The History

[Trebsay]

The History:

A decade ago war emerged between humans and dragons. Humans butchered and charred to death by the dragons. Dragons wounded and stabbed by the humans. It did a great number on the knights. Life has picked back up and anyone to survive that year of war was declared lucky. I was the age of 7 when it happened. I lost my father to the war. But there was a nameless hero. Who found the "Soul Card". Humans never thought it existed and it was just a myth. This "Soul Card" made you almost immortal. You were considered a god if you possessed it. The hero repelled and did great damage to the dragons. It was a happy time but yet sad.

Present:
Word is that nameless hero has went mad*. The presence of humans around him jabs into him like poison arrows and he won't rest until every single arrow is pulled out. Everyone is hiding trying to survive his wrath. This nameless hero was on the same platoon as my father. I can't believe what is happening. I get this feeling as if I should run, run as far away as I can. When I lay awake in bed at night, I question my sanity... "Will everything be alright?" I ponder. Then almost as if the nameless hero answered me, My brain answers "No".

Theres got to be get away from the nameless hero, there has to!


* Like insane, not angry.

________________________________

Pretty much the opening of a game I am thinking of.

[Lausen]

Re: The History

Sounds pretty good if you ask me. Just kinda reminds me of sephiroth. A former "Hero" turned mad man/killing machine. I think it will work out good if you put everything you have into it. I look forward to learning more about this idea.

[Trebsay]

Re: The History

Sounds pretty good if you ask me. Just kinda reminds me of sephiroth. A former "Hero" turned mad man/killing machine. I think it will work out good if you put everything you have into it. I look forward to learning more about this idea.

The way I've planned the story is it will go greatly in depth about how and why the nameless hero went mad. There's alot more plot elements you'll be able to see in a day or two.

More story:

The nameless hero is after the fountians of the gods. There are six of them. By killing that god, it becomes your fountian. Fountians increase your power greatly. If someone ever owns all six they have complete power over the world. Your town homes a god fountian. The nameless hero is after it. If he takes over it he can send beats out to protect it. If he get's all six, you're doomed. Your way of saving the world... Is killing the gods. You must destroy good to prevent evil. But how can a seventeen year old male kill a god?

Flaw:

Now you might stumble across this flaw... Why can't the god handle the nameless hero themselves. As when they claimed there fountians they deemed agreement not to harm the original gods. A magic barrier makes it so they can never fight. However they can fight new comers or challengers. That means if the namless hero gets two fountians he's the msot powerful god.

[Karr Lord of Chaos]

Re: The History

needs some work i am thinking. it does sound a bit cleche and really needs some wording. here ill break it down:


A decade ago war emerged between humans and dragons. Humans butchered and charred to death by the dragons. Dragons wounded and stabbed by the humans. It did a great number on the knights.

-think essay when your doing this, so the opening has to be more generic, more open. as you progress you narrow down your topic until you hit the issue(s) your game will be about.

Life has picked back up and anyone to survive that year of war was declared lucky. I was the age of 7 when it happened. I lost my father to the war. But there was a nameless hero. Who found the "Soul Card". Humans never thought it existed and it was just a myth. This "Soul Card" made you almost immortal. You were considered a god if you possessed it. The hero repelled and did great damage to the dragons. It was a happy time but yet sad.

-explain what a soul card is, is it a card like a deck of cards or a special piece of paper, give us something more the way you have it is way too vague (tell us its for immortality but let us know if its an item, status, privilege or whatever). make sure its definition comes right after its name.

Present:
Word is that nameless hero has went mad*. The presence of humans around him jabs into him like poison arrows and he won't rest until every single arrow is pulled out. Everyone is hiding trying to survive his wrath. This nameless hero was on the same platoon as my father. I can't believe what is happening. I get this feeling as if I should run, run as far away as I can. When I lay awake in bed at night, I question my sanity... "Will everything be alright?" I ponder. Then almost as if the nameless hero answered me, My brain answers "No".

-you should probably stay away from using a word you have to define at the end of your post, just put insane there and having a dual meaning word in an intro will confuse people unless the meaning is intended to be both. why would the humans make him crazy? the analogy doesnt work here either, its very out of place. dont put analogies in the opening (they are too descriptive and can be confusing), you want thesis style short, factual, and grab your read strait off. focus on what matters to bring the reader/player up to speed, thats the point of an intro, to point them in the direction your going to take the rest of the piece. also note that alot of this info can be found out during the game and it probably is better for it to happen that way.

-i can see the last few lines as a scene which should work out nicely.


but these are just suggestions.

[Trebsay]

Re: The History

needs some work i am thinking. it does sound a bit cleche and really needs some wording. here ill break it down:


A decade ago war emerged between humans and dragons. Humans butchered and charred to death by the dragons. Dragons wounded and stabbed by the humans. It did a great number on the knights.

-think essay when your doing this, so the opening has to be more generic, more open. as you progress you narrow down your topic until you hit the issue(s) your game will be about.

Life has picked back up and anyone to survive that year of war was declared lucky. I was the age of 7 when it happened. I lost my father to the war. But there was a nameless hero. Who found the "Soul Card". Humans never thought it existed and it was just a myth. This "Soul Card" made you almost immortal. You were considered a god if you possessed it. The hero repelled and did great damage to the dragons. It was a happy time but yet sad.

