The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

[simple man]

Ivan is a little boy at the age of twelve This is his story.
Mummy im going to school.Ivan said
Well go off then.Mum said
So ivan goes to school for a couple of hours and is back to his house.
Mum what are you doing.Ivan hears strange voices
Ka-lesh-mano-Ka-lesh-mano.
Mum is that you?
So ivan looks through his mums bedroom keyhole
Oh my lord.....They are casting spells.Ivan said
Honey! The kid go get him! Mum said
Ivan rushes to the door picks up his coat and leaves into the dark woods crying.
This is bad i have no home. Ivan said
Kid this is no time to be outside.A strange voice said.
Where are you? Ivan said.
Behind you. A Strange voice said.
Are you behind that tree? Ivan said.
NO I AM A TREANT! My name is Atreides.Atreides said
Oh my lord! a Treant.Ivan said
Let me take you to your new home.atreides said.
So ivan Follows the treant to a City.
Welcome to my town.Its called TwiggerTree.Atreides said.
Everyone welcome ivan.Atreides said.
WELCOME!.The animal villagers said.
Hello.Ivan said
Atreides...i need to tell you somthing.
What is it my boy. Atreides said.
What are evil spell casters called.
They are called Necromancers. Atreides said.
Well...My parents are Necromancers.Ivan said
I am sick of these necromancers! They must be defeated. Atreides said.
So we are going to defeat some Necromancers? Ivan said.
Do you want to be a hero? Then yes.Atreides said.
Lets do it! Ivan said.
And thats how the quest Begain.

[JPS]

So, exactly how old are you Simple Man?

I find it odd Ivan has lived next to "Dark Woods" for 12 years and never once seen this treant?

So is TwiggerTree a city or a town?

And why did the treant take the boy? And why did the boy follow a talking tree?

These are all questions everyone will be wondering, you need details in your storyline, if you can read a storyline and have questions at the end, its not well built

Just trying to help you out

So is the storyline a "make as you go" type thing or have you already finished the storyline?

Everything up to now has been him escaping, exactly what direction are you planning to take the game?

[simple man]

Trees are dead and have no leaves so treants are super rare in their area.
Ivan needed someone to raise him so he chose the treant to be his guardian(literally).Also Twiggertree is a town and the treant felt bad since Ivan was crying.

[Wavelength]

Well, good to see you post some stuff about your story. A couple issues that will be important to address...

So ivan goes to school for a couple of hours

Minor Plot Detail: Seems like Ivan regularly goes to school. I'll hazard the guess that he doesn't keep going to school during the game, so people will notice his absence.

Oh my lord.....They are casting spells.Ivan said

Honey! The kid go get him! Mum said

Major Motive Issue: Okay, so they're casting spells. How does Ivan know they're evil spells? Why would Ivan leave his parents just because they know some evil spells? If his mom and dad were about to attack him (sounds like it from that "go get him" line), then why? (That is, why would they have a kid, why wouldn't they teach him to be a necromancer, etc.)

Are you behind that tree? Ivan said.
NO I AM A TREANT! My name is Atreides.Atreides said
Oh my lord! a Treant.Ivan said

Thumbs-up: Note that Ivan seems really ignorant, but then "I'm a treant" makes everything clear to him. Strange. But actually, I found this little exchange of dialogue pretty funny and original.

Welcome to my town.Its called TwiggerTree.Atreides said.
Everyone welcome ivan.Atreides said.
WELCOME!.The animal villagers said.

Minor Motive Issue: Would the villagers really be willing to take Ivan in? Considering he's a human, who now knows where their village is, and they know nothing about him other than that he's emotionally unstable and related to necromancers? There are lots of ways to work around this.

Atreides...i need to ask you somthing.
What is it my boy. Atreides said.
What are evil spell casters called.
They are called Necromancers. Atreides said.
Well...My parents are Necromancers.Ivan said
I am sick of these necromancers! They must be defeated. Atreides said.
So we are going to defeat some Necromancers? Ivan said.
Do you want to be a hero? Then yes.Atreides said.
Lets do it! Ivan said.

Grammar Correction: Please note it, in red. Also, questions end with a question mark, not a period. Be careful.

