A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

[Garr123]

I didn't know if I should make this, or even if anyone would be helped by it--but, it seems we have at least a couple people who would like to write prose so I figured I'd show a method I learned for crafting sentences to my liking.

Here are two excerpts from a story I've been working on that display it:

The land(s) there so (terrible disgusting rotten treacherous uneven?) sporadic) in its(the) making?) God may have been drunken and(or) derelict(clumsy) in(during(amid(st) its(their?) forming(crafting).

Riley appraised (the spent) (revolver) pistol) (a moment?) and then (as?) ill-tempered as a child(toddler?) kicked the sand and squailed the gun skipstone like into(at?) the water(murk(y)?). He sat (down?) sullen(ly) on the riverbank (beach?) watching (as) the man and (the) girl drift(ed) (away(off(in(to) the(mist(s) of (the) (early) morning.) morning('s) mist).

When I can't get a sentence to flow or sound how I'd like on the first go I use parenthesis to cordon off words or phrasing I might want to use. I then either sit and keep rereading and changing it until I'm satisfied, or continue writing and come back later with fresh eyes or when I'm feeling inspired.

He sat sullen on the riverbank watching the man and the girl drift into the morning's mist.

He sat down sullen on the riverbank watching the man and girl drift off into the early morning mist.

He sat sullenly on the beach watching as the man and the girl drifted away in the mists of early morning.

I've actually already finished this passage and none of these were what I chose, but I used these as an example of how the sentences turn out afterwards. I actually added an excess of words and bits into these that didn't exist originally simply for show.

As I've done this I've slowly needed to do it less and less.

I don't know if this will work for anyone else or if it's even very original, but there it is.

[Libby]

Re: A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

I found that with my own writing, less is more, but the method you have chosen seems pretty useful. I may employ it in my own writing, actually. Usually when I write, just write. If I have an issue with a sentence, and will either bold it or call attention to it, or just ignore it until I have other rewrites. I also tend to write out the story in sections, and when I finish the section, I set it down and completely re-write it again, and sometimes even rewrite it a third time, finding newer ways to write things. One example is - Original

He glanced up from the bottom of his coffee, the steam rising from it's surface distorting his vision of the pretty young waitress.

Second Rewrite (from hard copy to computer)

Glancing up from the bottom of his coffee, the steam rose up between them, and his lips curled back into a smile.

Final Rewrite (through print-out and retyping into computer)

The steam of the coffee rose up between them.

I find that if I put too much choice in my first draft, I will spend a lot of time agonizing over what to write there. I will, however, refuse to rewrite anything three times, and just get it proofread.

[Garr123]

I just want to clarify that the three examples I had weren't an evolution, simply three different possible versions.

I can pretty much tell you exactly why your sentences didn't work, but I don't want to seem a dick for no reason.

[JPS]

Re: A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

I found the first example you gave Libby sounds a LOT better then the final example, for the plain fact its a lot more detailed and has three separate well-described subjects.

Also, thats a good tip Garr, I'll use it...its far better then trying to remember.

[Garr123]

Re: A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

Well I shouldn't have said being a dick. It's just you used a word or two oddly and it made it confusing to read, the first two at least.

I'd be interested in seeing the rest of the passage.

[peachy]

Re: A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

i imagine this would leave your paper or whatever really really dirty and hard to understand. like do you just do it with words or do you have to write it all out like this whenever youre unsure, like do you just look at the wording within the sentences or does the wording make you change around the phrasing and all of that stupid stuff?

this is probably really useful during drafting and if you do long projects or whatever.

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

I would think this a workable premise for rewriting awkward phraseologies, but I don't expect I shall ever use it, to be honest. I understand the mindset involved in this, as it's a simple way to key yourself into a possible change for your sentences, but I quickly lose the thread of stream-of-consciousness drafting and mess everything up anyways; I hardly wish to retrain myself at this point, either. That can come later when I'm still a failed writer a few years from now. =(

[Garr123]

Re: A random tip I've learned for forming sentences you like.

Maybe I'm just lucky. I could probably recite back out loud a story I've written with 75% accuracy if someone requested me to. I don't really lose my train of though and even if I come back to a scene or passage I'm not done with a week later the imagery is still rather vivid in my mind.

I actually figured this was a way around forgetting specific words you might want to use. Like if something comes in the middle of the night and you're half asleep and can't be bothered invest the work in one sitting.

Also, libby it was the word "Glance". It doesn't seem plausible that someone would reckon all these details in a brief instant, and it didn't seem like it was a glance the way it was written. Also, "From the bottom" is terribly confusing.

He looked up from his coffee and the bright light of morning caused the steam to cast a halo about the waitress. She was vibrant and young, even without it the vision of an angel. He grinned at her. In the midst of his delusions he forgot that all his teeth had been knocked out in a barfight down in Sao Paulo and the woman recoiled in disgust. He collapsed onto the floor weeping and convulsing and cursing God himself for his fortunes.