The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

[Zeek]

Corrupton has filled so many people and ceatures. So many lives lost in the war for the Onyx, a powerful energy sounce people started a fight over six years ago. It all started when a lone explorer discovered a cave in the Acrtic region. He found that this resource could change the world! But as all good things, a war started saying that who ever won would claim the resounce as thier own. The explorer that found it a year later was not even close to being human anymore! He had been corruptied, and was a monster. He is nothing but shadows now.

TEN YEARS LATER..................

The war has traveled inland, and destroyed most of the country. The Shadow Monster, known as Shadow, has lead the enemies here, to the kingdoms main gate. They keep trying to knock down the gate. "You will fall before the days out"Says Shadow, in a monster voice. As people lye in wait for the gate to fall, a knight in shinning amour appears. "Today Shadow Falls" Shounts Mello,the knight.Screams of death and dying fill the air with terror.

The Year Is 2008, and tech of the world is booming. The Threat Of Shadow disapeared thousands of years ago. Today it but a legend. Zeek is a young 13 year old who started a study of the ruins of which Shadow destroyed. "I think studing these ruins We can create here tech" Zeek said when he was asked why he wanted to start the sudy of the ruins.

"A new day means some new information at the dig site, I better get going."

Zeek traveled to the dig site, but found that it was totaly destroyed! "Wh..What could have done this?" He spotted a live person, and asked him,"Who did This?"
The Man Said" Shad...Shadow!"
"That was only a legend" Said Zeek.

"Where is the one who awake me!" Said Shadow.
Dark and shadows, Shadow was a monster of pure evil.

Shadow travels to the local middle school to find Zeek. "You are Zeek, I thought you would older, and taller."
"What do you want" Says Zeek
"YOU" Shounts Shadow. Zeek then starts to run as fast as he can, shadow not far behind. "You can't escape boy"
Zeek Stops and turns to face Shadow. "You me come get me" Shounts Zeek.
Zeek takes off runing into Shadow, but is knocked out by a dark lighting bolt. "You..You are finsided, boy!"

ONE MONTH LATER...............

"Where am I?"
Zeek looks down, and discovers he is on fire." I'm on fire, help...HELP!!"
Zeek started to get up. He walked past a person and she shounted, "Fire...FIRE, Your like a inferno!"
He Started to say. " I'm not a monster, I'm human!!!"

Zeek found him self in dark ally, but was not on fire as much anymore." I'm.....Two people now...........I'm Inferno!"
Zeek Though he could control the fire, so he tried. Only a arm was on fire, then after he tried he his body on fire.
" I.....I...I am Inferno!"

[hitogoroshi]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

I don't know what to tell you. This is bad. This is very, very, bad.

Is writing a major interest of yours, or did you kinda just vomit this out? I don't want to tear this apart for no reason, but if you legitimatly want to get better, I can tell you WHY this is so terrible.

[Big Country]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

It's a start. But it's defitinally not ready to be put infront of a large audience. (Like this topic)

[Sejon]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

"You will fall before the days out"Says Shadow, in a monster voice.

I laughed out loud when I read this.

[Wavelength]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

I think the ideas behind this are actually pretty good, particularly the setup in the first few paragraphs.

Having said that, the dialogue, pacing, and overall phrasology need a LOT of work.

It would be cool to see all of that get better and better as you post more chapters. By the end, you'll want to clean up the beginning. =)

[Zeek]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

U guys can forget reading the rest of it! *****s!

[Big Country]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

U guys can forget reading the rest of it! *****s!

We are just trying to help.

[hitogoroshi]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

Constructive criticism, or constructive analysis, is a compassionate attitude towards the person qualified for criticism. Having higher experience, gifts, respect, knowledge in specific field and being able to verbally convince at the same time, this person is intending to uplift the other person materially, morally, emotionally or spiritually. For high probability in succeeding compassionate criticism, the critic has to be in some kind of healthy personal relationship with the other one, which is normally a parent to child, friend to friend, teacher to student, spouse to spouse or any kind of recognized authority in specific field. Hence the word constructive is used so that something is created or visible outcome generated rather than the opposite. Participatory learning in pedagogy is based on these principles of constructive criticism, focusing on positive examples to be emulated over precepts to be followed.

There can be tension between friendly support and useful criticism. A critic might usefully help an individual artist to recognize what is poor or slapdash in their body of work, but the critic may appear harsh and judgmental in the process. Useful criticism is a practical part of constructive criticism.

I write a LOT better than most people my age. It's because I manned up and took the hits when I came here. Actually, I was about your age when I came to the pav.

You have to understand, I would like nothing more then to forget about reading it. I was offering to help you, as I received help as a young(er) author. If you don't want help making it better, fine, but understand it's not even us being "****s", this is really, objectively terrible. You want neutral proof of that? Stupidfilter places it in the "likely to be stupid" category (which, by the way, is one of two categories, the other being "not likely to be stupid")

If writing isn't a major interest of yours, I certainly don't care. But understand that you are a bad writer, and we are good writers, and we're offering to help you without the "compliment sandwich" bull**** you see in schools. I'm living proof that it's a very effective method.

[162]

Re: The Onyx-Chapter-Part 1

Well, I don't think you're a bad writer, Zeek. I think you're just a writer that needs to hone his skills. At the risk of sounding like a guidence councelor, we were all like that. (Hell, this one dude named Garr ripped a piece I wrote to shreads one time, along with my good mood. And yes, arguably, I think it helps being a little nicer when criticing work.)

Part of being a good writer is being able to accept criticism and learn from it. Cripes man, you should be glad you do get feedback, unlike me, which I really want. However, if you act like a jerk and throw it back in people's faces with that nice little "**** you" you gave, people won't even give your work a glance.

There are ways of being graceful with criticism, and being an asshole isn't one of them.