Well, since Valk chickened out, I'll reveal the "True Inside Hollywood" story of the game....
The game begins with a storyteller that's over 160 keys long. Then you start the game proper outside of a town you cannot enter. You run to the edge of the map, which leads you to a teleport, and another map. Do this six more times, on maps that sometimes utilize almost all available space, but are crossed by going all the way to the east, then all the way back west, then back east....repeat this up to 6 more times on each map. Including the opening storyteller, it took me 37 minutes at running speed to get me to the end of map 7, where a tower exists. But before you can enter the tower, you hit an invisible event that takes you back to right where you started, outside of the locked town.
Oh, and almost everything in the game is called "New" something. New field 01, New town 01...even the main character is named New Char 01.
There are three dungeons on the way to the tower, on maps 3, 4, and 5. These all have four doors, but all are locked. There is even a "bonus" dungeon that requires you to go all ten floors up, back down all ten floors, ten floors into the basement, then back up all ten floors, to leave you back right where you started, with nothing else of interest in the dungeon.
So you make it back to the tower at the end of New Map 07, and are able to enter this time. There, you will fight random battles that start off at low frequency on the bottom floor, and increase in frequency as you progress. All the battles are against monster parties of four slimes with 1 hp each, and every time you do normal damage, you do about 10,000 damage. You fight with a dagger. You have no skills or spells. You get no experience from these battles. You cannot level up. The enemies do no damage to you, so it's impossible to die.
So you slog through all this, and occasionally come across treasure chests that contain treasure items that do nothing, armor you can't equip, weapons you can't wield, and items that increase stats like magic, when you can't even cast a spell. You get to the top, and find a treasure chest with an unlabeled key inside. Then you have to slog your way back down all four floors to get out of the tower.
Now comes the FUN part...you need to backtrack to the three dungeons with the locked doors on maps 3, 4, and 5, and randomly start trying doors to see which one the key opens. When you finally find it, it opens to a room with a treasure chest. Inside is another key. To another locked door. In order to progress, you need to go back and forth between maps, trying to figure out which door the key opens. You must do this 12 times total. Behind the final door is a guy (or it might be a dog....I forget) that will allow you access to the town at the beginning of the game.
So you finally make your way to the beginning, and immediately upon entering the town are confronted with a NPC named Final Boss. But before Final Boss will fight you, he requires you to talk to everyone else in town in the correct order. There are at least 9 buildings in the town that all look the same that you will need to enter and exit looking for the correct order of the townspeople. As for the townspeople themselves, they are all the same color Jester character model, and are all named Generic Jester. And there are 32 of them.
So once you talk to all of them in the correct order, Final Boss will offer to fight you. But now, your dagger has been replaced by a stick, and instead of doing 10,000 damage, you now do 2-3. Against a boss who has 200 hit points. Your only saving grace in this battle is an item you may have acquired along the way (and assuming you've not used it yet) that allows you a single attack of 5 damage. Oh, and the boss cannot hurt you either.
So once you make it through ALL of this, as a congratulatory ending, the game over screen hurls screen after screen of insults at you.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, the only music you'll hear in the game besides the default battle music is Editor Theme.
The game's ONLY saving grace is that the main character is actually relatively quick.
So that's the game in a nutshell. I hope you enjoyed this episode of "Real True Life Events That Might Have Happened At One Point In Time (Or Maybe Are Yet To Occur)."
And in case you have any remaining curiosities, F*** NO I did not playtest this!
The game begins with a storyteller that's over 160 keys long. Then you start the game proper outside of a town you cannot enter. You run to the edge of the map, which leads you to a teleport, and another map. Do this six more times, on maps that sometimes utilize almost all available space, but are crossed by going all the way to the east, then all the way back west, then back east....repeat this up to 6 more times on each map. Including the opening storyteller, it took me 37 minutes at running speed to get me to the end of map 7, where a tower exists. But before you can enter the tower, you hit an invisible event that takes you back to right where you started, outside of the locked town.
Oh, and almost everything in the game is called "New" something. New field 01, New town 01...even the main character is named New Char 01.
There are three dungeons on the way to the tower, on maps 3, 4, and 5. These all have four doors, but all are locked. There is even a "bonus" dungeon that requires you to go all ten floors up, back down all ten floors, ten floors into the basement, then back up all ten floors, to leave you back right where you started, with nothing else of interest in the dungeon.
So you make it back to the tower at the end of New Map 07, and are able to enter this time. There, you will fight random battles that start off at low frequency on the bottom floor, and increase in frequency as you progress. All the battles are against monster parties of four slimes with 1 hp each, and every time you do normal damage, you do about 10,000 damage. You fight with a dagger. You have no skills or spells. You get no experience from these battles. You cannot level up. The enemies do no damage to you, so it's impossible to die.
So you slog through all this, and occasionally come across treasure chests that contain treasure items that do nothing, armor you can't equip, weapons you can't wield, and items that increase stats like magic, when you can't even cast a spell. You get to the top, and find a treasure chest with an unlabeled key inside. Then you have to slog your way back down all four floors to get out of the tower.
Now comes the FUN part...you need to backtrack to the three dungeons with the locked doors on maps 3, 4, and 5, and randomly start trying doors to see which one the key opens. When you finally find it, it opens to a room with a treasure chest. Inside is another key. To another locked door. In order to progress, you need to go back and forth between maps, trying to figure out which door the key opens. You must do this 12 times total. Behind the final door is a guy (or it might be a dog....I forget) that will allow you access to the town at the beginning of the game.
So you finally make your way to the beginning, and immediately upon entering the town are confronted with a NPC named Final Boss. But before Final Boss will fight you, he requires you to talk to everyone else in town in the correct order. There are at least 9 buildings in the town that all look the same that you will need to enter and exit looking for the correct order of the townspeople. As for the townspeople themselves, they are all the same color Jester character model, and are all named Generic Jester. And there are 32 of them.
So once you talk to all of them in the correct order, Final Boss will offer to fight you. But now, your dagger has been replaced by a stick, and instead of doing 10,000 damage, you now do 2-3. Against a boss who has 200 hit points. Your only saving grace in this battle is an item you may have acquired along the way (and assuming you've not used it yet) that allows you a single attack of 5 damage. Oh, and the boss cannot hurt you either.
So once you make it through ALL of this, as a congratulatory ending, the game over screen hurls screen after screen of insults at you.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, the only music you'll hear in the game besides the default battle music is Editor Theme.
The game's ONLY saving grace is that the main character is actually relatively quick.
So that's the game in a nutshell. I hope you enjoyed this episode of "Real True Life Events That Might Have Happened At One Point In Time (Or Maybe Are Yet To Occur)."
And in case you have any remaining curiosities, F*** NO I did not playtest this!
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