Boy in Burlap

[Caciss]

This is a story I've been working on every once in a great while, and I believe I finally have enough material to post. It'll be a short story, not too lengthy, and so I'll just be breaking it up into three segments. With the first being the shortest. On the story, it's a gothic -- much in the vain of Edgar Allen Poe and Nathanial Hawthrone. So, yeah, enjoy.
[edit: damn formating]

Boy In Burlap
Segment One:

A haunting wind chime broke the sky -- it was then I awoke. Childish, piercing emotion greeted me as I arose from slumber. I peered at the asphalt black steering wheel in front of me, and then felt a pounding sensation at my forehead. It seemed I had passed out, and slept a great many hours with my head nestled a top the wheel. Running my hand across the slick groove upon my head -- formed from my slumber -- I looked out to the wilderness.



It was night. Rain was lightly rapping at the roof of my car, and I groaned in disapproval. The wind however, was not so gentle. It roared across the plains, and I felt the windows creak and moan from its punishing brutality. The majority of the world outside was washed gray, so utterly dull, hardly reflecting in the moonlight. I felt a strange presence of death nearby, and a shiver strutted through me. In this sea of morbid plainness, stood a house, almost lost in its surrounding for it too was gray and lost of life. From it came the only sign of existence -- a pale yellow light echoing out from an ethereal dust ridden window.



I ran my hands over my thighs, and then carried them to the door handle. I lightly nudged the car door, and the wind took over, rocketing it open. Calmly and cautiously I lifted myself from my auto abode, and then slammed the door behind me. I presume I should have at least attempted to start the car, before leaving its safety, but something inside me, called me to the home.



Making my through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions, an odd aroma began to overcome me. It smelt of garlic. Where the scent originated from, I wasn’t certain; however, I didn’t let it deter my speed. I blazed down the road, and I arrived at the gates – in what seemed like seconds. As I was lifting my arms, to open the gate, I realized I felt weak. I inspected my body – I was a ghastly gray of sorts; my hands were ashy and flaking, incredibly sensitive and dry. Feeling around my body, I discovered a large gash running it’s way across my stomach; however, it wasn’t incredibly deep. Dried up blood lined itself a ways down my belly, yet I thought nothing of it. I was substantially skinnier, my frame clearly showed my rigid skeleton to all.



Nevertheless, I wasn’t one to be pessimistic – to dwell on things I could not change. So, I withstood the blistering agony that rode itself through my arms as I pushed with all my might against the rotten steel cage in front of me. It seemed hardly any muscle was there to support me in my objective, and after another twelve unbearable minutes - I gave up.

[edit: ****ing brother, okay I think things are fine now.]

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: Boy in Burlap

I must have missed this when you originally posted it. I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner to do my crit and pointers.

As far as narrative goes, you've done a pretty good job. The sequence of events plays out nicely and his realizations come naturally about his own dead/decaying disposition. I'm not excited, but I am intrigued to discover the rest of the story.

Grammatically, there are some faults. There aren't a lot, but I will point out the few I noticed.

The wind however, was not so gentle.

If you are going to use a modifying word like 'however' in this way, it is generally supposed to be encased in between two punctuation marks: semicolon and comma, period and comma, or comma and comma. The wind, however, was not so gentle. However, the wind was not so gentle. Rain was lightly rapping at the roof of my car, and I groaned in disapproval; however, the wind was not so gentle. Just some examples.

In this sea of morbid plainness, stood a house, almost lost in its surrounding for it too was gray and lost of life.

You seem to have a way of overusing commas in this manner. If you read this sentence aloud, the brief pause between 'plainness' and 'stood' is completely unnatural and detracts from the sentence. In this sea of morbid plainness stood a house, almost lost in its surrounding for it too was gray and lost of life. I would also be wary of using the word 'lost' in such short succession of itself. In this sea of morbid plainness stood a house, almost lost in its surrounding for it too was gray and bereft of life.

Another example of this comma abuse:

I presume I should have at least attempted to start the car, before leaving its safety, but something inside me, called me to the home.

I presume I should have at least attempted to start the car before leaving its safety, but something inside me called me to the home. I would be careful about jumping from past to present tense for your verbs. 'Presume' is present tense, and the way the sentence reacts with the story based on that is telling something the narrator is thinking in hindsight. There's nothing wrong with this; in fact, lots of storytellers use this as a way of saying 'Look how dumb I was at the time.'

Your use of the dash is overdoing it. The dash is a more pronounced comma, and the more you use it, the less effective it becomes. Dashes are great for emphasizing single points within a sentence, but overuse becomes trite and ineffective.

Making my through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions, an odd aroma began to overcome me.

This sentence is flawed. First, as I'm sure you would have noticed eventually, it should be 'Making my WAY through'; word omission is no big deal. What the sentence implies is that the odd aroma is making its way through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions. You could do the sentence this way, but you'd have to change the opening line to Making ITS way through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions, so that you are exemplifying the odd aroma in your modifier instead of the character. The way I think you were trying to go with this sentence should be closer to this for accuracy: Making my way through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions, I became overwhelmed by an odd aroma. Whenever you use a modifying phrase like this, whatever is doing this action must come directly after the phrase, so that 'I' is what is actually 'making my way' rather than the disembodied and oddly sentient aroma. I hope that makes sense. I have trouble explaining this rule to people.

Feeling around my body, I discovered a large gash running it’s way across my stomach; however, it wasn’t incredibly deep.

its, not it's. Common mistake and generally not even seen until someone else points it out. If you don't know the rule (which I feel confident that you do), if you can replace the word 'it's' with 'it is' and still have a sensible sentence, then you use 'it's.' If you can't replace 'it's' with 'it is' and have a coherent sentence, then you use 'its.'

