A verse I did for a recent collaboration. (Update: Rhyme edited)

[Bon]

Now, I may not be the leader of the pack
But homie, I've been dealing with real beef
And I don't mean the double stack
The cheese hasn't melted, and I don't cut corners
I'm more than meets the eye ****ing with these transformers

I always wondered why the people said "Shrug him off."
Wannabe thug with his Charmin flow, super soft
The underdog has to prove 'em wrong yet again
So tell the "brethren" that Bon can handle veterans

No matter the size, 'cause I'm equipped with the master pen
The name's irrelevant; action needs to bring you in
But once it sizzles, your spirit will be belittled
And to others, it repeats like "Malcolm in the Middle"

The women throw me kisses
And haters withdraw their disses
They need to BE washing dishes
Overconfident *****es

Something potent is missing
Now the battle's insipid
Like gravy without the biscuit
But Bon went out and did it, baby!

...Feedback, please.

[Pagerron]

Re: A verse I did for a recent collaboration.

I'm probably pretty ignorant about rap in general, but who are the "transformers"? Are they other performers who are wannabes and change their acts based on what others think?

I must say that I especially like the first part of Stanza 2

I always wondered why the people said "Shrug him off."
Wannabe thug with his Charmin flow, super soft

Cool.

[Bon]

Re: A verse I did for a recent collaboration.

I'm probably pretty ignorant about rap in general, but who are the "transformers"? Are they other performers who are wannabes and change their acts based on what others think?

I must say that I especially like the first part of Stanza 2

I always wondered why the people said "Shrug him off."
Wannabe thug with his Charmin flow, super soft

Cool.

Thanks.

I also edited the rhyme. I had a few mistakes in there.

[Perversion]

Re: A verse I did for a recent collaboration. (Update: Rhyme edited)

Wannabe thug with his Charmin flow, super soft

I'm mainly fond of Angel Soft double-ply toilet paper for its nice soft texture and for the fact that it doesn't leave residue when I wipe (I'm talking to you, Charmin). So, folks...your preference?

[Shard]

Re: A verse I did for a recent collaboration. (Update: Rhyme edited)

No matter the size, 'cause I'm equipped with the master pen
The name's irrelevant; action needs to bring you in
But once it sizzles, your spirit will be belittled
And to others, it repeats like "Malcolm in the Middle"

This stanza's noticeably weaker than the others. The Malcolm reference is dated now, and will only become more so, but y'know, artistic choices.

The cadence though... In the second line it's like you've deleted words and the line following it's like there are so many they're stumbling over each other. You've also changed tense and while I'm not quite sure what you're getting at when you say "your spirit will be belittled", it sounds like awful soft language if you're delivering a diss here. Also, the double-up of be-be is a speedbump in the flow. Just my opinion, I'll note that I've penned zero songs myself.

[Bon]

Re: A verse I did for a recent collaboration. (Update: Rhyme edited)

This stanza's noticeably weaker than the others. The Malcolm reference is dated now, and will only become more so, but y'know, artistic choices.

The cadence though... In the second line it's like you've deleted words and the line following it's like there are so many they're stumbling over each other. You've also changed tense and while I'm not quite sure what you're getting at when you say "your spirit will be belittled", it sounds like awful soft language if you're delivering a diss here. Also, the double-up of be-be is a speedbump in the flow. Just my opinion, I'll note that I've penned zero songs myself.

Very good points. I'll try and see if I can make some adjustments. Thanks again.

[Byron Pennyworth]

Re: A verse I did for a recent collaboration. (Update: Rhyme edited)

Isn't that verse seventeen lines long (a line being a four-count)?