Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF editon

This should get novelized when you are finished.

naaaah, Novels are too boring.

More's coming when I come up with the next wacky segment.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Mt. Nibel

Kain: Well, we were told to go through the Mountain. Might as well do so.

Cloud: And awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay we go!

*5 minutes of travelling*

-

Mt. Nibel (near the exit)

Tifa: What's that?

Materia Keeper: I am the materia keeper! I Keep materia!

Cait Sith: *cough*bull*****cough*

Materia Keeper: What?

Cait Sith: I call bull. You don't "keep" materia, you're just a big blue boss who's sitting on top of a materia we get for defeating you!

Materia Kepper: Hey! I'll have you know I'm very formidable!

Cait Sith: Oh please! Your nastiest attack is "trine", which we can learn with an Emnmy Skill materia and use on other enemies.

Materia Keeper: But-

Cait Sith: Andyou only have, what, 8000 Hp? Maybe a bit more? We can kill you easily with the proper amount of leveling.

Materia Keeper: But I-

Cait Sith: And there's a save point right over there! Even if we lose, we can just get right back up and try to kill you again.

Materia Keeper: But-

Cait Sith: And why in Sakaguchi's name are doing here in the first place? Why would an enemy Wait for god knows how long just to die in battle against random adventurers? Are you trying to break down trade to Rocket town or something?

Materia Keeper:........ :middlefinger *storms off*

Cloud: Good work, Cait!

Cait Sith: ........

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Rocket town

Cloud: Hey look, there's a giant rocket near the town that's leaning quite ominuis...ominuious.......omin....

Barret: Don't hurt yourself, foo'!

Cloud: Omin... MENACINGLY over this bunch of houses. anyway, I sure hope it doesn't fall all the way over!

Gamers:........

Red XIII: I say, let's go investigate the Rocket!

Wedge: Are you even still part of the cast?

Red XIII: What?

Wedge: I mean seriously, the list of party members is Currently Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Kain, Aeris/th, Biggs, Me, You, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Dyne, and Vincent! Just how many people are going to be in the cast anyway?!

Kain: You know, he's got a point. We can't have 12 characters in the party. and some of the cast members are just reduntant. I mean, Dyne? Who the hell even knows who he is?!

Dyne: Screw you, foo'!

Tifa: Will you shut up?! You're holding up the game!

Kain/Dyne/Wedge: Sorry, Tifa.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Rocket town (The rocket)

Cloud: Um, hello, are you the Captain?

Cid: Who the **** are you?! Can't you ****ing see I'm ****ing working on my ****ing Rocket?! Get the **** out of here!

Tifa: O_o

Cid: What the ****'s wrong with you?! You don't just ****ing stare at random ****ing people in ****ing Rockets! Go the **** away!

Aeris/th: o_O

Kain: Easy, man, we jsut wanted to talk about the rocket....

*5 minutes of talking and 200 F-bombs later*

Kain: Thanks, Captain Cid. We'll be going now.

Cid: ****ing right you are! I don't need ****ing strangers asking me ****ing questions about my ****ing rocket! Go the **** away!

Tifa/Aeris/th/CLoud: o_o

-

D13: Hey kids, I've got a new game! Whenever someone uses an F-bomb, take a drink of beer!

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Rocket Town (Cid's house)

Shera: Hello.

Cloud: Man, that Captain Cid's got one hell of a mouth!

Kain: Yeah, what's his problem?

Shera: Oh, don't mind Cid. He's a good man deep down.

Cid: *Walks in*.....What the ****? Shera, why the ****'re you just standing there?! Don't you ****ing realize we've got ****ing guests?! Get the **** over there and make some-

D13:...wait for it...

Cid: GOD! DAMN!! TEA!!!

Everyone in the party: O_o

Aeris/th: I'll bet Shera's gonna tear Cid a new one!

Shera:....Okay, Cid.

Everyone in the party: WTF?!!

Cid: Mumble grumble.....*Walks out to talk to Rufus shinra..who'll probably be there, for all we know.*

Shera: What's wrong?

Tifa: Cid just cursed you out and ordered you to make tea! Why'd you just suck it up?

Shera:...Because it's my fault he's like this. I destroyed his dreams.

Kain: By marrying him?

Tifa: ..... *Kicks Kain out of the house*

Shera: Thank you

Tifa: Anytime.