I was substantially skinnier, my frame clearly showed my rigid skeleton to all.

This is actually two complete sentences incorrectly linked by a comma. The best way to fix this is to slightly change the second sentence so that it is not a complete sentence, but a modifier for the character being skinnier. I was substantially skinnier, my frame clearly SHOWING my rigid skeleton to all. Other ways to fix this sentence: change the comma to a semicolon, or add the word 'and' behind the comma. All three are perfectly acceptable and bring similar results.

Last thing about this sentence, the character's frame is clearly showing his rigid skeleton to all. Who is 'all'? Are there people around; is he being watched? Does this refer to anyone or anything that MIGHT be watching? Some clarity here could enhance the narrative. I was substantially skinnier, my frame clearly showing my rigid skeleton to all; though, no living thing appeared to be around to view this, so it mattered little. Without the extra tidbit about nothing being around to see his bony frame, people ask questions like I did. If you don't like adding an extra line, removing the reference to 'all' would accomplish a similar feat.

I think that's everything. Wow, I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way, as I mean to be only constructively critical.

[Caciss]

Re: Boy in Burlap

If you are going to use a modifying word like 'however' in this way, it is generally supposed to be encased in between two punctuation marks: semicolon and comma, period and comma, or comma and comma. The wind, however, was not so gentle. However, the wind was not so gentle. Rain was lightly rapping at the roof of my car, and I groaned in disapproval; however, the wind was not so gentle. Just some examples.

As you've caught, my comma use is what many call "incorrect." However, I like to put commas where the narrator would take a pause. Whether unnatural, or not. Of course the final example you gave, works as well.

You seem to have a way of overusing commas in this manner. If you read this sentence aloud, the brief pause between 'plainness' and 'stood' is completely unnatural and detracts from the sentence. In this sea of morbid plainness stood a house, almost lost in its surrounding for it too was gray and lost of life. I would also be wary of using the word 'lost' in such short succession of itself. In this sea of morbid plainness stood a house, almost lost in its surrounding for it too was gray and bereft of life.

Same reasoning as above. When I read it, I pause after plainness. I must be weird.

I presume I should have at least attempted to start the car before leaving its safety, but something inside me called me to the home. I would be careful about jumping from past to present tense for your verbs. 'Presume' is present tense, and the way the sentence reacts with the story based on that is telling something the narrator is thinking in hindsight. There's nothing wrong with this; in fact, lots of storytellers use this as a way of saying 'Look how dumb I was at the time.'

My mistake.

Your use of the dash is overdoing it. The dash is a more pronounced comma, and the more you use it, the less effective it becomes. Dashes are great for emphasizing single points within a sentence, but overuse becomes trite and ineffective.

Yeah, I just recently began using the dash in my writing, and I have a little obessesion with it at this point.

This sentence is flawed. First, as I'm sure you would have noticed eventually, it should be 'Making my WAY through'; word omission is no big deal. What the sentence implies is that the odd aroma is making its way through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions. You could do the sentence this way, but you'd have to change the opening line to Making ITS way through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions, so that you are exemplifying the odd aroma in your modifier instead of the character. The way I think you were trying to go with this sentence should be closer to this for accuracy: Making my way through the harsh cruelty of the outer regions, I became overwhelmed by an odd aroma. Whenever you use a modifying phrase like this, whatever is doing this action must come directly after the phrase, so that 'I' is what is actually 'making my way' rather than the disembodied and oddly sentient aroma. I hope that makes sense. I have trouble explaining this rule to people.

Yeah, the word omission was a mistake, I think faster than I type. I think you made perfect sense with the rule. I feel more fond keeping the emphasis on the narrator.

its, not it's. Common mistake and generally not even seen until someone else points it out. If you don't know the rule (which I feel confident that you do), if you can replace the word 'it's' with 'it is' and still have a sensible sentence, then you use 'it's.' If you can't replace 'it's' with 'it is' and have a coherent sentence, then you use 'its.'

Accidental grammar error.

This is actually two complete sentences incorrectly linked by a comma. The best way to fix this is to slightly change the second sentence so that it is not a complete sentence, but a modifier for the character being skinnier. I was substantially skinnier, my frame clearly SHOWING my rigid skeleton to all. Other ways to fix this sentence: change the comma to a semicolon, or add the word 'and' behind the comma. All three are perfectly acceptable and bring similar results.

Last thing about this sentence, the character's frame is clearly showing his rigid skeleton to all. Who is 'all'? Are there people around; is he being watched? Does this refer to anyone or anything that MIGHT be watching? Some clarity here could enhance the narrative. I was substantially skinnier, my frame clearly showing my rigid skeleton to all; though, no living thing appeared to be around to view this, so it mattered little. Without the extra tidbit about nothing being around to see his bony frame, people ask questions like I did. If you don't like adding an extra line, removing the reference to 'all' would accomplish a similar feat.

After fixing the grammar error, I like the refrence to all. Though I s'pose I could change it.

I think that's everything. Wow, I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way, as I mean to be only constructively critical.

No, it's greatly appreciated. You're probably the only reason I posted this.

[RPGD]

Re: Boy in Burlap

Needs a little more cheesecake.

[Alzar]

Re: Boy in Burlap

I DONT LIKE THE WINGS

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: Boy in Burlap

It's my way of greatly encouraging writers to step out and post their work. It used to be that people never got replies for stories, or replies like the two above. It may be humorous, but it isn't helpful.

[RPGD]

Re: Boy in Burlap

Very true.

Hey, wait...

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: Boy in Burlap

:b