Friends I’ve Never Met
Six Years at the Pavilion
By Philip “Loki” Armstrong
I don’t remember the exact date I discovered the RPG Maker Pavilion. RPG Maker was released on September 18th, 2000 so it must have been close to then. A week or two beforehand at least. I had anticipated RPG Maker all year. During my senior year at high school I had developed an idea for a game where you played as the traditional RPG villain and saw the story from his point of view. It was a grand epic featuring multiple viewpoints, characters with deep symbolism in their names (not really, but I was young at the time and thought I was clever), and a long arching storyline. Though I had worked on the idea for eight or nine months I quickly dropped it when, while working at a carpet factory for the summer, I developed the idea that would become my first RPG: Lunar Pandemonium.
Summer ended and I went to college. I had decided to go out of state to the University of Tulsa. I was looking for the “real college” experience. However, at Tulsa I knew no one and had trouble making new friends. Very few people there were into videogames in the way I was, the art department looked down on cartooning, and my roommate was a drunken ex-model who, despite introducing me to beer, did little good for me. I became introverted and shy. My self-esteem plummeted. I ignored my class work and any social obligations, except for the times when my roommate would drag me to some party where I would usually drink too much and then embarrass myself in some horrible manner. In short, Tulsa was a bad time for me.
There was one solace. While preparing for the release of RPG Maker I was searching the web for information on it. Up to that point I had relied on RPGamer.com for all my news. On a whim I typed “RPG Maker” into a search engine expecting to find nothing. I was shocked when I found a little site that featured screenshots of all the character models and items, details on the mechanics of the scenario system, news on the upcoming release, and most importantly a community of like-minded creators.
At first I only used the site for information on planning my game, but soon I discovered the forum and the chatroom. The forum intimidated me. The wacky antics of Starba, Mora, Smurtle, and Terr frightened me. I’m sure by this time Mora and Starba both had over a thousand posts and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be cool enough for them. At the time I was deeply afraid that these people wouldn’t like me. So I spent most of my time in the chatroom, drawing on the board, and being as wacky as I could so that I would develop a unique identity. I had recently chosen “Loki” as my screen name and though I thought it clichéd and unoriginal it turned out that not many people were able to place its origin. What’s more they couldn’t tell my identity by it. My first few weeks at the chatroom where frequented by questions asking if I was a boy or girl. I had found my hook. Much like how Starba wouldn’t reveal her age I would not reveal my sex. My first year or so at the pavilion was defined by my wacky humor (Loki for a Pumpkin Head, Yyp!, and shimsims) and my sexless persona. Looking back at my old posts I’m surprised I was able to keep people in the dark for so long. My old topics have a strong voice of a boy who was desperate to be liked. I remember that the primary reason for not telling people my gender was I thought that if people thought I was a girl they would like me more.
It was also in these first few weeks that I came across the real reason the Pavilion has been such an important place in my life (and the point of this paper). I spent a lot of time in the chatroom and talked to a lot of interesting people. But I connected with two very strongly. And though I feel I was liked by all the chat regulars and provided some helpful advice too (my name is listed in the credits for Remote Control for one chat session with Alzar) it was only with Golvellius and SkylureX that I developed a real, heartfelt connection. That is to say, even though I had never met, or talked to, or seen these people, they became my friends. These were people who I trusted their opinion and they trusted mine, who made me laugh, and think, who were always there for me, and who I confided in. They were people who made my time at Tulsa bearable. They, and the entire Pavilion, were my friends in a time when I didn’t have any others.
Christmas of that year my obsession with the Pavilion became unhealthy. During late night chats and over AIM I feel madly in love with White Mage Eiko. It’s not an easy thing to fall in love with someone you’ve never met, and it’s dangerous too. But it was love. I was walking on a cloud all winter break. My heart skipped a beat whenever I thought about her (and I was thinking about her all the time). She was my first thought in the morning, and my last at night. She filled me with a confidence I had never had before. I had dated a few times during high school, but never had a girlfriend. I had never felt so connected with a girl, or had one feel the same way about me. And after my first six months at Tulsa I was feeling that one never would. Eiko gave me a reason to like myself. And for a little while she was the best friend I had.
So it was especially crushing when she told me she was a guy. Confused about his sexuality, Eiko had poised as a girl and I fell for it. I was devastated. My confidence was shattered and I lost all my self worth. My second semester at Tulsa was terrible. I ignored all my classes, blamed my teachers for not understanding what I was going through for my bad grades. My relationship with my roommate worsened. I tried hard to get a real girl to like me, but none did, I stopped working on Lunar Pandemonium and to this day it remains unfinished. Luckily, Gol and Sky were supportive and I was developing a new friendship with one Backstabber Zero, who I’m glad to say remains a good friend to this day.
