Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

[162]

Here is an intro to a story I might put on a "Ke's Tales Vol." game. I just had a sudden urge to write it.

An excert from...

Ke's Tales
The Tragic Life of An Immortal

"Alright...Wonder Woman or Buffy?" a college-aged young man with lond blond hair wrapped in a ponytail and worn old cloths asked his shorter brunette friend also clad in worn clothing. The city of Albersdale had a sunny blue sky and a gentle breeze blowing through it. The two young men were walking on a sidewalk that ran in the heart of the city.

"I dunno...Buffy." the shorter friend said.

"Okay...Lara Croft or Fred from Angel?" the taller friend asked.

"Is this what we're going to be doing all the way to the movies, Greg?" the shorter friend asked.

"Can you think of anything else to do, Malcom?" Greg asked.

"*Sigh* No."

"Fine, we can talk about something else for a while."

"Yeah, I'd like that. What should we talk about?"

"I dunno. Like what movie we're going to see?"

"I thought we were gonna see the new Harry Potter movie."

"What? Nuh-uh, no way! I will not see that." The two friends approached a huge office building with blue, reflective windows.

"It's the only thing good showing!" Malcom argued, "But we don't have to go see a movie, I suppose."

"What else is there to do?" Greg dully asked.

"We can go to the comic store, or maybe go to the pier." Malcom said. They walked near a black Porsche parked in front of a building.

"Face it, man." Greg said, "Nothing interesting happens in this city."

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a young woman fell onto the Porsche, braking the roof and shattering the windows. The two friends quickly flinched at this, their eyes widening.

"Holy crap!" Greg cried. The two friends quickly ran to the car. The young woman with long red hair was clad in a blue, short skirted and sleeved spandex outfit, fit with a red cape. Red boots adorned her feed and a red mask her face. Her chest remained still...showing that this young woman was dead.

The boys' hearts skipped a beat when they realized who it was.

"Dude...It's....It's..." Malcom stammered.

"I-I know, Mal." Greg said in a combination of solemness and shock, "I know."



Well, that's it (so far?)!

[hitogoroshi]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

Let me preface this by warning you that it's going to sound overly critical cause I can't really judge the piece as a whole (as it's so short.) So I'm judging on a sentance by sentance basis which makes it a negative focus.

Setting is key but you don't need to be so obvious about it. You can work it into the first few paragraphs rather than writing a section that screws "Look at me. I am the setting." For example, you can wait on describing Malcom till he talks.

You never do the "*sigh*" stuff in a story. Say "Malcom sighed." Trust me on this one.

Work a little bit more on voice. There's some elements of it there already, but I shouldn't have to count sentances to know who's talking. Or maybe I'm just stuuupid hur hur hur {:3

I would have given more description to the woman falling through the porsche. After all, it interupted a (purposefully, granted) extremely boring dialogue. You could have spent a paragraph on it instead of a sentance.

Overall all I can say is write more. This isn't enough to really critque.

[Tex Ritter]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

harry potter buffy angel blah blah blah

[Chad]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

More! More!



You know, there are other options besides clad. This isn't the middle ages,

The two friends quickly flinched at this, their eyes widening.

Wait, what? When you flinch you shut your eyes quickly. Maybe separate these two different actions a little more. It reads awkwardly at first.

The two friends quickly flinched. As they opened their eyes to see the body their eyes grew wide.

The two friends quickly flinched at this at first, but then their eyes widened.

I don't know, but you see what I mean?



"Dude...It's....It's..." Malcom stammered.

Ack! Ellipses are the bane of my existence! There are much better ways to describe a pause, such as stammered.



You do a decent job of describing everything. Work it into the writing though. It seems like you have descriptions separated into their own little world. You really only stop the action, describe the character, and then continue. Describe the fall! Describe the car this dead woman is probably now tangled up with! Describe the hard thud Greg makes as he clumsily mashes his feet against the worn gray pavement!

[Perversion]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

Ack! Ellipses are the bane of my existence!

Ellipses fill the entirety of my existence...well, if I'm writing a story or something, I really don't use them. However, I've come to rely FAR too heavily on them in posting and IMing. In fact, more than one person in IM has mentioned the fact that I like to use (read:overuse) them.