Shera: But anyway, you see, a few years back, that rocket over by the town was supposed to launch into space with Cid as the Pilot. But on the day of the launch, right before said launch, I was in the engine room performing a last minute inspection. Cid aborted the launch to prevent me from being burnt to a crisp at the last second-

D13: Literally

Shera:-Whiched caused the rocket to land right back on the ground. The shinra company aborted the space program. this caused cid to get so ****** that he developed terets syndrome.

Tifa: Wow. that really sucks. Sorry to hear about what happened.

Aeris/th: I'm a D-cup!

Everyone else: ????

Aeris/th: I thought the mood should be lightened.

[jacquel]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

I'd say I've been laughing too much but this is so hilaroius that my nervous system has actually numbed and gone into some form of shock

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

D13: I despise the rest of the rocket town part, so here's a nutshell: Dyne and Wedge got filled with lead during the Palmer fight, so they're dead. Also, Palmer got his Fat ass run over by a truck. Also also, Cid wound up in the party while the Midgit Bronco turned into a boat. So now the party's headed to that weapon shop in the middle of nowhere.....

-

The weird weapon shop

Cloud: Ooh, a weapon shop! I'd like to buy some giant swords please.

Shopkeep: Sorry, I don't sell weapons.

Kain: What's the point of that?

Tifa: Nevermind. Say, do you know where we can find a keystone?

Cid: ****!! ****!! ****!!

Shopkeep: O_o

Aeris/th: Nevermind him.

Shopkeep: Um, a keystone? sorry, but I sold it to that Dio guy. He runs Gold Saucer.

Cloud: Then it's off to Gold Saucer!

Cid: ****!! Mother****er!! ****!!

Shopkeep: o_O

-

Gold Saucer

Cloud: Hey Dio, give us the keystone!

Dio: Go **** yourself!

Cloud: .........Please?

Dio: NO!

Cloud: Dammit!

Kain: What if we gave you Yuffie?

Yuffie: HEY!!

Dio: Um, I'll let you have the keystone if you go fight in the arena and leave me the **** alone, okay?

Cloud: DEAL!!

*Eight rounds off CLoud kicking monster ass later*

Cloud: Okay, then it's off to the Temple of the Ancients!!

Cait Sith: I just found out: The tram's broken.

CLoud: Damn, then it's off to the hotel.

Yuffie: Great! Then I'll be able to steal your materia!!!

Everyone else: ????

Yuffie: .....oops.

Vincent: Someone should keep an eye on her.

Everyone else: *runs away*

Yuffie: YAY!!

VIncent: *sighs*

-

Okay, we all know somebody ends up on a date with either Aeris/th, Tifa, Yuffie, or even Barret. Instead, we're going to have this....

-

The Hotel

Tifa: Hey Aeris/th!

Aeris/th: What's up, Tifa?

Tifa: I'm on to you, *****!! You're after CLoud!

Aeris/th: ...yeah. So what?

Tifa: "So what?" SO WHAT?!! Cloud is MINE, you whore!! don't think for a minute that I'll let you have him!

Aeris/th: If he's yours, then why doesn't he give you a damn bit of notice?

Tifa:............. :eyetwitch.

Tifa/Aeris/th: *Big ass catfight*

Cloud: *walks into the hall* what the hell is going on out here?

Tifa/Aeris/th: NOTHING!!!!

Cloud: ....Whatever

Cait Sith: *walks by with the keystone, singing* FI-nal FAN-tasy IS an R--P-G!! The ONLY one I NEED!! The R-P-G for ME!!

Tifa: Hey! He's got the Keystone! He's a spy!! AFTER HIM!!!

Cait SIth: Oh **** *runs*

Cloud/Aeris/th/TIfa: *Chase after Cait SIth*

-

ELswhere in Gold Saucer.

Cloud: Give us the Keystone!!

Cait Sith: *tosses the keystone to a shinra goon in a helicopter, which flys away*

Cloud: Dammit.
Cait Sith: Yeah, I'm a spy. if you do as I say for now, Marlene'll be fine. Otherwise, she's a dead *****.

Tifa: you evil plush toy BASTARD!!!

Cait Sith: Eat me.

-

The next morning

Cloud: Okay, Cait Sith's got us all by a thread. we're to go to the Temple of the ancients tomorrow.

Barret: Shut up, foo'!!

Tifa: Now why'd you say that?

Barret: ....I haven't talked in a while. I pity the foo' who doesn't include me in the script!!

D13: *gulps*

Cloud: ANYway, what do we do for now?

Kain: Move on to the next part of the script?

Cloud: Good idea.

-

Temple of the Ancients

Aeris/th: The Temple! I somehow remember this place! Look, it's the asshole who hit me earlier!!