Technical Nitpick: Necromancers, at least in real-life definition and most fantasy, are not spellcasters necessarily, but rather those who communicate with the dead. "Warlock (Witch)" or "Sorcerer (Sorceress)" could be better terms for spellcasters.

Major Motive Issues: Why is Ateides "sick of necromancers"? Why does Ivan want to defeat them, per se? And given that Ivan ran away from two necromancers just a few hours prior, why the sudden boldness? If you don't answer these questions, players won't have any reason to care about the characters or quest.

Major Background Issue: Why is Ivan, a 12-year-old boy with seemingly no knowledge about magic or the world, capable of fighting against evil spellcasters and being a "hero"? What makes Atreides and co. capable of doing the same, and for that matter, why haven't they gone out before and fought them? (Or have they?)

First Thoughts: So far, it's pretty underdeveloped. "Adequate" would be a generous judgement. Work on fleshing out motives and background, and making the characters realistic. Then you'll have something worth playing if you can wrap solid gameplay around it.

[simple man]

Ivan can fight with a knife and learn spells from the treant.Atreides is sick of they have put towns to the ground broken Peoples hearts and crushed the hope to defeat them...A child that can defeat the evil has never been done in rpg maker three....

[Valkysas]

is there a reason there are two of these topics?

[simple man]

how did that happen

[Wavelength]

Ivan can fight with a knife and learn spells from the treant.Atreides is sick of they have put towns to the ground broken Peoples hearts and crushed the hope to defeat them...A child that can defeat the evil has never been done in rpg maker three....

I don't see exactly how Ivan would be able to do much (especially against a force that, by your own story, has easily razed towns and crushed all resistance), but that's not a huge deal. That same problem occurs in MAR, and I like MAR. A child that can defeat the evil has been done with EVERY rpg maker, as well as a lot of commercial RPG's, though a child going directly against their parents (or at least appearing to--perhaps you've got a cool twist planned?) is more unique. Oh, and just to make sure you know... per Obright's profile, he's in his thirties. Don't make him a 14 year old. (Unless he's said he wants to be)

Anyhow, the most important issue is to flesh out the characters' motivations, and secondarily, their backgrounds. Make sure you give that the time and thought it deserves. I'm looking forward to seeing more of what you've got.

[Jamos]

The way you have that typed out is making it hard for me to read.... or understand what is actually going on. :|

[jvrlopez]

You'd score points for originality if you thought of character names rather than using forum users.

[Perversion]

*wonders why jvr is taking an active interest in simple man's games*

[Loki]

http://www.drunkduck.com/Nintendo_Super_Squad/gfx/Necro001.jpg

[JPS]

You, are a GENIUS!!!!!

[Perversion]

I honestly am not aware of why you would spend your time making that, but I'm glad you did!:lol

[JPS]

Actually the comic makes the story sound better:lol

[irate giraffe]

That comic is awesome, but I'm not sure if I like the way atreides is portrayed. I mean, he looks like a friggen christmas log with a big nose. Ivan looks just about right though.

[JPS]

I think with the mysterious forum member aside, its a great portrayal of a comical treant, definitely Loki art:lol

I do like how he included the misspellings in the comic:lol

[Perversion]

simple man's in for a surprise when he returns....

[simple man]

HAHAHA THAT IS FUNNY MAN GREAT JOB
but ivan says what is a necromancer

[jvrlopez]

He's making fun of your game, Simpleman.

:\

[simple man]

well its funny i dont care he has some points about the cheesy stuff well good job loki now ill fix my game story with a good laugh also when he gos lets do it and they are looking at him is funny

[Loki]

HAHAHA THAT IS FUNNY MAN GREAT JOB
but ivan says what is a necromancer

Well I didn't know because you didn't say "Ivan said" on those lines so I assumed it was the turtle.

[jvrlopez]

well its funny i dont care he has some points about the cheesy stuff well good job loki now ill fix my game story with a good laugh also when he gos lets do it and they are looking at him is funny

Periods are your friends.

Anyways, atleast that's good to hear that you're improving on your story.

It um, has potential...and stuff.

