Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

[HeavenlyDragon]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Aeris/th: That Sephiroth sounds like a cute guy though!

FTW!

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

The spooky cave

Cloud: Man, it sure is spooky in here.

Kain: and dark, too.

Red XIII: I say, there's something moving over there....

Aeris/th: I can't make it out, but it's big.

Cloud: Anyone got a flashlight?

Kain: I do! *turns on flash light*



Everyone: AAAAAAAH!!!!!*run the hell away*

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Outside the spooky cave.

Cloud: Man, what the HELLS was that?!

Aeris/th: I have know Idea.

Kain: Luckily, we're on the other side of the cave. Let's get going.

15 minutes later

Cloud: There she was, just walking down the street, sayin-

Kain/Aeris/th/Red XIII: Dum dum diddily diddily dum diddily doo!

Ninja girl: Ch-YAAAAAH!!! I attack *does so*

Cloud: It's a good thing Tifa lent me her.....Cameo Materia!

Mr. Continuity: *does not complain, for some reason*

Shadow the ninja: *appears*

Ninja girl:

Shadow: *kicks the Ninja girl's ass*

-

Ninja girl: *recovers*

Kain: She's getting up.

Ninja girl: You spikey-headed jerk!

Cloud: "Spikey........headed......jerk"?...

Aeris/th: Cloud?

Cloud: *kicks Ninja girl's ass* NOBODY DISSES THE HAIR!!!!

-

Ninja girl: *recovers again* Owww.

Aeris/th: *Sighs* the poor girl doesn't deserve to get her ass kicked twice in a row.

Ninja girl: *Sniff* I'm sorry I attacked you guys! I was just wandering the world map looking for a way to get some gil!

Kain: You do know that the monsters drop gil, right?

Ninja girl: I know, but for some reason I can't bet into any encounters!

Cloud: Coincidentally, the monsters seem to want to attack us all the time.

Aeris/th: what's your name, kid?

Ninja girl: I'm Yuffie Kirasagi.

Red XIII: *thinks to himself* (I say, miss Yuffie seems to be giving me the "eye")

Kain: Red? You okay, Red?.

Red XIII: Oh, um, yes, I'm fine. Welcome to the party, Miss Yuffie.

*the party goes to Fort Condor, does some stuff, then goes to Junon. After the entire current cast regroups, Cloud, Kain, Tifa and Barret (the cool party members) go check out the "beach". I know, I'm cheating*

Priscilla: Hello, Mr. Dolphin

Mr Dolphin: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh?

Priscilla: How are you today?

Mr. Dolphin: Well, I just bought this lucious pink scarf. Isn't it FABULOUS?!

Kain: Is it me, or is that Dolphin.......gay?

Cloud: Of course he is! He's happy, isn't he?

Kain: That's not the defiition of "gay" I meant, but still.....

Mr. Dolphin: Say, who're those Fab-tabulous people over there?!

Priscilla: HEY! YOU CAN'T BE HERE?!

Tifa: This isn't just your beach, you little bi-

Kain: Easy, Tifa, she's just a kid!

Barret: I pity the foo'!

Cloud/Kain/Tifa: For what?

Barret:..............I haven't talked in a while....

Bottomswell: I am the boss fight! *Attacks*

Mr. Dolphin: Ooooooooh! If I wasn't a different species, I'd be all over you!

Bottomswell: *knocks M. Dolphin unconsious* I hate queers!

Everyone else: *GASPS*

Harvey Milk: *appear*

Bottomswell: Who're you?

Harvey Milk: You must pay for your shallow Homophobia!

Bottomswell: Nooooooooo! *is forced to spend a week at LGBT pride parades*

Cloud: Remember, kids. it's okay to be gay. Don't let those shallow religious nuts get you down.

-

Just a little note. I apologize for the gay stereotyping portrayed by Mr. Dolphin. I know that many gay dudes aren't as "gay" as He is. I also apologize for Bottomswell's homophobic behavior.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

*blah blah Priscilla CPR you saved her she wan'ts to marry ou when you grow up everyone talks about going up to Junon blah blah*

Aeris/th: Okay, have we decided on who's going up their?

Wedge: Not me, I'm just a secondary character. And Biggs'll never shut up if he actually does something himself.

Kain: Okay, how about Barret or Tifa?

Barret: Shut up, foo'! I ain't goin' up there!

Tifa: And I can't go because I have a doctor's appointment.

Wedge: For what?

Tifa: Because I might be...

Kain:..Having back problems? Perfectly Understandable!

Tifa:..........