*shrug*

[Perversion]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

"Alright...Wonder Woman or Buffy?" a college-aged young man with lond blond hair wrapped in a ponytail and worn old cloths asked his shorter brunette friend also clad in worn clothing. The city of Albersdale had a sunny blue sky and a gentle breeze blowing through it. The two young men were walking on a sidewalk that ran in the heart of the city.

"lond" is a typo. So is "cloths." I like how you just start the conversation without any introduction. Meaning, are they talking about women they'd rather sleep with? Who's hotter? Woman with better superpowers? You don't know. In this excerpt, you never end up clarifying exactly what they are choosing, but that's okay.

"I dunno...Buffy." the shorter friend said.

"Okay...Lara Croft or Fred from Angel?" the taller friend asked.

"Is this what we're going to be doing all the way to the movies, Greg?" the shorter friend asked.

"Can you think of anything else to do, Malcom?" Greg asked.

I like how you describe the friends to give them a bit more character, but resorting to introducing their names within dialogue is a bit forced and unrealistic, especially because within two lines of dialogue, both names are introduced. In reality, two friends that know each other generally would not feel the need to address each other by first name within a casual conversation. It might be better to introduce them by name within the description paragraph.

"Alright...Wonder Woman or Buffy?" Greg, a college-aged young man with lond blond hair wrapped in a ponytail and worn old cloths,(also, use a comma here) asked his shorter brunette friend Malcolm, also clad in worn clothing.

"*Sigh* No."

I agree with Hito. Do not use *sigh*...that kind of thing is to be reserved for the internet. Say something like, "No," he sighed.

"Fine, we can talk about something else for a while."

"Yeah, I'd like that. What should we talk about?"

"I dunno. Like what movie we're going to see?"

"I thought we were gonna see the new Harry Potter movie."

"What? Nuh-uh, no way! I will not see that." The two friends approached a huge office building with blue, reflective windows.

A lot of this dialogue, while not bad, seems a bit forced, and there only to have something for the characters to be doing leading up to their discovery. Also, all the pop culture references so far (especially a reference to the "new Harry Potter," while making your writing seem fresh RIGHT NOW, will severely date it a few years from now. If you want your writing to be seen as of a certain time and place, then that's fine. But if you are going for something timeless, ditch some of the references.

"It's the only thing good showing!" Malcom argued, "But we don't have to go see a movie, I suppose."

"What else is there to do?" Greg dully asked.

"We can go to the comic store, or maybe go to the pier." Malcom said. They walked near a black Porsche parked in front of a building.

Is this the same building mentioned previously? Because when you mentioned the building with the blue windows, it seemed as if it might be meaningful, seeing as how you ended the dialogue, and went on to describe a building. But now, there is a Porche parked in front of "a" building, not "the" building. Also, you might say they approached it rather than they walked near it.

"Face it, man." Greg said, "Nothing interesting happens in this city."

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a young woman fell onto the Porsche, braking the roof and shattering the windows. The two friends quickly flinched at this, their eyes widening.

As if out of nowhere?? To the two main characters, it WAS out of nowhere. We don't know at this point if she fell out of the building, or is a superhero who suddenly lost her ability to fly. In any case, they did not see anything until she hit the car. So from their perspective, it was out of nowhere. Also, you spelled "breaking" incorrectly. And I agree with Postulate Man...when you flinch, your eyes generally squeeze shut, not widen.

"Holy crap!" Greg cried. The two friends quickly ran to the car. The young woman with long red hair was clad in a blue, short skirted and sleeved spandex outfit, fit with a red cape. Red boots adorned her feed and a red mask her face. Her chest remained still...showing that this young woman was dead.

You've used the words, "the two friends" three times throughout this short excerpt, and twice within as many paragraphs. You might think about replacing with something like "the young men" or "the comrades" or "the buddies"....I don't know....anything other than "the two friends." "Feed" is a typo. I think the word "fitted" referring to the cape is more correct than "fit." Or you could say, "replete with a cape." Also, just because her chest was not moving doesn't automatically mean she's dead.

The boys' hearts skipped a beat when they realized who it was.

"Dude...It's....It's..." Malcom stammered.

"I-I know, Mal." Greg said in a combination of solemness and shock, "I know."

You began referring to the two characters as young men, and now you are referring to them as boys....



