Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

[Valkysas]

reviews for second garbage contest.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Don't Move
By 1ce
RPG Maker 1

Overview
It does not work. The GME file contains the system and scenario data. It will not load the scenario data. Going into edit mode, I was able to load both datas and play the game in test play mode. But that doesnt count, since that's test play. It didnt work when I went to play it, so that experience is what I have to judge the game based on.

Visual Design
It doesnt have any.

Sound Design
There is nothing.

Story
Not present.

Gameplay
Does not exist.

Final Thoughts / Score
I don't know how this happened. any game that loads for test play should load as an actual game. but it won't. I tried it on a PS1, PS2, and even on the PS3. It just would not load the scenario data. I do not believe this was intentional, since I can think of no way to replicate it. As this is a garbage contest, the goal is to make a terrible game. A game that just refuses to function is the perfect example of a garbage game. It manages to fail at everything that could let someone call it a "game". As a bonus, this game alone is responsible for the delay in getting the contest results posted. I tried everything I could think of to get it to work, and it all failed.

10 spanish unicorns out of 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

New Title
by Duelpro
RPG Maker 1


Overview
The game creation counter is about a half hour. I don't see how this thing took that long to make.

Visual Design
Looks like he was influenced by smitpok. everything is randomly thrown around. it's a mess. not a huge mess like smitpok was, but still a mess.

Sound Design
RPG Maker's default sound effects are really the only that are heard. music never goes along with what's happening.

Story
You're a dog. your parents are not. you have to go to the store to get milk. you have to fight for the milk. oh, there is no milk. different store. fight a phoenix in a treasure chest. you're told to go kill your parents. you go kill your parents. you win, and get to see the title screen as a prize. epic.

Gameplay
Consists only of the default battle system. the first battle scarred me for life. The enemy cannot harm you, and each of your hits does an average of 54 points of damage. sound easy? no. it seems the enemy HP was maxed out. max HP is 9999. now guess how many extremely boring turns that took. yeah. and then there's three more battles. none are as long, but since the first battle was, you go into these absolutely terrified that they could take about 40 minutes or more of just pressing the X button. I have never been genuinely afraid of an RPG Maker game until this thing came along.

Final Thoughts / Score
I now know why everyone from the Mag hates Duelpro.

7.5 lethargic Spider-Men of 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Getting The Funk Out
by Vonwert
RPG Maker 1

Overview
I had no idea what to expect going into this one. It took two memory cards, had quite a few custom sprites, and the creation timer was at seven hours. That kind of dedication is rarely seen in a garbage contest entry.

Story
The game starts out with one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen or heard in an RPG Maker title. disembodied eyes and mouth hovering over a view of the sea, and... dammit, just pop this one in for yourself to see. Words cannot do it justice, you have to see this for yourself. make sure your volume is cranked up.

Visual Design
Custom sprites! Quality effects! Commitment to something so strange is to be admired, respected, and feared!

Sound Design
It will haunt me for days.

Gameplay
Non-existant, it's a movie.

Final Thoughts
It's a quality garbage title, one that everyone should experience as long as you're allowed to play "Teen" rated games. Great job, Von. This is has potential!

9.5 failed marriage proposals out of 10

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

The Adventures Of A Very Naughty Cow
by Rodak
RPG Maker 2

Overview
You are a cow. a naughty cow. that sets people's hair on fire! yeah.

Story
You are a cow. a naughty cow. that sets people's hair on fire! yeah.

Visual Design
Rather boring aside from the VFX cow that Bigfoot made, and the seizure-tastic background that the game starts with, and shows when the game is moving you to the next stage.

Sound Design
Press triangle to moo.

Gameplay
You are a cow. a naughty cow. that sets people's hair on fire! Thats all there is. each "stage" adds another person to torch. very boring and repetitive. after the first stage, you have to start torching people from an angle. thats the only gameplay variation.

Final Thoughts / Score
It's incredibly boring. the game itself has no entertainment value, the highlights are the cow/seizure background scenes that I mentioned earlier.

9.5 goats are funnier than cows out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

"Legacy of Jack"(?)
by Red Dragon
RPG Maker 2

Overview
Red Dragon mentioned in his submission e-mail that he may have submitted the wrong game, and to let him know if this was the case. I decided not to. I don't know if it's the wrong game, the file's title is RPG Maker 2, and the creator is listed as Agetec. I decided that whatever it was, I was reviewing it as a garbage contest submission.

Story
Your character is coming home from a trip, and is glad to see that unlike many RPGs, his home has not burned down. He then hurries into the castle to meet his father.

Visual Design
Pretty good. I like the bed ontop of a stump.

Sound Design
Non-existant - likely because this is a non-garbage game that's very early in development.

Gameplay
You can walk, and you can talk to guards that all say the same thing.

