The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

[Funk]

This is the story I am writing for the RPG Maker game I will never make. I decided to write it anyways. This is only chapter one and sort of an introduction: I will add more later(maybe).

LOL, the story is still in my mind.

[John Mora]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

I will add more later(maybe).

Well that's not encouraging.

Other than that, I have to say the extended bread metaphor was a little off-putting for me. My first impression is that this story isn't very entertaining for me, but then again, I was given only a few paragraphs. I can appreciate that there weren't any blatant spelling/grammar errors.

[Vonwert]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

At first I thought the characters were made of bread

It is interesting, but I am not sure how it will play out. Or why they are forced to do the mirrors.

[Funk]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

Other than that, I have to say the extended bread metaphor was a little off-putting for me.

The sentence itself is too long and I thought it was awkward after the first couple of times I re-read it. I'm thinking of a way to change it and still maintain coherence.

At first I thought the characters were made of bread

They find that out later. That's the main twist. Good intuition!

It is interesting, but I am not sure how it will play out. Or why they are forced to do the mirrors.

That's all in chapters 2 to X.

Really, this was just an attempt to write something after not writing for awhile. I just wrote what came to mind to see if something gelled, and after re-reading it I feel that I left a lot of things that could never really be worked into anything. I'll probably have to cut and simplify much of it. I just wanted to see what other people thought so I could work on parts that I'm lacking in. This whole chapter pretty much was just a spur of the moment idea.

[Kefka Jr.]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

It was in this fashion that the tradition of Reflection Hour was passed from mother to daughter, and the peasant girls wished that they were boys, while the boys wished that the girls were Princess Arpegi.

I like it a lot.

[Funk]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

By the way, the whole purpose of Reflection Hour is to remind the peasants that they ARE peasants. The King and Queen are pricks, and they are using their daughter's beauty to cause anguish in the peasants. Trying to figure out the reason they chose this method over something else is like trying to figure out why the robots in the Matrix decided that a whole other virtual world was necessary to keep the human mind at bay. Everyone that has power uses their power to make those without power think that they have none. Also, no one likes to be reminded when their social status is lacking, and they especially don't like to see their children suffering because of it. When your social status is high, you think you can pretty much just throw them in a room, surround them by possessions, and then keep reminding them how good they have it without actually caring for them. That's just one aspect I was going for.

The kidnappings mentioned in this chapter is the most important aspect of the story. It's the key to how the story plays out. Had this really been made into a game, this whole Reflection Hour thing would probably be scrapped.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

I thought it was fairly obvious that you were pointing out how cruel the King and Queen were to their peasants, and also how they were just as cruel in a polar opposite way to their own daughter, lavishing her with possessions and the idea that she's the most beautiful thing ever, yet have no real relationship with the daughter.

The bread metaphor for the Princess is stretching it a bit too much, and if you do plan to continue with this story, I would suggest toning it down so that people don't automatically get the idea that the people are made of bread.

Other than that, the writing is decent enough, and like Mora said, the lack of errors in spelling and grammar are always welcome. It is fairly uninteresting largely in part that there is no central character focus. This is more or less a universal narration, somewhat like a summary of the story before it actually starts, and those tend to be boring and lacking interest. Not a huge deal, though.

EDIT: And unless I'm an idiot, is Arpegi pronounced like R-P-G?

[Czechs Mex]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

At first I thought the characters were made of bread

I would suggest toning it down so that people don't automatically get the idea that the people are made of bread.

Ho boy.

I thought this was really creative. I liked the mirror thing more before you explicitly stated what you were doing with it. The line Kefka quoted is my favorite.

And princess RPG, heh... I didn't notice that.

[Funk]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

EDIT: And unless I'm an idiot, is Arpegi pronounced like R-P-G?

It most certainly is, and purposely, I might add.

Yes, the story is lacking because of no character development. I have ideas for what I want Princess Arpegi to be like, and this chapter was sort of a motive to try to jumpstart her into the path I wanted her to go down. She's stuck in the castle, and the only time she gets to leave is when she is kidnapped. She, like a lot of people in the world, are not happy where they are at in their lives. What isn't told in the story YET, is what happened WHEN she is kidnapped, what happens between her and her captor (the most important aspect of the story), and what ultimately happens because her parents tried to keep her locked away for their own personal gain. I don't want to go too deep into it because it gives away the ideas that I've been toying with that I actually think may have some potential.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

I just hope she doesn't end up with a yeast infection.

[Funk]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

LMFAO.

OK, now I really want them to be bread, but I can't, because you're the one that came up with the joke.

[Czechs Mex]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

I just hope she doesn't end up with a yeast infection.

HA!

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

OMFG, IT'S OLAF!

Cool.

I figured that was just far, far, far, too obvious a joke not to be in your mind already. :b

[Funk]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

It probably slipped my mind because I'm trying to change away from the people being bread, and hopefully my edit fixed that. Someone let me know if there is still some confusion about people being slightly crusty on the outside but softies on the inside. I still have to mention bread in the story now because of all of the jokes. In fact, maybe I'll try to fit your joke in, Rick, if you're willing to give it up.

[Caciss]

Re: The Awakening of Princess Arpegi

Oh Rick, you're a barrel of laughs!