Kain: ..And I can't go because I'm not even a real part of this game.

Wedge: Well, that leaves Cloud, Yuffie, and Red XIII. So Red, what do you say?

Red XIII: *Is not outside with the others*

Kain: Say, he and Yuffie have vanished.

Cloud: They must be inside the house. I'll go get them.*walks inside*

-

Inside the house

Cloud: Hey guys, we-

Yuffie: Oh, Nanaki, they'll never understand the deep connection we share.

Red XIII: Or how we...you know....

Cloud:

-

Back outside

Tifa: Where're Red XIII and Yuffie?

Cloud: Let's just say you don't want to go in there. I'll go. I need to get as far away from that as possible.

-

The elevator up to Junon

Shinra Goon: No civilians allowed on the elevator today!

Cloud: Don't make me cut your ass with my huge sword here!

Shinra Goon: Eeeeeep! *runs away*

Cloud: Heh, cake.

-

*Insert a very boring part of Junon where you're dressed as a Shinra Goon and have to do some stupid running around here*

Cloud: Well, that was a waste of time. I'll just board this Shinra Boat. I'm pretty sure I saw Red XIII there a minute ago. the others must've boarded when I wasn't looking.

-

Shinra Boat

*Insert talky talky crap here*

Cloud: Hey, Barret.

Barret: Shut up, foo'! Rufus and Heidegger are in there.

Rufus: So, Heidegger dude, do you know why we're searching for Sephiroth?

Heidegger: Ya! We're searching for Und Sephiroth to find Und Promised Land!

Rufus: No, Fatass! we're searching for Sephy to kill him and steal his outfit. With that awesome gear, I'll be the coolest President the world's ever seen!

Heidegger: But Und Rufus! What about Und Cloud Strife and Und AvalUNDche?

Rufus:....They'll be eliminated if they get in the way of things.

Cloud: Man, what a D" ck.

Alarm: RED ALERT! A REALLY STYLISH SILVER-HAIRED MAN AND A SIMILARLY STYLISH WOMAN HAVE BOARDED THE BOAT!!

Barret: It's Sephifoo'!

Cloud: *snickers*

Alarm: ALSO, BUNCH OF RANDOM ENCOUNTERS HAVE BOARDED AS WELL!!

Rufus: Ah-ha! Get the rifle, we're going Sephihunting!!

Heidegger: Sorry Und Rufus! The Und door is Und Locked!

Rufus: Damn!

-

*the entire party changes into regular outfits.

Cloud: Okay, I pick Tifa, Aeris/th and Kain for this battle.

Kain: Great! I get to meet Sephiroth in person!

Aeris/th: Me too! I'll bet he's an ancient like me!

Cloud: Ummmm....

Tifa:....whatever, Cloud.

Cloud: Down into the boat we go!

-

The weird room of the boat

Cloud: Hey, what's with that soldier?

soldier: *fall down dead*

Sephiroth: Oh, come on man! I didn't even touch you!

Cloud/Kain/Tifa: Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Huh? Cloud? Cloud! Good to see ya, buddy!

Kain/Tifa/Aeris/th:

Sephiroth: What? Was is something I said?

Woman: *drops down from out of nowhere* Seph, focus on the task at hand!

Sephiroth: Yes, dear.

Cloud/Kain/Tifa/Aeris/th: ????

Woman: What? don't you recognize me? *steps into the light*

Kain: It's........JESSIE!

Cloud: What're you doing dressed like a girlier version of Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Girly-er?

Jessie: After you bozos ditched me, I met Sephiroth. After a night on the town, a quick stop at a tailershop, and some hair dye and some extensions, Sephy and I became an item!

Tifa: Sephiroth and Jessie.......a couple?!

Sephiroth: She also has awesome boobs

Cloud: but she's a D cup!

Jessie: SO what? at least my boobs are real...Tifa!

Aeris/th/Kain: Oooooh snap!

Tifa: Why you little B" tch! *uses 3 limit breaks*

Jessie: Grrrr! Sephiroth, unleash Jenova-BIRTH!

Sephiroth: Roger! Sorry about this, Cloud *summons Jenova-BIRTH*

Sephiroth/Jessie: *A Teleport away*

*Insert 1 boss fight here*

Kain: Well, that was plain creepy.

Aeris/th: Did anyone else notice how friendly Sephiroth was towards Cloud?

Tifa: Yeah.........weird

Cloud: Let's go back upstairs...

*The boat stops at Costa De SOL harbor*

-

I'll bet you didn't expect this parody to go that far from the actual game plot, did ya?

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

It's about damn time I updated this thing!

