Staffy gets inspired

[InfinityDragon]

"Teary love"

You only want the physical
Even though I want the emotional
Your toleration is cold comfort
While I endeavor to be your escourt
I love you, but you not me
Empty love; it shouldn't be
Teary love; fills me with sorrow
I wish that it wasn't so
So there is another guy
Lies, lies
Who is this guy?
Lies, lies
He is not a friend with benifits,
but you are there and there he sits
you both share love while I feel used
Don't think a little woman can't make a man abbused.

[Tex Ritter]

Re: Staffy gets inspired

It lacks subtlety and flow.

[Funk]

Re: Staffy gets inspired

It's full of spelling errors, too.

[Caciss]

Re: Staffy gets inspired

The word choices, and wording... are pretty bad.

[Smurf Taco]

Re: Staffy gets inspired

You're reaching for rhymes... "Make a man ab(b)used"? Just say that to yourself, it makes no sense. You can be abused, but someone can't make you abused... It also feels like your rhyes make the poem jump. It started as a one sided relationship, but turned into a love triangle.

My advice, take one of the two subjects (or any other subject) and just write a paragraph about how it feels, simply describe it. Take that paragraph, and cut it up into a series of sentences that flows when it's said: Give it rhythm. Finally, if you must, take your newly made poem, and force it to rhyme.