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Wartime with the Pavilion members.

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    Wartime with the Pavilion members.

    I've been wanting to write something like this for a while. I finally got around to write a small part of it today. I'm curious to know what you people have to say about this. Let me know what you think. I'll try and add anyone that asks.



    “Guys.” Valkysas shouted to his comrades around him.

    “What?” Gloom asked.

    “The situation isn’t good. We have been out here for almost four hours and they keep coming.” Valkysas said with a look of concern.

    “So, you figured this out all by yourself?” Jamos said in a sarcastic tone.

    “Hey, cut the guy some slack. He is doing the best he can. I don’t see you doing a better job.” Gloom said with force.

    “Save you bickering for another time.” Caciss said in sharp tone. “We don’t need this right now.”

    The group of four stood in silence for a moment. They were briefly resting in a dilapidated building that was half destroyed from a massive bombing strike. Just ten minutes ago, they were in a firefight with twelve Ucrans. The Ucrans are a species of aliens that invaded Earth thirteen months ago. It’s not known what their intent currently is, but it is rumored that they are harvesting some kind of life source that preserves their species. The government has moved most of the population in underground shelters, but there are some that still remain above ground.

    Jamos finally broke the silence. “What’s taking Navane so long?”

    Just then, Navane returned from reconnaissances.

    Facing Navane, Valk asked, “What is our situation?”

    “Not good. I can see about twenty-three Ucrans heading our way about three-fourths a mile from where we stand. If we stay, they will discover our position. And I don’t think we could take another battle, at least not with those numbers.”

    “Then we group up and move out.” Valkysas commanded.
    Last edited by Zeroth; 10-09-2008, 01:11 AM.
    Twothorp was in immense pain. The blisters did not care.

    #2
    Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

    When quotes end and are followed by "so and so said" it should be a comma, not a period.

    Generally, when someone asks a question - you don't say "so and so said"

    AND! A good trick for working on having more descriptive than telling language, is to circle every time you used "is, are, was, were" and replace them with imagery.
    Last edited by Adrian Foley; 10-09-2008, 12:38 AM.

    Sivart: I'm a MAN.

    Comment


      #3
      Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

      Got it. Thanks a lot for the advice!
      Twothorp was in immense pain. The blisters did not care.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

        You spelt my name wrong, asshole.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

          I control F'd my name and didn't get any results so I didn't read it.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

            I'm curious to know what you people have to say about this. Let me know what you think.
            Short and unoriginal. Bland and uninspired.

            You don't need dialogue like,

            “What?” Gloom said.
            And to have these characters based on Pavilion members and have them act and talk like any other rank and file joe, doesn't make naming them after a pavilion member worth anything.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

              Originally posted by Navane View Post
              Got it. Thanks a lot for the advice!
              Not a problem dude.

              You also used two forms of "moment" within two sentences. I'd probably replace the second with something like "briefly".


              Ooo, and it would pretty much make my day if you replaced Valk's "shouted" with "bellowed". He seems like a bellow-er (Except not.)

              Sivart: I'm a MAN.

              Comment


                #8
                Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                Originally posted by Caciss View Post
                You spelt my name wrong, asshole.
                I fix.
                Twothorp was in immense pain. The blisters did not care.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                  my portrayal saddens me.



                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                    Your misspelled name saddens me.
                    PSN: KingJamos

                    Add me... I'll wait.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                      Originally posted by Bigfoot View Post
                      I control F'd my name and didn't get any results so I didn't read it.
                      Ditto.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                        Save your bickering for another time.

                        We don't need this right now.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                          Originally posted by Valkysas View Post
                          my portrayal saddens me.
                          Dude, you only had three lines of dialogue. Seriously, if you have any suggestions as to how I can improve it, I'd love to hear it.

                          Originally posted by Ghost of Jamos View Post
                          Your misspelled name saddens me.
                          I didn't spell your name wrong.

                          Edit: Actually, if you have any suggestions as to how I can improve this, I'd really like to hear them. Just don't be mean about it.
                          Last edited by Zeroth; 10-09-2008, 12:52 AM.
                          Twothorp was in immense pain. The blisters did not care.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                            You spelled Valk's name wrong.
                            PSN: KingJamos

                            Add me... I'll wait.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: War time with the Pavilion members.

                              Learn how to draft narration and dialogue. Go read a book, any book, and emulate it. Then make it your own.
                              "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

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