[JPS]

I agree, the only positive thing I see out of this is it is original and it does have potential, you just have to find out how to make it a good game, you have a good start, but you have to fill in quite a few holes.

[simple man]

So Ivan and Atreides Traveled Around the Woods.
I wonder where the King of the necromancers are. Ivan said.
Well we will find him some how.Atreides said.
Whos that over there? Ivan said.
I dont know but we could talk to him for directions.Atreides said.
Hello there!. Ivan said.
What do you want? The Black clothed man said.
Can you tell us about the Light woods?Ivan said.
Yes....After your blood is on my blade.The black clothed man said.
what??? Ivan said.
Do you know what i am. I am a necromancer.The darkest people on earth.
The necromancer said.
Well then do you want to die and burn in hell?Atreides said.
Yes i want to...But you will have to kill me first. The necromancer said.
Well then fight us.Atreides said.
Ivan take this Knife.Atreides said.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The necromancer screamed
The necromancer swung is sword at Ivan but he missed.
So Atreides Stomped on his head with his spiked feet and killed him.
Ivan that might of looked easy but it wont be if we find more......
The epic journey will continue later

[simple man]

So Ivan and Atreides Traveled Around the Woods.
I wonder where the King of the necromancers are. Ivan said.
Well we will find him some how.Atreides said.
Whos that over there? Ivan said.
I dont know but we could talk to him for directions.Atreides said.
Hello there!. Ivan said.
What do you want? The Black clothed man said.
Can you tell us about the Light woods?Ivan said.
Yes....After your blood is on my blade.The black clothed man said.
what??? Ivan said.
Do you know what i am. I am a necromancer.The darkest people on earth.
The necromancer said.
Well then do you want to die and burn in hell?Atreides said.
Yes i want to...But you will have to kill me first. The necromancer said.
Well then fight us.Atreides said.
Ivan take this Knife.Atreides said.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The necromancer screamed
The necromancer swung is sword at Ivan but he missed.
So Atreides Stomped on his head with his spiked feet and killed him.
Ivan that might of looked easy but it wont be if we find more......
The epic journey will continue later


sorry its a glitch that it posted two times i didnt mean to

[JPS]

Only press submit once and wait, if it takes too long, dont press submit again, press "STOP" and the link to your thread

RPG Maker Pavilion > RPG Maker > Game Forums > rpg maker plaza > The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)<Click on that!

And see if it posted, if it didn't BACK until you come to your paragraph in the text box and hit submit and wait again....repeat as needed

[Wavelength]

Aww, I was hoping for Ivan to say something like "Atreides, if only you'd allowed him to get a little of my blood on his blade, we could find out more about the Light Woods!"

You'll definitely need to add some exposition or other way to illustrate who the necromancers are. Originally, people will think they're people that communicate with the dead. Then, we find out they're evil spellcasters... but then we run into one that seems to just be a dark swordsman. I'm personally a bit lost, here. Are they just "stock bad guys"? If so, why are they working for who they're working for? What do they want to achieve, besides razing everything that's made of atoms? Stuff like this is what makes an RPG's story deep and interesting.

This wasn't one of the stronger plot events I've ever seen, but I am looking forward to seeing more of how it develops. Take your time, bud.

EDIT: Just a quick tip about double posting: like JPS said, click it once. If you're worried about losing what you wrote or something, before you click to post, highlight your entire post and hit Ctrl + C to copy. That way, if something goes wrong, you can just paste it back. And if you DO double post, immediately clear the second one (edit it so that all that's there is "EDIT: Accidentally double posted. Sorry about that" or something to that effect. Hope this helps!

[Perversion]

With this and his character thread, simple man seems to be having more popularity than he even thought possible. Congrats, Mr. simple.

[simple man]

thanks to jps stream lined battle program i can get the 'perfect combination'

[JPS]

That just made my program sound like something offered on a infomercial...:lol

[simple man]

thats what i ment to do :)

[jvrlopez]

Does Ivan have a girlfriend in the game?

[simple man]

later.....

[JPS]

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/8283/88803277ei7.jpg

[simple man]

yes like that

[Ryner]

Could we have a preview of some of the dialogue between Ivan and his girlfriend?

