Mora and Magus respectively reminded me of my horrible past, in which I wrote many, many ridiculous fanfics, most of which Magus co-wrote with me. Sho' nuff, I looked through some of Magus CDs and found a data CD full of everything we have EVERY written and put on the Internet at one point, and a lot of stuff NEVER BEFORE SEEN!!
Depending on how this goes - whether you actually think any of this is funny or just stupid - I may post the whole library! And if you don't mind, I'll post some of our holiday specials, too, which are arguably the best; I'm not posting them at first, because personally, seeing Christmas-themed stuff in the spring ****es me off, and I wasn't sure who else felt the same way.
Also, keep in mind that these were all written when I was in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, so the jokes are most likely old, stupid, or completely nonsensical. So...
First up is a little gem called Fright Reaction. It's a parody of Fear Effect starring the Disciplinary Committee from FFVIII. It's set predominately in the FFVIII universe, but as you will learn, I constantly crossover characters from other games, too. The Committee is sent to kidnap Ellone and hold her for ransom so that Balamb Garden can afford a PS2. But soon enough, tides turn and a demonic conspiracy is uncovered! Will Fujin and Raijin finally declare their love for eachother? How many times will Biggs and Wedge die THIS time?? Trudge through direct parodies of actual in-game puzzles and laugh at how ridiculously OLD the jokes are!
FRIGHT REACTION
Control your Fright
An FF8/Fear Effect parody fan-fic
by Sir T. Magus & Kefka Jr.
(Zell's Dorm.)
Zell: ARRRRRGH!!! (Einhander crashes.) One hit?! What the hell is that?! I'm never gonna get past the third level!
Selphie: Come on, Zell. Even Quistis beat the mid-boss!
Quistis: Shut up.
Zell: Shut yer face, freak!
Irvine: C'mon, let me try.
Zell: NO!
Irvine: Okay....then let me tr-
Zell: NO!
(Squall and Rinoa walk in.)
Rinoa: Hey, guys, Cid's callin' us for a mission.
Squall: Zell, stop playing that.
Zell: STOP YELLING AT ME GET OFF MY BACK!!!
Squall: Zell, please, really.
Zell: (Einhander crashes.) .......................YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
(The dormitory explodes.)
***
(Cid's Office.)
Xu: Cid, all the SeeD dormitories exploded.
Cid: What, again?! [Sigh] Now who am I gonna get to take this ever-so-important mission? Hmmmmm...
***
(Later, Cid's Office)
Cid: Ahem. As you all must know, the Playstation 2 came out in Japan. I have recieved 193 suggestions in the suggestion box that we import one and put it in the rec room. At $700, it won't be easy. Unfortunately, that's the Galbadian import price. Balamb's is $2499. The GARDEN, however doesn't have that much money. But I know how to get it. I'm sure you're aware that Ellone is President Loire's daughter. What we, by which I mean you, will do is kidnap Ellone and hold her for ransom for $2499. She ran away from the Presidential Palace for unknown reasons. You have to meet the contact, Hammer, at the Palace. He'll give you places to start looking for her. So, ya up for it?
Fujin: HMMM... NOT SURE.
Raijin: Tough decision, y'know?
Seifer: Hmmm...I guess so...
Cid: Seifer, you and Fujin go straight for the Presidential Palace and find Hammer. Raijin'll wait at the shopping district.
Seifer: Why? I think it'd be more convenient if he came.
Cid: Fujin, you have to take this pill that allows you to say up to 19 word's a sentence.
Fujin: NO.
Cid: (Stuffs a pill the size of a quarter down Fujin's throat.)
Raijin: Cripes, that pill's HUGE, y'know?
Fujin: [Gulp] Well, now I can say how much I hate you all.
Cid: Great! (Kicks them all into a readily running helicopter that flies away.) ......Damn. I should've made them ask for more than $2499.
***
Ellone: Esthar. A familiar place, in another time; whatever that means. Mercanaries from the west were coming to get me. Their only desire was for money...Uh...I'm gonna go to sleep.
(Esthar. Seifer and Fujin are flying in the helicopter.)
Seifer: We gotta meet Hammer at the Palace. You trust 'im?
Fujin: Hammer's, uh, reliable...
Seifer: ...No he isn't...
Fujin: ...
Seifer: ...Some consoles are so good, you can lose friends quickly. When we get the money, we are talking about this kinda console, right Fujin?
Fujin: You saw the screens. Don't worry, Seif. You won't be disappointed. (Looks out the window.) There it is, the Presidential Palace. (Lands on the helipad.)
Siefer: Shouldn't Hammer be here?
Fujin: I'll go find him. (Enters a door on the pad.)
Bodyguard: Hey! Stop! (Bonks her on the head.)
Fujin: RAGE. (Kicks him through the window.) What's this? (Plays a video on a security screen.)
(Video)
(Hammer is tied up to a bomb, with three bodyguards around him.)
Kiros: All right, Hammer. (Put's an uzi up to Hammer's head.) Who you waitin' for?
Hammer: Rico Banderas.
Kiros: A celebrity like him wouldn't waste time with you! WHO are you WAITING FOR?!
Hammer: I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout, bro! I'm hip! I'm cool!
Kiros: Ah yeah? (Knocks Hammer over the head.)
Hammer: OW, bro.
(Video ends)
Fujin: This deal was supposed to be clean, Hammer. (She goes to the next room.)
***
Kiros: (Sets the timer on the bomb.) Tick, tock, tick, tock, the mouse went up the clock... the clock struck one... uhhh... da dun dun dun... Hickery dickery DIE!
Fujin: (Enters the room.)
Kiros: What the?! Get her! (Runs off.)
Hammer: Fujin! Don't leave me! Don't let them kill me!
Bodyguards: (Run towards Fujin.) Grrr!
Fujin: (Shoots them both in the head.)
Hammer: Nice work! You got MAD SKILLZ!
Fujin: What the hell, Hammer?!
Hammer: Sorry, bro. Just take care of the explosive!
Fujin: Hmmm. If I try to take it off, it'll blow. I gotta cut the wires. This'll be tough. (Looks at the one wire and bites it in half.) There we go. Now...
Hammer: (Get's up.) Well, I was out on the helipad with a disk containin' places to start lookin' for Ellone, until that stinkin', fershluginer jerk found me.
Fujin: DISK?
Hammer: With the stinkin', fershluginer jerk.
Fujin: OKAY.
Hammer: Heh, y'know, for a second there, I thought I was dead man for sure! (A barage of bullets blow him out the window. He throws a bucket of his blood on Fujin.) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Dies.)
Fujin: EW.
Kiros: HAhahahahahahaha!!! (Runs off, moving his legs fast yet going slow.)
Fujin: RAGE. (Runs across the hall and karate kicks Kiros out the window.)
Kiros: YAA-HOOHOOHOOEY!......
Fujin: RIGHT. (Grabs the disk off the floor and goes down a ladder. When she reaches the bottom, a door behind her opens.)
Laguna: (Comes out, wearing a red shirt with yellow trim.) Hyello. I am Mr. Loire. You've done two things wrong. First, I have enough resources to find my daughter on my own. Second, you landed on the heliport in front of the bodyguards' lounge. Third--no, three, THREE THINGS! You've done three things wrong. First, I have enough resources to find my daughter on my own. Second, you landed on the heliport in front of the bodyguards' lounge. Third... (A bunch of bodyguards grab Fujin.) You should have killed me by now.
Bodyguards: (Start spitting on Fujin.)
Laguna: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Fujin: JACKASS.
***
(Back on the helipad.)
Seifer: C'mon, Fujin, hurry up... (Checks watch.) I better look for her. (Takes gunblade.)
***
Laguna: (Holding the disc.) I hear what's on this disc isn't pretty. You must tell me the code.
Fujin: NO.
Laguna: Jeez, quit yelling!
Fujin: NO.
Laguna: Give her one of those pill dealies...
Fujin: NO!
Bodyguard: (Shoves pill down Fujin's throat.)
Fujin: BASTA-- You bastards!
Laguna: Now... what is the disc's encryption code?
Fujin: Hammer played me like a bagpipe.... no, not like a bagpipe... anyway, he didn't tell me about any code.
Laguna: Very well. (Tosses her the disc.) Our business is done. (To the bodyguards.) You may shoot.
Seifer: With pleasure! (Hangs upside down on the ladder shooting all the bodyguards.)
Laguna: That's not fair!! You're supposed to use a gunblade!
Helicopter: (Shoots through the window.)
Fujin: RAGE. (Jumps through the window and shoots the pilot in the head. Gets into the pilot's chair.)
Seifer: Yeah! (Jumps into the helicopter and runs toward the ****pit.) Go! GO!! GO!!! (Fujin flies the chopper from the building.)
***
(Raijin is standing outside a hotel near the shopping district.)
Bellhop: Uh, Mr. Raijin, a package came for you.
Raijin: Jeers. (Takes a large needle the size of his leg from the package.)
(A Volkswagon beetle drives up.)
Raijin: (Gets in the back with Seifer.) 'Aye guys. ...Hmm, these Beetles are surprisingly roomy, y'know?
Seifer: Yeah, nice smell, too.
Raijin: So, where's Ellone, y'know?
(Beetle starts driving again.)
Fujin: (Driving.) Slip this in. (Hands the disc to Raijin.)
Raijin: (Forces the disc into a VCR built into the front seat of the car with the huge needle.)
Screen: Mister Sparkle! Awesome'a pahwah!
Seifer: -the hell?!
Screen(Hammer): It seems Ellone has gone to see a Madam...Scarlet? I'm
pretty sure you know who that is...Fuuuujin.
Fujin: CRAP. I never thought I'd have t' see her again.
Seifer: Who's this Madam Scarlet, Fujin?
Fujin: SUPER*****.
Raijin: Oh. Y'know?
Hammer: I'm sure you remember where to find Madam Scarlet, don't you, Fujin? And be prepared for anything. Peace out, G! (Screen goes black.)
Seifer: Where do we find Madam Scarlet?
Fujin: Scarlet runs a restaurant on the coast of the inlet of the Centra continent..
Raijin: ...
Seifer: What the hell's an inlet? [BUMP!]
Fujin: HEY.
(A TYCO car continuously bumps into their beetle.)
Seifer: It's trying to run us off the road!
(The car is forced in front of a 'BRIDGE OUT" sign.)
Fujin: AAAAAAHH.
Raijin: Oh, bloody 'ell!, y'know? (They crash into the ocean. Then they all climb onto a boat just waiting for them.)
***
(Boat.)
Fujin: (Washing dishes, singing.) WASHING DISHES. JUST WASHING. WASHING DISHES. NOTHING SPECIAL. WASHING WASHING. JUST DISHES. WASHING DISHES. GOOD TIMES.
