Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Eve's Story, Selected Chapters

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Eve's Story, Selected Chapters

    I've been writing this in my free time, which I don't have much of. I've never wrote a book before, and I don't know where I'm going to take this, whether it will just be a short story, or if it will be a self published novel.

    The book so far is in a VERY rough draft state. There are errors, and the chapters are too short. My being a beginner shows in my writings, as I'm sure I'm breaking quite a few grammar rules, so bear with me. My plan is to just finish the book as an outline, and then rewrite things to make more sense. Detail is not one of my strong points, so I will need to go back through it and add more detail later. (Afterall, this is a very rough draft).

    I'm going to post a few chapters, just ones I think are the better ones I've written so far. Continuity isn't going to be a factor here, yet, until I get more finished. Also, I don't want to give the whole thing away (yet) but I'll probably let you guys read it when I consider it done.

    Regardless tell me what you think, but please keep in mind I'm already aware of the poor grammar, lack of detail, and how short the chapters are. Those things WILL be fixed when the outline is done.

    Yes, this is what inspired my Eve games, the title of the story is not a coincidence.

    PROLOGUE
    Prologue
    The universe has always existed. Before the dawn of humanity, or even the smallest single celled organism, the universe was always there. The transformation, which changed it from blank nothingness, to a sea of stars and planets, was most spectacular. Many argue and often debate on how the transformation occurred, and often historians will give their own accounts. These “theories”, often held as fact by some, have a large number of variations. Few, if any, can offer a true account on how life came to be, and even fewer truly understand what life actually is.

    This book chronicles the evolution of one such universe, much like our own, that had a very interesting creation and even more interesting development and transformation.

    It is believed that all life in this universe came from a single source of pure energy. It has been said that this energy source has a mind and intentions of its own. Stars were created to adorn the night sky, as if to lighten the path to heaven. Stars in this universe, much like ours, come in all shapes and sizes.

    Life followed soon after. Races of inter-planetary (CH) beings were the first living things to be created. We now know them as the “Apostles”, and they are considered inter-planetary (CH) as they are not restricted to any one realm or place. The Apostles were grey in color, somewhat green, and wore a cloak that hides most of their face. From what can be seen, it can be noted that their eyes are very big and their fingers are long.

    The Apostles’ responsibilities were to patrol the galaxies, and report to their master of any oddities. As far as whom, or what their master was, remained completely unknown. The Apostles said little. They spoke only when spoken to or if the need arisen. They did not have emotions to the extent like you and I, so they felt little need to socialize, conversing only when required to or if the situation required it.

    As the Apostles patrolled the skies, planets started to appear. Their patrols lasted hundreds of years, and new planets and stars appeared quite often, as if the universe was now forming on its own. There were planets appearing of many different shapes, sizes and colors. Most of them were rocks of ice, as Space was quite cold, however every now and then a colorful planet of gas or in extremely rare cases, water, was found. Some had rings adorning their celestial grace, while others were plain rocks. Some planets were lightened by a near-by star, while most were dark and far away from light.

    The Apostles were quick, going from realm to realm in what we know of today as “seconds”, however they were not strong. The tasks given to them were large. Some tasks required much physical strength, which the Apostles didn't have much of.

    Another group of “beings” was later created. We know of them as humans, and this is what we will call them, as the language of old is too hard to speak by beings of today. Humans were strong, they varied in size and shape, and their purpose was to be the “hands” to complete physical tasks assigned to them by the Gods. The Gods were very mighty; however they could not interact with physical things, which is exactly the purpose humans were created for.

    Unlike Apostles, humans could not transcend dimensions and realms. Since they were created to serve a physical purpose, they too were entirely created from matter, unlike Apostles. This meant that Humans had to be brought to where they were supposed to go; they could not travel the galaxies by themselves, and certainly didn't have the technology to do so.

    Human beings were massively produced from a single source of biologic cells. Their only goal in life was to complete the physical tasks that were assigned to them. Although the Gods created the heavens, it was the hands of the humans that shaped the universe during the hundreds of years that followed.