[Phoenix]

simple man, is this all a joke? Because it really sounds like it.

[JPS]

Nah I think he's serious, just the comics make it look like a joke...I'm wondering if he's actually started making it yet

[simple man]

im not making it until my mum gets the ps2 from gamestop

[simple man]

a simple clue of who your going to defeat


A dagger with blood dripping from it.
You came away from the darkness but came back to defeat it.

[Ryner]

You double posted again.

[simple man]

well its my own fourm

[irate giraffe]

unacceptable.

[Perversion]

How in God's name did this forum get 100 posts already?!?!? simple man's epic overaching(?) storylines are seeming to captivate the Pavilion like none before. This forum is breaking records left and right for number of posts in the shortest period of time. Keep up the...erm...good is not quite the word I'm looking for....but keep up the work, and you'll be knocking on the backdoor of the Bush forum before you know it....

[Valkysas]

well its my own fourm
That may be, but double-posting anywhere is frowned upon.

[simple man]

well i didnt mean to WOO HOOH 103 POST

[irate giraffe]

quantity means ****

[simple man]

i think altreides hates me

[Wavelength]

Can we PLEASE get back on topic?

[Perversion]

Ummmm....what was the topic in the first place?

[simple man]

the story of the game now where back on topic talk about my game

[Jamos]

I would love to talk about your game... but I honestly can't read what you have. Sorry.

[simple man]

do i have to cancel it?

[JPS]

whos atreides?

Irate hates everyone:lol

Well give us more detail about the game

[sleepingsnow]

Um, wat I am wondering is will the guy kill his parents or try to convince them to stop using necromancy or what? I guess I wil have to play the game myself huh?

[simple man]

You will have to see no happy ending tho

[JPS]

So, if you're still waiting for your mom to get the ps2 for you, how long of a wait is it before you actually start making the game?

wait...I just read on of your posts from mid-january and it said you got a new ps2, but a few days ago you said you had to pick it up before you can start making the game, did it break again?

So aside from everything we heard since you initially gave us the idea, have you thought of anything else, because frankly, the first part of the story you gave us is mostly going to be talk and no action, roughly 3 minutes worth of boredom in storyteller mode:| You seem to know how its going to end, but whats going to be the middle?

[Wavelength]

So, if you're still waiting for your mom to get the ps2 for you, how long of a wait is it before you actually start making the game?

wait...I just read on of your posts from mid-january and it said you got a new ps2, but a few days ago you said you had to pick it up before you can start making the game, did it break again?

So aside from everything we heard since you initially gave us the idea, have you thought of anything else, because frankly, the first part of the story you gave us is mostly going to be talk and no action, roughly 3 minutes worth of boredom in storyteller mode:| You seem to know how its going to end, but whats going to be the middle?


JPS definitely makes a few valid points here. I don't remember said post from January, but at any rate, it's important to have the direction in the middle, and actual gameplay to wrap around it as well. Mind you, don't go over every detail of what happens in the middle--that would just make it less fun to play the game... but it's important to have the direction to keep the plot interesting.

[Ωbright]

I remember seeing it.

Simple man, PLEASE just do me a favor and LOOK at the (non-label) side of your RM3 disk. Just do it...for me. And your mom.

I'm looking forward to seeing your game get made, and I'm just trying to help.

[simple man]

i got
TwiggerTree done
The starting place done(you wont be there for long.
The 2nd field is under construction.called Tanlum.
Got the 3 main characters done Ivan Altrides and obright
Got The city of tansum on
and im doing the one major dungeon.
I populated the town


sorry i dont do side quest....

[Ωbright]

Ok, ok...you've convinced me. I'm glad to see getting a new PS2 helped the problem after all. That's a good start on the game! Finishing things like towns and maps help develop the characters and story better than anything else.

