left they have only got 5000 bricks left. They furiously work until the very last day. As they complete the house, the crew goes home after a hard days work. As the contractor makes his last rounds he notices that there is a brick on the ground. Having missed even one brick, they won't get paid. He runs around the house frantically, with a mere half hour to spare. He puts it on the mantle, but it looks obviously out of place. He uses it as a door-stop, but again thinks that the billionaire will not approve. Seeing the car pull up, he thinks quick and throws the brick as high as he can into the air and get this...











It doesn't come down!

[Jamos' Old Account]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

A zombie was robbing a liquir store while two officers wandered in. As the zombie approached the officers, the rookie shot both of its arms off. Just as he was going for the kill the other officer shouted:

"Wait! He's unarmed!"

...

[Alzar]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert outside my barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.

[Zieg Rauros]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

So, this little six year old boy is asked what he wants for his birthday, and all he says is he wants 100 dixie cups and 100 ping pong balls, and wants them put under his bed.
The boys father, a little surprised, puts these under his bed, and asks his son
"Is that really all you want?" The boy nods, and the father shuts the boys door and walks away. Seconds later, there is a large booming noise, the man goes back, throws open the door, and the boy is sitting on his bed, perfectly fine. The father shakes his head, and walks away.



A few years later, the boy is just going into high school, and his father asks him what he would like as a present, and all he says is he wants 100 dixie cups and 100 ping pong balls, and wants them put under his bed.
The boys father, a little surprised once again, puts these under his bed, and asks his son
"Is that really all you want?" The boy nods, and the father shuts the boys door and walks away. Seconds later, there is a large booming noise, the man goes back, throws open the door, and the boy is sitting on his bed, perfectly fine. The father shakes his head, and walks away, thinking he MUST be going crazy now.




So, 4 years later, the boy is going to college. His parents move him into his dorm, and ask if he needs anything for college. All he says is he wants 100 dixie cups and 100 ping pong balls, and wants them put under his bed.
The boys father, a little surprised and worried now, puts these under his bed, and asks his son
"Is that really all you want?" The boy nods, and the father shuts the boys dorm room door and walks away. Seconds later, there is a large booming noise, the man goes back, throws open the door, and the boy is sitting on his bed, perfectly fine. The father shakes his head, and walks away, knowing he is definately going crazy.








Another few years pass, and the boy moves into his own house. The parents are very proud of their college graduate, and ask is he wants anything. Once again, all he says is he wants 100 dixie cups and 100 ping pong balls, and wants them put under his bed.
The boys father, thinking him and his son must both be crazy, puts these under his bed, and asks his son
"Is that really all you want?" The boy nods, and the father shuts the boys door and walks away. Seconds later, there is a large booming noise, the man goes back, throws open the door, and the boy is sitting on his bed, perfectly fine. The father shakes his head, wondering what must be wrong with him, and vowing to see a docter.






Not much time passes, and the boy become sick. He is on his bed, near death, and his father asks him.
"Son, do you have any last wishes?"
"No," the boy replies. "But about the ping pong balls and dixies cups... I just wanted to tell you..."



















Then the boy died.

[Blackberry]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

Thanks guys.



How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Xmas?

He could feel his presents.



Why haven't they cermated Col. Sanders yet?

They can't decide to make him crispy or extra crispy.



What looks like a half a loaf of bread?

The other half.



What do you call a row a bunnies hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.



What do you call two pears?

A pair.

[Caciss]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road

[Drazus]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

A soldier was fighting in a war, when one day his gun broke. Luckily, there was a firearm salesman in the town he was currently located in.

He went to the shop. "I need a gun, my old one's broken."

"I have just the thing for you." The clerk went into the back and came out with a broom, tossing it to the soldier. "Strongest thing I've got."

Before the man could protest or question, the salesclerk said, "Just aim at your enemy and shout 'Bangity bang' if you want to fire, or 'stabbity stab' if you need to stab. It'll never wear out and never run out of ammo."

The clerk then closed the shop before any further questions could be asked.

**

The next day, the soldier went off into battle, knowing he was going to die. He stood on the field a moment, his comrades rushing at the enemy.

Finally, he moved. Feeling rather stupid, he raised his "rifle" at an enemy soldier, and said, "Bangity bang." The enemy suddenly dropped dead! Getting excited he proceded to fire at other soldiers, killing them one by one.

He continued to cry out "Bangity bang!" and when they'd get close, he'd shout "stabbity stab." His friends stopped and looked at him, thinking he was some sort of witch or just insane, but they were definatly surprised.

Then, one last enemy soldier appeared, steadily moving towards the soldier. "Bangity bang! Bangity bang!" The foe did not quiver. "Bangity bang!! Bangity bang!!! Bangity bang!!!!" Nothing. The soldier grew nervous as the enemy drew ever nearer. "Bangity bang! Stabbity stab! Stabbi- URAGH!!"