Tseng: Oooooh, I got my ass kicked by-

Kain: SEPHIROTH!! The cunning bastard!!

Tseng: Actually, it was his girlfriend Jessie.

Cloud: Whatever. Anyway, it looks like we need to pick a group. I pick me, Aeris/th, Kain, Barret, and Vincent.

Tifa: What about me?!

Cloud: I'll pick youy next time.

-

Insert a whole bunch of time-consuming temple dungeon trekking here

-

The Meteor Altar

Jessie: YES!! All we have to do now is get some goober to turn the temple into the BLack Materia, then we can summon Meteor to destroy this pitifal planet!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!\

Sephiroth: If you say so, Jessie

Cloud and co.: *show up* Sephiroth, you fiend! We knew you'd be here!

Sephiroth: Hi, Cloud!! *Waves in a friendly manner*

Cloud: ...I still don't know why he acts like that.

Aeris/th: We heard your evil plan from down the hall, you monster!

Jessie: HEY!! IT'S MY PLAN!! GRRRR *summons red dragon*

Jessie/Sephiroth: *RUn away*

Red Dragon: RAWR!!! *Attacks*

Kain: AHA!!! a DRAGON! THAT's WHERE I COME IN!!! *Jumps*

Everyone else: *kill the dragon*

Kain: *Lands* Dammit

Cait Sith: *runs in* Let me turn the temple into the materia. that way, you can keep it away from Jessie and Sephiroth!!

Cloud:...Okay. Nice knowing ya, asshole.

Cait SIth: ...screw you.

-

What's going to happen next? tune in next time to find out!!

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

When we last left our heroes, Cait asshole volunteered to be crushed by the
temple as it turns into the Black Materia.

The way out of the Temple of the Ancients

Cloud: Finally, we're on our way out of here! "Grabs the door knob"

Door: Mmmmmm.

Aeris/th: Did anybody else hear that?

Cloud: That's strange, the door won't open. "Tries to turn the knob"

Demoor: Oh yeah.

Aeris/th: There is is again!

Vincent: I think it came from the wall.

Cloud: Grr! The door still won't open! "Tries harder"

Demooall: That feels goooood!

Cloud: WHAT THE ****?!! "Let's go"

Demon Wall: Don't stop!!

Kain: AAGH!! IT'S THE DEMON WALL!! IT'S COME BACK TO GET
ME!!!! "Triesto run away, but smacks face against an invisible wall" ...Ouch.

Barret: I pity the foo' who runs away from a boss fight!! "Ungarmax"

Vincent: Yeah. Everyone knows that boss fights are part of the story. "Gigas form"

Aeris/th: And I thought you were a veteran warrior "Seal Evil"

CLoud: "Meteorain"

Demon Wall: I'll never forget the time we shared! "dies"

Cloud: "shudders"

Elswhere

Cait Sith: Alright, now to fiddle with this thing. Here goes. the end of my life. Unless..... "Pulls out Cameo Materia" .....I use this!! "Uses Cameo Materia"

Cait Sith No. 2: "Appears"

Cait Sith No. 1: Hello.

Cait Sith No. 2: Hi.

Cait Sith No. 1: Say, Cait SIth, you you be so kind as to solve that jigsaw puzzle for me?

Cait Sith No. 2: Sure! "Goes to do so"

Cait Sith No. 1: "Gets the hell outta there"

-

Outside the Temple of the Ancients

Temple: I feel afully small right now. "Shrinks into Black Materia"

Cait Sith No. 2: OH, THE HUMANITY!!!!! AAAGH!!! " A crushing Death"

Cloud: Damn. Glad that wasn't me.

Sephiroth & Jessie: "Appear"

Jessie: GIVE ME THE MATERIA!!!

Cloud: Blow me. :middlefinger

Jessie: Grrrrrr..... Oooooh, Seth-i-wooooth!!

Sethiroth: Yeeeess?

Jessie: Pweeeeese do that thing you're able to do!

Sethiroth: Awww, do I have to?

Jessie: YES!!!

Sethiroth: Yes, dear. "Ultra-trippy spaz-out ability"

Cloud: "Has an Ultra-trippy spaz-out fit, hands over the Black Materia"

Jessie: Thank yooo!

Sethiroth & Jessie: "teleport away"

Kain: Well ****. Why'dya go and do that, Cloud?!

Cloud: "is unconsious"

Kain: Crap.

Cait Sith: Hey guys, I'm back.

Vincent/Kain/Biggs/Tifa/Barret/Yuffie/Cid/Red XIII: YOU'RE ALIVE?!!

