Another Poem Topic

[neobi]

I don't do a lot of poetry but when I do, I usually try to do a decent job of what I come up with. I like creating new patterns and rules to govern a peom yet keep a certain theme or mindset for what it's suppose to send to the reader.

Okay here's my poem with a cool kinda governing law. The first line forces the length and starting letters of all the following lines


Dreams are kept often dark
Dangerous Relics Entering And Meanings Secret
Agnostic Reasons Endearing
Kinds Exchanged Preposterously Together
Oblivious Feelings Torn Endlessly Now
Dreams Are Rendering Karma


~~~~~~~~~
Line Translation
Our dreams are kept quite regularely hidden away from us
The dangerous things we cherish come to us in our minds but the reason is unknown
doubtful reasons give us our comfort (because there are no undoubtful ones)
the kinds of doubtful reasons are mixed irrationally together
the unmindful feelings are destroyed until they hardly exist
But these dreams are effecting us and our future

~~~~~~
Translation
Dreams are dark and scary because we can't always control them. We are subject to human desire and other things. The other thing is that we can't control these dreams as they all merge into us and our minds and they are effecting us. Things that we can't control that are effecting our lives can be pretty scary!


I've had some of my poems published before in contests. I'll see if I can't find my winter breeze one...

[Tex Ritter]

Re: Another Poem Topic

Do you listen to the Mars Volta?

[neobi]

Re: Another Poem Topic

Do you listen to the Mars Volta?

Never heard of him t be honest. Why? He do something good?

[altoecko]

Re: Another Poem Topic

Check out Mars Voltas first album De-Loused In The Comatorium their best in my opinion if you're going to check on any of their albums. I didn't like the first poem all too much. Maybe it was the capitalization of all the words or something, but it honestly just seemed like a bunch of random words thrown together. Next time I'm inspired to write a poem I'll post what inspired me along with the poem, how's that? The second poem is good, the 3rd line seems slightly redundant but I like it anyways.

[Tex Ritter]

Re: Another Poem Topic

I was wondering if you liked them because they do the random words thrown together thing too. I don't really like that type of writing.

[neobi]

Re: Another Poem Topic

There was only one poem.

The second thing was the line by line translation and the final thing the overall translation.

The capitals letters I did only to emphasize the pattern of the poem. Look:

Dreams are kept often dark
Dangerous Relics Entering And Meanings Secret =DREAMS
Agnostic Reasons Endearing =ARE
Kinds Exchanged Preposterously Together =KEPT
Oblivious Feelings Torn Endlessly Now =OFTEN
Dreams Are Rendering Karma =DARK

which restates the first line.


~~~
Ed

They are by no means random words thrown together, just read the translation, it explains exactly what it means.

[altoecko]

Re: Another Poem Topic

Oh, my mistake, I understand now. I'm still not a big fan of the poem, sorry man. Especially since you had to describe it so much. I don't find much interest in poetry like that. I like poetry that I can understand a message from without someone describing it to me. Even if it's the wrong message, I still like just being able to pull one meaning out of it. Which I did with yours, but the fact you went into much more detail just to say what it was about ruined it for me.

[Chad]

Re: Another Poem Topic

I agree with alto on this one.

[neobi]

Re: Another Poem Topic

Yeah when I posted it before on another site, I didn't post the translation right away. Then people were kinda confused and too lazy to think about it so I had to explain it. So I just did it likewise here. You can adapt the meaning to fit your own feeling, but the whole idea of dreams being uncontrollable to be scary is what I had intended when writing it. But thanks for reading it guys. I'll see if I can't write or dig up a few more.

[DarkwingChuck]

Re: Another Poem Topic

I liked it. I liked the idea of each line being like an expansion of the words in the first line while the poem as a whole was an expansion of the idea in the first line. But I agree you overexplained it. It's like when someone explains a joke, even if it was funny the explanation kinda kills it. It would seem less like random words without the capitalization, too. So in the future put up the poem without explanantion and then if nobody gets it do the explanation seperate.