The last thing he heard was the enemy quietly muttering "Tankity tank... Tankity tank..."


-------------


The KKK just adopted a highway. Joke's on them, though. It's black!


------------------------------------

Caciss, I don't get the 2nd one... Same with yours Zieg.

[Chronicle Games]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

Alvin's Flowers flourished. customers bought flowers by the dozens every day...of course until one afternoon when a couple of monks set up shop across the street. they started their own flower shop and took all the customers away. Alvin walked up to the monk in charge a week later and kindly asked him to close down the new shop, but the monk refused. Alvin tried again the next week, but with no success. at this point he became frustrated. he hired a professional boxer named Hugh to beat up the monks. after the beating, the monks closed up shop and ran away...proving that only Hugh can prevent flourist friars.

the Holiday Inn was chosen to host this year's chess convention. all of the greatest chess players assembled in the hotel's lobby and began talking about their greatest moves. soon the talking turned into bragging which eventually led to arguing. the manager entered the room and kindly asked the guests to quiet down so they wouldn't disturb the peace. they ignored him. eventually the manager lost control and ordered everyone out, saying "if there's one thing i can't stand it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

Jackson and Johnson were the first boll weevils to graduate from Yale University. Jackson went on to become the greatest judge in history. Johnson gambled his diploma away and became a bum on the street. he is, of course, the lesser of two weevils.

reports of a wandering fortune teller have been popping up all over philadelphia. he is said to have horrendous breath and terrible blisters on his feet. he is old - about seventy. he is accused of fraud and thievery. everyone be on the lookout for a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by hallitosis.

Marie just gave birth to identical twins, but did not have the money to support them. she gave them up for adoption. one of them was adopted by a Middle Eastern family and was named Ahmal. the other was adopted by a Mexican family and was named Juan. after ten years Marie received a postcard with a picture of Juan. her husband noticed her crying and when he asked her why she responded: "why haven't i received a postcard from Ahmal?" to which the husband replied: "for God's sake! they're identical twins! if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

one friend sent another a list of ten puns, with the intention of making him laugh. unfortunately, no pun in ten did.


-chronicle games

[Drazus]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

Wow, Chronicle.... Those were really.... Bad.

[Owl of Parliament]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

What is Micheal jackson?
Black or white?
...
Thats the joke.

[jvrlopez]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

Caciss, I don't get the 2nd one...

If you're wondering about the "black man behind the Cadillac" joke, here-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Byrd_Jr#The_murder

[DarkwingChuck]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

[Jamos' Old Account]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

....Now I don't know whether I should masterbate more or if I should stop.

[Loki]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

My favorite joke ever:

What's brown and sticky?



























A STICK!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Get it!? Sticky?! Because it has to properties of a stick!? HA! And you were totaly thinking of poop! Priceless.

[Libby]

Re: Tell me a bad joke, please.

So there's this blonde, walking down the road when she comes upon a brunette in the middle of the street. The brunette is jumping over the middle yellow line shouting, "49! 49! 49!"
This peaks the blonde's curiousity. She walks up to the brunette and asks her, "What are you doing?"
The brunette is still bouncing as she stops counting and says, "I'm playing a game, want to try it?"
The blonde becomes very excited, she loves games. "How do you play?"
The brunette stopped bouncing and smiles at the blonde. "All you have to do is jump over this yellow line and yell '49' over and over."
"Wow," the blonde said. "That's even easy enough for me! It sounds fun."
So the blonde starts to jump over the yellow line and yelling "49" just as the brunette had instructed her. The brunette moves to the curb and watchs with a smile on her face.
Without warning, a semi comes out of nowhere and mows down the blonde, leaving her stuck to it's grill.
The brunette brushed herself off and returned to her position in the middle of the road, bouncing over the yellow line yellling,
"50! 50! 50!"


What's a blonde's mating call?
I'm drunk.
What's a brunette's mating call?
All the blondes have gone home.
What's a redhead's mating call?
NEXT!


A blonde is driving down a country road in her new porsche, her doctorate in physics newly framed in the passenger seat, right next to her Nobel Prize for proving the string theory. As she passes a wheatfield, she spies another blonde in the middle of the field, in a boat, frantically trying to row towards the road. This infurtates the smart blonde, and she whips that porsche around on that narrow road and comes to a screaching halt just at the edge of the field. She opened her door and stalked up to the shoulder of the road screaming at the blonde who was still frantically rowing twords the road, "You know, it's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name, and if I knew hour to swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!"


What do you get when you take 20 blondes and stick them side by side, ear to ear, at the side of the road?
Wind tunnel.

What do you get when you stick five blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.