-

Costa de Sol

Tifa: Sweet! Let's go have some beach time fun!

Kain: Hold it, we need to find Jessie and Sephiroth before-

Everyone else: *Goes to have some fun*

Kain: *sighs*

-
24 hours later

Kain: Okay, has everyone had enough?

Everyone else: *nods*

Kain: Okay, now we go to find Sephiroth and Jes-

Cloud: Hey look! It's Hojo with some hot women!

Sakaguchi: *smirks*

Kain: Say, why's that one girl leaning on the sand with her face right over.....O_o

Tifa and Aeris/th: *Block Yuffie's Eyes*

Yuffie: What? I wanna see! *Tries to push past*

Aeris/th: You'll get to see when you're older.

Cloud: That's just nasty.

Kain: That's a very unhealthy way to show love and affection to a dude.

Barret: I pity the Foo' who let's a girl do that with her mouth.

Wedge:

Biggs: Even I wouldn't say I did that

Red XIII:....Excuse me, gents....I need to go wash my paws.

Kain: Why?

Red XIII: Never the bugger mind why!

-

*Blah blah they travelled the world map to Mt. Coral (or is it Corel? Eh, who cares anyway...), where they made it to Barret's hometown, Coral)

Cloud: Man, this place looks like crap!

Some guy: It's Barret!

Barret:.......

More guys: *start giving Barret crap for something*

Cloud/Kain/Wedge: Hey, stop that!

Some other guy: I can't believe this foo' came back to the "town"!

Some guy #1: Barret's a foo'! And I pity the foo'!

Tifa: So that's why Barret talks like that.

Barret:.........

Some other guy: Leave before I knock you Helluva far, foo'!

Barret:*heads for the Gold Saucer tram thingy*

Aeris/th: Man, what's there problem?

Cloud/Kain/Wedge: I don't know, but I think it's best if we just continue on before the villagers become antagonistic to us, too. Hey, stop saying everything I'm saying! Seriously, STOP IT! LA LA LA LA LA!!!! I'm an idiot!........crap.

Red XIII: I say!

Yuffie/Aeris/th/Tifa/Biggs:

*And so, the team takes the tram up to GOld Saucer*

[BeeZee]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Please never stop.

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Gold Saucer

Kain: Is it just me, or did the tram turm 180 degrees in midair?

Cloud: *Pays the 30000 gil for a lifetime pass* Beats me.

Tifa: LET'S GO HAVE SOME FUN!!!

ALmost everyone else:

Barret: *sighs* SHut up........foo'.

Tifa: Barret?

Barret: *takes off*

Cloud: Oh, we'll deal with him later. Now, who's going to chill with me at Wonder Square?

Everyone except Aeris/th: *takes off*

Cloud:

Aeris/th: Come on, Cloud!

Cloud and Aeris/th: *head for Wonder Square*

-

Wonder Square

Cloud: HEY, a fortuneteller!

Caet Sith: Hello.

Aeris/th: DO MY FORTUNE!

Caet Sith: Ooooookay. Just a second.

*Insert time-wasting nonsense*

Caet Sith: "You are going to die in a way that ****** off millions of nerds for the rest of time."

Cloud/Aeris/th: WTF?

Caet Sith: Hell if I know. I just give these things out.

Cloud: COOL! Wanna join our party?!

Caet Sith: Ummmmmm, whatever.

Cloud: Awesomesauce!

Aeris/th: I don't know, Cloud.

Cloud: Awww, lighten up!

-

*Insert time wasting onsense here, then skip to battle square*

-

Battle Square

Cloud: What the hell? Why's everyone filled with bullet holes.....O_O

Aeris/th: OH! MY! GOD! Barret's gone nuts and went on a shooting spree!

guy: Well, actually-

Anti-spoiler demons: *kill the guy*

Dio: Hey! You three have swords, staffs and a megaphone and are surrounded by people with bullet holes! I'm going to arrest you despite the fact I can't prove you killed them and I don't have the authority to run arround accusing whoever I want!

Joseph Mcarthy: Communist!

Cloud: Wait, we can explain everything in a calm and rational matter. RUN!

Cloud/Caet Sith/Tifa: *Run stupidly into the battle area, which is a dead end*

*blah blah arrested blah blah thrown in the Gold Saucer jail blah blah Barret shoots an annoying guy who follows the party arround for some reason.*

-

Gold Saucer Jail (the house wherre the party is)

Cloud: Barret, did you shoot up Gold Saucer?

Barret: NO, FOO'!

Cloud: Well, his story checks out! Let's go!