Gamers: " http://darthno.ytmnd.com/ "

Cait Sith:......I hate you people.

-

And with Cait Sith's return, we break for commercial!

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Weird dream sequence

Cloud: What the hell's going on?

Aeris/th: Cloud, I'm going to the city of the ancients to defeat sephiroth. I'll use my white materia. come follow me at some point. *runs off*

Cloud: This is getting strange

Sephiroth: *appears on screen* Hey, what's going on here? On look, a path! WHEEEEE!! *runs off*

Cloud: Ooooooookay.

-

Blah blah from Gongaga off to the Bone Village bLah blah

-

Bone Village

Cloud: Well, it looks like we need a harp thingy to get through

Kain: FOUND ONE!!!

Cloud: That was fast

-

Blah blah go through the forest blah blah explore the city blah blah take a nap

-

Cloud: *asleep* zzzzzzzzz

Aeris/th's voice: Hey Cloud! Come fine me!

Cloud: *wakes up* I just heard Aeris/th's voice! Let's go find her!

Meanwhile, in an airship waaaaaay up above....

Jessie: Yes, soon our plan will be finished.

Sephiroth: Hey, Jessie! Lookitmee! I'm a Dragoon! *Jumps off the side* YAHOOOOOOO!!!!!!


Jessie:

-

Waaaaay under the city of the ancients

Aeris/th: *Praying* Our Sakaguchi, who art in heaven.....

Cloud: Aeris/th! We found you!

Party members: Hurray!

Tifa:

Aeris/th: CLOUD!! I KNEW YOU'D COME FIND ME!!!

Sephiroth: *falling* I BELIEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

Aeris/th: *Shish cabob'D* Son......of......a..... *dies*

Sephiroth: .....Oops.

Cloud: OHMYGOD!!!! HE KILLED AERIS/TH!!!

Gamers: YOU BASTARD!!!!

Sephiroth: Er, waitaminute! Sure my Masamune's stuck up her, but I can puuuuuull it out niiiiiiiiiiiiice and easy, see?

Kain:

Cloud: That made no sense.

Sephiroth: Well, umm, I"M OUTTA HERE!!!!!! *Ski-daddle*

Jessie: *Appears* Don't mind Sethy. Here, I'll give you a Jenova piece to play with. *SKi-daddle*

Jenova LIFE: *appears*

Gamers: *Still ****** off, kill Jenova LIFE*

-

Cloud: QUICK!! SOMEBODY USE A PHEONIX DOWN!!

Kain: We ran out.

Cloud: Okay, then somebody cast Life2!

Tifa: We don't have that spell

Cloud: Then cast Life1!

Red XIII: I say, we're all out of MP.

Cloud: .....Use ethers.

Kain: No ethers left.

Cloud:......Pheonix materia?

Tifa: Nope.

Cloud: ........Elixer?

Red XIII: Nada.

Cloud:...........Crap. I guess Aeris/th is dead for good. I'll get you for this, you Sethibastard!!!

Aeris/th: *Water funeral*

END OF DISC ONE!!! PLEASE INSERT DISC TWO!!

[Kefka Jr.]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

YAY

NICE GOING!

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Don't worry, folks, I'm not stopping here. I'm going for the end of disc 3.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

FINAL FANTASY VII WTF EDITION!!! DISC TWO!!!

blah blah let's leave the city of the ancients blah blah Icicle Inn blah blah.

Icicle Inn

Cloud: Wow. Isn't it weird that this community with only 3 buildings has more powerful weapons than MIDGAR?!

Tifa: Say, let's have a look in that building

-

Sciency-looking building

Cloud: Hey look, a technological recorder thingy!

Kain: Let's have a looky. *turns on the machine*

Recorder: *plays music*

Voice: Listen up yall! Cause this is IT!
The beat that I'm bangin' is DELICIOUS!!!

*Quistis appears on screen*

Quisitlicious Definition make the boys go loco!
They want my treasure so they get their pleasure from my vota
You can see me You can squeeze
I ain't easy I ain't sleezy
I got reasons why I teaze 'em
Boys just come and go like seasons
Quistilic-

Kain: *turns off the machine* I have no idea what just happened, but I don't want to know. Let's get outta here.

*blah blah let's play a snowboarding minigame!*

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

That stupid mountain area

Cloud: Brrrrrrr, this place is freazing!

Kain: No ****, Cloud.

Tifa: Can't we just skip to the good stuff, please?

D13: Oh, fine! You people are so whiny.