Seifer: (Drinking hash.) [CRASH!] (Spills hash.) Oh, great! That'll never wash out!
Raijin: We hit land, y'know? (Zombies break in.)
Zombies: Grrrr!
Seifer & Raijin: AAAAAAAHHH! (Shoot the zombies until they're more dead.)
Seifer: Fujin! We need you out here!
Fujin: I got dish-pan hands!
Seifer: Put some gloves on and hurry up! (Seifer and Raijin jump out the boat to see that they hit Fisherman's Horizon.) Let's split up.
Raijin: Why, y'know?
Seifer: 'Cuz it makes too much sense to stick together!
Raijin: Oh, yeah! Y'know? (Runs off.)
Seifer: (Runs elsewhere.)
Fujin: (Wearing dish gloves.) SEIFER! RAIJIN! Where'd you leave my shuriken?
Zombie: Uggggghhhhh.
Fujin: You're not SEIFER or RAIJIN!
Zombie: AHHH -- (Head explodes.)
Fujin: WHOOPS. That screaming-suppressant IS wearing OFF AGAIN... (Washes pill down with drink of water.) THERE -- ahem, there.
Zombies: Uhhhhhh...
Fujin: Whoa! (Picks up a pair of pistols and shoots the zombies dead.) What's going on here?
Ellone: (Slaps Fujin in the back.) TAG! You're it! (Runs down the road.)
Fujin: Why I oughtta! (Runs after Ellone.)
***
Raijin: (Running away from some zombies.) Where'd these freaks come from, y'know?! (Passes a bar.) Huff... puff... huff...? (Runs back to the bar.) Heyyyy... (Walks in and sits down at the counter.) ........ (Whistles.) I guess I'll help myself, y'know? (Hops behind the bar and starts drinking cherry juice.)
Shakhan: (Walks out of the bathroom, buckling his pants.) WHOA! Who the hell're you?!
Raijin: WAAAH!! (Ducks behind the counter and takes out uzis.)
Shakhan: You're dead meat! (Trips over his pants.)
Raijin: (Jumps up on the counter and aims at Shakhan.) Who are you, y'know?
Shakhan: 'Y'know' what?
Raijin: Don't mess around with me, y'know?
Shakhan: I'm telling you, I don't know anything!
Raijin: Just tell me who you are, y'know?!
Shakhan: AHHH! Your interrogative skills are extraordinary... Fine. I am
Shakhan, from the Loire Presidential Palace. Uh, DIE! (Gets up and shoots at Raijin.)
Raijin: (Jumps at Shakhan, hovers in mid-air, and smashes his head with a folding chair.)
Zombies: Garrrr.
Raijin: Aw man, not you guys again, y'know?
***
Seifer: (Slashing down zombies.) Where did these monsters come from?! The chaos of the city's increasing! (Spots Ellone.)
Ellone: ...Jeez! It's the Feds! (Runs away.)
Seifer: Dammit! It's Ellone Loire! (Runs after her.) Huff puff huff puff... (Runs to the harbor, which is on fire.) Looks like a bomb hit... Uhhhh... (Runs through the fire, really fast.)
Ellone: Mr. Almasy, you're on fire.
Seifer: Blast, that didn't work! (Rolls around on the ground.) Hey, wait a minute... How'd you know my name?
Ellone: I know a lot about you, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: (Gets back up.) Whatever, little girl, you're coming with me.
Ellone: (Runs away.)
Seifer: ...D'oh!
***
Fujin: (Running down a road.) Where are you, Ellone?! (Passes a door.) Hmm, that looked interesting. (Runs back to the door.) Damn, locked.
Zombie: Grrrrr --
Fujin: (Blasts the zombie's head off and bites the lock off the door. Opens it.)
Old Lady: AAAHHH!!!
Fujin: (Aims gun at the old lady.) AAAHHH!!!!
Old Lady: AAAHHHH!!!!
Fujin: SHUT UP!!!
Old Lady: OOOKAYY!!!!
Fujin: (Holsters gun.) Sorry about that. What's going on in this place?
Old Lady: The girl! The girl came and the chaos of the city increased!
Fujin: (Waves arms frantically.) GIRL? Do you mean Ellone? Where is she?!
Old Lady: (Hysterical.) She made the monsters appear -- the people die!
Fujin: Ellone made the monsters...? Whatever... Just tell me where she is!
Old Lady: There's only one place for a girl like that... RIVERDALE! (Cries.)
Fujin: Ugh... Forget you. (Walks out the back door of the building into a big 'ol military complex.)
Cyborg Soldier: Intruder alert!
Cyborg Solider 2: Roger roger!
Cyborg Soldier: No, I'm Steve.
Cyborg Soldier 2: Oh. Roger!
Cyborg Soldier: Steve!
Fujin: (Shoots the soldiers to death.) Zombies? The Esthar military? What's next? (Runs near a train to investigate.)
Esthar Soldier: (Points his gun at Fujin.) Put yer hands up! Heh heh... Looks like I got ya!
Fujin: (Raises arms.) Shoot. Looks like you got me.
Soldier: Heh heh heh... Any last requests?
Fujin: Hmm... Yeah. Could you just stand there while my partner twists your head off?
Soldier: Huh... Odd request, but it sounds fair.
Raijin: (Grabs the soldiers neck and squeezes.) Hey, nothing happened, y'know?
Fujin: Moron, you have to keep on squeezing until the vertebrae cracks!
Raijin: Oh... right! Y'know? (Squeezes a few more times.)
Soldier: Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh --! [SNAP!]
Raijin: There we go. Y'know? (Drops the soldier.)
Fujin: Shut up. Let's find Ellone and get out of this deathtrap. I'm gonna go back to Fisherman's Horizon. No reason she'd be here.
Raijin: Sure there is, y'know? I'll look around here.
Fujin: Fine, stupid. (Runs off.)
Raijin: Okay... (Walks into the military base.) Uggggghhhh, this place is boring, y'know? Woah! Demons, y'know?
Demons: Ellone belongs to ussssssssssssss!!
Raijin: (Pulls uzis out of his pants and fires at them.) Exit, stage left, y'know? (Climbs a ladder.)
***
Seifer: Dammit, Ellone come back here!
Ellone: (Runs into zombies.) Whew!
Seifer: (Shoots the zombies.) All right, Ellone, come with me!
Ellone: (Runs away.)
Seifer: ...D'oh!
***
Fujin: (Jumps into the train.) Let's get this baby rolling! (Looks at a panel.) Man, I have to enter a code to start the train? (Picks up a letter.)
Please deliver the ForegeiN weapon shipments TO the boss BeFore TOmorrow evening. TO See your Eight Grand.
P.S. The Code is 4n2b422c8000, stupid.
Fujin: Right! (Enters in the code.)
Seifer: (Walks in.) Let's get this gravy train a-movin'!
(The train starts moving, hauling 55,000 gallons of giblet gravy.)
Raijin: (Gets teleported onto the roof of the train.) Neat, y'know?
Vicks & Wedge: Hey! (Shoot at Raijin and, off course, miss.)
Raijin: Hey, y'know?! (Shoots them.) There; everything's good now, y'know? (Sees that the train is heading over a cliff.) Holy crap!, y'know? (Runs in the opposite direction and jumps off just as the last car goes over the cliff.)
***
Seifer: (Climbs out of the debris.) ...Huh... That seemed like it would work. (Runs across the debris.)
Vicks & Wedge: Hey!
Seifer: Oh, can't you die right?! (Shoots them. Jumps into a military truck and tries to start it up.)
Ellone: (In the passenger seat.) So you found me.
Seifer: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (Points his gun at her.) You scared the bejeezus out of me!
Ellone: What's bejeezus?
Seifer: Are you increasing the chaos around here?
Ellone: I don't know how, but yes, I turned them into zombies.
Seifer: Well, cut it out!
Ellone: Please, Mr. Almasy. You must get me to Madam Scarlet. Once my business is done there, I will go with you.
Seifer: Hey, sweet deal! All righty then! Let's just pick up my idiots. (Starts up the car.)
***
(Madam Scarlet's Restaurant. Centra Continent.)
Seifer: (Parks from across the restuarant.) What's so special about this
place, Fujin? It looks like any other restuarant-bordello.
Fujin: No, it's much worse.
Seifer: What's worse than that?
Fujin: ...You'll see. (Gets out of the car.)
Seifer: (Eyes Raijin and imitates Fujin.) 'WE'LL SEE.'
Raijin: Heh, heh, heh, y'know.
(Everyone gets out of the car.)
Ellone: I must see Madam Scarlet.
Fujin: Wait, Ellone. We can't all just march in there. I might get recognized.
Seifer: And Raijin's too fat. Right, I'll accompany Ellone in there.
Ellone: Thank you, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: Yeah sure, I just wanna get this over with. (Pulls Ellone towards the entrance.)
Raijin: Yo, I'm not fat, y'know.
Fujin: Shut up, Raijin.
***
(Seifer and Ellone enter the restaurant.)
Waitress: Hi, how many are sitting please?
Seifer: What are ya, blind? Two! (Holds up two fingers.) Twwwwwooooooo!
Dos! Deux!
Waitress: (Rolls eyes.) Yes sir... (Walks to a table.)
Seifer: Heh, heh. Deux is French for 'ni.'
Ellone: Yeah. (They sit down.)
Seifer: (Looks at menu.) Hmm, I'll have -- (Gets knocked out by an unknown jerk.)
***
(Outside.)
Raijin: Damn, he's been gone for thirty minutes, y'know?
Fujin: Blast it. He's probably been caught. Okay, you climb up to the roof and I'll... uhh... umm... (Runs off.)
Raijin: Sounds like a good plan, y'know? (Climbs on top of the restuarant.)
***
Seifer: (Wakes up.) Wh...where am I? (Rubs the bump on his head.) Ow... (Looks around.) Great, I'm in a closet. (Tries to open the door.) Great, it's locked. I better take on the form of steam! (Tries to take on the form of steam.) Form of steam! Form of steam!
Guard: Keep it down in there!
Seifer: What am I in here for?!
Guard: I said 'shut up!'
Seifer: No you didn't!
Guard: SHUT UP!
Seifer: Ooooohhhawaawwwwww, c'mon! (Bangs on the door.)
Guard: Keep it down in there, will ya? ACHOO! ...Damn cold...
Seifer: Now, if I were me, what would I do in a situation like this. (Reaches into hair and pulls out a hairpin.) Well, it's time to break out. (Smashes hairpin against the floor.) [CRASH!!!]
Guard: What?! (Runs toward the room.)
Seifer: (Spits on the floor.) The ball's in his court, now.
