A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

[slaed]

This story is so freakishly magnificent, I spent like many hours working on it, okay? So if you don't like it, well, you are free to go to a place which shall not be mentioned for purposes of not creating a hostile environment, but needless to say, a fat red man (not an indian, mind you) who hates the cold will torture you mercilessly until you hail a new master. And no, I don't mean the north pole, but I see how you could make that mistake. Anyways. On to the story. Oh yeah, also some of the characters had to be changed because apparently they reflected other peoples' characters (namely a movie about a person who uses magic powers and a sword of light to save a bunch of worlds, in space, and also there was a big dog in the movie which they called an alien but really it was just a big dog, but I can't name that either because I'm trying to follow the rules of this site.) and real life too closely. Ya darn picky uh... people... who were born out of wedlock.

AWAKENIng YOUR IMPULSES: VEXING TIMES IN HISTORY (this title was altered from its original, more racey self, into something which didn't alarm small children and the elderly.)

A long time ago in a hamlet far, far away, there lived a dictionary. This dictionary was of medium build, but it didn't mind, as, being gender-neutral, obviously had bigger issues to worry about. Well, one day this fine reference of a book was taking a walk outside when a sparrow excreted an unpleasant substance upon its pages. The dictionary fell to the ground, unconcscious. It never woke up again. But it didn't die, for legal purposes.
Soon enough, a doorknob happened upon the dictionary. The doorknob gasped in surprise, exclaiming "My! A hapless dictionary has been murd- fallen unconscious." The doorknob looked left! But there was no-one to be seen. The doorknob looked right! But there was no-one to be seen. The doorknob looked in front of it! But there was only the ..sleeping.. dictionary. The doorknob looked in back of it! and there was no-one! The doorknob looked below it! and there was only the unpleasant substance excreted by the bird! The doorknob never thought, not once, of looking above it. Where lay the bird. But the doorknob reached forwards, gently placing its doorknob parts between the dictionary's pages. "Oh," it said. "I've always dreamt of this day." Of course, by 'this day' it had meant the day that it would finally be able to feel paper. Because in the end, doesn't every doorknob want to feel paper? This doorknob did. And it felt the paper, repeatedly. Into the night. And the morning that followed. And all the while, the bird just watched... is it so bad, to watch a doorknob feel paper? Why do some people think that those that wish to watch doorknobs feel paper should be ostracized?
The end. the moral here is, you should never look at a doorknob or a dictionary with the same regard as before you read this story, because a bird might be watching you.





Now, you all can feel free to submit your own stories with morals, just make sure the morals are good and make sense. We don't need another of those "Dag ate fish and his heart exploded, moral is Dag shouldnt wear spandex" stories.

[Valkysas]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

that was magnificent.

[RPGD]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

I am speechless...

Welcome to the Pavilion, O wisest of men.

[Hyper Dingo]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

The moral of this story is be content with your life.


Once upon a time in a beautiful village in Sweden there lived the three Billy Goats Gruff. The three brothers spent their days lazily living it up enjoying life in the village. But there was a predicament, they knew practically every inch of the sleepy village save for one part. The only part the brothers Gruff hadn’t ventured into was the land nestled on the outskirts of town beyond the bridge. Rumor had it that this land claimed to have the best of everything. Of course not one of the villagers could justify these pipe dreams for rumor also had it that there was a big bad gruesome troll beneath the bridge.

“I say this “Troll” is a bunch of bullsh*it.” the elder Brother curtly stated. The brothers were in their usual relaxing zone by the grassy knoll. “Its really not good to test fate like this.” the middle brother interjected. The youngest brother was staring absently into the deep blue sky. “Ay’! Ya there bro?” the eldest Gruff said as he smacked the youngest Gruff upside the head. “Ow! what was that for you wanker!” the youngest Gruff spat. “Wanker am I?” Gruff senior replied “You want to butt horns with this?” he flared his nostrils and lowered the immense horns that adorned his head. The grass slowly swayed with the wind “No that‘s quite alright” the youngest Gruff replied somewhat bored.