Kain: Wait! Then do you know who might've?

Barret: Yeah, foo'. his name is Dyne. Ya see, about 4 years ago, the town of Corel was a thriving mining town which was founded long ago by the legendary Mr. T. The townfolk were devoted to becoming just like him, so we adopted his was of life and talking pattern. One day, Shinra co. came around wanting to build a mako reactor. Back then, I thought Mako was superior to the Coal we used, and only a foo' wouldn't want to follow the flow of technology. Dyne was my best friend, and he wanted to stick with Coal. I tried to reason with him, and eventually he gave in. Hover, one day something went wrong with the reactor, and Shinra Co. blamed Corel and torched it. Mr. T himself came down and destroyed the foo's, but the fire's damage was already done. Also, the fire killed my wife Myrna and Dyne's wife.
When Me and Dyne saw the fire, we ran over to help, but we got into an...accident, and I lost my right arm while Dyne fell down a cliff. I got my arm turned into a gun so it'd scare off Shinra foo's, and one day I heard some guy got a similar operation on his left arm. I guess that's Dyne. No Idea why he'd shoot up Gold Saucer.

Wedge: We've got to find him.

Cloud: Then let's do so.

Cloud/Barret/Tifa/Kain: *Go to find Dyne*

-

Gold Saucer Jail (Dyne's area)

Barret: Dyne!

Dyne: Barret? Barret! Good to see ya, buddy!

Barret: You shot up random foo's iun Battle Square!

Dyne: What? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Barret/CLoud/Tifa/Kain: ????

Dyne: That wasn't MY gun! Those foo's bought a whole case of 6-shooters. they all got drunk and a fight broke out! When They had killed themselves, I ran like hell down here.

Barret:.......Well, his story checks out.

Cloud: But what about-

Barret: HIS. STORY. CHECKS. OUT!!!

Cloud: *hides*

Tifa: Say, Mr. Dyne, how's about joining our cause to destroy Shinra?

Dyne:..........mmmmmokay. I still have to pay those shinra foo's back for killing my wife and my daughter Marlene.

Barret: Actually, Marlene's alive. She's in Midgar.

Dyne: Oh, then my wife, then.

Kain: Sure, sure. But let's go!

Cloud: *comes out of hiding* It's a good thing we got a new party member.

Tifa: Awwwww, I want to use my cameo materia!

Kain: Then do so!

Tifa: *uses cameo materia*

Quena Quen: *Appears*

Everyone else: AAAGH!!! *run away*

-

*BLah blah chocobo race blah blah buggie thing blah blah Gongaga blah blah TIan materia blah blah huge materia blah blah Zack is mentioned blah blah let's all go to COsmo canyon*

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Right Outside Cosmo Canyon

Cloud: It's a good thing we have this Buggy to get us across to the next part of the Continent.

Buggy: *breaks down on purpose*

Cloud: Well crap. I guess we have to go inside this Large Area.

-

Cosmo Canyon

Red XIII: *Cleans his monocle* By george! It's my home, Cosmo Canyon!

Some guy: Well Bob be my bloomin uncle! It's Nanaki!

Dyne: Nanaki? Who's Nanaki?

Kain: Red XIII is. He told us his real name before you joined up.

Nanaki: Let's go say hi to my grandpa bugenhagen up at the top of the observatory.

Cloud/Kain/Aeris/th/Tifa: *DO so*

Barret/Dyne: *Try to arm wrestle*

Everyone Else: *Does whatever*

-

Bugenhagen's house

Nanaki: I'm home, Grandpa!

Bugenhagen: HO HO HO!

Cloud: It's Santa Claus!

Everyone else:........

*BLah blah talky talky observatory junk omg Nanaki's only 16 blah blah let's go to the cave of the Gi with Bugenhagen, CLoud, Nanaki, Kain and Caet Sith*

[salamander]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

The spooky cave

Cloud: Man, it sure is spooky in here.

Kain: and dark, too.

Red XIII: I say, there's something moving over there....

Aeris/th: I can't make it out, but it's big.

Cloud: Anyone got a flashlight?

Kain: I do! *turns on flash light*



Everyone: AAAAAAAH!!!!!*run the hell away*

Quina LMFAO!

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Cave of the GI (the weird boss chamber)

Nanaki: I say! What the Bugger is that gruesome thing?

Gi Nattak: Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!

Cloud: *uses a pheonix down of Gi Nattak*

Gi Nattak: *dies instantly*

Kain: Don't you just love undead enemies?

Bugenhagen: Ho Ho Ho! Nanaki, I want you to look at something.