Guard: (Unlocks the door and goes in.) What's going on in here? (Walks further in and slips on Seifer's spit.) Whoa! (Falls on the floor and explodes.)
Seifer: Ninmu kanryo. (Picks the guard's gun off the floor and runs out of the closet, and down the hall. Stops suddenly to see Ellone walking off with some woman and a bunch of guards.)
***
Raijin: Okay. Here I am, y'know?! (Walks up to a huge skylight in the roof.) Ah man, how am I gonna get across this? Y'know?! (Ponders.) I know! I gotta believe!
Trowa Barton: No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
Raijin: Whoa! It's Trowa Barton from Gundam Wing, y'know?!
Trowa: All you have to do is jump.
Raijin: Is it really that easy? Y'know?
Trowa: Allow me. (Jumps over the glass, spins three times midway and lands on the other side. Bows to no one in particular.)
Raijin: Sorry, you're just too obscure of a character, Trowa, y'know?
Trowa: Fine, but you'll be sorry. They always are. (Beams out.)
Super Mario: How about a'me? Mario!
Raijin: WHOA! It's, like, the mother of all videogame characters, y'know?!
Mario: Jump'a like this! (Triple jumps across the glass.) There! Well, meesa go now! (Jumps into a warp pipe.)
Raijin: Okay... There is no spoon, y'know? (Jumps across the glass and lands on the other side.) Yeah!
***
Seifer: (Enters a kitchen.) Whoa, this place is, like, so disgusting! (Vomits.)
Chef: (Hears the [SPLAT!!!] of the vomit.) Hey now!
Seifer: AHH!!! You didn't spot me!
Chef: (Points at Seifer's puddle.) Can I use some of that?
Seifer: (Vomits some more.)
Chef: Great! Thanks!
Seifer: (Holds mouth closed and runs out of the kitchen. Pukes on some guards on the way to the front door.)
Fujin: Seifer, let me in! Let me in!
Seifer: Let me out! Let me out! (Opens door.)
Fujin: (Runs in.)
Seifer: (Runs out and vomits a few more times.)
Fujin: Ugh, not here! Not here! OOOooooooohhh...
Seifer: Argh... Fujin, don't go in there! They put my lunch in their food!
Fujin: We must get Ellone back. What would we tell Cid?
Seifer: Screw Cid! We're the friggin' Disclipinary Committee, woman!
Fujin: Yet you can't handle a bunch of thugs in a restuarant?
Seifer: My God, Fujin, you're right. You're never that encouraging at GARDEN.
Fujin: MORON.
Seifer: ...Oh yeah.
Fujin: I'm going in, so don't wait up. (Loads fresh clips into guns.) See you in there.
Seifer: Oh, Fujin...
Fujin: Yes, Seifer?
Seifer: (Holds Fujin close to him and peers deep into her dark brown... eye.) May the Force be with you.
Fujin: ...You smell like hash.
***
Fujin: (Infiltrates deeper into the restaurant. She ducks into a storage room.) There's too many guards! I need a disguise of some sort... (Searches the room. She found a chef's hat, a Goomba costume, a S.T.A.R.S. uniform, and an outfit fit for a hooker. She changes into the Goomba costume.)
Creepy voice: RESIDENT... EVIL...
Fujin: CRAP. What the hell was that?!
Guard: (Walks in.) What the hell are you?
Fujin: Uhhhh.... Restaurant Health Inspector, Division 6.
Guard: Oh, okay. Carry on. (Walks out.)
Fujin: (Follows the guard out.) Okay... (Runs upstairs and ducks into another room.) Raijin!
Raijin: Ah!! A goomba!
Fujin: It's me! Fujin!
Raijin: You're a goomba, y'know?
Fujin: Ugh, where's Ellone?
Raijin: I dunno, what happened to Seifer?
Irvine: (Runs after a waitress.) Giggle giggle giggle!
Fujin: ...He's puking.
Guard: Yo, goomba! Don't you have inspecting to do?
Fujin: Blast. Gotta go, Raijin. (Runs off.)
Raijin: Poo. Well. Umm... y'know? (Walks into a room.)
TV: (Playing a Street Fighter Alpha 3 demo.)
Raijin: Whoa, Street Fighter, y'know?! (Picks up a Playstation controller.) Let's link some chains, y'know?! (Begins playing.) Whoa! I'm a badass at this game, y'know?! (Pulls off a 50 hit combo in battle.)
(Suddenly, a secret door opens in the room.)
Raijin: Yowza!!, y'know? (Goes through the secret door, into a corridor. The door closes behind him.) Aw c'mon, y'know?! How am I gonna get out now? (Walks down the hall.)
Diddy Kong: (Materializes out of the wall.) You shouldn't go any further!
Raijin: Sorry, I don't listen to no apes, y'know? (Picks up a key.) Hey, a key, y'know?
Maguila Gorrila: (Materializes out of the floor.) Don't go any fuuuuurrrrther!
Raijin: This is freakin' me out y'know? (Tries to open an elevator's door. Uses the key.) Why a key for an elevator, y'know? (Steps in the elevator.)
Dr. Zaius: (In the elevator.) You really should listen to us apes, Raijin. Before you know it, you'll evolve into one!
Raijin: Hogwash, y'know?! (Presses the only button on the elevator panel. The elevator descends, opens, and Raijin walks down another hall.) Whoa, another key, y'know? (Picks up another key and arrives at a very large door.)
Grape Ape: I wouldn't go in there.
Raijin: Shut up, y'know?! (Uses the key on the door and enters.)
Madam Scarlet: Boo!
Raijin: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!
***
Seifer: (Still outside the restaurant.) Well, I better get to work. (Loads gunblade.) Time to open up a whole case of whoopass! (Enters the restaurant.)
Guard: Hey, it's that guy again!
Guard 2: Let's break his feet!
Seifer: AIAIIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIII!!! (Slices the guards in half.)
Guard 3: (All bloody.) Jeez, did you see what he did to that guy?!
Guard 4: (Dead.)
Guard 3: EEP! (Stabbed in the chest.)
Seifer: Too hot enough for ya? Ha ha ha!
Guard 5: I don't get it.
Seifer: KAMEHAMEHA!
Guard 5: WHOOOOAAA!!! (Explodes.)
Seifer: Yes! (Runs to where he's supposed to go, into some room.)
Professor Daravon: AAASAAAAHHh!! Hurt me dont! I'll do anythin want you!
Seifer: (Whispering to himself.) So this is your secret, Fujin. (Out loud.) All right, where's Ellone?!
Daravon: Know don't! I don't a@ything know!
Guard: (Fires machine gun at Seifer.) Aaaahaahhaha!
Daravon: AAAPHHH!!!!
Seifer: Crap! I can't kill that guard without harming the dyslexic professor!
Guard: (Fires machine gun again.)
Daravon: EEPS!! (Jumps on a bed.)
Seifer: (Rolls to the side.) You know what? I 'spose it doesn't make a difference... (Blows up Daravon and the guard.)
Daravon: EEEEéEEE!!!
Seifer: (Leaves the room.)
Laguna: (Tears Seifer's coat sleeve off.) [RIP!!!]
Seifer: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! What the hell, man?!
Laguna: Aha ha ha ha ha ha haaahaahahahahahhaaa!!
Seifer: (Faints.)
Laguna: Do you know what it's liiiiike to be separated from your own flesh and bloooood?! Maybe it's about time that you know what it feels like to be separated from yoooouu... Oh, he's fainted.
***
Fujin: Hmm... (Throws vases at a door and enters it.)
Madam Scarlet: Hello, Peaches!
Fujin: No, Scarlet! Peaches is dead! You killed her!
Madam Scarlet: So, what have you been up to?
Fujin: Well, nothing mu-- Where's Ellone?!
Madam Scarlet: Oh, are you still on that?! (Transforms into a demon.)
Fujin: Oh, man! I'm screwed to the max!
Madam Scarlet: (Holding Raijin's corpse above her head.) Mwa hah ha hah hah aha ha! (Throws the corpse off a balcony.)
***
(Ground floor. Bodyguards are trying to get sluts out of the resturaunt-bordello.)
Ellone: Father, you don't understand--
Laguna: No, we have to close the deal before it's too late!
Ellone: What?!
(Raijin's corpse crashes through the ceiling. His head splits through a spike irresponsably left there. His blood splatters onto the sluts and they turn into demons. His blood splatters onto Ellone.)
Ellone: (Eyes turn black.) Aw, man, this sucks! (Big flash of light comes from her.)
***
Madam Scarlet: Well, I'm gonna go to a room where you can kill me. Bye! (Flies through the wall.)
Fujin: ****.
***
Ellone: (Steps into the freezer.) Heh, hello...? (Sees Seifer hanging on a meat hook. Goes over to him.) I'm so sorry, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: Go to hell.
Ellone: That's exactly what I need to do! If I can get there, I know this will stop!
Seifer: By Hell, you do mean that place in Nebraska, right?
Ellone: No, I mean hell.
Seifer: Gee, I imagine that'll be hard as hell....Heh heh heh. (Pukes and faints.)
Ellone: Oh, poopy.
***
Fujin: (Goes to the room where she can kill Scarlet.) Time for me to kill you! I always knew you were a ***** from hell!
Madam Scarlet: Let's go!
Fujin: No, wait. Wait... Umm, aren't you gonna say something, er, evil?
Madam Scarlet: ......?
Fujin: I know it's unusual for me to ask, but....you know...
Madam Scarlet: ....I don't-- (Explodes.) [SPLORCH!!]
Fujin: I should try that more often! (Looks in the hole left from the explosion.)
Ellone: Can you help me down?
Fujin: What is it?
Ellone: A hole to hell. A 'hell-hole' if you will.
Fujin: COOL. (They both jump into hell.)
***
(Walking on a stone slab path in hell, bodies of water on either side.)
Fujin: So, uh, why're you going to hell?
Ellone: I'm not sure how, but I believe the chaos of the city will stop
increasing if I do.
Fujin: .....RIGHT.....
Ellone: Woops! (Slips into the demonic water.)
Fujin: POOP. (Walks further into hell.)
Demon: Grrrr! (Gets shot.)
Fujin: (Picks up the paper gate key it leaves behind. Unlocks a paper gate.)
Madam Scarlet: (In chains.) Hey, Peaches!
Fujin: Scarlet?! Aren't you dead?
Madam Scarlet: Off course! I'm undead as well as evil.
Fujin: Undead? Wouldn't that mean, not dead?
Madam Scarlet: No, undead means possesing all the negative attributes of one who is dead, while attaining all of the positive attributes of one who is living.
Fujin: Yeah, but still, undead. That un means 'not'. I mean, someone like me would be undead, since I'm not dead--
Madam Scarlet: Shut yer HOLE!!