This is not bad, but it really did not hold my interest as a reader. Though, due to it being heavily dialogue driven, it made it read more quickly, and due to its brevity, I actually read the whole thing. No offense against Big Rick Cook, but his stuff is SO LONG and so jammed with description that I've not given it a chance yet. It's hard for me (for most people, I think) to read huge chunks of text on the computer.

So I actually took the time to read this, and while I was not particularly impressed by anything you've written, I can at least tell you have a pretty good grasp on the English language, and seem to be fairly creative. I think the main sticking point to what I read is to invest more time into writing dialogue that reads like two people might be having this conversation in real life, rather than on the page (This is my major downfall in writing as well...I can write perfectly good descriptions-adjectives are easy to use-but my dialogue needs some work). Your dialogue is not really bad or unbelievable, but it's just kind of flat, and seems to be there only to give a very brief rundown of what the "two friends" are doing walking downtown when they see the incident.


Having said all of this, trust me, with what you've written, and the vibe you're going for, I couldn't do much better.



Oops...double post...sorry.

[Misty]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

Take these suggestions and criticisms to heart, 162; but in my personal opinion, you've shown us snippets of something that's going to be great. Your characters have a lot of personality. You'd do well to make this into an RPG Maker XP project because I don't think the original RPG Maker can do your stuff justice.

Then again, people have done great things with RPGMaker 1, so anything is possible.

Just my two-cents!

[Big Rick Cook]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

"Jammed with description" seems a bit over-the-top for me.

I think of excessive description as Stephen King, Dean Koontz, or even Tolkien when he gets lost describing a door. "Jammed with narrative" would be more accurate for me. I'm a minimalist when it comes to dialogue, something I struggle with eternally.

People want characters to interact in interesting and outspoken ways, and I prefer my characters to speak less and act more. I guess I'm just weird that way. *shrug* As for giant walls of text on computer screens, I've never had much of a problem with them since I got started on the Creative Writing Story. But again, I could just be weird that way.

And numbery person, I agree with most everything being said in this topic. While the grammatical goofups and the sentence structures are still strange, and you are even now having trouble describing anything in a way that doesn't just scream "insert description here", your writing has shown improvement since the last thing I critiqued. The dialogue is kind of meh but the characters actually have more than a mannequin appearance. Keep up the good work.

EDIT: Also, since everyone made a big deal about the term "flinch" I thought I'd toss in my little yellow flag. Flinch means only to draw back or recoil from something, as if in fright or surprise. It does not necessarily mean that you close your eyes when you flinch. Granted, the way it's used in the sentence does not entirely work for me, but only because flinch does not sound strong enough in connection with what has just happened. You flinch when a bird flies by unexpectedly, or someone does the fake-out punch specifically to make you flinch. But when you are walking down the street with a buddy talking about nothing in particular and a woman falls out of the sky to crash land on a Porsche, it's going to cause more than a flinching reaction.

I expect one of them to ejaculate expletives and the other to jump back and trip on a curb or something, as though his fight or flight response had gotten confused, which in a situation such as this, it certainly would have. If you aren't expecting a body to come crashing down next to you on somebody's expensive vehicle, and then exactly that happens, you don't just flinch and look on with wide eyes. Most people react violently. Maybe one of them vomits when they see the dead woman and all the macabre mess she's made. Maybe the other calls up a scene of some mangled roadkill he's seen before - and that reminds him morbidly of this new eviscerated corpse - as a way to deal with the fact that he's just watched the outcome of some woman's fall/jump/sabotage to death. Perhaps the one who vomits can't handle it and gets away from the body. The other can take charge and find out if the woman is actually dead by approaching and testing for a pulse.

There's just a thousand ways you can go, and it all boils down to "what would your characters do in this situation?" Also, if you want some new and - up to now - hidden personality trait to surface, it boils down to "what about this scene will force this character to react differently than you expected him to?" Really get inside your characters, even if they're just faceless flat and boring because they're totally unimportant to the story. If they have one role to fill at all, and they're going to be a stereotype or cliche that everyone knows, you've still got to know what this character is going to do in whatever situation you've just placed him in. Just haphazardly making people react to situations however it will suit your scene will result in very incoherent characters with varied incorrect nuances on their own behavior.

I'm ranting. Just know your characters.

[162]

Re: Intro to "Ke's Tales -'The Tragic Life of An Immortal'"

Thank you all! I really appreaciate your honesty and criticism!