Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Ke's Tales Short Story

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Ke's Tales Short Story

    See what happens when an egotistical professional says the wrong thing about the wrong guy at the wrong time.
    (Due to the fact that I may not be able to get to a computer for a while, I'm imputing as much as the story I have so far. Next time I get to a computer and this story's finished, I'll imput the rest of it.)

    Ke’s Tales:
    The New Punk on the Block
    “C’mon, guys!” a twelve-year-old Asian boy said as he hopped down the fence of Hesslin Tracks, an abandoned train yard in southwestern Michigan. His two other twelve-year-old cohorts descended down the sturdy wooden fence. They took a few moments to stare at the weed-ridden train tracks, the aged and/or overturned train cars, and the dark, abandoned buildings riddled with wooden boards that sealed its broken windows. The morning sun that hung overhead bathed the train yard in a light orange-red glow. Silence griped this place, save for the boys’ breathe and chains swaying in the wind.

    “So, what now?” the redheaded Caucasian boy of the group asked.

    “Whaddya mean ‘what now?’, Tate?” the Asian remarked.

    “W-Well Johnny, we’re in the train yard like we told those guys we’d be, now what are we supposed to do?” Tate said.

    “We need to do something to prove that we were actually here.” Johnny said.

    “How about we take something?” the African-American boy of this trio suggested, “Y’know, something that could only come from here?”

    “Good idea, Ben!” Tate complimented.

    “Okay, lets go with that.” Johnny said. The three boys began to walk into the deeper reaches of the train yard. Ben spied a rusty loose train spike on the ground as they walked near the tracks.

    “How about this thing?” Ben said as he picked up the spike and displayed it to their friends.

    “It’s cool, but the other guys might think we got it somewhere else.” Tate said.

    “But keep it just in case we don’t find anything else.” Johnny said.

    “I was going to anyway.” Ben said, “It’s cool.”

    “Maybe we can look in one of the cars.” Tate said.

    “Wait, I’ve got it!” Johnny proclaimed, “Maybe we can go in there!” He pointed to a large, red brick building with faded letters saying “Main Building” written on a sign suspended over the doorway.

    “Yeah!” Ben said, “Maybe the head guy’s desk still has something in it!”

    “I dunno, guys.” Tate said with speculation in his voice, “What if the floors in there are loose? They could collapse under our weight.”

    "We’ll be fine! C'mon!” Johnny assured. Ben and Johnny began to walk towards the building.

    “This is a bad idea! I know it!” Tate cried to his friends, “Guys? Guys?!” Tate let out a groan as he rushed to the side of his friends. His friends noticed him and smiled.

    “Alright, Tate’s on board!” Johnny cried.

    “Yeah, well, I still say this is a bad idea.” Tate groaned.

    These boys were currently training to be professionals at a local academy. AT this moment, however, they were taking part in a bet proposed by fellow cadets. Hesslin Tracks was considered a dangerous place by professionals, as well as people in similar lines of work. None of the cadets were informed why yet, but this served as a place of interest. Cadets would often exchange their versions of what lurked around Hesslin Tracks. One story goes that it was a meeting place for a cult, whose rites involved sacrifices and cannibalism. Another story goes that a serial killer buried the bodies of his victims at that place and that he still lives there, killing people who have the misfortune of straying into Hesslin Tracks. Yet others say that the violent ghosts of those that died working on that railroad wander around that God-forsaken place, attacking those who enter the grounds.

    “That’s all a load of crud!” Johnny said as he walked alongside his friends, “My big brother works in the archives, and he found out the real story! The reason no one comes here is because of Byron Vante!”

    “Byron who?” Ben asked.

    “Byron Vante. I’ll tell you the real story!” Johnny proclaimed. He took a deep breath and began to tell his dark tale.

    “Ol’ Byron was a con artist from the eighteen hundreds. He conned alotta people outta their life savings. His shining moment of greed was when he swindled a church outta their funds. However, his greed-ridden lifestyle was gonna catch up with him. Eventually, he was cursed by the Xantu curse of greed.”

    “The what?” Ben asked.

    “The Xantu curse of greed.” Johnny explained, “There are seven of ‘em, each based on one’ve the seven deadly sins. Y’know, lust, sloth, wrath, all that stuff. If you get cursed by one you become a demonoid and get a demonic second form. Anyway, Byron ended up pulling some strings so that the curse would make him immortal. It’s a fact that Byron set up shop here for his new business.”

    “Which is?” Tate asked.