Fujin: APOLOGY.
Madam Scarlet: Anyway, I want you take this doll to my daughter in the play room.
Fujin: Daughter? You?!
Madam Scarlet: SHUT UP!! Just do it.
Fujin: Er... (Frollicks off to a trio of huts. Steps into one.) Oh, GOD!! (The room is filled with smiling stuffed animals and pink lights. Sees a little girl in the corner.) Hey, there! I think this is yours!
Little Girl: (Takes the doll.) Thank you! (The little girl is wearing a light blue dress. She has silver hair...and an eye patch.)
Fujin: What the?! You're me!
Peaches: Yes, I'm you, Peaches!
Fujin: No, I'm not Peaches anymore.
Peaches: Now normally, I'd say something short but meaningful, then challange you to an awkward puzzle to get something important, but for the sake of our authors [and readers], I'll just give you this. (Hands Fujin a stone scroll.) I'm gonna play Resident Evil.
Fujin: Uh......huh... (Runs back to Scarlet.)
Madam Scarlet: So, you like my daughter?
Fujin: You make me sick. I'm not your daughter. We're like almost the same age.
Madam Scarlet: I know, but you were always my favorite, Peaches. Here, have a BRANCH! (Hands Fujin a tree branch.)
Fujin: .....RIGHT... (Leaves the hut. Believing what she has to do is blatantly obvious, she lights the branch on fire and lights three torches. A door opens and she goes in.)
Palmer's Ghost: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!
Fujin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Palmer's Ghost: Here, this should help you out! (Gives Fujin what appears to be half of a stone tree.)
Fujin: .......THANKS... (Leaves and goes into another set of doors.)
***
Seifer: ...Forks... (Gets up off the ground.) Hmm, I thought hell would be more like LA or Newark. (Seifer walks through hell, seeing statues of the Guardians Grudiev, Moor Gault, Fengalon, Oboryuk, and Schtudark, all of them IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER!! He climbs down a vine and sees a bridge of tiles, suspended over a pit. Each tile had a symbol, on it.) Hmm... Ahh! (Pulls out his WA2 player's guide.) Hmm... Grudiev (Steps on a tile.)...Moor Gault (Hops to another tile.)...Fengalon (Hops to another.)...Oboryuk (And another.)...Schtudark. (And yet another.) Good for me! (Runs forward and grabs a Stone Sword off the wall. Demons with hockey masks and chain saws pop out of nowhere.)
Demons: PORK CHOPS!!
Seifer: Whoa! (Runs across the bridge, each tile he steps off of falls into the pit below. Scrambles up the vine and sees a statue of Lucky Dan. Holds up the stone sword to it.) O Holy Dan. Show me the way. (The statue crumbles revealing a passage. Seifer continues until he reaches an area with much water.)
Raijin: 'Ey, Seif! (The left side of his head has a big bloody hole in it. His body is tentacle-ey and demon like.)
Seifer: Raijin?!?! Oh man, you don't look so hot.
Raijin: You said you'd look out for me, y'know?
Seifer: No I didn't. I wouldn't be caught dead protecting you, unlike you.....What happened to you?
Raijin: You have no idea what they do to guys like you and me...to killers...y'know
Seifer: ....Heh. That's funny.
Raijin: Get ready for eternity. And believe me, it's gonna be horrifying, y'know? (Johnny Quest music starts playing. Raijin smacks Seifer real hard.)
Seifer: Ouch! Uh-oh! (Pulls out a Brady Games Final Fantasy VIII Official Strategy Guide with exclusive Poster inside.)...... Damn! I've got Thunder junctioned! (Reads "Note".) 'If you accidentally have Thunder or Wind magic junctioned to a character's attack, you can have that character draw magic from one enemy and use it on the other. For example, you can draw Aero from Fujin--'.....do I have Aero?
Raijin: Come on! Die, y'know?!
Seifer: (Casts Aero.) SPOON!!
Raijin: Ah, hell! (Falls into demonic water.)
Seifer: Rest easy, you stupid, stupid man. (Picks up a stone eye and places it in a near-by well.)
***
Fujin: (Arrives at the end of a corridor.)
Heidegger's Ghost: Wee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Fujin: Don't DO that!
Heidegger's Ghost: HERE!! This should help you out! (Gives Fujin the other
half of the stone tree. She puts them together.)
Fujin: Thank yee. (Runs over to a well and pulls up the bucket. Grabs the stone eye inside.) EEEEEEEEEEE. (Runs back down the corridor.) EH?
(Many robed people are marching down the corridor. Two are holding tapestries: one with a picture of Ellone and the other with a picture of Donald Pleasence. In the crowd was Ellone. After a little while, she strays from the rest. A shadowy figure creeps up behind her.)
Fujin: Watch out, Ellone! A shadowy figure! (The shadowy figure grabs Ellone and slits her throat with his gunblade.) GODDAMMIT. Why'd you do that Seifer?!
Seifer: We got her to hell and nothing happened! To end this, we had to make her DEAD!!
Ellone: But I'm not dead! (Stands up straight. The gash on her throat is slowly healing.)
Fujin: WHOA.
Laguna: (Appears holding Seifer's jacket sleeve.) There you are! Get 'em!
Fujin: GEEZ. (Runs like hell.)
Seifer: Uh-oh! (Get's overcome by demons.)
Palmer's Ghost: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!
Heidegger's Ghost: WEE hee hee hee hee hee! (They both float away.)
Fujin: HEY. You got me into this! (Runs after them until she reaches a map.) Hmm?
Map: Is it physically possible for a swallow to carry a coconut?!?!
Fujin: YES!
(The map burns away. Suddenly a bright light surrounds Fujin. When it clears, she finds herself in a room filled with prayer wheels.)
Demons: Grrr! (Get shot by Fujin.)
Fujin: HMMM. (Looks at three holes in floor. She puts the stone tree, the stone sword, and the stone eye in the holes. When she does, yet another bright light flashes. When it clears, she finds herself on a big, floating floor in something that appears to be space.)
Fujin: My GOD. It's heavenly... (Fujin sees a coffee table set up next to an arm chair. When she approaches, someone gets out of the chair and starts walking towards her.)
Hammer: Fujin, it's so good to see you!
Fujin: H...Hammer?! What are you doing here?
Hammer: Did you ever find Ellone, Fujin?
Fujin: I lost her in this place. This is so friggin' messed up, I shouldn't have brought her here.
Hammer: No, no, no, Fujin. You brought her right where I wanted you to.
Fujin: What?!
Hammer: Allow me to introduce myself. I am the President of Hell, Fujin. I am Hong... Kong... Phooey! (Transforms into a majestic evil king guy.)
Fujin: ...You're still Hammer.
Hammer: Shaddap! You must have many questions, Fujin. First, how did I do that cool transformation thing? Easy! Lights, smoke, and mirrors!
Fujin: ALWAYS.
Hammer: Next, what do Laguna, Scarlet, Ellone, and I have to do with each other? Long ago, Laguna signed a contract with Scarlet - my Earthly proxy. The contract granted him riches and power like he couldn't believe! The catch? I would own his only daughter!
Fujin: But, why?
Hammer: So we could sell quality furniture products at a low, low price, Fujin. Year after year, Fujin, people come down to Hell to be judged and then enter an eternity of pain. But we've been getting a lot of people lately, and there is nowhere for them to sit. Why? Because there's no chairs left.
Fujin: And Ellone can fix that?
Hammer: Yes, Fujin, she can! And soon she will walk the Earth and spread her furniture EVERYWHERE!! HA HA HA HA!!!! What do you expect from a guy who changes his clothes in filing cabinets? AAAAAAHHahahaha! Ellone will also bend everyone to do my bidding, as a bonus. Remember those demons in FH, Fujin?
Fujin: Off course I do.
Hammer: That was all because of Ellone! SHHHYEEEAHHHHHEhehehehhehe!!
Fujin: GASP!
Old Lady: (Hysterical.) She made the monsters appear -- the people die!
Fujin: Ellone made the monsters...? Whatever... Just tell me where she is!
Old Lady: There's only one place for a girl like that... RIVERDALE! (Cries.)
Fujin: You're sick.
Hammer: Oh, I'm nothing compared to you, Fujin. And that's just what I need, a bodyguard for Ellone! One so ruthless, emotionless, and dangerous that no one would be able to stand in her way! You'll even get a special membership card!
Fujin: You're also stupid.
Hong Kong Phooey: You entered my little trial the second my blood hit you!
Fujin: Off course... the blood!
Hammer: Heh, y'know, for a second there, I thought I was dead man for sure! (A barage of bullets blow him out the window. He throws a bucket of his blood on Fujin.) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Dies.)
Fujin: EW.
Hammer: Yes, EW indeed. Now it is time for Ellone to take her place at my side! (Claps his hands and Ellone, Laguna, and Seifer appear to his side.)
Ellone: Fujin!
Seifer: Fujin!
Fujin: Ellone! Seifer!
Laguna: Ellone! (Drags Ellone to Hong Kong Phooey.) C'mon, this ain't so bad, honey!
Hammer: You have served your master well, Mr. Loire. Here's your paycheck! (Bops Laguna on the head.)
Laguna: WHoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!! (Transforms into the Nemesis.) STARS...
Ellone: Fujin, Seifer! You have to help me!
Seifer: No way, toots! You're the cause of all this and I'm the... solution... who'll solve it!
Ellone: What?
Fujin: What are you saying, Seifer? We have to save her!
Seifer: Did you see what she did, woman?! To Fisherman's Horizon, to Raijin?!
Fujin: I believe her.
Seifer: (Pulls his gun on Fujin.)
Fujin: (At the same time, pulls her gun on Seifer.)
Seifer: Don't make me kill you, Fujin.
Fujin: RAGE.
***
(In an alternate dimension.)
Kiros: The rest is up to you, kiddies!
Ward: Who do you believe in? The choice is yours and yours alone!.....Actually, someone there can help you, I guess. I mean, there are no rules against it--
Kiros: Shut up.
***
THE FUJIN ENDING
Fujin: (Shoots Seifer.) See ya, Seif.
Ellone: (Points to a portrait of herself on the floor.) If I can work my magic on that portrait, it'll make everything all better!
Fujin: RIGHT. I'll take care of The Jerk!
Hammer: Poopy! Get 'er!
Nemesis: HBO... (Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken.)
Fujin: (Picks up the paper chickens and lights them on fire.)
Nemesis: (Bursts into flames.) Ouch. (Dies.)
Fujin: NEATO TORPEDO. (Turns to Hammer.) And now you. (Shoots him.)
Hammer: Nertz!! (Dies.)
(A bright flash appears. When it clears, Fujin and Ellone are outside Madam Scarlet's resturaunt.)