    When it comes to the sole purpose of human life being to serve, this did not upset or sadden them at all. They were created without emotions, which meant that they cannot think or feel for themselves. Humans go through their lives as they must, doing what they must, and learning what they must.

    The universe was a great place; however it lacked emotion completely in all regards. Or did it?

    CHAPTER 3
    Many years have passed since the passing of Erik. Several other humans like him were discovered, and all of them done away with much the same way.

    As the years passed, many new human encampments were constructed by the Apostles, and humans were ever plentiful. New objects in the universe appeared at a greater rate than before, due to many more hands being available to create.

    Inside one of the largest encampments, known as “South Eden”, Elohim stood with another Apostle. They stood near a window of stars, looking out of it. Outside of the encampment, there were many stars, and a nearby planet of gas, green in color. The green giant gave off most of the light in the sector, and was large enough that the ship actually revolved around it.

    “There's another recycling planned today. We've found the source of the defective DNA found in Erik and the others, we're going to destroy this problem at the source”, Elohim claimed as he held his hands folded. “The source?! What is it?!” replied the other.

    Elohim was hesitant to answer. Elohim did not much like explaining himself, much less feel that he needed to, however in this situation he needed a helping hand in the execution, and had no other choice. “Eve. She's the source of the entire defective DNA in affected humans. We are to execute her today”.

    The other Apostle paused for a few seconds, as if he was shocked at the revelation. “I don't understand, Eve was the primary source of the DNA we used to create most humans, wouldn't that mean that most humans would be defective, if that were true? We've only found a small handful of defects among thousands”. Elohim looked at his partner almost as if there was fire in his eyes. “I can't say I understand much either why the defective genes aren't transferred 100% of the time. Regardless, question me again and I will recycle you along with her!” As can be guessed, nothing more was said about it.

    Eve's awakening process started in a room much further down the corridors. Eve was inside a glass tube, filled with liquid. She had tubes going into her mouth for breathing purposes, and she was completely frozen. She did not wear clothes. Neither did any other human for that matter, nor did any humans feel the need to. Only humans with active emotions felt shame, so they were the only ones whom desired to cover their bodies. If a human were to dress themselves, they were immediate suspects and liable for recycling, so most humans were best not to wear clothes, and Eve was no exception.

    Eve had been frozen in this room for over a few hundred years. She was used for breeding purposes, and she did not need to be awake in order to have cells and DNA extracted from her. For the first time in many years, the ice was starting to thaw.

    Eve stood just below 6 feet, and she had long, flowing red hair which grew passed her knees. She was frozen, in suspended animation, of cowering in fear, as if she did not want to be in the chamber that she was in. Then it happened. A loud crashing sound was heard, followed by a thud. As the ice gave way, Eve hit the ground, still unconscious.

    The door to the chamber opened quickly and loudly, Elohim and his accomplice burst into the room. It was so loud, in fact, it made Eve awaken, struggling for a moment to quickly get back on her feet. “Who are you, and why are you here?!” she cried. The only answer Eve received was met with force as she was struck back to the ground that she struggled so hard to come up from, she blacked out again, and was carried out of the room by her feet.

    Just then, an alarm sounded loudly. It was loud enough to awaken Eve while she was being dragged. Eve overheard Elohim saying that he was going to find out what was going on, and then saw him running off. When Elohim was gone, Eve plead for her life. “Why are you doing this? Where are you taking me?”

    “You’re going to be recycled. You are defective and no longer of use to us.” replied the Apostle. Eve's heart practically sank in her chest and she was suddenly overcome with fear. She thought hard about finding a way out of her execution, and all she could think about was survival. “Whatever it is that is wrong with me, I'm sure I can fix it. Please let me go!” she cried. The Apostle stopped for a moment, and then pointed a laser rifle at her throat. “If you mutter one more word, I will execute you right here. Unfortunately for you, I will make sure it is far more painful than the recycling chamber”.

    Eve said nothing further at the moment, still thinking hard about how she was going to escape. Escape was not all she could think about, she also felt guilt, as she knew she was a servant and meant to obey; however she didn't want to die. Eve was pulled into a room, and at that moment she knew it was the recycling chamber that the Apostle mentioned earlier.

