My prolouge of fun

[hitogoroshi]

A prolouge for my new collection of short stories (although, with RPG3 coming out, I doubt I'll ever finish). Enjoy. Or at least mask the pain.
Anthology of Marr

Prologue: The World in the Stone

Marr is a land untouched by the sands of time, where dragons patrol the skies, wizards walk the grounds, and peace is nothing more then an topic for the sages to discuss. Every day in Marr is one of wonder and war. The story I have selected to tell is one that effects not only Marr but our world as well. However, there are many characters who play their roles in the drama, and you must first know their stories before mine can be told. Thus, I have gathered their stories here, in this anthology. Of course, every story has a beginning, and before you learn of those who walk Marr you must learn about Marr itself.
This tale takes place in Earth’s 1400’s. It is about one young boy who discovered the power of magic within him. He was very adept with his power, and thus was feared by the nobles and aristocrats, who worried one this powerful would upset the delicate balance of power. So, using their power over the Church, they declared the wizard a pagan and a heretic, who had to be slain to keep within God’s grace. The villagers obeyed without question, and the wizard was drowned.
However, magic reacts under pressure, and when the wizard was on his last breath, his powers, focused on a single stone, created a world within the stone. The wizard, when trying simply for a place to breath, created a wellspring of magic. Life erupted in the new world, which the wizard named “Marr”, which, in the arcane tongue, meant “life”.
However, the creatures were still mortals, and were thus flawed. Soon, battles were fought and hatreds where made, which still run as deep as a dwarfen mine. When the wizard passed of old age, any control not held by a warlord was lost, and Marr slipped into anarchy.
The only groups were warring bands, the only settlements were small, battle scarred villages, and no road was safe. Yet, Marr also had a degree of sentience, and when the wars ceased to stop, it reacted in the only way it could, focusing as much magic as it could into a single day, blessing the creatures born then with extraordinary power, will, and virtue.
7 born that day came out as Marr wished, saviors to the land.
It is their tales that you are going to hear.
-Collin Lysford

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: My prolouge of fun

I want you to view this critique as three things. I'm very strict on what goes and what doesn't when it comes to spelling, grammar, and punctuation, so I'll be outlining any faults I find on those points. I also want you to think of this as a critique on how your prologue works in the fantasy genre. Finally, I will give you crits and possible pointers on how well you write. Let's jump into it.

A prolouge

Correct spelling is 'prologue,' first and foremost. Probably just a keyboard typo, but a mistake nonetheless. Another note on what a 'prologue' actually is: A prologue is generally a short story filling in the reader with events that happened before the story you're about to tell, and usually involves different characters. What you've written is not a prologue, but more specifically would be called a preface. The preface is more accurately used to describe this bit of narration because you are directly addressing your audience to give them a lot of vague details about what the stories told are going to be like. Dragons, wizards, magic, dwarves, religious strife, etc. have all been lined out, as well as the seven special characters you mentioned. A prologue is actual storytelling, a preface is a quick introduction into things you're going to be telling.

Everyone I talk to about the prologue and the preface says the same thing: they don't read it. I don't know why, because I always read them in novels, but for whatever reason, people en masse don't read prologues, and they don't even bother with a preface most of the time. Just a fair warning.

and peace is nothing more then an topic for the sages to discuss.

'than a' topic, another possible typo.


There are no options to allow for regular indenting within the forums, so it may be wise to single or double space between paragraphs to make it easier on the reader.

who worried one this powerful would upset the delicate balance of power. So, using their power over the Church,

This is repetetive use of the word 'power.' Articles (a, an, the), pronouns, connector words (and, but, or, nor), prepositional indicators (from, for, of, etc.), and other small words like these are okay to be repeated, as they are essential to the overall understanding of what you're trying to say. When you use a word like 'power' in short succession of itself, it loses meaning and becomes boring. What I do is offer up a viable solution to any perceived problem, and it's up to you on whether or not you use it or another form of your own making. who worried THAT one this powerful would upset the delicate balance of power. So, using their MONEY-SOAKED INFLUENCE over the Church, I also added the word 'that' to the beginning of this quote, because in my mind, the absence of 'that' was distracting me from the meaning of the statement.

when trying simply for a place to breath,

breathe. Breath is pronounced like meth, crystal meth. Breathe is pronounced with a long 'E' sound.

Life erupted in the new world, which the wizard named “Marr”, which, in the arcane tongue, meant “life”.

Here we have a punctuational problem. When you use quotation marks around something like "Marr" or "life," it is proper to place the punctuation directly following it inside the quotation marks as well. Just think of it like dialogue: you place commas, periods, etc. inside the quotes, and the same is done here. Punctuation in these cracks of grammar are sometimes hard to remember and follow accurately, and I always recommend picking up a book called "A Writer's Reference" by an author I can't recall right now. This is an extremely handy, easy to carry, and knowledgeable book on every facet of proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Could be something to look into.

Soon, battles were fought and hatreds where made,

WERE made,

The only groups were warring bands, the only settlements were small, battle scarred villages,

Battle-scarred to be completely proper.

7 born that day came out as Marr wished, saviors to the land.

As a general rule, no sentence should ever be started with a numerical value. Also, any number less than 100 should be spelled out within the narrative. I've never fully understood these two rules, but I've lived by them long enough that they do bother me when they aren't followed. Seven born that day came out as Marr wished, saviors to the land.


And that's it for grammar and all that jazz. Onto the way you write.

As far as interesting designs, this bit lacks in imaginative storytelling. I don't mean you have no imagination, but that your sentences are flat and kind of boring. This tends to happen with prologues and prefaces, especially when you are just filling in some basic facts people need to know. You have a higher-than-average understanding of how grammar works, which is great, but you seem to be timid about pushing your limits and trying interesting things you haven't seen done before. I could be wrong about that, but that's how it felt when I was reading it.