    “You can make deals with him.” Johnny explained, “Y’know, kinda like that whole ‘making a deal with the devil’ bit. ‘Cept in this case, you don’t lose your soul if you don’t give Byron something valuable when ‘collection time’ comes. That’s how he got some criminal connections.”

    “What if you can’t pay him off?” Tate asked. Johnny turned to him with wide eyes and a smug.

    “There’ll be hell to pay.” He said before he let out a deep, creepy laugh.

    “That’s a load of bull.” Ben said, “If this Byron Vante guy was real, why hasn’t anyone locked him up yet?”

    “A bunch ‘a reasons.” Johnny answered, “But I know he’s real. My cousin even saw one of his patchwork men.”

    “Patchwork men?” Ben asked.

    “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that he has henchmen.” Johnny said, “They’re made up of pieces of corpses sewn together. Y’know, like Frankenstein.”

    “Oh yeah, you’re making this up.” Ben said.

    “Am not! We’ve studied about things like that happening in Paranormal and Supernatural History class!” Johnny said. The boys finally reached the old wood doors of the Main Building. Using some force to open the doors, the boys entered the dark building, shining a bit of light onto the vast building’s insides. Many of the furniture used by this building’s old occupants had been left behind and had collected dust and cobwebs over the years. A dozen thins beams of morning line shot through available entries in the boards nailed against the windows. The stale and dust-ridden air of the place alone almost seemed to choke the boys. The boys, being prepared as they were, pulled out yellow flashlights and turned them on, casting beams of light. The boys began to carefully walk forward, the wooden floor groaning at every step they took. The light cast from their flashlights darted around the room, revealing overturned chairs and potted plants that had long since died. The teeth of Tate began to chatter a bit from fear as Ben’s shoulders rose slightly in caution and Johnny’s hands began to shake, causing the beam cast by his flashlight to shake too.

    “I-I gotta really bad feeling about this!” Tate whispered.

    “Me too.” Ben agreed, also whispering, “And why are we whispering?”

    “I dunno. It’s just happening.” Tate said, “We should leave.”

    “Why?” Johnny asked in a regular volume.

    “’Cause this is dumb.” Tate said in a normal volume.

    “’Cause we could get into trouble.” Ben said in a similar volume.

    “’Cause you can get eaten.” the voice of a teenage girl said behind them. The trio’s faces widened in surprise and they cried out a bit. They quickly spun around to see Ke Blazer standing behind them with her arms crossed, clad in a short skirted purple dress and knee-high black boots.

    “Johnny…is that Byron?” Tate meekly asked, causing Ke to sigh and smile a bit.

    “I seriously doubt it is, Tate.” Johnny quickly responded.

    “H-Hey, aren’t you Ke Blazer from SAVIOR?” Ben asked.

    “Uh-huh.” Ke said, still keeping that smile, “And by the looks of the emblems on your backpacks, you’re professionals-in-trainin’.”

    “Yes, ma’am.” Ben said.

    “Huh, so answer this.” Ke said with a puzzled face, “Why are three trainees walkin’ around here? Doesn’t seem like a hot spot to meet girls.”

    “It’s a dare, ma’am.” Johnny explained.

    “Ah. And what do you get from this dare?” Ke asked. The boys looked sheepishly at their feet.

    “Everyone’s tater tots for a week.” Tate (ironically?) answered.

    “I see.” Ke said, “Okay, is the facility you go to far from here?”

    “N-No, ma’am. It’s the Newberry Facility.” Ben reported.

    “Now let me ask you this. Can any of you fly?” Ke asked.

    ******

    Ke flew carefully flew high through the air, Johnny riding on her back and Tate and Ben under both her arms. Johnny looked down at the ground thousands of feet bellow and began to shake.

    “A-Are you sure I won’t fall ma’am?” he shakily asked.

    “As long as you got some sorta grip on me, you’re as weightless in the air as I am.” Ke explained, “Didn’t you say you were indestructible, anyway?”

    “Y-Yeah, but I’m not too keen on the idea of falling.” Johnny responded.

    “So are you going to turn us in?” Tate asked.

    “Thankfully for you, I don’t have the heart to do that.” Ke responded, “Honestly, couldn’t you boys have been doin’ something more safer, like T.P.-in’ the head guy’s office or somethin’?”

    “Actually, there is something else we could do.” Johnny explained, “But it involves you.”

    “What?” Ke asked.

    “Well, we need a certain article of clothing from you and…Well, have you ever seen Sixteen Candles?”

    Silence gripped Ke’s tongue and her eyes widened for a second.