    As soon as she was pulled into the room and the door behind her closed, Eve was desperate to escape even more. She lunged forward and bit the Apostles leg, and then the Apostle pulled out his laser rifle and shot at her. The blast missed Eve by a mere inch and destroyed part of the floor, causing dust and debris to fill the air, giving Eve the cover she needed. Eve ran behind a computer terminal, waiting for the right moment. As soon as the Apostle came close enough, he shot at her, but Eve was already expecting him to do that, and was able to dodge it. Eve grabbed his head, threw him into the recycling chamber, and threw the switch.

    Chapter 16
    Elohim stood above the unconscious Lillith and stared down at her in disgust. He wasn't even certain he wanted her to continue breathing. She was laying on her side, bruised, and convulsing. “A failed experiment” Elohim declared unintentionally out loud. With that, Lillith sat up, but was too frozen with fear to move. She realized she failed to recapture Eve and the others, and the fact that her master was standing before her made her fear for her life.

    “Don't you have anything to say to me?!” Elohim asked. His stare was cold as ice, and the anger inside him made him grow stronger, to the point that the energy inside him alone could almost pierce Lillith's body. “You had them, didn't you”?

    “Yes”, Lillith replied. “Eve was more powerful than I had anticipated”. Elohim turned his back to her, and folded his arms. He looked down toward the ground for a moment, seemingly puzzled. “I need the extra power you promised me”, Lillith said very daringly. Quickly, Elohim turned around and slapped Lillith with the back of his hand, with enough power to send her flying ten feet or so in the air. “How dare you?!” He asked. “You're going to have to earn it”.

    Lillith had blood on her face, which dripped into her mouth as she was laying on the ground, giving her the very first taste of defeat that she's ever had. Lillith started to climb up off the ground, and met Elohim's gaze with an equal one. “You asked me to assist you in the assassination of the General. I completed the mission. Your didn't tell me that there were other requirements”.

    Lillith stood up completely, although it was hard due to the extent of the abuse her body went through earlier. She struggled to remain steady, as it felt as if her head was spinning. “I call the shots, and you'll have to be able to defeat a mere human before I'll give you further power”, Elohim replied. “She's no mere human!” It was obvious that Lillith was getting angrier. “I'll just turn her emotions against her. It's obvious that she cares about the other emotionless male she was with”.

    “You're referring to Adam, whom was also missing from the encampment the same time as Eve. Of course Eve cares about him, she was programmed to. What do you intend on doing?”. A very evil grin grew on Lillith's face. “I'm going to become his new master, and I'll use him for any twisted thing I can think of. Eve will likely follow Adam to wherever I drag him to. Just give me the power to control his mind”.
    ****
    Several days had passed since the crew of the Horizon escaped planet Sarius without being seen by their enemies. Everyone on the ship was deep in a cloud of doubt and fear. The Horizon soared the galaxy, with no slowing down, trying to get as far away from the planet as they could. Most of the crew could not sleep, but Eve had to, she suffered a great deal of emotional and physical pain during the last month. She was starting to question who she was as a person, as the most recent event almost drove her to committing murder. Before she slept, she pondered if the true reason that the gods refused to let humans have emotions was for that very reason. Were humans not able to control their emotions when they escalate to a certain level? These questions tired out Eve's mind more than her conflict with Lillith, causing her to fall to sleep to regain her much needed strength.

    As usual, Eve dreamed. She dreamed very scary things. In her most recent dream, Eve was standing on a mountain on a planet she's never seen before. There were humans on this planet, millions of them. The level of technology all around her was at a larger level than she's ever seen. Buildings adorned the horizon behind a setting sun. Flying crafts were surrounding this large technological city, and the humans were firing weapons at each other, which was probably what caused the thousands of dead bodies littering the black stone pathways. Eve also witnessed a human begging for food, whom was shot dead.

    A bright moon adorned the now night sky, yet it did hardly anything to give enough light. The moon was red, almost as if it was a representation of the bloodshed that Eve was witnessing. Tears poured from her eyes, yet she couldn't do anything to assist. The fighting continued, with even bigger machines coming and firing louder weapons.

