While writing my 600 page thesis on good game design, I realized there's a common theme that separates good characters from bad ones.
FACIAL HAIR
This topic is a tribute to the manliest of video game men and their facial hair. If more game characters featured hair on their faces, even the slightest stubble, the world would be a safer place for children.
Captain LeChuck
Back when Lucasarts knew how to make games, they created one of the most iconic villains of all time; the evil-undead-demon-zombie-ghost-pirate formerly ghost-pirate Captain LeChuck. LeChuck's beard is so epic that it in later games it turns into a beard of fire. A BEARD OF FIRE.
Old Snake and Naked Snake
When the first video of MGS4 was revealed, everyone balked at Snake's choice in facial hair but not this man. Snake's molestache is a bold statement. It says "I pat grown men down... and pinch them in the balls when I'm finished."
Of course, Old Snake's mustache pales in comparison to Naked Snake/Big Boss' full beard. I used to wonder how he managed to keep the thing so trim throughout the game until I realized there's a hidden cutscene where he takes a captured snake and shaves with it's fangs.
Chief Mendez
Chief Mendez totally stole his beard from Rasputin. It's alright, though, because Rasputin was a badass who survived poison, four shots to the chest, and being thrown into an icy river before finally drowning.
Mario
Miyamoto originally gave Mario a mustache so players could tell he had a nose. As a result, one of video game's most iconic characters sports a killer 'stache. If there's any doubt in your mind that the mustache makes the man and not the other way around, then look at Mario for your proof. If you shaved off his stache, rioters would take to the streets and the Earth would implode.
THE EARTH WOULD IMPLODE.
King of All Cosmos
This guy should get a game of his own but it would probably be so awesome that anyone who played it would spontaneously combust. I mean, look at that design. Look how perfectly symmetrical it is! The heavenly barbers that shave that thing must be gods themselves. KoAC's beard + mustache combo is so divine that it conjures rainbows and attracts the attention of benevolent animals. God damn, KoAC you rock!
Gordon Freeman
The silent crowbar wielding, Earth saving, super athletic MIT graduate sports a nerdy goatee but you can't argue it hasn't helped him in his efforts to rescue Earth from the combine. Some people think it's the suit that protects him but their wrong. True fans of the Half-Life series know that the muskrat he keeps on his face absorb the brunt of the damage.
Dr. Robotnik
Dr. Robotnik (if you say Eggman I'll kill you) may be a two-bit villain, but his ridiculously epic mustache is first class. Robotnik's stache is so freakin' wicked that ROBOT versions of it exist.
Please, share the love with their favorite video game 'staches.
FACIAL HAIR
This topic is a tribute to the manliest of video game men and their facial hair. If more game characters featured hair on their faces, even the slightest stubble, the world would be a safer place for children.
Captain LeChuck
Back when Lucasarts knew how to make games, they created one of the most iconic villains of all time; the evil-undead-demon-zombie-ghost-pirate formerly ghost-pirate Captain LeChuck. LeChuck's beard is so epic that it in later games it turns into a beard of fire. A BEARD OF FIRE.
Old Snake and Naked Snake
When the first video of MGS4 was revealed, everyone balked at Snake's choice in facial hair but not this man. Snake's molestache is a bold statement. It says "I pat grown men down... and pinch them in the balls when I'm finished."
Of course, Old Snake's mustache pales in comparison to Naked Snake/Big Boss' full beard. I used to wonder how he managed to keep the thing so trim throughout the game until I realized there's a hidden cutscene where he takes a captured snake and shaves with it's fangs.
Chief Mendez
Chief Mendez totally stole his beard from Rasputin. It's alright, though, because Rasputin was a badass who survived poison, four shots to the chest, and being thrown into an icy river before finally drowning.
Mario
Miyamoto originally gave Mario a mustache so players could tell he had a nose. As a result, one of video game's most iconic characters sports a killer 'stache. If there's any doubt in your mind that the mustache makes the man and not the other way around, then look at Mario for your proof. If you shaved off his stache, rioters would take to the streets and the Earth would implode.
THE EARTH WOULD IMPLODE.
King of All Cosmos
This guy should get a game of his own but it would probably be so awesome that anyone who played it would spontaneously combust. I mean, look at that design. Look how perfectly symmetrical it is! The heavenly barbers that shave that thing must be gods themselves. KoAC's beard + mustache combo is so divine that it conjures rainbows and attracts the attention of benevolent animals. God damn, KoAC you rock!
Gordon Freeman
The silent crowbar wielding, Earth saving, super athletic MIT graduate sports a nerdy goatee but you can't argue it hasn't helped him in his efforts to rescue Earth from the combine. Some people think it's the suit that protects him but their wrong. True fans of the Half-Life series know that the muskrat he keeps on his face absorb the brunt of the damage.
Dr. Robotnik
Dr. Robotnik (if you say Eggman I'll kill you) may be a two-bit villain, but his ridiculously epic mustache is first class. Robotnik's stache is so freakin' wicked that ROBOT versions of it exist.
Please, share the love with their favorite video game 'staches.
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