Fujin: Well, everything's back to normal!
Ellone: Is it? I mean, we did kill the President of Hell. One whole area of everyone's afterlives has no one to take care of it. Won't spirits run amuck, or uh, there'll be no justice--
Fujin: Shut up.
***
THE SEIFER ENDING
Seifer: (Shoots Fujin.) I'm sorry, Fujin. I owed you money. (Aims gun at Ellone.) You're next, babycakes.
Ellone: No, Mr. Almasy, you are the one who is next! (Transforms into True Ellone, an ugly demon.)
Seifer: HA! I KNEW IT! (Points and laughs at Fujin's lifeless body.) Tooooold ya sooooo!
True Ellone: SSSSSHHHYYYYYYEEEAAAHH!!!! (Sends winged demons after Seifer.)
Seifer: CRIPES!! (Tries to run away.)
Hammer: Not so fast! (Uses magic to form a force field around Seifer and True Ellone, making a nice little battle arena.)
Seifer: Grrrr... (Takes out gunblade.) Let's get dangerous!! (Jumps up and slices a demon in half.)
Demon: Noooo!! (Bursts into footstools.)
Seifer: (Runs at True Ellone, slicing and stabbing demons.) Diiiiiieeeee!!!
Footstool: WATCH OUT!!
Seifer: (Trips over a footstool.) YAAAHHH!!! (Falls flat on his face and drops his gunblade. It skids across the floor.)
Demons: (Surround Seifer.)
Seifer: (Gets up.) I know what you freaks're thinkin'... Uhhh... (Punches one of the demons.)
Demon: OW! (Punches Seifer back.)
Seifer: ARGH!! (Picks up a footstool and bashes the demon's face in.)
Other Demons: Hey, we can't let him do that to us!
Another Demon: Sure, we can! I'm outta here!
Some More Demons: Yipes, me too!
Seifer: (Runs, slides, hits the crocodile and takes a dive, grabs his gunblade, rolls on his shoulders, and stands up in front of Ellone.) Your days are numbered, Ellone!
True Ellone: Itssss a pity, Mr. Almasssy, that you won't consssider being my partner!
Seifer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never said that. What are the benefits?
True Ellone: Blue Cross, a dental plan, and afterlife insurance!
Seifer: Hey, that's not bad, but what abou--
True Ellone: (Punches Seifer in the gut.) DIIIIEEEEE!!! (Aims a swivel chair above Seifer.)
Seifer: OOF!
Hammer: Yeah! Whoop whoop whoop! You go, girl!
True Ellone: (Swings the swivel chair down on Seifer.)
Seifer: (Stabs True Ellone.)
True Ellone: URK!!!-- Oh yeah... forgot about that gunblade...
Hammer: NO!
True Ellone: (Transforms back to Regular Ellone.) Mr. Almasy... ugh [greltch]... thank you... (Transforms into a paper doll.)
Hammer: Ohhhh, you ruined everything! I'll keeeeeeeel you!
Seifer: (Picks up the paper doll.) In a pig's eye you will, Hong Kong Phooey! (Shoots Hammer between the eyes.)
Hammer: PHOOEY! (Dies.)
(A bright flash appears. When it clears, Seifer is outside the burning Madam Scarlet's restauraunt.)
Seifer: Huh? Who're you?
Rufus: (Looking down at a dead slut.) Pfffff... I knew this place was out of code. (Walks away.)
Seifer: (Looks down at the paper doll in his hand.) I wonder what kind of power this thingy has. Whoops! (Trips, and drops the paper doll into the
fire.) Ah well.
***
THE SECRET HAPPY ENDING
Fujin: Trust me, Seifer. May the Force be with you.
Seifer: Oh, Fujin...
Fujin: Yes, Seifer?
Seifer: (Holds Fujin close to him and peers deep into her dark brown... eye.) May the Force be with you.
Seifer: (Smiles.) You smell like hash. (Lowers his gun.)
Fujin: (Smiles, and also lowers her gun.) So do you.
Hammer: Aw, how TOUCHING!!! NOW DIE!!!
Nemesis: (Begins to load bazooka.)
Hammer: What, you've just begun to load that thing?!
Nemesis: SORRY...
Hammer: Uggh...
Ellone: (Surrounded by winged demons.) Fujin, Mr. Almasy! Help! I need somebody! Not just anybody!
Fujin: (Shoots a few demons.) DIE.
Seifer: (Shoots a few more.) Yeah!
Fujin: Ellone, what do we have to do?
Ellone: (Points to a portrait of herself on the floor.) If I can work my magic on that portrait, it'll make everything all better!
Nemesis: (Finishes loading bazooka and aims at Fujin and Seifer.)
Seifer: This don't look so good...
Fujin: RIGHT. I'll take care of The Jerk! Seifer, you make sure Ellone works her magic!
Seifer: Will do, Fujin! (Runs with Ellone to the portrait.)
Hammer: Poopy! Get 'er!
Nemesis: ENCORE... (Shoots at Fujin.)
Fujin: (Dodges the missile and fires several shots at Nemesis.) WHEW.
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: (Rolls out of the Nemesis' way and fires at it several more times. Picks up the paper chicken.) Hmm, I suppose I gotta burn this too! (Burns the paper chicken at a conveniently placed torch.)
Ellone: (Stands over her portrait.) Klatu... verata... nikto! Klatu... verata...
Seifer: ...Listen, Ellone, sorry about trying to kill ya and all..
Ellone: Think nothing of it, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: Good! Cuz I didn't mean the apology!
Demons: Hey! Get away from that portrait!
Seifer: Aw jeez!
Ellone: Protect me! I'm almost done!
Demon: (Rushes at Ellone.)
Seifer: I don't think so, pinky! (Rams into the demon and shoots it in the face.)
Demon: BAGELS!! (Explodes into bean bags.)
Seifer: (Unsheathes gunblade.) Yeah! Two weapons at once! How dude-i-cal is that?! (Slices and shoots demons.)
Demon: LATHER!! (Swipes at Seifer.)
Seifer: (Jumps to the side, stabs the demon and shoots in the head.) WIPEOUT!!
Nemesis: YAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! (Drops the bazoooka, and grows several tentacles out of its arms.)
Fujin: CRAP. (Shoots Nemesis a bunch of times.) C'mon, die!
Nemesis: (Whips Fujin across the face, tearing her eyepatch off.)
Fujin: (Falls to the floor clutching her face.) AAAHHH!!!!
Seifer: (Slaughters the last of the demons.) Fujin!!
Nemesis: Tee hee hee...
Hammer: Ha ha ha ha!!! FINISH HER.
Fujin: (Stands up and takes her hands away from her face.)
Seifer: !!!!!!!!!
Hammer: !!!!!!
Seifer: AAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! (Points at the big orange embedded in Fujin's face.)
Fujin: SHUT UP.
Seifer: I thought you lost your eye!
Fujin: QUIET. (Keeps on shooting until she's out of ammo.) CRAP.
Nemesis: Ooh! (Drops a paper chicken.)
Fujin: (Burns the paper chicken and straps another patch over her eye-orange.)
Nemesis: (Bursts into flames.)
Seifer: (Walks up behind Hammer.)
Hammer: NO! You meddling biotch! (Approaches Fujin.)
Fujin: Nuts...
Seifer: (Puts his gun up to Hammer's head.) Hey. Only I call Fujin that. (Pulls the trigger.)
[BLAM!!]
Hammer: Nertz!! (Dies.)
Seifer: Wiggy!
Fujin: Thanks, partner.
Ellone: (Finishes casting the spell.)
(A bright flash appears. When it clears, Fujin, Seifer, and Ellone are outside Madam Scarlet's resturaunt.)
Fujin: WOWEE.
Raijin: Hey guys, y'know?
Seifer: Raijin?! You're alive?!... (Looks at his sleeve.) Hey! My jacket sleeve is back!
Raijin: Now we can be a posse again, y'know?
Fujin: DAMN.
Ellone: Well, bye guys! I'm gonna get me a copier machine! (Leaves.)
Seifer: Mission accomplished!
Fujin: No, not yet...
***
(Back at GARDEN.)
Cid: Hey! You bought the PS2!
Seifer: Well, we didn't buy it as much as we did, uh, steal it.
Fujin: GRAND LARCENY.
Raijin: As long as we're kidnapping we might as well break same other laws, y'know?
Cid: Good to hear, good to hear. Well, see you guys some other time.
Seifer: Y'know, why couldn't we just have gone to Japan and bought it there? I mean, not only is GARDEN mobile, but we have the Ragnarok as well.
Cid: That's enough common sense for today, kiddies! Now GET OUT!!
Fujin: POO.
Cid: (Kicks them out of his office.)......DAMN!! I should've asked them to get some games!
THEEND
Depending on how this goes - whether you actually think any of this is funny or just stupid - I may post the whole library! And if you don't mind, I'll post some of our holiday specials, too, which are arguably the best; I'm not posting them at first, because personally, seeing Christmas-themed stuff in the spring ****es me off, and I wasn't sure who else felt the same way.
Also, keep in mind that these were all written when I was in 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, so the jokes are most likely old, stupid, or completely nonsensical. So...
First up is a little gem called Fright Reaction. It's a parody of Fear Effect starring the Disciplinary Committee from FFVIII. It's set predominately in the FFVIII universe, but as you will learn, I constantly crossover characters from other games, too. The Committee is sent to kidnap Ellone and hold her for ransom so that Balamb Garden can afford a PS2. But soon enough, tides turn and a demonic conspiracy is uncovered! Will Fujin and Raijin finally declare their love for eachother? How many times will Biggs and Wedge die THIS time?? Trudge through direct parodies of actual in-game puzzles and laugh at how ridiculously OLD the jokes are!
FRIGHT REACTION
Control your Fright
An FF8/Fear Effect parody fan-fic
by Sir T. Magus & Kefka Jr.
(Zell's Dorm.)
Zell: ARRRRRGH!!! (Einhander crashes.) One hit?! What the hell is that?! I'm never gonna get past the third level!
Selphie: Come on, Zell. Even Quistis beat the mid-boss!
Quistis: Shut up.
Zell: Shut yer face, freak!
Irvine: C'mon, let me try.
Zell: NO!
Irvine: Okay....then let me tr-
Zell: NO!
(Squall and Rinoa walk in.)
Rinoa: Hey, guys, Cid's callin' us for a mission.
Squall: Zell, stop playing that.
Zell: STOP YELLING AT ME GET OFF MY BACK!!!
Squall: Zell, please, really.
Zell: (Einhander crashes.) .......................YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
(The dormitory explodes.)
***
(Cid's Office.)
Xu: Cid, all the SeeD dormitories exploded.