    “They've been fighting this war for almost two years”, said a female voice in the background. A tall, blonde skinny woman appeared behind Eve and startled her. “Do not be afraid, Eve, I will not harm you”. Eve took a few steps back, ready for a confrontation if one would happen. “Who are you?”, she asked.

    “Who I am is not important yet. I've used your dream to pull your consciousness into the future, thousands of years into the future, to be exact”. Eve requested her to get out of her head, and to let her go, yet the unnamed human figure declined. “You should be happy, this place where I brought you is the promised land you've been searching for, the Apostles gave up their fight against humans, and you're now free”.

    Eve took another look at the fighting. She wondered how such a hellish place could be the promised land her and her crew were searching so hard for. “Humans found a way to repopulate themselves”, the figure said. “In just a few thousand years, the population of humans have reached billions, and now most of them are at war with eachother”.

    “Why are they fighting?” Eve asked. Eve was starting to realize that this was no dream, her mind could not have possibly contrived these thoughts, there were too many things that she's never seen before or would have ever thought up by herself. The smells of death, the sounds of explosions, screams, everything was extremely real.

    “Why does anyone fight?” the figure asked. “Humans are a destructive species. It wasn't long after humans were introduced to this planet that they set up boundaries. Humans that looked or believed differently were forced to live their lives in separated places. When boundaries are crossed, or one side believes that they have a right to another parties land, war breaks out. You caused this, Eve”. Eve wouldn't have normally believed a complete stranger making such claims. Yet, there was something trusting about this figure, this strange human that appeared before Eve and brought her to this place. Eve looked at the figure, and was about to ask a question, but the figure already started answering. “The emotional chamber in your brain is active, and it spread to your children, and their children, and so forth”. The mysterious figure moved to stand beside Eve and look at the onslaught with her. “Sometimes emotions cannot be controlled, and people do things they never would have done under normal circumstances. Sometimes the death of a loved one is enough to push a human over the edge. There are too many reasons that one could be fighting that it cannot be broken down into a formula that you would understand”.

    “You led the humans here”, the figure continued. “You had no choice, really, since out in space your crew couldn't have lived forever with limited resources, and without the Apostles to govern you, there really wasn't much to contain them”.

    “So I should have gave in and let them execute me?” Eve asked. “No, Eve, the Apostles were made to govern your species, but they were never given the rights to decide who lived or who died. The Apostles were a good species, however the ones chasing your crew are the evil ones. It's too late to go back to them, too. You've already sealed your fate, yet the future you see now is not written in stone”.

    Eve was now certain this was not a dream. Everything she was being told made sense to her. Humans need guidance, and aren't capable of living without it. Without guidance, humans would do whatever they wanted. Eve also realized that the goal of any living thing was to survive, and a species such as humans that had the instinct to survive, would surely clash on a matter of possession at some point.

    “Who am I, and what is my purpose”? Eve asked. She was thankful that so many pieces of the puzzle were coming together, yet at the same time, this experience just caused more questions than answers, as was usual. “You'll have to figure that out on your own. Keep in your mind these events, and think about what it means to you. Humans are naturally destructive, their emotions were meant to be kept in check for a reason. You and your crew need to survive, however is that survival worth all of the pain and bloodshed you will ultimately lead everyone into?” With that, the figure vanished, and Eve awakened from her strange slumber in her quarters on the Horizon. She was mostly healed from her battle with Lillith, yet struggled to come to terms with her vision. She decided not to tell anyone about it, since she needed to be sure herself that what she experienced was real, although she knew deep down inside that it was.