The language use is fairly good, and I like the attempt at fancy writing, but I would be wary of this method of writing, because a lot of people are cynical of its uses, saying 'Ooh, look, I can write fanciful so it's fantasy.' Cynics are tough to get around, because their lambastements always hit home the hardest.

I can't say as your prologue/preface has generated an interest in your compilation of short stories for me, but as an avid fan of writing, and a huge encourager for amateurs - like myself - to put their works out there for people to see, I want to see how you handle true storytelling, as I think it will be a lot better than what you've done here.

And since I don't think I've seen you around the Pav before, welcome!

EDIT: I forgot to mention that you need to try and be exclusively limiting with the use of passive verbs like 'was' and 'were.' It's okay to use them from time to time, but generally only when whoever is doing the action is unimportant. Jenny was arrested. It's not important who the arresting officer was, but it is important that Jenny is the one who was arrested. I killed him. Sounds a whole hell of a lot better than He was killed by me. I hope that one helps.

[neobi]

Re: My prolouge of fun

Yeeesh tearing up the noob lol. But those were some pretty dumb mistakes. Always take a chance to read over your post before submitting it to us.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: My prolouge of fun

I didn't think I was tearing him up. I'm hyper-critical about stories, and I told him that before I started. The truth of the matter is that something like this is really hard to gauge against traditional storytelling, so I had to really reach for my critique of his storytelling abilities, and that's why I said I wanted to read actual stories by him, because I think he's got potential.

[hitogoroshi]

Re: My prolouge of fun

Thanks for the critque, Rick. After you, my 9th grade english teacher will be nothing . In truth, this was a hastly created preface. You see, after many painful hours, I learned I have writers ADD. My longest works of fiction are B.I.O.S and Sanji's Story, unfinished , 25 page stories in tattered notebooks dealing with cyborg's and wolves. So I thought, "Why not make a collection of short storie's so I can actually finish?". Thus, the Anthology of Marr was born. This preface was simply so I could explain what was going on. Of course, now I have writers block. Go figure.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: My prolouge of fun

Trust me, you are not alone in your inability to finish longer works of writing. A lot of people have trouble getting an idea off the ground, and they allow the first speedbump to disable their motion rather than pushing over it to persevere and continue.

I think a lot of stories are just not that great and that's why people discontinue avidly working on it. After you get past the initial excitement of starting a story, then you have to actually finish it, and that scares a lot of people. Sometimes, a story starts out great and then devolves shortly after, and they give up in frustration. Writing good novel-length stories is not easy. It takes a lot of time and creativity and energy, and lots of people I know have simply given up on their writing because it wasn't going anywhere for them.

I was actually surprised to read that you were in 9th grade. I will admit that when I was in 9th grade, I had a slightly more advanced understanding of the language than you do, but you're still leagues ahead of the masses, and that's a great start. The book I mentioned, "A Writer's Reference," is by Diana Hacker, and it's a college-level English language reference book. When you get to college, it will likely be required for any and all language classes you take. I suggest getting it now if you're serious about writing.

[hitogoroshi]

Re: My prolouge of fun

The book I mentioned, "A Writer's Reference," is by Diana Hacker, and it's a college-level English language reference book. When you get to college, it will likely be required for any and all language classes you take. I suggest getting it now if you're serious about writing.

Is writing a very detailed plotline for my RPG count as serious? Of course, I shouldn't say "very detailed" as I'm making a non-linear RPG. Kinda like a linear RPG, but with more switches. MANY MORE SWITCHES...lets hope they have more then 999 of them.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: My prolouge of fun

By serious, I mean that you would like to make writing your career someday, or that writing will be a major part of your career. If you just want to make short stories and RPGs for fun, then it's not so important that you be perfect.

[Caciss]

Re: My prolouge of fun

I was taught that any numeral value under 20 was supposed to be spelt out.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: My prolouge of fun

*becomes paranoid*

I remember from high school, two of my teachers stressed that anything under 100 was to be spelled. I'm pretty sure that at least two of my English books that I tell people they should look into purchasing say the same thing.

Let me do a double-check.

Here's what Diana Hacker says from "A Writer's Reference," page 288:

Spell out numbers of one or two words or those that begin a sentence. Use figures for numbers that require more than two words to spell out.

So in this sense, my usage of '100' over 'one hundred' is technically wrong. I just learned something new. :b Mrs. Hacker goes on to say:

... figures are acceptable for dates, addresses, percentages, fractions, decimals, scores, statistics and other numerical results, exact amounts of money, divisions of books and plays, pages, identification numbers, and the time.

So, there are many times when using the number '7' over the spelling 'seven' is appropriate; this just didn't happen to be one of them.


That was the only one I could find, but it sums things up fairly well. Once again, of course, this is mostly a matter of preference. Whatever you do, make sure you're consistently doing it that way.

[hitogoroshi]

Re: My prolouge of fun

Well, I had a big shock. I was talking to some friends, and it turns out they like my comedy more then my fantasy. So, I'll be writing my other collection of comedy stories I was dreaming up, Painfullly ever after: The bad guy always wins. It's a collection of short fairy tales rewritting so the bad guy wins (i.e: And the Big Bad Wolf had pork for dinner,)
Coming to a board near you whenever the heck I feel like it.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: My prolouge of fun

Just because they like your comedy more doesn't mean you should just stop working on this one.

[hitogoroshi]

Re: My prolouge of fun

whatya know. I managed to write a decent summary of a horror story as well. Tell me what you think.
http://www.pavilionboards.com/forum/...ead.php?t=2436
I'm near the bottom of page 2.