Cid: What, again?! [Sigh] Now who am I gonna get to take this ever-so-important mission? Hmmmmm...
***
(Later, Cid's Office)
Cid: Ahem. As you all must know, the Playstation 2 came out in Japan. I have recieved 193 suggestions in the suggestion box that we import one and put it in the rec room. At $700, it won't be easy. Unfortunately, that's the Galbadian import price. Balamb's is $2499. The GARDEN, however doesn't have that much money. But I know how to get it. I'm sure you're aware that Ellone is President Loire's daughter. What we, by which I mean you, will do is kidnap Ellone and hold her for ransom for $2499. She ran away from the Presidential Palace for unknown reasons. You have to meet the contact, Hammer, at the Palace. He'll give you places to start looking for her. So, ya up for it?
Fujin: HMMM... NOT SURE.
Raijin: Tough decision, y'know?
Seifer: Hmmm...I guess so...
Cid: Seifer, you and Fujin go straight for the Presidential Palace and find Hammer. Raijin'll wait at the shopping district.
Seifer: Why? I think it'd be more convenient if he came.
Cid: Fujin, you have to take this pill that allows you to say up to 19 word's a sentence.
Fujin: NO.
Cid: (Stuffs a pill the size of a quarter down Fujin's throat.)
Raijin: Cripes, that pill's HUGE, y'know?
Fujin: [Gulp] Well, now I can say how much I hate you all.
Cid: Great! (Kicks them all into a readily running helicopter that flies away.) ......Damn. I should've made them ask for more than $2499.
***
Ellone: Esthar. A familiar place, in another time; whatever that means. Mercanaries from the west were coming to get me. Their only desire was for money...Uh...I'm gonna go to sleep.
(Esthar. Seifer and Fujin are flying in the helicopter.)
Seifer: We gotta meet Hammer at the Palace. You trust 'im?
Fujin: Hammer's, uh, reliable...
Seifer: ...No he isn't...
Fujin: ...
Seifer: ...Some consoles are so good, you can lose friends quickly. When we get the money, we are talking about this kinda console, right Fujin?
Fujin: You saw the screens. Don't worry, Seif. You won't be disappointed. (Looks out the window.) There it is, the Presidential Palace. (Lands on the helipad.)
Siefer: Shouldn't Hammer be here?
Fujin: I'll go find him. (Enters a door on the pad.)
Bodyguard: Hey! Stop! (Bonks her on the head.)
Fujin: RAGE. (Kicks him through the window.) What's this? (Plays a video on a security screen.)
(Video)
(Hammer is tied up to a bomb, with three bodyguards around him.)
Kiros: All right, Hammer. (Put's an uzi up to Hammer's head.) Who you waitin' for?
Hammer: Rico Banderas.
Kiros: A celebrity like him wouldn't waste time with you! WHO are you WAITING FOR?!
Hammer: I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout, bro! I'm hip! I'm cool!
Kiros: Ah yeah? (Knocks Hammer over the head.)
Hammer: OW, bro.
(Video ends)
Fujin: This deal was supposed to be clean, Hammer. (She goes to the next room.)
***
Kiros: (Sets the timer on the bomb.) Tick, tock, tick, tock, the mouse went up the clock... the clock struck one... uhhh... da dun dun dun... Hickery dickery DIE!
Fujin: (Enters the room.)
Kiros: What the?! Get her! (Runs off.)
Hammer: Fujin! Don't leave me! Don't let them kill me!
Bodyguards: (Run towards Fujin.) Grrr!
Fujin: (Shoots them both in the head.)
Hammer: Nice work! You got MAD SKILLZ!
Fujin: What the hell, Hammer?!
Hammer: Sorry, bro. Just take care of the explosive!
Fujin: Hmmm. If I try to take it off, it'll blow. I gotta cut the wires. This'll be tough. (Looks at the one wire and bites it in half.) There we go. Now...
Hammer: (Get's up.) Well, I was out on the helipad with a disk containin' places to start lookin' for Ellone, until that stinkin', fershluginer jerk found me.
Fujin: DISK?
Hammer: With the stinkin', fershluginer jerk.
Fujin: OKAY.
Hammer: Heh, y'know, for a second there, I thought I was dead man for sure! (A barage of bullets blow him out the window. He throws a bucket of his blood on Fujin.) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Dies.)
Fujin: EW.
Kiros: HAhahahahahahaha!!! (Runs off, moving his legs fast yet going slow.)
Fujin: RAGE. (Runs across the hall and karate kicks Kiros out the window.)
Kiros: YAA-HOOHOOHOOEY!......
Fujin: RIGHT. (Grabs the disk off the floor and goes down a ladder. When she reaches the bottom, a door behind her opens.)
Laguna: (Comes out, wearing a red shirt with yellow trim.) Hyello. I am Mr. Loire. You've done two things wrong. First, I have enough resources to find my daughter on my own. Second, you landed on the heliport in front of the bodyguards' lounge. Third--no, three, THREE THINGS! You've done three things wrong. First, I have enough resources to find my daughter on my own. Second, you landed on the heliport in front of the bodyguards' lounge. Third... (A bunch of bodyguards grab Fujin.) You should have killed me by now.
Bodyguards: (Start spitting on Fujin.)
Laguna: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho!
Fujin: JACKASS.
***
(Back on the helipad.)
Seifer: C'mon, Fujin, hurry up... (Checks watch.) I better look for her. (Takes gunblade.)
***
Laguna: (Holding the disc.) I hear what's on this disc isn't pretty. You must tell me the code.
Fujin: NO.
Laguna: Jeez, quit yelling!
Fujin: NO.
Laguna: Give her one of those pill dealies...
Fujin: NO!
Bodyguard: (Shoves pill down Fujin's throat.)
Fujin: BASTA-- You bastards!
Laguna: Now... what is the disc's encryption code?
Fujin: Hammer played me like a bagpipe.... no, not like a bagpipe... anyway, he didn't tell me about any code.
Laguna: Very well. (Tosses her the disc.) Our business is done. (To the bodyguards.) You may shoot.
Seifer: With pleasure! (Hangs upside down on the ladder shooting all the bodyguards.)
Laguna: That's not fair!! You're supposed to use a gunblade!
Helicopter: (Shoots through the window.)
Fujin: RAGE. (Jumps through the window and shoots the pilot in the head. Gets into the pilot's chair.)
Seifer: Yeah! (Jumps into the helicopter and runs toward the ****pit.) Go! GO!! GO!!! (Fujin flies the chopper from the building.)
***
(Raijin is standing outside a hotel near the shopping district.)
Bellhop: Uh, Mr. Raijin, a package came for you.
Raijin: Jeers. (Takes a large needle the size of his leg from the package.)
(A Volkswagon beetle drives up.)
Raijin: (Gets in the back with Seifer.) 'Aye guys. ...Hmm, these Beetles are surprisingly roomy, y'know?
Seifer: Yeah, nice smell, too.
Raijin: So, where's Ellone, y'know?
(Beetle starts driving again.)
Fujin: (Driving.) Slip this in. (Hands the disc to Raijin.)
Raijin: (Forces the disc into a VCR built into the front seat of the car with the huge needle.)
Screen: Mister Sparkle! Awesome'a pahwah!
Seifer: -the hell?!
Screen(Hammer): It seems Ellone has gone to see a Madam...Scarlet? I'm
pretty sure you know who that is...Fuuuujin.
Fujin: CRAP. I never thought I'd have t' see her again.
Seifer: Who's this Madam Scarlet, Fujin?
Fujin: SUPER*****.
Raijin: Oh. Y'know?
Hammer: I'm sure you remember where to find Madam Scarlet, don't you, Fujin? And be prepared for anything. Peace out, G! (Screen goes black.)
Seifer: Where do we find Madam Scarlet?
Fujin: Scarlet runs a restaurant on the coast of the inlet of the Centra continent..
Raijin: ...
Seifer: What the hell's an inlet? [BUMP!]
Fujin: HEY.
(A TYCO car continuously bumps into their beetle.)
Seifer: It's trying to run us off the road!
(The car is forced in front of a 'BRIDGE OUT" sign.)
Fujin: AAAAAAHH.
Raijin: Oh, bloody 'ell!, y'know? (They crash into the ocean. Then they all climb onto a boat just waiting for them.)
***
(Boat.)
Fujin: (Washing dishes, singing.) WASHING DISHES. JUST WASHING. WASHING DISHES. NOTHING SPECIAL. WASHING WASHING. JUST DISHES. WASHING DISHES. GOOD TIMES.
Seifer: (Drinking hash.) [CRASH!] (Spills hash.) Oh, great! That'll never wash out!
Raijin: We hit land, y'know? (Zombies break in.)
Zombies: Grrrr!
Seifer & Raijin: AAAAAAAHHH! (Shoot the zombies until they're more dead.)
Seifer: Fujin! We need you out here!
Fujin: I got dish-pan hands!
Seifer: Put some gloves on and hurry up! (Seifer and Raijin jump out the boat to see that they hit Fisherman's Horizon.) Let's split up.
Raijin: Why, y'know?
Seifer: 'Cuz it makes too much sense to stick together!
Raijin: Oh, yeah! Y'know? (Runs off.)
Seifer: (Runs elsewhere.)
Fujin: (Wearing dish gloves.) SEIFER! RAIJIN! Where'd you leave my shuriken?
Zombie: Uggggghhhhh.
Fujin: You're not SEIFER or RAIJIN!
Zombie: AHHH -- (Head explodes.)
Fujin: WHOOPS. That screaming-suppressant IS wearing OFF AGAIN... (Washes pill down with drink of water.) THERE -- ahem, there.
Zombies: Uhhhhhh...
Fujin: Whoa! (Picks up a pair of pistols and shoots the zombies dead.) What's going on here?
Ellone: (Slaps Fujin in the back.) TAG! You're it! (Runs down the road.)
Fujin: Why I oughtta! (Runs after Ellone.)
***
Raijin: (Running away from some zombies.) Where'd these freaks come from, y'know?! (Passes a bar.) Huff... puff... huff...? (Runs back to the bar.) Heyyyy... (Walks in and sits down at the counter.) ........ (Whistles.) I guess I'll help myself, y'know? (Hops behind the bar and starts drinking cherry juice.)
Shakhan: (Walks out of the bathroom, buckling his pants.) WHOA! Who the hell're you?!
Raijin: WAAAH!! (Ducks behind the counter and takes out uzis.)
Shakhan: You're dead meat! (Trips over his pants.)
Raijin: (Jumps up on the counter and aims at Shakhan.) Who are you, y'know?
Shakhan: 'Y'know' what?
Raijin: Don't mess around with me, y'know?
Shakhan: I'm telling you, I don't know anything!
Raijin: Just tell me who you are, y'know?!