“Alright then its settled, tomorrow we’ll cross that bridge to the promised land!” Elder Gruff bellowed. “Whoa whoa whoa , since when is this place the promised land?” the middle Gruff astutely asked. “Well you know the old saying “the grass is greener on the other side.” the eldest explained “Not only that but the girls are better too.” he shook his head in satisfaction. “Well what the hell is that supposed to mean, the girls are greener on the other side? What sense does that make!” retorted the middle brother. “Gruff you are a moron.” said the eldest. “Well ya know what? Shod off Gruff!” replied the middle brother. The fighting brought the youngest brother back to earth “Why the hell did our mother name all three of us Gruff anyway?” questioned the youngest Gruff. The other two brothers stared blankly at their sibling. “Well I...” the eldest for once was at a loss for words. “I’m sick of you guys fighting already, if we’re going to cross that bridge then lets do it !” said the youngest. “You know I've always liked you best” said the eldest Gruff as he patted the youngest on the back. The middle Gruff brother rolled his eyes and sighed “There's no time like the present then.” he said.

And so the three brothers set off to discover if the grass was truly greener on the other side. “Wow.” exclaimed the middle Gruff. The bridge was a lot longer and gloomier in person. “You could cut the fog with a knife!” said the youngest brother. “No backing out now bro’s.” said the eldest “Lets do it!” The three stood before the dinghy dilapidated bridge. “Alright then since this bridge has seen better days we’d better go one at a time.” said the middle Gruff. “Oldest goes last.” Chimed in the elder brother. The other brothers shot piercing glares at him. “Ya know, cover the rear and all.” replied the eldest. “Alright makes sense I guess” said second born Billy Goat Gruff. “Go on then Gruff.” he motion the youngest on. “Honestly you guys are such babies.” said the youngest Gruff.

TRIP-TRAP TRIP-TRAP TRIP-TRAP, the youngest Billy goat gruff made his was across the creaking relic of a bridge. “Really now scared of a made up troll.” the younger gruff said to himself. “What a bunch of wankers.” TRIP-TRAP TRIP-TRAP The youngest gruff brother stopped to peer into the deep water but staring back at him was not his own reflection but two blood red eyes. Horrified the brother gruff fell backwards. A vitriolic voice rose from beneath the bridge “Who’s that trip-trapping on my bridge.”

The youngest Billy goat gruff swallowed his fear and replied “Only the littlest Billy Goat Gruff.” The bridge creaked. “Ah yes I’m coming up to eat you.” said the troll. The youngest gruff slowly stood up. “Oh you wouldn't want me I'm hardly a mouth full.” he replied smoothly “But my other brother is coming shortly and he’s much bigger.” There was silence for a couple of minutes. “Well that’s alright I have a big appetite.” Uttered the demonic voice. A barb flew out from underneath the bridge and struck the Billy goat in the throat. “I doubt your “brother” will hear you now.” Blood profusely poured from the youngest Gruff as he gaped for air. “You can’t out smart a bridge troll boy-o!” he snarled. The Troll then shot out his devastating frog-like tongue and ripped through the Billy Goat’s torso like efficient razor wire. “Not half bad for just a wee one” the troll smugly said as he sloppily gulped down the remains of the youngest Billy Goat Gruff.

“I wonder if he’s made it.” said the middle Brother. “Maybe the troll got em’.” Replied the eldest. “Don’t be stupid” said the middle brother. “Alright then why don’t you go already.” angrily said the eldest. “Fine I will.” said the middle brother.

TRIP-TRAP TRIP-TRAP TRIP-TRAP “What a piece of sh*it this bridge is, the only thing I should be afraid of is this thing collapsing .” middle brother said to himself. A vitriolic voice echoed from beneath the bridge. “Who’s that trip-trapping on my bridge..” Middle Billy goat gruff stopped for a moment and then promptly burst out in laughter “Alright cut the crap Gruff you’re not scaring me.” he said bemused. “Did your voice change or what? You sound horrible.” A slimly purplish figure slowly emerged from beneath the bridge. “How about now, are you scared now.” the creature hissed. The middle brother instantly stopped laughing and turned pale. Before he could turn tail and run the troll’s razor sharp tongue had already taken off the goat’s legs. “Mum did always say I had a sharp tongue.” chuckled the troll. Another flick of his “sharp” tongue and middle Billy Goat Gruff’s arms were no longer attached to his body. As the second born Billy goat gruff lay dieing in a pool of his own blood he could only think about how marvelous the clouds looked.