[simple man]

im trying to get the battle system just right also my battle music is carnival



Edit:I will give Obright my permission to edit.....Make a sequel......with a copyright

[JPS]

so is this a comicly-serious game or a comical game or serious or what? I havent heard what carnival music sounds like yet in RM3, just wondering

and if youre giving Obright permission to make a sequel, then it wont happen, I dont think anyone in here will make a sequel to another pavvies game, just for the simple fact that its basically a ripoff of the first, so dont expect that seriously

And as far as copyrights are concerned, sure, if I wanted I could take for example Hito's game and make it my own, but everyone would know thats hitos game and therefore Id just be rejected, probably even banned from the pav, for attempting to steal anothers work, so you dont have to worry about placing copyrights on a game with exception to your name, plus copyrights are automatic anyway, considering you have proof it was your game to start with, and this topic is enough to prove that since you can see the date in the first post.

[simple man]

Its really doesnt sound like a carnival its actiony sounding

[jvrlopez]

I'd like to see Obright's take on your game for a sequel. Hope all the legalities work out.

(HONESTLY)

[Perversion]

If you want to see my take on the game, and its possible sequel, read my post in this thread (http://www.pavilionboards.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10813).

[Red Dragon]

if youre giving Obright permission to make a sequel, then it wont happen, I dont think anyone in here will make a sequel to another pavvies game, just for the simple fact that its basically a ripoff of the first, so dont expect that seriously


RPGM Magazine is having a contest where, if you have premission, you make a sequel of another person's game.

So it's not that farfetched.

[Perversion]

and if youre giving Obright permission to make a sequel, then it wont happen, I dont think anyone in here will make a sequel to another pavvies game, just for the simple fact that its basically a ripoff of the first, so dont expect that seriously



Actually I was IMing atreides, and was actually semi-seriously contemplating making my own version of his game detailed in my post in the thread linked to above....

With simple man's permission, of course.

If I do not get simple man's permission, I might make it anyway, and just change the names to "protect the innocent."

[simple man]

edit:Sorry but no i have changed my mind this is for obright.Obright is a great but lets say about the oldest guy on here(no offense) obright loves my game idea this game is completely for him and for the pavilion


also im sorry but i will put in random encounters.If i didnt my game wouldnt feel like a hole game

[Perversion]

If Obright turns down the "honor" of making the sequel, let me make my version of it, simple man. Read my post in that link a few posts above. I guarantee the game will be rockin'.....

[simple man]

I would but i would let down obright my only friend on the pav.....

[Perversion]

simple man...did you even read my "version" of your idea in that link to your fan made zelda movie thread? I've honestly been waiting for two days for you to get here so you can let me know what you think of my homage to you and your game. READ IT! READ IT NOW!!!

[simple man]

Yes i did...... i will think about it




But its got to be good if i say yes no funny stuff...

[Perversion]

By "no funny stuff" I'm guessing you mean you want me to remove the emotional and spiritual core of the story, which is the torrid, passionate encounter between Ivan and his long lost identical twin brother. I might be able to come up with something else....once I get off the internet, as I lay in bed, preparing for sleep, I'll think long and hard and deep on how to improve on that idea without losing the core ideas and values and themes you have so eloquently expressed in your initial idea. And Loki's comic gave me an idea...if I have the time, I'll try to storyboard it all out. What am I saying, "if I have the time?" I'll MAKE the time. Don't worry, simple man, I won't let you down.

[simple man]

what i mean is random stuff like random npcs that act retarded
emotional stuff is the key to this game (though he has no brother)
This game is about one boy that ran away from the evil and is now going to defeat it
with obright with altrides and ivan on a quest to defeat all the necromancers
and zombies and demons and courrputed people and defeat the king of them (no spoilers on the king)

[irate giraffe]

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ATREIDES.

[simple man]

Ok there its altreides now dont give me bad rep

[irate giraffe]

ONLY CAUSE YOU ASKED SO NICELY

[Red Dragon]

Why are we even thinking of sequals when the first game isn't even started yet?

[simple man]

obright might pm me back peverson im sorry but im not sure if you make it like i want it to be
a emotional heart breaking story with death and adventure

[Perversion]

Why are we even thinking of sequals when the first game isn't even started yet?

Because since Saturday at 2 pm, I've only had 9 hours of sleep, and a tribute to The necromancer cronicles (sic) seems like a splendid idea. Of course, once I'm well rested, I might come back and read this and realize how ill-conceived this plan really is. I'm unsure about pretty much everything right now.

BTW, simple man, check your rep.