I haven't slept in a long time. This is what comes out. I sound crazy, but at least I'm aware of it.
As I begin writing, the only light in the room is the comforting glow of the computer screen. Soon the sun will come up. I haven’t watched a sunrise since the days of Saturday morning cartoons. Like I have for the past few years, though, I’m writing. I don’t know what else to do with myself. I’ve tried to busy myself in other ways. It never works. Sure I could sleep, but sleeping doesn’t make me feel any better. I just wake up as confused and dumb as when I went to sleep. Cutting didn’t work either. I did it first because it was trendy. My brain tricked me into believing it was working for a little while. I thought the blood pacified my sense of being lost. It didn’t. Nothing ever really makes that feeling go away. Not even writing. I don’t think so at least. So far this is just the thing that distracts me the best. I never understood why. Not until tonight at least. As embarrassing as it may be to admit, the computer is my best friend. Not in a pathetic kind of way, no I have real friends. I have a lot of real friends.
I have a lot of friends that are real. That makes much more sense. Real friends implies something that I’ve never really had before.
The typing stopped because I couldn’t distract myself anymore. It hurts. I’ve said it to myself tonight hundreds of times in my head, so it already sounds trite to me. This is the most painful thing I can think of. This is the most amazing feeling in the world. I can’t get enough of it. I stop again.
Words dance in my brain. Hundreds of words. Volumes worth. But it’s like someone waving their hands in front of a train wreck. Sure, it’s distracting, but it doesn’t hold your attention. It doesn’t stop you from focusing on that train wreck.
Is that what this is? Is this a train wreck? Or is this a desperate attempt to make my life seem more interesting? I’ve done this a thousand times before. What makes this any different?
I hate myself right now. It won’t last long, I’m sure. I just have to fight off those pesky demons. Always making me second guess myself. I don’t even know which are demons and which are the ‘good’ ones. I haven’t known for a long time. They’re there a lot. Apparently my brain is a great place for demons. I stop again.
Maybe it’s because it’s so late. It’s not late anymore, it’s early now.
I’m trying to think of how to get back on track. I had a point earlier, this was going somewhere. Now it’s a train wreck. There’s always that ****ing train wreck.
I finally opened up. I shared something that I’ve never shared before. She’s the only person in the world that knows. Besides the demons, of course. But they’re the ones that told me. It’s hard to stay focused when they’re here.
She listened. She listened to every word I said. She didn’t judge me. At least, I don’t think she did. But that’s just the demons making me worry. They’re so good at what they do.
I didn’t tell her everything. If I had, the page would be blank. But no, word after word jumps from the keys to the screen. I didn’t tell her everything. I told her what I was comfortable with. Which was a lot more than anyone else knows. I haven’t known this girl more than two months and she knows more about me than anyone else. Anyone.
I guess that’s why it hurts. “Don’t hold your breath.” I told her I wouldn’t. I lied to her.
I can’t help it. By this point, there’s no way I wouldn’t hold my breath. But these are just words. I’ve written these words before. Not in the same order, but I’ve written this before. Maybe I didn’t even write it. Maybe it was just dancing in front of another train wreck some other time. I really can’t be sure. There’s too much going on up there.
I’m rambling. Searching for more words now. I need to distract myself longer. The words are still dancing. I laugh at myself for wondering if they’ll ever stop. Or if I could stop them. I laughed because I pictured a bullet. I’m desperate for attention again.
She might as well have punched me in the stomach. At least then I could recover and feel better. No, this will last. Especially so long as those ****ing demons are there. I wonder what it’d be like without them.
It hurts. But this is the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I can’t get enough of it.
I can see the sun coming up over the mountains. It’s absolutely beautiful.
I have a lot of friends that are real. That makes much more sense. Real friends implies something that I’ve never really had before.
The typing stopped because I couldn’t distract myself anymore. It hurts. I’ve said it to myself tonight hundreds of times in my head, so it already sounds trite to me. This is the most painful thing I can think of. This is the most amazing feeling in the world. I can’t get enough of it. I stop again.
Words dance in my brain. Hundreds of words. Volumes worth. But it’s like someone waving their hands in front of a train wreck. Sure, it’s distracting, but it doesn’t hold your attention. It doesn’t stop you from focusing on that train wreck.
Is that what this is? Is this a train wreck? Or is this a desperate attempt to make my life seem more interesting? I’ve done this a thousand times before. What makes this any different?
I hate myself right now. It won’t last long, I’m sure. I just have to fight off those pesky demons. Always making me second guess myself. I don’t even know which are demons and which are the ‘good’ ones. I haven’t known for a long time. They’re there a lot. Apparently my brain is a great place for demons. I stop again.
Maybe it’s because it’s so late. It’s not late anymore, it’s early now.
I’m trying to think of how to get back on track. I had a point earlier, this was going somewhere. Now it’s a train wreck. There’s always that ****ing train wreck.
I finally opened up. I shared something that I’ve never shared before. She’s the only person in the world that knows. Besides the demons, of course. But they’re the ones that told me. It’s hard to stay focused when they’re here.
She listened. She listened to every word I said. She didn’t judge me. At least, I don’t think she did. But that’s just the demons making me worry. They’re so good at what they do.
I didn’t tell her everything. If I had, the page would be blank. But no, word after word jumps from the keys to the screen. I didn’t tell her everything. I told her what I was comfortable with. Which was a lot more than anyone else knows. I haven’t known this girl more than two months and she knows more about me than anyone else. Anyone.
I guess that’s why it hurts. “Don’t hold your breath.” I told her I wouldn’t. I lied to her.
I can’t help it. By this point, there’s no way I wouldn’t hold my breath. But these are just words. I’ve written these words before. Not in the same order, but I’ve written this before. Maybe I didn’t even write it. Maybe it was just dancing in front of another train wreck some other time. I really can’t be sure. There’s too much going on up there.
I’m rambling. Searching for more words now. I need to distract myself longer. The words are still dancing. I laugh at myself for wondering if they’ll ever stop. Or if I could stop them. I laughed because I pictured a bullet. I’m desperate for attention again.
She might as well have punched me in the stomach. At least then I could recover and feel better. No, this will last. Especially so long as those ****ing demons are there. I wonder what it’d be like without them.
It hurts. But this is the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I can’t get enough of it.
I can see the sun coming up over the mountains. It’s absolutely beautiful.
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