-explain what a soul card is, is it a card like a deck of cards or a special piece of paper, give us something more the way you have it is way too vague (tell us its for immortality but let us know if its an item, status, privilege or whatever). make sure its definition comes right after its name.

Present:
Word is that nameless hero has went mad*. The presence of humans around him jabs into him like poison arrows and he won't rest until every single arrow is pulled out. Everyone is hiding trying to survive his wrath. This nameless hero was on the same platoon as my father. I can't believe what is happening. I get this feeling as if I should run, run as far away as I can. When I lay awake in bed at night, I question my sanity... "Will everything be alright?" I ponder. Then almost as if the nameless hero answered me, My brain answers "No".

-you should probably stay away from using a word you have to define at the end of your post, just put insane there and having a dual meaning word in an intro will confuse people unless the meaning is intended to be both. why would the humans make him crazy? the analogy doesnt work here either, its very out of place. dont put analogies in the opening (they are too descriptive and can be confusing), you want thesis style short, factual, and grab your read strait off. focus on what matters to bring the reader/player up to speed, thats the point of an intro, to point them in the direction your going to take the rest of the piece. also note that alot of this info can be found out during the game and it probably is better for it to happen that way.

-i can see the last few lines as a scene which should work out nicely.


but these are just suggestions.

Some of them I can't argue. But the "Soul Card" and the why the nameless hero hates humans will be explained. Im sorry, I made it to brief.

[Duel]

Re: The History

Reminds me of Slayer's Reign.

[Karr Lord of Chaos]

Re: The History

care to explain the soul card? im curious about it.

[Trebsay]

Re: The History

care to explain the soul card? im curious about it.

There's even more history on the "Soul Card" . Some is uknown. But the "Soul Card" was created by the gods. They used it as normal humans. They made the fountians with it's magical power. They then became immortal and went from there. It was there goal to destroy the world of evil. The "Soul Card" is just a single card, the magical abilities of this card are great. Then a war between the gods broke out about who held the card. The war carried on for years. Four of the Ten gods were killed. They concluded that they hide the "Soul Card", in a magic cave. Only the essance of someone in need could acess it. The four leftover fountians where destroyed to stop a imbalance of power.

[Karr Lord of Chaos]

Re: The History

you gave alot of needless information and yet you still didnt tell me what the card is. i know its important, the gods created it, its dangerous, and it was hidden after but i still have no idea what it is. it is represented by a human such as being a soul, is it a physical item like something separate from a person, is it a mark placed upon a person, or perhaps its something entirely different?

[Trebsay]

Re: The History

you gave alot of needless information and yet you still didnt tell me what the card is. i know its important, the gods created it, its dangerous, and it was hidden after but i still have no idea what it is. it is represented by a human such as being a soul, is it a physical item like something separate from a person, is it a mark placed upon a person, or perhaps its something entirely different?

Oh... It's a card. Like a playing card.

[lil_das]

Re: The History

You know i think it was pretty obvious what it was.

I mean come on when he says that "the soul card is a single card".

...So pretty much... You kill gods to become a god and kill some baddy, It reminds me of elder scrolls III

[Dusk Raven]

Re: The History

In the quest, the hero should team up with the Dragons. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help destroy someone who killed so many of their kin.

[Trebsay]

Re: The History

In the quest, the hero should team up with the Dragons. I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help destroy someone who killed so many of their kin.

Well when the nameless hero has enough power he can spawn dragons, out of the fountians.

I know you mean the actual hero on that quote.

[Trebsay]

Re: The History

I dunno' about the whole "teenage hero must collect various
objects/slay bosses to gain power and thwart villian" thing.

It just seems cliche.

I'd like to see an RPG that has an existentialist protagonist and a smaller scope. I'm tired of kids saving the world.

That's just me, though.

Well. In medevil times 17 was considered an adult. But I still catch what you mean on how the games have young heros. There's alot more to the sotry, some of it you'll be able to know, some of it not. I'm still working on and fixing some major/minor flaws.

[Lausen]

Re: The History

I dunno' about the whole "teenage hero must collect various
objects/slay bosses to gain power and thwart villian" thing.

It just seems cliche.

I'd like to see an RPG that has an existentialist protagonist and a smaller scope. I'm tired of kids saving the world.

That's just me, though.

And what's worse is half the time the kid isn't believable at all. Vaan from ff13 is a perfect exmple. Do you really think that kid could do anything to save the world

I'm ok with the main character being a young kid, but make him through the story believable. Could he actually stop some brute guy who's near imortal? A prime example of this working is Star Ocean. Fyte isn't shown to be an amazing fighter, but he has something else that makes you think "oh... ok he is a pimp. I can see why he beat that cool guy with the katana" (For those of you who know what I'm talking about) Just make it so there is a reason he is the main character.

Just some suggestions. I'll still try it out I'm sure. I never judge a game on what is posted in the forums, but I still enjoy reading them.

Oh... and I guess because I'm right in that game character age I enjoy seeing it done well