    “Congratulations.” she said, “You’ve given me a reason to pad lock my underwear drawer.”
    Last edited by 162; 08-14-2007, 03:51 PM.
    162, representing


    #2
    Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

    Besides some grammatical issues which I'll raise in a moment, I'm kind of interested to keep reading. There are, however, some glaring issues with your descriptive narration, particularly in how obvious it is that you go out of your way to describe the kids in the scene. This feels very awkward while reading, especially when given sterile and politically correct terms like Asian, Caucasian, and African-American. There's definitely nothing wrong with that, but you've given over the entire description to skin color in this scene, which is oh-so-definitely not politically correct, or even halfway decent as a description.


    As for the word usage, sometimes it's fine (but never terribly interesting), and other times it feels painfully redundant. Case in point:

    His two other twelve-year-old cohorts descended down the sturdy wooden fence.
    Not too much wrong with this, other than the awkward description of the young boys, but there's some wordiness here. If it read like this, it says the same thing without all the extra words:

    His two friends(or cohorts, doesn't really matter much), twelve as well, descended the sturdy wooden fence.

    The term "descended" in itself means progressing downward, and so "descended down" is utterly redundant.


    the aged and/or overturned train cars
    "And/or" phrases are especially awkward and bad when written outside of conversations. Sure it takes what would otherwise be an unruly description and shortens it, but the narrative structure doesn't really have a place for it. This is mostly preference, as I don't think it's technically wrong, but it grates me.


    “We need to do something to prove that we were actually here.” Johnny said.
    Two points of reference here, the first of which is the end punctuation to your spoken statement. I forget the actual rule here, but if you follow up a statement in quotation marks with a "he said/Johnny said" ending, instead of a period you would use a comma inside the quotation mark.

    We need to do something to prove that we were actually here," Johnny said.

    This only applies to periods. Ellipses, exclamation points, question marks all get to stay the same. It should be noted, however, that if you have a sentence that ends in one of the other punctuation marks, but you still continue the sentence with a "he said" or "said he" that it is still part of the same sentence, and so does not get capitalized.

    I'm slightly paraphrasing here, but:

    “Alright, Tate’s on board!” cried Johnny. This sentence is technically correct. If "cried" were to be capitalized, it would be splitting the sentence into two separate statements, "Cried Johnny." would not be a full sentence, and so would be considered wrong.


    save for the boys’ breathe
    Not the correct term in the sentence. "breathe" is the verb form, as in "to breathe in deeply". "Breath" is correct here. "Breathe" is a verb, and "breath" is a noun.


    The teeth of Tate
    Don't know what you were going for here, if it was just an aversion to apostrophes outside of dialogue or what, but this is the absolute weirdest line in the entire scene because of its awkwardness when said out loud. "Tate's teeth" sounds better on top of being more succinct.


    There are a lot of small errors like the last few I put in, like misspelled words (griped should be gripped) that you should be able to go through and find on your own, and several of which are probably just oversights.

    So keep on writing. Heed these simple rules that will enhance your structure and give you more time to concentrate on making those descriptions better.

    EDIT: I forgot to mention that the way in which you reveal the fictional parts of the world, ie. the powers that each person has, and the paranormal class is also way too obvious that you're pointing this out for us. In short, it feels like a video game tutorial. I am kind of worried that you mention all these powers, but don't really show any of them until Ke Blazer is floating them all along.
    Last edited by Big Rick Cook; 08-11-2007, 12:14 AM.
    "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

      Thank you for your advice! Are you a writer too? I mean, I saw that you have written a short story, but is writing a passion for you?
      I have some problems with describing the races of characters, and alway sfind myself blandly saying "He was white" or something like that. What would you suggest?

      Oh, and I hate to point this out, but in the edit section of you post, you said something along the lines of "until Ke is floating them". Maybe it's just me, but shouldn't it be something like "until Ke is floating among them"?
      Last edited by 162; 08-14-2007, 03:23 PM.
      162, representing

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

        Well, from my understanding of the girl's power, they are weightless so long as they are touching her. So even though it requires physical contact on either her or the recipients' parts, it still stands that she is the catalyst that makes them float or fly. Thus why she is floating them along.

        Plus it sounds cool.

        EDIT: Totally forgot to answer your other questions. I don't know if I would say that writing is my "passion" so much as something I incredibly enjoy doing. I have a hard time deciding which I enjoy more, though: the actual process of writing, or discussing what I've penned with people who took the time to read my work.