    Eve then left the confines of her private room, and decided to take in the scenery outside of the star windows. She barely had five minutes of sightseeing when William ran to her, very panicky. “Eve, I need your help”, he said. “Three people died suddenly and we don't know why”.
    AIM: JeremyLaCroix
    Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/jeremylacroix
    Website: http://www.ITNewsToday.com
    Pokemon Platinum: 3567-1701-0101

    #2
    wow gold4

    wow gold! WII - Buy World Of Warcraft Euro(World of Warcraft Gold, WOW Powerleveling,FFXI GIL, EQ1 ...- [ ??????? BETA ]World of Warcraft Gold, SWG credit, Guild Wars Gold! ... powerleveling; ...wow gold wow gold! WII - Lotr Online GoldEdit this page (last edited Februari 16, 200) Front Page | Recent Changes | Title Index | User Preferences | Random Page ...wow gold - 1 wow gold! WII - World Of Fantasy Wow(World of Warcraft Gold, WOW Powerleveling,FFXI GIL, EQ1 ...- [ ??????? BETA ]World of Warcraft Gold, SWG credit, Guild Wars Gold! ... WOW US Professions Pl ...www.[url=http://brogame.com/wii/ow.asp?p=World_Of_Fantasy_Wow&a=diff]wow gold[/url] - 2 wow gold! WII - Buy Wow Honor(World of Warcraft Gold, WOW Powerleveling,FFXI GIL, EQ1 ...- [ ??????? BETA ]powerleveling; World of Warcraft - EU ?? World of Warcraft - US ?? WOW US PVP ...wow gold - 22 wow gold! WII - Gold(World of Warcraft Gold, WOW Powerleveling,FFXI GIL, EQ1 ...- [ ??????? BETA ]World of Warcraft Gold, SWG credit, Guild Wars Gold! ...wow gold - 201

    Comment


      #3
      Re: wow gold4

      I'm disinclined to continue reading at this level, or in such disorganized manner. I'd prefer to have it in sequential order, and there are some things you can do to improve the overall draft while doing the first steps of writing.

      1. Periods and commas need to be enclosed within your dialogue quotations. Unless you have some very specific reason for this (AKA you know the rule and chose to do things differently), it's very very wrong.

      2. Most people, when they do dialogue, separate each person speaking into separate paragraphs. I like to do it this way unless someone interrupts someone else, or a person speaks almost immediately after another person, with but a space for a breath between, to simulate the amount of time that's passed. But even then it's a stylistic decision. I'm just saying you should probably stick with separate paragraphs for dialogue, as it becomes easier to juggle conversation when each new person speaking is their own paragraph.

      3. I know you said you're aware of most of the grammatical inconsistencies and stuff, and you aren't worrying overmuch about description at this point, but I become really disinterested in reading rough drafts, mostly because so many people never improve or they never finish what they started. I'm guilty of the same thing, though I've finally posted the entirety of my novel, and the CWS3, and I won't post new stories until they're completed, or at least past the rough draft stage.

      It's one thing to ask a person to read singlets of your rough draft to get a feel for how you're doing, which I don't mind as much, but I really get ticked off when I spent time looking over your partial chapters and reading your story, and then you drop the ball and never finish. No offense meant here at all. Just my personal preference (which I'm sure lots of other people share, even if no one comments on it).

      Everything feels really stilted and jerky. The prologue feels like a boring old textbook with lots of vague keywords. Not the best hook. But most people glaze over prologues anyway, as they aren't supposed to be essential to the story. The best, absolute BEST description I've ever been given of what a prologue should be, if you insist on having one, is a fast and frenzied introduction to the world, with maybe just one or two related things to the story you're telling. Think of it like a Bond movie before the opening credits. Lots of flash and dazzle, the main character is introduced, EXPLOSIONS and maybe just a hint at the story of the whole movie. Could be left out entirely for the sake of story in other words. Prologues are throwaway most of the time, sadly.

      The dialogue is extremely uninteresting and counter-intuitive to conversation. I'm just kind of picturing Jill and Chris in Resident Evil saying the lines, which lends a horrible feel to the scenes with characters talking at each other.

      The world itself is kind of neat, your own little theology and all that. It isn't translating real well into a narrative structure, though. I'd love to see you polish up these chapters here and get them "ready" as you think of publishable, so I can gauge what kind of actual advice I should be giving to help you improve your prose.

      As it stands right now, I have little faith in the story because it's unpolished and very raw. But as my attempt to get people working on their writing and talking about it seems to have become flaccid again, I welcome the renewal of interest. Just don't give up on account of anything I say. It's your novel, first and foremost. Do it how you think it works best and then let others give you opinions and guidance if you think you need it.
      "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

      Comment

      Working...
      X