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    Another Story

    Here's another story, looking for some comments. I will post sections 1 and 2 for now... NOTE: Changed editing thanks to Hito and Big Rick Cook.

    Part 1
    Section 1
    Bang.

    A shot rang out from the alleyway. I watched as he fell, dead. I wanted to cry, to scream, to kill the man myself, but there were more important things. I turned and ran. I didn’t stop running.

    Sometimes I think I never stopped running.

    I still see him sometimes, his dying eyes. Garik was my last protector. I watched him die, murdered by humans. He was one like me, a half-breed. Half lycan blood. Mutts, they always called us. He had saved me when my mother was killed. She was also murdered, but for no reason at all, she was human. I vowed to never forget her, or Garik. He always told me to show compassion towards the humans, he said it was his job to make sure I did.

    I awoke that day as I usually did, abruptly sitting up in my bed, the picture of Garik dying slowly fading as I scanned the room. Everything was fine, as usual. I quickly got dressed in blue jeans and a black tank top, and then headed to the bathroom. My long black hair was untidy, as usual. I combed it a few times then headed back to my bedroom to watch the news.

    “Reports of three more killings by werewolves have come in since last night, the threat seems to be growing…” I quickly switched the tv off. They don’t even have the brains to call us by our real names. Three more killings… probably the same rumors, they kill a few lycans and then blame it on other lycans.

    I began looking my own body over, my nails needed to be trimmed again. I would do that tonight, after I got back home from my supposed date. I looked at my arms, a few scratches, and one large cut, from the night before, climbing an old fire escape. I ran my fingers across another large gash in my leg, a bullet had gotten a little to close for comfort there. The new wounds were healing well; there were no new infections at least.

    I got up and went to the kitchen. I grabbed the milk from the fridge and took a few gulps before putting it back and moving toward the window. The expanse of the city lay before me, seven floors down and at least twelve miles out in all directions. I grabbed my gun and put the holster on in the small of my back. I then grabbed my two knives and put one under each pant leg. I put on my black combat boots and headed out the door.






    Section 2

    Prayers of a City

    It was four blocks to the cathedral, a huge building that was actually a sanctuary and meeting place for my kind. I walked in and saw people scattered in the pews, praying. I swiftly walked toward the front of the sanctuary and into the confessional, shutting the heavy wood door behind me.

    “Father…” I said, looking down at my lap.

    “What is wrong Anikah?” the priest on the other side of the wall asked, in a familiar and caring voice.

    “I keep seeing him…” I replied. “I see him die every night…”

    “I wish I could help, but there is nothing I can do,” he replied. “You just need to overcome that part of your life. Also, they are waiting for you.”

    “It’s just not that easy…” I said, trailing off. I then began almost ritualistic. “Please give me passage to that which my fathers built.”

    The wall at my side began to open. I stood and walked through after it stopped, going to the flight of stone spiraling stairs behind it. The stairs opened up to a large cavern, at least a few city blocks large. There were small booths set up everywhere, and a large meeting place in the middle, with smaller ones set on roads that ran like tire spokes from the center. I began heading towards the center, looking around at the people who crowded the area.

    Not everyone down here was a lycan; some were just supporters of our cause, or people who didn’t even know why the underground market existed. I stopped at a small kiosk with a brown cloth covering.

    “Old man Rob, got anything new for me?” I asked in a false rude into the small box like structure.

    “Anikah... of course... of course... just a moment...” said a small man inside the kiosk.
    “Ani!” yelled a voice from down the path. I looked and saw the familiar face of Jeremy. He stood a few inches taller than me, and his black hair was buzzed almost to his scalp. He wore a black police vest over a blue shirt. He was with the local police department, and was the only reason a lot of us had survived this long. He was almost like an unspoken leader amongst us. “We are ready to make council.”

    “Anikah.. here it is... our newest set for you.” said the old man again. His hand held out a small case. I took it and opened it. Inside was a silver gun. It was a modified pistol.

    “This is the one?” I asked, looking from the gun to Rob.

    “Yes, internal laser sight, up to two-hundred yard accurate shot, adjustable for close range combat, twelve bullet clips. The knife is also high quality, not as compact as your usual ones, but it is strong enough to slice bone, and has a side blade switch to maul whatever you want.” I lifted the gun out and aimed it at Jeremy in one motion. With the flick of a switch there was a small red bead of light on his forehead. I readied the gun, one click to set for close range, another for getting the bullet ready to shoot. I took a breath, teased the trigger, then pulled it.

    Bang.
    I could hear the sound from my dream again.
    I could see him falling to the ground.
    I could see the hole in his head.
    I could feel his blood on me.
    I could feel my own tears.
    I could hear as my footsteps echoed, fleeing.


    The gun made a snapping sound as it tried to fire a non-existent bullet. Jeremy sighed and shook his head. I turned off the laser sight and flipped the safety on.

    “Two clips now, and have another three boxes sent to my house Rob.” I said, setting the gun down and pulling the knife out of the case. It was an extremely sharp blade. There seemed to be two blades attached to the side of it, they were serrated edges, which were also very sharp. I pushed the jewel at the base of the blade and the two side blades rotated so they were perpendicular to the main blade. They were a few inches shorter than the main one, meant to mangle whatever the knife was shoved far enough into. I pushed them back into place. I looked at Rob, who now had two bullet clips in his hand. I first put the knife into my spare place in my pant leg, then took the bullet clips from him. I loaded one into the gun, and put the other in my pocket. I looked back at the case, taking out a small clip from it, a belt clip.

    “You outdid yourself this time Rob.” I told him, looking at him, then to Jeremy.

    “Can we get to the meeting place before you really do shoot something through my head?” he asked, still breathing a little heavily. I looked at him confused.

    “I wouldn't do anything like that,” I said innocently, then looked at Rob. “would I?”

    The old man shook his head, looking downward, with a sincere smile on his face.

    “Please?” pleaded Jeremy.

    “Fine,” I said, beginning to follow him down the path. “Thanks Rob.”

    The old man nodded, then began to nod off.
    Last edited by Zieg Rauros; 01-05-2006, 08:20 PM.

    #2
    Re: Another Story

    I don't know what to say, really. The description is decent, but nothing great. The one problem I have with first person narratives is that "I" is used way too often in them sometimes. This appears to be one of those times. The syntax is all good: grammar, punctuation, spelling; all of that looks pretty tidy. Your dialogue is plain, but it takes a rare talent to write great dialogue. The actual story to me seems pretty uninteresting, though. I have a hard time with stories, though; when there's so little to go on, I tend to lose interest.

    Points of plusgood. "Sometimes I think I never stopped running." I would love this line in context with the opening, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere or make sense with the little you've given us to read. The final line of the second section is great, because of the way you've used the similarity of nod's various definitions to make a quirky ending to the section. Some people think it takes a talentless hack to write stuff like this, but any time you can write a sentence that people will remember in a positive light, you've got something.

    For future reference, it's important to remember that when you're posting stories here, first line indents don't work; the paragraphs will all look jumbled and that has the unfortunate ability to strain the eyes. The only reason I bothered to read this despite this formatting fact is that it was relatively short. In the future, if you post stories without a double-space between paragraphs, most people won't take the time to read it.
    "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

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      #3
      Re: Another Story

      Average.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Another Story

        Somewhat unrelated question!
        Would anyone be irked if I (or whoever) just hyperlink to the story on Fictionpress? That way it's formatted and such. But would anyone not read it simply because it's hyperlinked and not directly posted?

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          #5
          Re: Another Story

          I don't like Fiction Press, but I guess it wouldn't completely deter me.
          "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

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