Final Thoughts / Score
See the overview section up there? that's the entire game. Legitimate entry or not, having a game just stop so promptly with no apparent reason after a pretty decent intro was pretty funny. bonus points awarded just because I think he sent the wrong game in, and that's pretty damn funny too.

9 failed submissions out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

What The Hell?
by Dark Sentry
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
As one would expect in a garbage entry from Dark Sentry, it's full of rambling nonsense, and aggrevating gameplay.

Story:
I have no ****ing clue. I found a lava cave inside a gingerbread house and then suffocated in an outhouse.

Visual Design:
Random, nonsensical, annoying.

Sound Design:
Plain and boring.

Gameplay:
Trying to find a building you can actually enter is a chore, and can take about a half hour or more unless you're really, really lucky. there's one extremely long battle at the beginning, and nothing else.

Final Thoughts / Score:
It's becoming clearer with each game submitted that Dark Sentry has a personal vendetta against me, and his only goal in life is to shatter my very soul.

9 alphabets out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Series 546.94:Pure Tedium
by Perversion
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
Best intro ever. I loved it. thats all I loved.

Story:
EH?

Visual Design:
GAH.

Sound Design:
ARG!

Gameplay:
GRRRR.

Final Thoughts / Score:
I didn't finish the game. made it as far as new field 04, ran to the edge of the path, saw the teleporter far, far in the distance, and decided "no". all you do is run across huge maps, go into a dungeon that has nothing but locked doors, and run some more. there's probably more to the game, but I couldnt endure any more.

9.4 dammits out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Origami
by Pagerron
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
What the hell?

Story:
It's "origami".

Visual Design:
I have no idea how the hell pagerron managed to generate that spastic wad of polygons. way to go.

Sound Design:
None

Gameplay:
Move it, and watch it twitch!

Final Thoughts / Score:
Still confused by the origami character model. could go in editor and find out, but that wouldnt be fair. I'm sure the confusion is a big part of this game.

5 spasming dogs out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Super Samurai
by Tsunami
RPG Maker 2

Overview:
This game scared me away too.

Story:
You're "Super Samurai". you attack things.

Visual Design:
Very basic. Doesnt suck, doesnt impress.

Sound Design:
Could the music be sped up more? I doubt it.

Gameplay:
Encounter rate is high. every step you take, you are guaranteed a battle. a battle with three enemies that offer no real resistance. and they give you close to five million exp. too bad that exp isnt actually added to your character.

Final Thoughts / Score:
the encounter rate is what killed this game for me. after island land, I couldnt take much more. three battles into the next stage, I quit. Games are given bonus points for scaring me away, so it's not a bad thing.

8 "grah"s out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Series 756.94
by Perversion
RPG Maker 3

No categories this time. it asks you what number he's thinking of, and the answer isnt one of the options. Thats it. and you suck. you suck soooo much. the game over screen desperately needs you to understand that.

9 you sucks out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Series 168.43
by Perversion
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
Yay. another vast, empty field game.

Story:
Well, there's a story... kind of?

Visual Design:
There's an empty field, and a save point.

Sound Design:
Music is used well to crush the will of the player.

Gameplay:
You will be tempted to explore the field. Don't. It's empty. So what do you do? You wait. When evening hits, you will be told that the your character "likes tomatoes". At least I think it's your character. Then at night, you'll be told "once upon a time...". When night comes again on the second day, you will be told "a hero was born". I... didnt stick around for the rest of the story. Knowing perversion (This was the second if his entries I played, right after pure tedium), the game might take several actual days to end.

Final Thoughts / Score:
Boring. not interesting in the least. of course, that is kind of the point with this contest.

8 wasted hair plugs out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Find The Pond
by Kittykicker
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
You're apparently supposed to find a pond.

Story:
Search for pond.

Visual Design:
There is a tree.

Sound Design:
I don't remember there being any sound.

Gameplay:
You look for a pond.

Final Thoughts / Score:
There is no pond.

6 ponds out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

Mr. Oak 2
by Dark Sentry
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
Holy crap, it's Mr. Oak again.

Story:
Uh...?

Visual Design:
Mr. Oak is now very colorful.

Sound Design:
Buh.

Gameplay:
Okay, with Mr. Oak 1, there were big fields, but it was easy to tell where you had to go. Not so with this. I didnt get past the first area. it's a huge maze with a high encounter rate. I don't think anyone is capable of getting through the first area.

Final Thoughts / Score:
I was terrified going into this game, and my fear was well deserved. god damn.

9.8 enraged keyboards out of a possible 10.

[Valkysas]

Re: Absolute Garbage - The Second: Contest Reviews

DIE DIE DIE DIE... (it keeps going)
by Dark Sentry
RPG Maker 3

Overview:
DYING.

Story:
DEATH

Visual Design:
TRAP

Sound Design:
YOU DIE.

Gameplay:
EXPIRATION OF LIFE

Final Thoughts / Score:
It's a very short game...

3 David the Gnomes out of a possible 10.