Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

[DarkwingChuck]

WARNING: This has nothing to do with anything of interest. I just need to vent. I usually don't post stuff like this here (that's what LiveJournal is for) but hardly anybody reads my LJ even though it's not friends-only and almost never comments. For me venting works better when somebody actually reads it. Anyway, it this needs to be moved or deleted or laughed at behind my back I'm cool with that.

So this semester I'm taking three classes online and one offline. One of the online classes is COBOL Programming. I really didn't want to take it online without physical contact with the instructor and other students but the offline section got cancelled this semester as it has for the last few.

The second assignment is due today and just last the first one that was due last week I cannot figure out how to do it. I'm racking my brain, trying to make sense of the book or the stuff on the course site but I just can't seem to get it. A lot of it is building off of the AS/400 class I took last spring but I can't seem to remember enough of the details to know what I'm doing.

So I just sent the instructor and email letting him know my problem in case he's wondering why I haven't turned in the first and now second assignment. I'll probably need to drop the class but I need to find another to take or I won't have full time hours and will then no longer be qualified for the financial aid I've recieved which would mean having to pay back a couple thousand dollars that I don't have.

I am really disappointed in myself for not being able to handle the class. I don't even care to get a degree in programming any more but I don't know what else to do with my life. I just did a speech last Thursday for Public Speaking about how you can ruin your life by puruing goals that you know aren't going to make you happy but here I am doing just that.

It's things like this that make me wish I'd die soon. It's not that life is so horrible, it just feels so futile. Constantly stressing and putting forth effort to accomplish things for no reason other than to be doing something. If I was dead I wouldn't have to do anything. It'd all be over. Yet, I've never attempted suicide. Instead I just walk around wishing I'd get hit by a car or fall and suffer fatal head trauma. I've tried but I really have never been able to understand why.

[Vonwert]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

All you need to do is find the thing you want to do. Just take some time to figure it out.

You have plenty of time to figure it out.

[Kefka Jr.]

I don't even know if this addresses the situation.

I didn't realize myself until recently that there's a difference between doing what you like and doing what you're good at. Pursue what you like, and you may never make a living from it, and you'll be unhappy. Half-heartedly pursue what you're good at and you'll be unhappy, then before long you won't be so good at it, since you're not invested, and you won't be able to make a living from that either.

Sometimes you just have to choose SOMETHING, regardless of whether or not you really believe in it. There's that old adage "To thine own self be true," but Polonius said that in Hamlet, and he got his ass stabbed. Be someone else if you need to be. Something I learned in my acting class - since I certainly haven't learned how to act - is that, if you have no energy, all you have do to is pretend really, really hard that you DO have energy, and if you do that for long enough, sure enough, you will have energy. If you keep telling yourself that what you're doing is worthwhile, that doing something is better than doing nothing, then maybe, just maybe, if you're really lucky, you'll believe it.

As for your immediate problem with programming, that really sucks that the course is online. In high school, I was literally able to look over and copy someone else's code, or swipe their printout.

Man, why did I take that class?

[Owl of Parliament]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

[Funk]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

I chose Computer Science as a major because it is an established field and is growing stronger. Do I like? It's OK, but I find programming to be tedious and boring. And developing and establishing computer systems doesn't thrill me much, either. But I've been in college for nearly six years, and I find it's far too late to rethink things at this point. The only hope I have is seeing people that have careers that have nothing to do with their college major.

[highwind]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

FUTILE!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[Fayorei]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

Although it's a bit different, I find myself feeling this way a lot with new art ideals. For example, I'm doing a project right now for 2D design that is very hard to me. Sure, it's just a value scale... but because of the fact that I only had two years of art in highschool, I'm new to painting and especially MIXING acrylics. It's a bit hard to go from watercolors to a media that's completely opaque.

But I digress, I would say keep at it... but you already seem to have your mind set. I guess what I really wanna say is keep with programming if you like it, regardless of having to deal with the occasional hard time, and try to overcome it.