Shakhan: AHHH! Your interrogative skills are extraordinary... Fine. I am
Shakhan, from the Loire Presidential Palace. Uh, DIE! (Gets up and shoots at Raijin.)
Raijin: (Jumps at Shakhan, hovers in mid-air, and smashes his head with a folding chair.)
Zombies: Garrrr.
Raijin: Aw man, not you guys again, y'know?
***
Seifer: (Slashing down zombies.) Where did these monsters come from?! The chaos of the city's increasing! (Spots Ellone.)
Ellone: ...Jeez! It's the Feds! (Runs away.)
Seifer: Dammit! It's Ellone Loire! (Runs after her.) Huff puff huff puff... (Runs to the harbor, which is on fire.) Looks like a bomb hit... Uhhhh... (Runs through the fire, really fast.)
Ellone: Mr. Almasy, you're on fire.
Seifer: Blast, that didn't work! (Rolls around on the ground.) Hey, wait a minute... How'd you know my name?
Ellone: I know a lot about you, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: (Gets back up.) Whatever, little girl, you're coming with me.
Ellone: (Runs away.)
Seifer: ...D'oh!
***
Fujin: (Running down a road.) Where are you, Ellone?! (Passes a door.) Hmm, that looked interesting. (Runs back to the door.) Damn, locked.
Zombie: Grrrrr --
Fujin: (Blasts the zombie's head off and bites the lock off the door. Opens it.)
Old Lady: AAAHHH!!!
Fujin: (Aims gun at the old lady.) AAAHHH!!!!
Old Lady: AAAHHHH!!!!
Fujin: SHUT UP!!!
Old Lady: OOOKAYY!!!!
Fujin: (Holsters gun.) Sorry about that. What's going on in this place?
Old Lady: The girl! The girl came and the chaos of the city increased!
Fujin: (Waves arms frantically.) GIRL? Do you mean Ellone? Where is she?!
Old Lady: (Hysterical.) She made the monsters appear -- the people die!
Fujin: Ellone made the monsters...? Whatever... Just tell me where she is!
Old Lady: There's only one place for a girl like that... RIVERDALE! (Cries.)
Fujin: Ugh... Forget you. (Walks out the back door of the building into a big 'ol military complex.)
Cyborg Soldier: Intruder alert!
Cyborg Solider 2: Roger roger!
Cyborg Soldier: No, I'm Steve.
Cyborg Soldier 2: Oh. Roger!
Cyborg Soldier: Steve!
Fujin: (Shoots the soldiers to death.) Zombies? The Esthar military? What's next? (Runs near a train to investigate.)
Esthar Soldier: (Points his gun at Fujin.) Put yer hands up! Heh heh... Looks like I got ya!
Fujin: (Raises arms.) Shoot. Looks like you got me.
Soldier: Heh heh heh... Any last requests?
Fujin: Hmm... Yeah. Could you just stand there while my partner twists your head off?
Soldier: Huh... Odd request, but it sounds fair.
Raijin: (Grabs the soldiers neck and squeezes.) Hey, nothing happened, y'know?
Fujin: Moron, you have to keep on squeezing until the vertebrae cracks!
Raijin: Oh... right! Y'know? (Squeezes a few more times.)
Soldier: Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh --! [SNAP!]
Raijin: There we go. Y'know? (Drops the soldier.)
Fujin: Shut up. Let's find Ellone and get out of this deathtrap. I'm gonna go back to Fisherman's Horizon. No reason she'd be here.
Raijin: Sure there is, y'know? I'll look around here.
Fujin: Fine, stupid. (Runs off.)
Raijin: Okay... (Walks into the military base.) Uggggghhhh, this place is boring, y'know? Woah! Demons, y'know?
Demons: Ellone belongs to ussssssssssssss!!
Raijin: (Pulls uzis out of his pants and fires at them.) Exit, stage left, y'know? (Climbs a ladder.)
***
Seifer: Dammit, Ellone come back here!
Ellone: (Runs into zombies.) Whew!
Seifer: (Shoots the zombies.) All right, Ellone, come with me!
Ellone: (Runs away.)
Seifer: ...D'oh!
***
Fujin: (Jumps into the train.) Let's get this baby rolling! (Looks at a panel.) Man, I have to enter a code to start the train? (Picks up a letter.)
Please deliver the ForegeiN weapon shipments TO the boss BeFore TOmorrow evening. TO See your Eight Grand.
P.S. The Code is 4n2b422c8000, stupid.
Fujin: Right! (Enters in the code.)
Seifer: (Walks in.) Let's get this gravy train a-movin'!
(The train starts moving, hauling 55,000 gallons of giblet gravy.)
Raijin: (Gets teleported onto the roof of the train.) Neat, y'know?
Vicks & Wedge: Hey! (Shoot at Raijin and, off course, miss.)
Raijin: Hey, y'know?! (Shoots them.) There; everything's good now, y'know? (Sees that the train is heading over a cliff.) Holy crap!, y'know? (Runs in the opposite direction and jumps off just as the last car goes over the cliff.)
***
Seifer: (Climbs out of the debris.) ...Huh... That seemed like it would work. (Runs across the debris.)
Vicks & Wedge: Hey!
Seifer: Oh, can't you die right?! (Shoots them. Jumps into a military truck and tries to start it up.)
Ellone: (In the passenger seat.) So you found me.
Seifer: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (Points his gun at her.) You scared the bejeezus out of me!
Ellone: What's bejeezus?
Seifer: Are you increasing the chaos around here?
Ellone: I don't know how, but yes, I turned them into zombies.
Seifer: Well, cut it out!
Ellone: Please, Mr. Almasy. You must get me to Madam Scarlet. Once my business is done there, I will go with you.
Seifer: Hey, sweet deal! All righty then! Let's just pick up my idiots. (Starts up the car.)
***
(Madam Scarlet's Restaurant. Centra Continent.)
Seifer: (Parks from across the restuarant.) What's so special about this
place, Fujin? It looks like any other restuarant-bordello.
Fujin: No, it's much worse.
Seifer: What's worse than that?
Fujin: ...You'll see. (Gets out of the car.)
Seifer: (Eyes Raijin and imitates Fujin.) 'WE'LL SEE.'
Raijin: Heh, heh, heh, y'know.
(Everyone gets out of the car.)
Ellone: I must see Madam Scarlet.
Fujin: Wait, Ellone. We can't all just march in there. I might get recognized.
Seifer: And Raijin's too fat. Right, I'll accompany Ellone in there.
Ellone: Thank you, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: Yeah sure, I just wanna get this over with. (Pulls Ellone towards the entrance.)
Raijin: Yo, I'm not fat, y'know.
Fujin: Shut up, Raijin.
***
(Seifer and Ellone enter the restaurant.)
Waitress: Hi, how many are sitting please?
Seifer: What are ya, blind? Two! (Holds up two fingers.) Twwwwwooooooo!
Dos! Deux!
Waitress: (Rolls eyes.) Yes sir... (Walks to a table.)
Seifer: Heh, heh. Deux is French for 'ni.'
Ellone: Yeah. (They sit down.)
Seifer: (Looks at menu.) Hmm, I'll have -- (Gets knocked out by an unknown jerk.)
***
(Outside.)
Raijin: Damn, he's been gone for thirty minutes, y'know?
Fujin: Blast it. He's probably been caught. Okay, you climb up to the roof and I'll... uhh... umm... (Runs off.)
Raijin: Sounds like a good plan, y'know? (Climbs on top of the restuarant.)
***
Seifer: (Wakes up.) Wh...where am I? (Rubs the bump on his head.) Ow... (Looks around.) Great, I'm in a closet. (Tries to open the door.) Great, it's locked. I better take on the form of steam! (Tries to take on the form of steam.) Form of steam! Form of steam!
Guard: Keep it down in there!
Seifer: What am I in here for?!
Guard: I said 'shut up!'
Seifer: No you didn't!
Guard: SHUT UP!
Seifer: Ooooohhhawaawwwwww, c'mon! (Bangs on the door.)
Guard: Keep it down in there, will ya? ACHOO! ...Damn cold...
Seifer: Now, if I were me, what would I do in a situation like this. (Reaches into hair and pulls out a hairpin.) Well, it's time to break out. (Smashes hairpin against the floor.) [CRASH!!!]
Guard: What?! (Runs toward the room.)
Seifer: (Spits on the floor.) The ball's in his court, now.
Guard: (Unlocks the door and goes in.) What's going on in here? (Walks further in and slips on Seifer's spit.) Whoa! (Falls on the floor and explodes.)
Seifer: Ninmu kanryo. (Picks the guard's gun off the floor and runs out of the closet, and down the hall. Stops suddenly to see Ellone walking off with some woman and a bunch of guards.)
***
Raijin: Okay. Here I am, y'know?! (Walks up to a huge skylight in the roof.) Ah man, how am I gonna get across this? Y'know?! (Ponders.) I know! I gotta believe!
Trowa Barton: No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
Raijin: Whoa! It's Trowa Barton from Gundam Wing, y'know?!
Trowa: All you have to do is jump.
Raijin: Is it really that easy? Y'know?
Trowa: Allow me. (Jumps over the glass, spins three times midway and lands on the other side. Bows to no one in particular.)
Raijin: Sorry, you're just too obscure of a character, Trowa, y'know?
Trowa: Fine, but you'll be sorry. They always are. (Beams out.)
Super Mario: How about a'me? Mario!
Raijin: WHOA! It's, like, the mother of all videogame characters, y'know?!
Mario: Jump'a like this! (Triple jumps across the glass.) There! Well, meesa go now! (Jumps into a warp pipe.)
Raijin: Okay... There is no spoon, y'know? (Jumps across the glass and lands on the other side.) Yeah!
***
Seifer: (Enters a kitchen.) Whoa, this place is, like, so disgusting! (Vomits.)
Chef: (Hears the [SPLAT!!!] of the vomit.) Hey now!
Seifer: AHH!!! You didn't spot me!
Chef: (Points at Seifer's puddle.) Can I use some of that?
Seifer: (Vomits some more.)
Chef: Great! Thanks!
Seifer: (Holds mouth closed and runs out of the kitchen. Pukes on some guards on the way to the front door.)
Fujin: Seifer, let me in! Let me in!
Seifer: Let me out! Let me out! (Opens door.)
Fujin: (Runs in.)
Seifer: (Runs out and vomits a few more times.)
Fujin: Ugh, not here! Not here! OOOooooooohhh...
Seifer: Argh... Fujin, don't go in there! They put my lunch in their food!
Fujin: We must get Ellone back. What would we tell Cid?
Seifer: Screw Cid! We're the friggin' Disclipinary Committee, woman!
