good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

[DBtheProdigy]

the main story is that there are 4 sages masters of 4 elements. an exiled demon called Xeno decides to punish the humans, he makes a sword called Xenogen to ensure he will rule over the humans. the sages sealed the demon not knowing about the sword. then in 500 years a boy finds the sword andhe becomes a part of Xeno and Xeno is set free. The 4 sages died off but the blood line continues and a boy named zeek fire master decides to try and kill
Xeno .no sure about extras and oither stuff but thats what i have

[Trebsay]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

Sounds interesting... All though i think you gave too much away... I've learned that reavealing it all at the start isn't good.

You should of left around where the boy finds the sword...

We would have to imagine the rest... And trust me that makes people ( don't know if this the best word for it) eager to see what happens next...

Like my game, I have barely said anything about it... And its titled " The Legend Of The Black Dragon "

And alot of people wanna see how it turns out... I am waiting to tell the storyline until i atleast put a demo up.

Having people know to much about your story can make it boring waiting for it to get done, ( If they wanna play it) And then they don't wanna...

But don't get me wrong there might be lots more to your story or something.

[Valkysas]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

"grammar racist"?

anyways, its a decent start, but it needs to be fleshed out a lot more to be interesting. you need to explain some of the events you mentioned. why would a boy become part of Xeno just because he found the sword? how does that set him free?

[Trebsay]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

^ uhhhhhhmmm... that too. lol

[Vonwert]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

Ok first decide the reason behind the demon's hatered towards humans. I would make the demon human like, and not big with wings and horns.

I would make him have a bad experience with humans from some way he got trapped on earth or if demons have interacted with humans before, and humans grew to hate demons.

Then make it that the demon put a part of his soul into the sword incase his body were to die, ala Harry Potter. And this soul merges with the boy's.

[DBtheProdigy]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

yes it does need alot but the reason the boy becomes part of Xeno is because he made the sword and its very special (and he played the legend of the dark dragon and didnt vow to come back cuz hes got a special sword no one knows about ~:-JK-:~) and its a part of him see i dont want to give it all away so i dont say everything

i just thought of sum more things at the end zeek picks up Xenogen and (= JUST GUESS WHAT HAPPENS =) and uhhhhhhhh bbl to tell u more

[Black Fire]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

You should make it so the demonds soul is mixed with the boys soul. That way on some parts of the game the demond takes over the boy and you play the demond (you play as the boy but do the demons dirty work because he's possesing you).

[Trebsay]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

You should make it so the demonds soul is mixed with the boys soul. That way on some parts of the game the demond takes over the boy and you play the demond (you play as the boy but do the demons dirty work because he's possesing you).

YaH lIk3 tHe D3MoNd ShOuLd Do ThAt

Ok thats a little to much...

[Libby]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

You should make it so the demonds soul is mixed with the boys soul. That way on some parts of the game the demond takes over the boy and you play the demond (you play as the boy but do the demons dirty work because he's possesing you).

(Demon..not demond..sorry, it's just too painful not to correct)

I dunno about that. It makes it sound rather cliche (then again, what RPG isn't that cliche?) and just doesn't sound too appealing. Although I do like Vonwert's idea of a piece of the soul in the boy's body, rather then letting the demon take him over. I guess the way I would look at it, if the demon is going to take over the body, and he knows that this boy has to kill Xeno, then why doesn't he just take over the body long enough to toss the boy off a cliff and then return to the sword for someone else to find who can be more easily manipulated? Another thing you can do is have a peice of the sword placed in the boy (say a gem or something) that could represent the demon, and if the sword is distroyed, or the gem, or Xeno, then it takes the boy with it.

As for the plot, I AM a grammer nazi, so it's hard for me to decipher what is going on, but for what I can read, it sounds way too cliche. As other people said, it's a good start, but it needs alot more developement. Try to make sure that the story is told over the course of the gameplay, rather then all at the start too. My best friend has a theory "People don't like to be force-fed a story, they like to infer." So, make sure that you show the people some of the plot, and then let them make all the connections through the story.

Someone once told me that you have to give away a few spoilers to get people interested in the game. I pitched an idea for a game, and though it has a rather original plot and such, the overture of it sounded massively cliche. You can give away certain spoilers without ruining the whole game, and ultimately making it more interesting to the people who are going to play it. Plus, you can always make the story alot deeper then just "Boy must kill Demon Sword maker." and not tell anyone, so it will be a shock to find out that the plot is deeper then one may think.

And for the grammar- If you don't want grammar nazi's reading your stuff, and you use the same context and sytax in your game that you use on the forums, then it's not going to bode well for your game and no one is going to want to play it. I can't say I have the best grammar in the world, but I would reccomend using some sort of word processor (like MSWord or Word Perfect) for all your scripts, and then transcribing them into your game. This way you can make a game that people don't have to struggle through reading because of netspeak. Typing up your scripts is also good because it allows someone to beta read them (kinda like proof-reading) and help fix grammarical or plot errors that you might not catch, and they can give a good idea if something doesn't make sense.

*Shrugs* I am having someone do the same thing for my story, and I think yours would benifit greatly from a beta reader.

[Trebsay]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

I allready said something libra...

But mine was kinda rude...

[Libby]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

I allready said something libra...

But mine was kinda rude...

I know, I was typing up my rather long response before you posted. You beat me to the punch. I'd watch how you phrase things though, these two are just kids and they don't know too much about how annoyed Pavilionites get at bad grammar. *chuckles* and it should be..

"I already said something, Libra...

But mine was kinda rude..."

-Says the Grammarically Incorrect Grammar Nazi.

[Trebsay]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

laugh out loud! I don't have "goood grammer" But its not like i type like this


i m goin 2 go hom3 wat r u doin?

[Libby]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

laugh out loud! I don't have "goood grammer" But its not like i type like this


i m goin 2 go hom3 wat r u doin?

Tru dat, tru dat. Alright, I think we are running away with the thread, I await the response when Grims is allowed on the computer again.

[Jamos' Old Account]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

The story sounds very cliche, but if done right it can still be intertaining. How about once the kid gets a hold of the sword, Xeno sucks the soul out from his body and takes over his corpse. I can't really think of anything to say to help. I do suggest against the demon's name being Xeno. That's because it seems wierd to have a Xeno and Xenogen. Of course, this is just my opinion.

[Trebsay]

Re: good story.(Xenogen rising)(if u r a bad grammar racist dont bother looking)

Ok...ok... I'll stop too...

We pretty much spammed the whole topic.