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**Big Rick Cook** · 07-11-2005, 09:53 AM

Re: I Am Hated

I had a terribly hard time reading that aloud.

**Nixon** · 07-11-2005, 10:34 AM

Re: I Am Hated

You're too focused on making it rhyme, and I think that detracts from the intensity you were looking for.

I did like this line:

My ancestors were bastards of men

**neobi** · 07-11-2005, 10:58 AM

Re: I Am Hated

I thought some of the african american references were rather rude, and not sure how that got by but anywho. Yeah you tried to rhyme to much and not keep a rhythm pattern. It's hard to read rhymes that don't have a good flow to them.

**Big Rick Cook** · 07-11-2005, 11:16 AM

Re: I Am Hated

Red, yellow, brown, black, and white
all hate me so, I lose sleep at night.
Why am I hated above all the others?
Why am I cursed by esse's and brothers?
Because my life is easier, my house bigger?
Because not once in my life have I called one a ******?
Truth be told, I'm a ****** in the literal sense
I'm a lazy good for nothing, worth less than six-pence
But I should not feel guilty for these oppressions
I've no secrets to spill in bloody confessions.
My ancestors were bastards of men
Injustices, suffering, where to begin
The black man slaved over land not his own
forced to grow crops he didn't want grown
All for the white man and his greater cause
But stop for a moment, recollect, and pause.

If we are the white devil then what are you?
Who knows who suffered most; Blacks, whites, maybe a Jew?
I've suffered nothing beside those before me
Slaves filled with dreams but died unfree
Jews who watched their loved shot at point blank in front of their face
All because of the Aryan race.
Hispanics border-hopping to feed their families one more winter
Only to be called an economic splinter
Has he no more rights than I who stand before you today?
Is it not just as important what he has to say?
We all whine about injustice done
Civilians must be lost for wars to be won
Orphans of war carry out their mother's dying wish
shattered too quickly when their sisters are raped and killed before them wiith a sickening squish
He thinks he has let down his mother
Yet I complain that I'm being blamed by a brother
For things that my ancestors did that didn't bloody my hand
So how came I to be cursed with this brand?
No matter how bad my life may become
I still live in a house, not a slum
Food in my stomach, family by side
From no totalitarian I hide
I am an American, born and raised
Scolded for acts that never were praised
I want no pity, I have my guilt
For I live on the land that OUR ancestors built.
So I ask not for forgiveness, but that you think
Who suffered most: you, or the lives stolen in a blink?

Since I've never dissected and added my REAL two-cents worth to one of your poems, this seemed a great opportunity. There were several lines that were just too hard to maneuver around and shorten.

I know that you don't care about all the nitpicky rules that supposedly comprise great poetry, and I'll be first to admit, neither do I. You don't have to follow any rules at all to have a poetic work that poetically works, but this thing, read silent or out loud, was garrish and hard to follow through with the lines because they were so erratic and uneven.

I like the idea, and the bastards of men line is pretty good, but for the most, I have no desire to read it again, as it was taxing on me to follow.

**Redneck 2000** · 07-11-2005, 12:50 PM

Re: I Am Hated

It's already the name of a Slipknot song.

**jvrlopez** · 07-11-2005, 06:29 PM

Re: I Am Hated

I really don't like how you follow up a long, syllable filled verse with a shorter one that rhymes with it. It really makes the second line seem static, fast paced, and coming out all of a sudden...

Jewish people who watched as their closest friends were shot at point blank in front of their face (21)

All because of the Aryan race (9)

Right there, you write out a 21 syllable line and follow it up with a brief (in comparsion) line that has a total of 9 syllables. It would sound tons better, IMO, if the first line had less syllables than the 2nd line of the rhyme and if you trimmed off some from the second line to make it a better pairing.

IE-

All because of the Aryan race, (9)

Jewish people watched close friends shot point blank in front of their face (15)

9 and 15 is still a bit strecthed out and an odd pairing, but you should get the idea.

I've made it a point to, while end rhyming, always have the top of the pair shorter in syllable count than the one under it or following it. I think it comes off as being more smooth sounding and giving off a good lead.

However, I think if you want to have long and elaborated lines, you should consider free verse instead of focusing (as Nixon pointed out) on making every line rhyming with it's predecessor.

**altoecko** · 07-11-2005, 10:20 PM

Re: I Am Hated

Well the thing is, this sounds A LOT better when spoken. It looks horrible in text in my opinion but it sounds wonderful when spoken aloud. Otherwise I agree with everything you're saying. Yes Glueme, it is hot all the time in Mexico.

**Caciss** · 07-11-2005, 10:23 PM

Re: I Am Hated

I don't think it flows very well, either way it's read. Everything sounds to forced.

**Big Rick Cook** · 07-11-2005, 10:25 PM

Re: I Am Hated

I read it out loud several times in different ways, and maybe I just can't read it right, but it was frustrating to read, and there are many words that jumble the tongue when you try to read it. 'Injustices' comes to mind as a word that did not fit anywhere in the entire thing.

**jvrlopez** · 07-11-2005, 10:34 PM

Re: I Am Hated

Reading the previously mentioned line out loud sounded something like this-

Jews who watched blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahAll because of the Aryan race.

Don't get me wrong, it's well written but just doesn't flow right when read or come off the tounge correctly when read aloud.

You probably have a certain way of reading of seeing as you wrote it.

I mean, hell, I could read it aloud in Ben Stein's voice and it still wouldn't sound as you intended, I bet.

**altoecko** · 07-11-2005, 10:35 PM

Re: I Am Hated

Ever watch Def Jam Poetry? Read it like they would, random, rushed at times, and very slow at others. It's just the way I read it that makes it sound nice. I don't know what to say, this is a horrible reading poem, yes, but it sounds quite well when read aloud.....I guess by only me. Go comment on my other poems, they're meant to be read. lol

**Czechs Mex** · 07-12-2005, 12:01 AM

Re: I Am Hated

REKORD IT!!!!!!!!!!

**The Dark Jester** · 07-12-2005, 01:50 AM

Re: I Am Hated

even better, RECORD IT!

**Tex Ritter** · 07-12-2005, 01:50 AM

Re: I Am Hated

I think some things could be shortened easily
like

Jewish people -> Jews

Some things are too long and are difficult to recite.
The constant rhyming seems to hurt the flow.

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