-

The exit to that stupid mountain dungeon

Cloud: Wow, that was quick!

Vincent: Hey, what's that over there?

Announcer: And now for our final Olympic event: The CLONE TOSS!!

Clone: WHEEEEEEEE!!! *lands with a thud* Ow. *disappears*

Announcer: And here's our musical entertainment!!!

Music: Ba-dun dun dun!!!Daaaaaaaaaaa-dun!!! Ba-dun dun dun!!!Daaaaaaaaaaa-dun!!! Ba-dun dun-

Right Schizo: Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. White Christmas Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. Snow!!

Music: Ba-dun Da-dun!!

Right Schizo: Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. Icicle!!! Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. 10 Below!! Friends call me Right Schizo!! Whatever I touch!!! Turns to snow in my clutch!!! Iiiiiiiiii'm too much!!!

Kain/Vincent/Tifa: ?????

Music: Ba-dun dun dun!!!Daaaaaaaaaaa-dun!!! Ba-dun dun dun!!!Daaaaaaaaaaa-dun!!! Ba-dun dun-

Left Schizo: Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. Green Christmas Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. Sun!!

Music: Ba-dun Da-dun!!

Left Schizo: Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. Heat Blister!!! Iiiiiiiiiiiii'm Mr. 101!! They call me Left Schizo!! Whatever I touch!!! Starts to melt in my clutch!!! Iiiiiiiiii'm too much!!!

Cloud: Ummmm, let's just keep going.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

SOmewhere in Costa de Sol

Cloud: Aaaagh, this is the life

D13: What the-? What're you all doing here?!

Tifa: Well, since it's been so long since you updated this stupid thing, we decided to take a vacation to Costa de Sol.

D13: Well I'm back, so get off your asses and get back to work!!!

Kain: Go **** yourself

D13: Don't make me delete the gamesave!!!!

FF7 Cast: NOOOOOO!! WE'D HAVE TO START THE WHOLE THING ALLOVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

D13: THEN GET BACK TO WORK!!!!

FF7 Cast: *sulk*

D13: Sorry about that, folks. But now, BACK TO THE SHOW!!!

-

The Crater

Cloud: I wonder how this big windy crater got here anyway.

Kain: jenova crashed here several thousand years ago, stupid.

Cloud: Shutup. Anyway, Kain, Vincent, Barret, and Red XIII, let's get a move on...

Tifa: Hey CLoud, I wanna be in the party!!!

Cloud: Okay, then. You're out of the party, Red XIII.

Red XIII: What?

Cloud: You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Red XIII: *says the british equivalent of "go **** yourself" and walks off*

Cloud: Alright, let's get going.

Vincent: Hey, what's that in the sky? *points*

-

Meanwhile, er, at that moment.....

The Highwind Airship

Rufus: Alright, boys! It's almost time to kick Sephiroth's ass, steal his outfit, and find the promisded land for whatever reason my old man was talking about!!!

Heidegger: Let's get UND ready, everybody!!

Scarlet: *B-slapps Heidegger*

Heidegger: OW!! What was UND that for?!

Scarlet: Force of Habit. *B-slapps some random SOLDIER*

Rufus: Why haven't I fired these idiots yet?

-

Deep into the center of the Crater...

Cloud: Hey guys, check out this magic trick!!!

Kain/Tifa/VIncent: 'kay.

Barret: This had better be good, foo'!

Cloud: Now, watch and be amazed as I....*holds up a rock in the palm of his left hand*.....take this rock and....*covers the rock with his other hand*....turn it into.........*Lifts his right hand*....the Black Materia!!!

Tifa/Barret/Vincent: O_o

Kain: How did you do that?

Cloud: Magician never reveals his secrets!

Meanwhile.....

Sephiroth: *Feels around in his pant pockets* What the-? Where'd the black materia go? And how did this rock get her2?

Back with the heroes, all of whom have gathered together now...

Tifa: it doesn't matter how Cloud got it. What matters is, we got it now.

Yuffie: I say we march right into the center and rub it in Sephiroth's fat face!!

Kain: Sounds like a plan to me!! But I think some of us should stay behind here and stand gourd with the Black Materia while the awesomest characters venture forth with Cloud.

Red XIII: I say, I'll d it!!

Cloud: 'kay. *Hands over the Black Materia*

-

And so, things prepare to heat up in the center of the crater. Tune in next time to find out what happens!!!

Cloud: I wanna go back to Costa de Sol!!

D13: Agh, shut up!!

[Kefka Jr.]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

D13! Welcome back, D13.

Hey, I could use a reminder. Who's Kain?