Nanaki: Yessir, grandpa! You guys stay here.

Cloud/Kain: *sulk*

-

Seto's area

Bugenhagen: Look, Nanaki. that's your father. when the Gi attacked, Seto ran over here to prevent them from entering the canyon. he was a hero instead of the coward you believed him to be. Sadly, the gi shot poisoned arrows at Him, which cast "Petrify" on him.

Nanaki: By Joe! My father was a hero! Hmmmm, Petrify you say?

Bugenhagen: Ho Ho Ho! Yes.

Nanaki:*Uses a soft on Seto*

Seto: *Comes back to life*Aahhh! The arrows! they still BURN!!!*Dies*

Nanaki/Bugenhagen:O_O *run away*

*Blah Blah Red XIII rejoins the party Blah Blah let's go to Nibelheim*

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

No, I didn't abandon this thing.

Nibelheim

Cloud: Oh. My. GOD! Nibelheim is still standing?! this isn't right?! I saw it get burned down!

Wedge/Biggs/Dyne/Everyone else:.....

Tifa: Let's have a looksie

*Blah blah search the town blah blah let's go to the Shinra Brand Mansion blah blah unlock the safe"

Cloud: What's that?!

Lost Number: Roar! I am the Lost number!

Kain: Jesus Christ! What the hell are you?!

Lost Number: Um......I'm the Lost Number.

Kain: Yeah, but what....are you?

Lost Number: I told you, I'm the Lost Number!

Kain: No, damnit! I mean what kind of monster are you!

****** Number: Read my lips! I'M! THE! LOST! NUMBER!!!

Kain: NO!!! WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!!!

Very ****** Number: You Know what?! SCREW THIS!! I'M LEAVING!!!*Does so*

Cloud: Wow! Good work Kain! You got us out of a boss fight!

Kain:.........

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

an annoying boss fight at that

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Shinra Brand Mansion Basement (Near Vincent's room)

Kain: Okay, so this key opens this door over here..Hey! What's in that coffin?

Wedge/Dyne/Kain: *Open the coffin*

Vincent: Who goes there?

Cloud: AAagh! A VAMPIRE!! *Stabs Vincent in the chest*

Vincent: Aaugh! *Dies*

D13:....Umm, let's try that again.

-

Shinra Brand Mansion Basement (Near Vincent's room) try #2

Kain: Okay, so this key opens this door over here..Hey! What's in that coffin?

Wedge/Dyne/Kain: *Open the coffin*

Vincent: Who goes there?

Cloud: AAagh! A VAM-

Cait Sith: *Knocks Cloud out cold* Don't you dare!!

Vincent: I still don't know who you people are.

*BLah blah Lucrecia blah blah vinnie joins the party blah blah CLoud's revived"

[Deeth Irteen]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF Edition

Shinra Brand Mansion Basement (Library)

Sephiroth: Um, why are we here?

Jessie: We're aiting for Cloud and his army of morons so we can direct them towards Mt. Nibel.

Sephiroth: Couldn't we leave them a note or something?

Jessie: NO!

Sephiroth: Yes, dear.

*Cloud and co. arrive*

Cloud: Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: 'sup.

Jessie: No, no, you have to be intimidating.

Sephiroth: Oh, um.....Mind if we try this again?

Cloud: *rolls his eyes*..Whatever. *Walks out of the Library, then returns* Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: This! IS! SPARTA!

Jessie:

Sephiroth: Sorry. Should I try that again?

Jessie: No, no. Forget it. Hey Cloud! CATCH! *Throws a Destruct Materia at Cloud*

Destruct Materia: *Deals 9999 Damage*

Cloud: *Dies*

Wedge: Huh! The Damage is...... OVER NINE-THOU-

Kain: NO.

Wedge: But-

Kain: NO!

Wedge: *Sulk*

Jessie: Anyway, you should travel across Mt. Nibel.

Tifa: Why?

Jessie: BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE SEPHY AND I ARE GOING! Chao!

Sephiroth/Jessie: *Teleport away*

Aeris/th: I'll revive Cloud.

Tifa: But I have the Revive materia!

Aeris/th: But I'm the Healer in this Game!

Tifa: But Cloud's Mine!

Aeris/th: IS NOT!

Tifa/Aeris/th: *Big nasty Cat fight*

Kain: Should We stop them?

All the other guys: *Bet on who's going to win*

Kain: *Sighs* If you can't beat them......*Joins in the betting*

[Biggie]

Re: Final Fantasy VII: WTF editon

This should get novelized when you are finished.