I left Tulsa, came back home, and decided to transfer to film school. Over the summer I poured my feelings or anger, self-hate, and worthlessness into a new idea for a RPG game called Existance. It was about a surreal world where the god who created it had chosen to observe the world as one of its life forms. In order to observe unbiased the god forgot that he was god. Beforehand, he created a stipulation that he could never take action in any event, only observe. So the main character of the game was a person, who had a secret deep potential, but never did anything, and only watched others around him achieve success. The game climaxed with the depth of the god’s only friend and the realization that he could have stopped him from dieing. It ends with an epiphany. The god regains his memories, and in an act of penance, destroys the world and begins to create a new and better self.
It was a mess of a story. I never got far into making it into a game. It was too personal and hard to translate the feelings I had put into it into something the player could understand. I think to this day only Backstabber Zero really understands what it meant to me. But it was also the starting point for a long climb out of the hole of low self-esteem. For the next year or so I was still very antisocial but I reunited with my high school friends and made some new ones at film school. The summer beforehand Gol had suddenly stopped talking to me. He was easy to offend and I had said something to him that he could not forgive, but to this day I still don’t know what it was. Sky got busy with his own college career and came to the Pavilion less and less often. But BZ and I developed a real strong bond. I became less pathetic for attention on the forums and more into my own. In school I learned literary criticism and analytical thought that has developed much of current way of thinking and writing. Though a friendly rivalry with Gloomy (who for a long time I was bitterly jealous of) I developed a style of humor and cartooning.
In the last few years I have made ever more friends at the Pavilion. The Dark Jester, Gloomy, EvilNixion, InragedCow. People I consider friends, though we’ve never met. I greatly admire and respect many of the members of the Pavilion. From Valkysas’s strong leadership, to newcomer H2SO4’s intelligence. From Mora’s wisdom and wit to Kefka and Magus’s humor and taste, There are a hundred members that keep me coming back to the pavilion everyday. I have all these friends whom I’ve never met.
I’ve seen a lot at the Pavilion. I was there for it’s early days and rush of initial RPG creators. I was there for the 2K invasion and Angelboi’s “leadership” of the site. I was thrilled when BlitzballStar took my idea for the Imaginari and created a place that everyone could showcase their creations. I was saddened to see the old “blue gears” background and drawing board chatroom discarded in the name of progress. I was thrilled by Valk’s redesign of the site. I am humbled by the work he puts into it everyday. And I am constantly pleased that the Pavilion has lasted for so long. It’s become much more than a website about RPG Maker. It has become a home for me. For six years now it’s been an important part of my life. It’s a place that helped me survive during the worst times of my life. It’s been a place for me to showcase my ideas and art, to laugh and learn, to have important conversations and stupid ones, and most importantly, it’s a place for me to met friends I’ve never met.
Six Years at the Pavilion
By Philip “Loki” Armstrong
I don’t remember the exact date I discovered the RPG Maker Pavilion. RPG Maker was released on September 18th, 2000 so it must have been close to then. A week or two beforehand at least. I had anticipated RPG Maker all year. During my senior year at high school I had developed an idea for a game where you played as the traditional RPG villain and saw the story from his point of view. It was a grand epic featuring multiple viewpoints, characters with deep symbolism in their names (not really, but I was young at the time and thought I was clever), and a long arching storyline. Though I had worked on the idea for eight or nine months I quickly dropped it when, while working at a carpet factory for the summer, I developed the idea that would become my first RPG: Lunar Pandemonium.
Summer ended and I went to college. I had decided to go out of state to the University of Tulsa. I was looking for the “real college” experience. However, at Tulsa I knew no one and had trouble making new friends. Very few people there were into videogames in the way I was, the art department looked down on cartooning, and my roommate was a drunken ex-model who, despite introducing me to beer, did little good for me. I became introverted and shy. My self-esteem plummeted. I ignored my class work and any social obligations, except for the times when my roommate would drag me to some party where I would usually drink too much and then embarrass myself in some horrible manner. In short, Tulsa was a bad time for me.
There was one solace. While preparing for the release of RPG Maker I was searching the web for information on it. Up to that point I had relied on RPGamer.com for all my news. On a whim I typed “RPG Maker” into a search engine expecting to find nothing. I was shocked when I found a little site that featured screenshots of all the character models and items, details on the mechanics of the scenario system, news on the upcoming release, and most importantly a community of like-minded creators.
At first I only used the site for information on planning my game, but soon I discovered the forum and the chatroom. The forum intimidated me. The wacky antics of Starba, Mora, Smurtle, and Terr frightened me. I’m sure by this time Mora and Starba both had over a thousand posts and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be cool enough for them. At the time I was deeply afraid that these people wouldn’t like me. So I spent most of my time in the chatroom, drawing on the board, and being as wacky as I could so that I would develop a unique identity. I had recently chosen “Loki” as my screen name and though I thought it clichéd and unoriginal it turned out that not many people were able to place its origin. What’s more they couldn’t tell my identity by it. My first few weeks at the chatroom where frequented by questions asking if I was a boy or girl. I had found my hook. Much like how Starba wouldn’t reveal her age I would not reveal my sex. My first year or so at the pavilion was defined by my wacky humor (Loki for a Pumpkin Head, Yyp!, and shimsims) and my sexless persona. Looking back at my old posts I’m surprised I was able to keep people in the dark for so long. My old topics have a strong voice of a boy who was desperate to be liked. I remember that the primary reason for not telling people my gender was I thought that if people thought I was a girl they would like me more.