        Let's see... oh. Description. I'm not one to give exact advice on the descriptive process (because I have trouble with it myself), but you could easily just describe skin tone in relation to race. But you also have to consider height, body type, what sets a person apart from other people their age (like, which of the 12-year-old boys is tallest, and which has the biggest build, or who's puberty has hit early and his voice is deepening). There are a million ways to describe a person. Just think about your characters and envision them in your mind, and then describe them down to the last detail. Once it comes time to actually describe them in the story, you can pick out the most important bits, or describe them in their entirety depending on the necessary elements to the scene. You also have to consider how important each character is to the story. If these boys are less important than Ke Blazer in the long run, then you could probably do with very minimal descriptions.

        The face is also the most important and expressive part of a person's body. This more than anything else can make or break a character. Your characters are mannequins. Differentiate them more than anything from each other, and you're already well on your way.
        Last edited by Big Rick Cook; 08-15-2007, 11:12 AM.
        "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

          Very nicely written, 162!

          Based on what you've written out so far, I have no doubt at all that your game will be good. You should submit it to the Magazine as well as the Pavilion.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

            I have a wonderful example of description for you. This is part of the short story I'm working on in the Imaginari, but I just created this character who is as yet unnamed, but I went all out describing her, knowing that I can jump back later and remove what's egregious and unnecessary depending on how important I make this specific character. Don't mind the stuff that isn't exactly describing this girl, because I didn't take it out of context of the story.

            _____

            She moved forward and extended a hand over the bench, a barrier between them. The redheaded teenager took the hand in a very graceful and thin hand that nevertheless felt rough to the touch. Winn noticed that her fingernails were trim but rough and uneven, as though she was a nail-biter. In the patchy darkness details became hard to discern about this young girl, though she appeared to have a slight tan on her otherwise pale skin tone. She looked perhaps an inch or two taller than Winn with a very thick ponytail drawing back her lustrous burgundy tresses – this ponytail extended to just short of her shoulder-blades where it tapered off in uneven growth. Thick but not bushy eyebrows sat above the eyes that seemed to be overlarge hazel irises swimming in a massive amount of white, so that her eyes were deep pools of expression that easily belied her unassuming nature and naivety of youth. A hint of the baby-fat that all young people seem to have still rounded out her cheeks, though she had that drawn and thinned look that suggested a significant portion of body weight being shed in a short period of time. She had a very petite nose and thin lips that appeared almost unnaturally pink and healthy. There were many faint impressions of an acne complexion across her cheeks and chin, and some not-so-faint pimples still shone as hard little bumps on her lower cheek, but she looked none the worse for these signs of simple growing up. Her small round ears stuck out slightly and had a fair number of piercings through each. She had long arms and legs that actually appeared slightly gangly, as though the growth was new and that her body had not compensated by growing everywhere else yet. She wore a black spaghetti-strap blouse that displayed a fair amount of skin above the bust-line, showing off a curious triple-spiraled tattoo decorating her chest on the left above her cleavage line and below her well-defined clavicle. She was thin under this blouse, in bust and everywhere else, but only by virtue of the same rapid weight loss that made her face appear several years older and wiser. The pair of very average light-blue jeans she wore accented her heart-shaped pelvis nicely, and she, like everyone, was barefoot.

            Winn did not have the stomach to see if her toes were nail-bitten, too.

            _____

            If that doesn't give you a great impression of what this girl looks like, who I think I just named Kennedy, then I dunno how else to give you pointers on description of people.
            Last edited by Big Rick Cook; 08-18-2007, 11:23 AM.
            "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

              ....Wow...Dude, that was nicely written! Honey, you may or may not have what you consider a passion for writing, but you sure have a talent for it!

              I understand now. I just get so caught up in getting to the exciting parts of a story that I slack off on discription. Then again, once I would finish the story, I was going to look over it and edit it. I guess I just wanted to get the bit I had so far on it onto this site that I forgot to do it.

              Thanks anyway, both of you! It's so good to know that people take time to read my work. I also appreciate your honesty. I usually share my work with my friends and family, so I'm concerned that they would be afriad to hurt my feelings. But part of being a writer is taking critisism, good or bad.
              Last edited by 162; 08-29-2007, 06:17 PM.
              162, representing

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Ke's Tales Short Story

                Yeah, friends and family are a bane to aspiring authors. Not even my brother, who is critical as hell about a lot of things, won't criticize my writing to an effect I need because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. I tend to avoid close relationships until I'm satisfied with it, and until I've gotten an unbiased third party to give it the proper criticism it needs.
                "Mindless killing doesn't do a lot for me anymore." - Sampson

                Comment

                Working...
                X