The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

[simple man]

Ivan is a little boy at the age of twelve This is his story.
Mummy im going to school.Ivan said
Well go off then.Mum said
So ivan goes to school for a couple of hours and is back to his house.
Mum what are you doing.Ivan hears strange voices
Ka-lesh-mano-Ka-lesh-mano.
Mum is that you?
So ivan looks through his mums bedroom keyhole
Oh my lord.....They are casting spells.Ivan said
Honey! The kid go get him! Mum said
Ivan rushes to the door picks up his coat and leaves into the dark woods crying.
This is bad i have no home. Ivan said
Kid this is no time to be outside.A strange voice said.
Where are you? Ivan said.
Behind you. A Strange voice said.
Are you behind that tree? Ivan said.
NO I AM A TREANT! My name is Atreides.Atreides said
Oh my lord! a Treant.Ivan said
Let me take you to your new home.atreides said.
So ivan Follows the treant to a City.
Welcome to my town.Its called TwiggerTree.Atreides said.
Everyone welcome ivan.Atreides said.
WELCOME!.The animal villagers said.
Hello.Ivan said
Atreides...i need to tell you somthing.
What is it my boy. Atreides said.
What are evil spell casters called.
They are called Necromancers. Atreides said.
Well...My parents are Necromancers.Ivan said
I am sick of these necromancers! They must be defeated. Atreides said.
So we are going to defeat some Necromancers? Ivan said.
Do you want to be a hero? Then yes.Atreides said.
Lets do it! Ivan said.
And thats how the quest Begain.

[JPS]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

So, exactly how old are you Simple Man?

I find it odd Ivan has lived next to "Dark Woods" for 12 years and never once seen this treant?

So is TwiggerTree a city or a town?

And why did the treant take the boy? And why did the boy follow a talking tree?

These are all questions everyone will be wondering, you need details in your storyline, if you can read a storyline and have questions at the end, its not well built

Just trying to help you out

So is the storyline a "make as you go" type thing or have you already finished the storyline?

Everything up to now has been him escaping, exactly what direction are you planning to take the game?

[simple man]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

Trees are dead and have no leaves so treants are super rare in their area.
Ivan needed someone to raise him so he chose the treant to be his guardian(literally).Also Twiggertree is a town and the treant felt bad since Ivan was crying.

[Wavelength]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

Well, good to see you post some stuff about your story. A couple issues that will be important to address...

So ivan goes to school for a couple of hours

Minor Plot Detail: Seems like Ivan regularly goes to school. I'll hazard the guess that he doesn't keep going to school during the game, so people will notice his absence.

Oh my lord.....They are casting spells.Ivan said

Honey! The kid go get him! Mum said

Major Motive Issue: Okay, so they're casting spells. How does Ivan know they're evil spells? Why would Ivan leave his parents just because they know some evil spells? If his mom and dad were about to attack him (sounds like it from that "go get him" line), then why? (That is, why would they have a kid, why wouldn't they teach him to be a necromancer, etc.)

Are you behind that tree? Ivan said.
NO I AM A TREANT! My name is Atreides.Atreides said
Oh my lord! a Treant.Ivan said

Thumbs-up: Note that Ivan seems really ignorant, but then "I'm a treant" makes everything clear to him. Strange. But actually, I found this little exchange of dialogue pretty funny and original.

Welcome to my town.Its called TwiggerTree.Atreides said.
Everyone welcome ivan.Atreides said.
WELCOME!.The animal villagers said.

Minor Motive Issue: Would the villagers really be willing to take Ivan in? Considering he's a human, who now knows where their village is, and they know nothing about him other than that he's emotionally unstable and related to necromancers? There are lots of ways to work around this.

Atreides...i need to ask you somthing.
What is it my boy. Atreides said.
What are evil spell casters called.
They are called Necromancers. Atreides said.
Well...My parents are Necromancers.Ivan said
I am sick of these necromancers! They must be defeated. Atreides said.
So we are going to defeat some Necromancers? Ivan said.
Do you want to be a hero? Then yes.Atreides said.
Lets do it! Ivan said.

Grammar Correction: Please note it, in red. Also, questions end with a question mark, not a period. Be careful.

Technical Nitpick: Necromancers, at least in real-life definition and most fantasy, are not spellcasters necessarily, but rather those who communicate with the dead. "Warlock (Witch)" or "Sorcerer (Sorceress)" could be better terms for spellcasters.

Major Motive Issues: Why is Ateides "sick of necromancers"? Why does Ivan want to defeat them, per se? And given that Ivan ran away from two necromancers just a few hours prior, why the sudden boldness? If you don't answer these questions, players won't have any reason to care about the characters or quest.

Major Background Issue: Why is Ivan, a 12-year-old boy with seemingly no knowledge about magic or the world, capable of fighting against evil spellcasters and being a "hero"? What makes Atreides and co. capable of doing the same, and for that matter, why haven't they gone out before and fought them? (Or have they?)

First Thoughts: So far, it's pretty underdeveloped. "Adequate" would be a generous judgement. Work on fleshing out motives and background, and making the characters realistic. Then you'll have something worth playing if you can wrap solid gameplay around it.

[simple man]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

Ivan can fight with a knife and learn spells from the treant.Atreides is sick of they have put towns to the ground broken Peoples hearts and crushed the hope to defeat them...A child that can defeat the evil has never been done in rpg maker three....

[Valkysas]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

is there a reason there are two of these topics?

[simple man]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

how did that happen

[Wavelength]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

Ivan can fight with a knife and learn spells from the treant.Atreides is sick of they have put towns to the ground broken Peoples hearts and crushed the hope to defeat them...A child that can defeat the evil has never been done in rpg maker three....

I don't see exactly how Ivan would be able to do much (especially against a force that, by your own story, has easily razed towns and crushed all resistance), but that's not a huge deal. That same problem occurs in MAR, and I like MAR. A child that can defeat the evil has been done with EVERY rpg maker, as well as a lot of commercial RPG's, though a child going directly against their parents (or at least appearing to--perhaps you've got a cool twist planned?) is more unique. Oh, and just to make sure you know... per Obright's profile, he's in his thirties. Don't make him a 14 year old. (Unless he's said he wants to be)

Anyhow, the most important issue is to flesh out the characters' motivations, and secondarily, their backgrounds. Make sure you give that the time and thought it deserves. I'm looking forward to seeing more of what you've got.

[Jamos]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

The way you have that typed out is making it hard for me to read.... or understand what is actually going on.

[jvrlopez]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

You'd score points for originality if you thought of character names rather than using forum users.

[Perversion]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

*wonders why jvr is taking an active interest in simple man's games*

[Loki]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

[JPS]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

You, are a GENIUS!!!!!

[Perversion]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

I honestly am not aware of why you would spend your time making that, but I'm glad you did!

[JPS]

Re: The necromancer cronicles (the story of the game)

Actually the comic makes the story sound better