I think this is a problem almost everyone in college has experienced once- being overwhelmed.

Personally, my problem is that I compare myself to others too often in my studio classes. It's a vice, but meh, it encourages me to do better work.

[Nixon]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

The only hope I have is seeing people that have careers that have nothing to do with their college major.

That would be me. What I do isn't related to my degree at all. I would actually like to go back to school and major in social work or teaching. Or, I would get an art history degree (I have enough bloody AH credits) and work in a museum.

Don't be too hard on yourself. As others have mentioned, getting through college is tough. Just get a degree in something.

[The Dark Jester]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

For me Im just starting college after a two year hiatus.

Im excited, kinda but I already missed the first day due to registering late.

[Shard]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

I had to take a year and a half long hiatus from college due to financial problems and when I went back, my study rhythm had gone all to ****, but I did finish. I found it really hard to maintain my enthusiasm as a "returning student". Now I find myself in a similar situation to Nixon, I've got a career (of sorts) that affords me time and money to do what I wish, but it has virtually nothing to do with my major. I haven't ruled out going back to school to study something I'd enjoy, but going back for job training is out of the question.

PandaMoe, depending on how far along you are in your current major, I'd suggest either making it a minor or going for a second major. There's no point in beating your head against a wall pursuing a subject you dislike for a career you don't want. If you're fortunate enough to be getting financial aid, now's the perfect time to try out new subjects and let someone else foot the bill.

[IRC]

Re: Disappointed in myself. Venting. Don't mind me

Man, suck it up. Some homework is tough so you'd rather be dead?

If I've learned anything in my five year college career it's that you're degree is nothing more than $50,000 piece of paper in a cheap frame. My cousin's wife got her degree in psychology but she works for Dell's marketing department. The only downside is that you might have to start off at a lower place or that you might get passed over for a promotion for someone who actually went to school for the job. That happened to her.

For me I'm doing a degree in Mass Comm with an Advertising focus. Basically it's a journalism degree with a bunch of advertising classes. But it gives me options. My dream job would be to work in the film industry. Now ask me two years ago and I'd tell you the chances were very slim. But then I lucked into a job making a small independant movie. And man I finally saw the final version and it's crap. But I made some connections with people. If the production company ever makes another movie I know that they'll let me work on it. I found a job with another start-up company, a guy who's trying to start his own studio, that I might be getting soon. It sounds pretty much locked up but the guys from Alaska so who knows what he's thinking.

So I'm doing the mass-comm degree because there's lots of options I can do from it if I actually decide to use it. I could do actual journalism stuff or try to get a job in advertising. There's also some cross over with film and I try to take electives that help out. I'm doing a class that is supposed to look at film adaptations of novels, but so far it just looks like an excuse to watch old movies for a grade. Right now I'm not worried about the future. When I graduate next spring I'll just look at my options.

I could use my degree to work in journalism.
I could do advertising stuff.
I could go to a film school. I hear there are good things in Colorado and NYU.
I could go to graduate school.
I could go to law school.
I could go to Japan and teach english for at least two years with the JET program.
I could hang around Austin and work on independant films and try to gain some kind of skills.
Maybe this studio thing will take off and I'll have a decent job waiting for me when I graduate.
Maybe one day I'll get a laptop and try to come up with a script or novel.

It's not like any of this stuff is hard to do. Most people just go into it like a deer looking into headlights and freeze up at the thought of it. It's like the thought of having to clean your whole house. The weight of that load is going to crush you. Instead you just approach it small term. Do the dishes, then clean up the cabinets to the kitchen, then sweep the floor, then move to the next room and continue.

So right now you need to decide if you want to do this programming thing. Maybe a CIS degree is more up your alley than actual programming. Maybe something else entirely. Look at what kind of stuff interests you. Look at what kind of degree programs your school offers for that stuff. Look at what other schools offer. Look at what kinds of jobs you could do with those degrees. Talk to advisors about it. Talk to professors about it.

Or if your buying into the futility of life thing then just google timewave zero and problem solved.