“Alright I’ve waited long enough!” said the eldest Billy goat gruff. As soon as he took his first trip-trapping step the eldest (and unbeknownst to him) the last Billy Goat Gruff heard a vitriolic voice bellowing deep within the fog “GA HA HA Definitely was worth the dramatics!” The eldest brother quickly ran towards the voice. He was greeted with a grisly scene, the blood of his brothers painted the bridge red, what was left of them strewn about. “You!” Shouted the eldest Gruff “Bas*tard! So you are real!” the eldest brother flared his nostrils. “Oh, there’s another brother?” the troll paused “The second one didn't mention you so I just assumed.” Steam poured from the oldest Billy goat Gruff’s Nostrils. “Boy is my face red! Well I supposed you’re going to want to fight me now” the troll laughed.

What started out as a simple quest for greener grass and girly goats was to end a bloody mess. The eldest Billy goat gruff and the repulsive troll stood in silence waiting for the first move. The troll’s eye blinked and from his mouth shot the deadly tongue that decimated Gruff’s two brothers. “Ha! what’s this now!” Elder Gruff shouted as he grabbed hold of the slick tongue. Warm blood seeped from his hands as his fingers were slowly being sawed off. In a last ditch effort using all his strength elder Gruff lowered his horns and pulled the troll towards him with all his might. ”NOOOOOO” the troll wailed. The eldest Billy Goat Gruff smiled as the troll’s head smashed like a ripe watermelon against his horns. “Ugh showered with disgusting troll bits.” he said. The eldest Billy goat gruff finally could see the promise land. “My brothers your deaths were not in vain.” Gruff somberly said as he recited a prayer. He made his way to the end of the bridge and emerged from the fog. “Ladies Ladies Ladies Eldest Billy Goat Gruff has arriv-” he stopped short and blinked twice, hundreds of trolls were staring back at him. It turned out the promise land was a place heavily sought out by trolls. “You’ve got to be fuc*king kidding me..” Said the Eldest Billy Goat Gruff.

[Hedrum]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

that was magnificent.

Indeed.

[Crustyrailgun]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

YEAH! WELCOME TO THE PAV MY BROTHA FROM A DIFFERENT MOTHA!

[Caciss]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

That was suprisingly awesome. I used to have entire book thing filled up with crazy morals, I'll see if I can dig it up.

[jvrlopez]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

AMAZING.

If they had like Tony awards for writing, you should get one.

[josh]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

[Alex]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

You write like this guy, and I love it.

[slaed]

You're all so nice with your praise and welcoming and things, you should send me revealing pictures of yourselves (to show your appreciativeness) which I won't post all over my nonexistant website and/or show off to strangers, but also I lie sometimes? so I probably would end up posting all over my nonexistant site, as soon as it exists, and showing the picturres off to strangers, just so I could say "Hey. Look at this, stranger - some guy in Detroit or somewhere near there loves me this much." then the stranger would feel bad because no guy in Detroit or somewhere near there loved THEM that much. Then again that could backfire if the stranger had a picture of their own, but I'm willing to take that chance.... if you are.


And also Opeo you are now my friend because that site is really awesome, thankyou very much.

And also Hyper Dingo I disagree with your moral, because if the goats had been content with their lives, those poor trolls could have starved to death! You are a bad person! But that's ok, because your name makes me think of a dingo on crack, which sounds like it would be really funny.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

I'm flabbergasted at how to react to this person. I'm just... you freak me out. And at the same time, you make me laugh.

As for the story, I'm generally disinterested in 'moral stories,' though I can't say exactly why. It was kind of entertaining, if not detached and all over the place. Some people, like Smurtle (Opeo) adore it. Others, like josh, apparently, don't like it. I'm neutral. Neutral is generally bad for writing, as I don't read things I'm not at least vaguely interested in. But you've done well.

[DarkwingChuck]

Re: A story which puts all yous' stories to shame.

"Delightfully irreverant" ~ New York Times

"The feel good story of the year" ~ Chicago Sun

"I laughed, then I cried, then I did that thing where you laugh and cry at the same time but I choked a little, I would've laughed some more after that but my popcorn was getting cold." ~ Roger Ebert