my annual review

[Kire]

Had my annual review. Mostly positive, happy times...especially after a negative one from last year.

Communication Needs Improvement
Team Player Meets Requirements
Creativity Meets Requirements
Quality of Work Meets Requirements
Personal Pride Meets Requirements
Time Management Meets Requirements
Adaptability Exceptional
Problem Solving Meets Requirements
Attitude Meets Requirements
Ability to Learn Exceptional
Games Knowledge Exceptional
Timeliness Needs Improvement
Work Ethic Meets Requirements
Basic Animation Principles Meets Requirements
3D Character Animation Meets Requirements
Strength of Poses Exceptional
Real Time Cinema Implementation Exceptional
3D Studio Max Knowledge Exceptional
Game Engine Understanding Meets Requirements
Brand/Style Emulation Exceptional
Follows Through Implementation Meets Requirements
Train/Mentor Meets Requirements
Seeking/Accepting of Critique Exceptional

8 positives, 2 negatives, I'll take that...but the biggest point of the review is that they're really happy w/ what I do, but I just have to stop keeping to myself, ask more questions, try not to keep all my problems to myself. One of the criticisms is that I am visibly very uncomfortable talking to my coworkers.

I think I can muscle through and force myself to become more of a leader, but to seem natural in doing so? ****. It even got to the point where my director asked me during the review not to be afraid to be more open and not be afraid. I've read that social anxiety is classified as being afraid that you'll **** up when talking to your peers, letting something slip, emberrassing yourself, etc. No, I don't want to go on meds.

I **** you not, I almost came out to my art director then and there. He said it might not be so hard and might not be so uncomfortable if I didn't keep my personal life to myself and tried being more open. I almost said, "I'm gay, I don't want to ruin the work environment, I don't want to change the way my coworkers interact with me and ruin the attitude and flow of the company. Did I mention my parents are scared ****less of me being openly gay and my grandmother finding out? Would you suggest I just get it out there so I don't have to worry about it or would it just make things worse?" Something along those lines.

I post this work review because it's a fair critique not only on my performance at work, but also of my life. Could I be better? Hell yes. One of my biggest negatives is that people don't know if I'm doing well or badly because I internalize like a mother****er, just like I haven't been personal on the internets in quite a long time for various reasons. Asking more questions and being more open about my progress are easy steps, but being comfortable w/ it and sharing work concerns w/ other people? ****. You might as well ask me to grow ****ing wings.

...and the REAL ***** of it is that I know this is all pushing me towards being a leader. Here's a little secret: I am NOT a natural leader, but will do so if I deem it necessary. Do I actually want to be an art lead? The idea kind of terrifies me...I'm just barely able to give critiques to my fellow workers...I'm much more comfortable nodding in the background, knowing that I'm a better animator and can fix it myself in the polishing phase down the line. Is that the right path? No, and I know it. I just need to grow a pair and criticize when necessary.

The other glaring factor in all of this is that I don't know if I'm happy where I currently am. There are no short term solutions, just a question to keep in the back of my noggin when it comes to realistic options. Part of the problem with my work ethic is I want to both make something I feel is worthy of my output and also something that is greatly influenced by my hand, that my influence is distinguishable and isn't easily replaced. I've worked for a company that made great things, yet my input felt easily replaceable, something most other animators could do (going through the motions, wrangling mocap for instance). On the other hand, I currently work for a company that I definitely have influence in, yet I have a sinking feeling that the final product will not be well recieved...and I've been in this biz long enough and played enough games to have a general idea when I should and shouldn't be wary. I've yet to be in a situation (workwise) that I feel will be great when finished and has been influenced by my creativity.

I seriously hope I can accomplish both of these w/out moving to a new company, and I have a job to do, so that's what keeps me going...not to mention obligations to fulfill (condo, debt, etc.). My father said to me that it took him 30 years in the work force to find that kind of job...which he found since he was being let go by his old company. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but who's to say?

Anyway, this has gone on way, WAY longer than I ever intended. It exists just as much for me to sort out my own thoughts and feelings as it does for me to move forward in my development as a worker and a person. The only thing you can do is try your best, and really, that's all that can be asked of you. If you didn't make it this far, I understand, and if you did, well, I appreciate the time and effort you spent to do so. Good luck in your own endeavors, and never give up or forget the passions that drive your purpose.

[John Mora]

Re: my annual review

Honestly, sounded like you had the perfect opportunity to come out and you didn't take it.

[Kire]

Re: my annual review

It's not like I couldn't go back in there, but yeah, I guess that's not as advantagous or dramatic.

[Vonwert]

Re: my annual review

You should walk around the office naked, and ask people if you are open enough.

[Toaster]

Re: my annual review

I think you're taking this "I'm gay" thing far too seriously. Granted, not everyone is as open-minded as me but I could care less who's ****ing who--let alone if it's someone of the same sex. So long as your character is strong enough your sexual orientation shouldn't matter. Have a little more confidence in your peers, they are adults in guess what? You work in the videogame industry. Odds are most of your colleagues aren't completely normal, either!

You're letting your sexual orientation interfere with much of you life, and you're harboring it around like it's some kind of deep, dark, evil secret and that it's shameful. Granted, your parents haven't helped in this regard but that's how older generations are. Don't make a big deal about it, but it someone ever happens to ask about your love life or whatever just talk about it as if it's normal and don't make any attempts to lead them in to the fact or dance around the situation. Be upfront, and honest, and you'll command respect rather than accomidation.

[Ωbright]

Re: my annual review

Idunno...

Not being out will almost definitely cause problems at work eventually, but being out can come with a whole new set of problems.

SO MANY PROBLEMS. Perhaps a lot of these problems are ones that a lot of people wouldn't foresee. Even I didn't foresee most of the problems I faced.

And I'm glad that you got a glowing review. It's nice to have affirmation of your efforts once in a while, dammit.

And I'm sorry you're feeling in a rut. I think everyone goes through that, even people with a lot of creative control. Is it feasible to consider working on your own projects, kinda under the table, outside of work? It doesn't have to be vg related, maybe some other kind of creative project...something where you're in complete control? An animated piece? A comic, graphic novel, or children's book?

Even if nothing really ever 'becomes' of it (you never know what might happen), you'll still be flexing your creative muscle, which is important to keep doing...especially when your creativity is being overlooked and stifled.

[Kire]

Re: my annual review

I appreciate the input everybody. Yeah, I'm trying my best to start giving myself 1, 2 hours a night where I can do some of my creative side projects, even if it's something like a Hatena Flipnote, that's very important to me in the long run.

Like Ωbright said, there are pros and cons to the whole being out thing. The workforce is 95% guys, and that creates a kind of locker room environment. I've often thought "**** it" and deal w/ the consequences, but I took my finger off the trigger. I'm just gonna wait for a few months and see what happens when I'm on a new project.

[Ωbright]

Re: my annual review

Yeah! I forgot about the flipnote thing.

But yeah...more of that!