It was also in these first few weeks that I came across the real reason the Pavilion has been such an important place in my life (and the point of this paper). I spent a lot of time in the chatroom and talked to a lot of interesting people. But I connected with two very strongly. And though I feel I was liked by all the chat regulars and provided some helpful advice too (my name is listed in the credits for Remote Control for one chat session with Alzar) it was only with Golvellius and SkylureX that I developed a real, heartfelt connection. That is to say, even though I had never met, or talked to, or seen these people, they became my friends. These were people who I trusted their opinion and they trusted mine, who made me laugh, and think, who were always there for me, and who I confided in. They were people who made my time at Tulsa bearable. They, and the entire Pavilion, were my friends in a time when I didn’t have any others.
Christmas of that year my obsession with the Pavilion became unhealthy. During late night chats and over AIM I feel madly in love with White Mage Eiko. It’s not an easy thing to fall in love with someone you’ve never met, and it’s dangerous too. But it was love. I was walking on a cloud all winter break. My heart skipped a beat whenever I thought about her (and I was thinking about her all the time). She was my first thought in the morning, and my last at night. She filled me with a confidence I had never had before. I had dated a few times during high school, but never had a girlfriend. I had never felt so connected with a girl, or had one feel the same way about me. And after my first six months at Tulsa I was feeling that one never would. Eiko gave me a reason to like myself. And for a little while she was the best friend I had.
So it was especially crushing when she told me she was a guy. Confused about his sexuality, Eiko had poised as a girl and I fell for it. I was devastated. My confidence was shattered and I lost all my self worth. My second semester at Tulsa was terrible. I ignored all my classes, blamed my teachers for not understanding what I was going through for my bad grades. My relationship with my roommate worsened. I tried hard to get a real girl to like me, but none did, I stopped working on Lunar Pandemonium and to this day it remains unfinished. Luckily, Gol and Sky were supportive and I was developing a new friendship with one Backstabber Zero, who I’m glad to say remains a good friend to this day.
I left Tulsa, came back home, and decided to transfer to film school. Over the summer I poured my feelings or anger, self-hate, and worthlessness into a new idea for a RPG game called Existance. It was about a surreal world where the god who created it had chosen to observe the world as one of its life forms. In order to observe unbiased the god forgot that he was god. Beforehand, he created a stipulation that he could never take action in any event, only observe. So the main character of the game was a person, who had a secret deep potential, but never did anything, and only watched others around him achieve success. The game climaxed with the depth of the god’s only friend and the realization that he could have stopped him from dieing. It ends with an epiphany. The god regains his memories, and in an act of penance, destroys the world and begins to create a new and better self.
It was a mess of a story. I never got far into making it into a game. It was too personal and hard to translate the feelings I had put into it into something the player could understand. I think to this day only Backstabber Zero really understands what it meant to me. But it was also the starting point for a long climb out of the hole of low self-esteem. For the next year or so I was still very antisocial but I reunited with my high school friends and made some new ones at film school. The summer beforehand Gol had suddenly stopped talking to me. He was easy to offend and I had said something to him that he could not forgive, but to this day I still don’t know what it was. Sky got busy with his own college career and came to the Pavilion less and less often. But BZ and I developed a real strong bond. I became less pathetic for attention on the forums and more into my own. In school I learned literary criticism and analytical thought that has developed much of current way of thinking and writing. Though a friendly rivalry with Gloomy (who for a long time I was bitterly jealous of) I developed a style of humor and cartooning.
In the last few years I have made ever more friends at the Pavilion. The Dark Jester, Gloomy, EvilNixion, InragedCow. People I consider friends, though we’ve never met. I greatly admire and respect many of the members of the Pavilion. From Valkysas’s strong leadership, to newcomer H2SO4’s intelligence. From Mora’s wisdom and wit to Kefka and Magus’s humor and taste, There are a hundred members that keep me coming back to the pavilion everyday. I have all these friends whom I’ve never met.
I’ve seen a lot at the Pavilion. I was there for it’s early days and rush of initial RPG creators. I was there for the 2K invasion and Angelboi’s “leadership” of the site. I was thrilled when BlitzballStar took my idea for the Imaginari and created a place that everyone could showcase their creations. I was saddened to see the old “blue gears” background and drawing board chatroom discarded in the name of progress. I was thrilled by Valk’s redesign of the site. I am humbled by the work he puts into it everyday. And I am constantly pleased that the Pavilion has lasted for so long. It’s become much more than a website about RPG Maker. It has become a home for me. For six years now it’s been an important part of my life. It’s a place that helped me survive during the worst times of my life. It’s been a place for me to showcase my ideas and art, to laugh and learn, to have important conversations and stupid ones, and most importantly, it’s a place for me to met friends I’ve never met.
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