Fujin: Yet you can't handle a bunch of thugs in a restuarant?
Seifer: My God, Fujin, you're right. You're never that encouraging at GARDEN.
Fujin: MORON.
Seifer: ...Oh yeah.
Fujin: I'm going in, so don't wait up. (Loads fresh clips into guns.) See you in there.
Seifer: Oh, Fujin...
Fujin: Yes, Seifer?
Seifer: (Holds Fujin close to him and peers deep into her dark brown... eye.) May the Force be with you.
Fujin: ...You smell like hash.
***
Fujin: (Infiltrates deeper into the restaurant. She ducks into a storage room.) There's too many guards! I need a disguise of some sort... (Searches the room. She found a chef's hat, a Goomba costume, a S.T.A.R.S. uniform, and an outfit fit for a hooker. She changes into the Goomba costume.)
Creepy voice: RESIDENT... EVIL...
Fujin: CRAP. What the hell was that?!
Guard: (Walks in.) What the hell are you?
Fujin: Uhhhh.... Restaurant Health Inspector, Division 6.
Guard: Oh, okay. Carry on. (Walks out.)
Fujin: (Follows the guard out.) Okay... (Runs upstairs and ducks into another room.) Raijin!
Raijin: Ah!! A goomba!
Fujin: It's me! Fujin!
Raijin: You're a goomba, y'know?
Fujin: Ugh, where's Ellone?
Raijin: I dunno, what happened to Seifer?
Irvine: (Runs after a waitress.) Giggle giggle giggle!
Fujin: ...He's puking.
Guard: Yo, goomba! Don't you have inspecting to do?
Fujin: Blast. Gotta go, Raijin. (Runs off.)
Raijin: Poo. Well. Umm... y'know? (Walks into a room.)
TV: (Playing a Street Fighter Alpha 3 demo.)
Raijin: Whoa, Street Fighter, y'know?! (Picks up a Playstation controller.) Let's link some chains, y'know?! (Begins playing.) Whoa! I'm a badass at this game, y'know?! (Pulls off a 50 hit combo in battle.)
(Suddenly, a secret door opens in the room.)
Raijin: Yowza!!, y'know? (Goes through the secret door, into a corridor. The door closes behind him.) Aw c'mon, y'know?! How am I gonna get out now? (Walks down the hall.)
Diddy Kong: (Materializes out of the wall.) You shouldn't go any further!
Raijin: Sorry, I don't listen to no apes, y'know? (Picks up a key.) Hey, a key, y'know?
Maguila Gorrila: (Materializes out of the floor.) Don't go any fuuuuurrrrther!
Raijin: This is freakin' me out y'know? (Tries to open an elevator's door. Uses the key.) Why a key for an elevator, y'know? (Steps in the elevator.)
Dr. Zaius: (In the elevator.) You really should listen to us apes, Raijin. Before you know it, you'll evolve into one!
Raijin: Hogwash, y'know?! (Presses the only button on the elevator panel. The elevator descends, opens, and Raijin walks down another hall.) Whoa, another key, y'know? (Picks up another key and arrives at a very large door.)
Grape Ape: I wouldn't go in there.
Raijin: Shut up, y'know?! (Uses the key on the door and enters.)
Madam Scarlet: Boo!
Raijin: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUURRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!
***
Seifer: (Still outside the restaurant.) Well, I better get to work. (Loads gunblade.) Time to open up a whole case of whoopass! (Enters the restaurant.)
Guard: Hey, it's that guy again!
Guard 2: Let's break his feet!
Seifer: AIAIIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIII!!! (Slices the guards in half.)
Guard 3: (All bloody.) Jeez, did you see what he did to that guy?!
Guard 4: (Dead.)
Guard 3: EEP! (Stabbed in the chest.)
Seifer: Too hot enough for ya? Ha ha ha!
Guard 5: I don't get it.
Seifer: KAMEHAMEHA!
Guard 5: WHOOOOAAA!!! (Explodes.)
Seifer: Yes! (Runs to where he's supposed to go, into some room.)
Professor Daravon: AAASAAAAHHh!! Hurt me dont! I'll do anythin want you!
Seifer: (Whispering to himself.) So this is your secret, Fujin. (Out loud.) All right, where's Ellone?!
Daravon: Know don't! I don't a@ything know!
Guard: (Fires machine gun at Seifer.) Aaaahaahhaha!
Daravon: AAAPHHH!!!!
Seifer: Crap! I can't kill that guard without harming the dyslexic professor!
Guard: (Fires machine gun again.)
Daravon: EEPS!! (Jumps on a bed.)
Seifer: (Rolls to the side.) You know what? I 'spose it doesn't make a difference... (Blows up Daravon and the guard.)
Daravon: EEEEéEEE!!!
Seifer: (Leaves the room.)
Laguna: (Tears Seifer's coat sleeve off.) [RIP!!!]
Seifer: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! What the hell, man?!
Laguna: Aha ha ha ha ha ha haaahaahahahahahhaaa!!
Seifer: (Faints.)
Laguna: Do you know what it's liiiiike to be separated from your own flesh and bloooood?! Maybe it's about time that you know what it feels like to be separated from yoooouu... Oh, he's fainted.
***
Fujin: Hmm... (Throws vases at a door and enters it.)
Madam Scarlet: Hello, Peaches!
Fujin: No, Scarlet! Peaches is dead! You killed her!
Madam Scarlet: So, what have you been up to?
Fujin: Well, nothing mu-- Where's Ellone?!
Madam Scarlet: Oh, are you still on that?! (Transforms into a demon.)
Fujin: Oh, man! I'm screwed to the max!
Madam Scarlet: (Holding Raijin's corpse above her head.) Mwa hah ha hah hah aha ha! (Throws the corpse off a balcony.)
***
(Ground floor. Bodyguards are trying to get sluts out of the resturaunt-bordello.)
Ellone: Father, you don't understand--
Laguna: No, we have to close the deal before it's too late!
Ellone: What?!
(Raijin's corpse crashes through the ceiling. His head splits through a spike irresponsably left there. His blood splatters onto the sluts and they turn into demons. His blood splatters onto Ellone.)
Ellone: (Eyes turn black.) Aw, man, this sucks! (Big flash of light comes from her.)
***
Madam Scarlet: Well, I'm gonna go to a room where you can kill me. Bye! (Flies through the wall.)
Fujin: ****.
***
Ellone: (Steps into the freezer.) Heh, hello...? (Sees Seifer hanging on a meat hook. Goes over to him.) I'm so sorry, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: Go to hell.
Ellone: That's exactly what I need to do! If I can get there, I know this will stop!
Seifer: By Hell, you do mean that place in Nebraska, right?
Ellone: No, I mean hell.
Seifer: Gee, I imagine that'll be hard as hell....Heh heh heh. (Pukes and faints.)
Ellone: Oh, poopy.
***
Fujin: (Goes to the room where she can kill Scarlet.) Time for me to kill you! I always knew you were a ***** from hell!
Madam Scarlet: Let's go!
Fujin: No, wait. Wait... Umm, aren't you gonna say something, er, evil?
Madam Scarlet: ......?
Fujin: I know it's unusual for me to ask, but....you know...
Madam Scarlet: ....I don't-- (Explodes.) [SPLORCH!!]
Fujin: I should try that more often! (Looks in the hole left from the explosion.)
Ellone: Can you help me down?
Fujin: What is it?
Ellone: A hole to hell. A 'hell-hole' if you will.
Fujin: COOL. (They both jump into hell.)
***
(Walking on a stone slab path in hell, bodies of water on either side.)
Fujin: So, uh, why're you going to hell?
Ellone: I'm not sure how, but I believe the chaos of the city will stop
increasing if I do.
Fujin: .....RIGHT.....
Ellone: Woops! (Slips into the demonic water.)
Fujin: POOP. (Walks further into hell.)
Demon: Grrrr! (Gets shot.)
Fujin: (Picks up the paper gate key it leaves behind. Unlocks a paper gate.)
Madam Scarlet: (In chains.) Hey, Peaches!
Fujin: Scarlet?! Aren't you dead?
Madam Scarlet: Off course! I'm undead as well as evil.
Fujin: Undead? Wouldn't that mean, not dead?
Madam Scarlet: No, undead means possesing all the negative attributes of one who is dead, while attaining all of the positive attributes of one who is living.
Fujin: Yeah, but still, undead. That un means 'not'. I mean, someone like me would be undead, since I'm not dead--
Madam Scarlet: Shut yer HOLE!!
Fujin: APOLOGY.
Madam Scarlet: Anyway, I want you take this doll to my daughter in the play room.
Fujin: Daughter? You?!
Madam Scarlet: SHUT UP!! Just do it.
Fujin: Er... (Frollicks off to a trio of huts. Steps into one.) Oh, GOD!! (The room is filled with smiling stuffed animals and pink lights. Sees a little girl in the corner.) Hey, there! I think this is yours!
Little Girl: (Takes the doll.) Thank you! (The little girl is wearing a light blue dress. She has silver hair...and an eye patch.)
Fujin: What the?! You're me!
Peaches: Yes, I'm you, Peaches!
Fujin: No, I'm not Peaches anymore.
Peaches: Now normally, I'd say something short but meaningful, then challange you to an awkward puzzle to get something important, but for the sake of our authors [and readers], I'll just give you this. (Hands Fujin a stone scroll.) I'm gonna play Resident Evil.
Fujin: Uh......huh... (Runs back to Scarlet.)
Madam Scarlet: So, you like my daughter?
Fujin: You make me sick. I'm not your daughter. We're like almost the same age.
Madam Scarlet: I know, but you were always my favorite, Peaches. Here, have a BRANCH! (Hands Fujin a tree branch.)
Fujin: .....RIGHT... (Leaves the hut. Believing what she has to do is blatantly obvious, she lights the branch on fire and lights three torches. A door opens and she goes in.)
Palmer's Ghost: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!
Fujin: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Palmer's Ghost: Here, this should help you out! (Gives Fujin what appears to be half of a stone tree.)
Fujin: .......THANKS... (Leaves and goes into another set of doors.)
***
Seifer: ...Forks... (Gets up off the ground.) Hmm, I thought hell would be more like LA or Newark. (Seifer walks through hell, seeing statues of the Guardians Grudiev, Moor Gault, Fengalon, Oboryuk, and Schtudark, all of them IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER!! He climbs down a vine and sees a bridge of tiles, suspended over a pit. Each tile had a symbol, on it.) Hmm... Ahh! (Pulls out his WA2 player's guide.) Hmm... Grudiev (Steps on a tile.)...Moor Gault (Hops to another tile.)...Fengalon (Hops to another.)...Oboryuk (And another.)...Schtudark. (And yet another.) Good for me! (Runs forward and grabs a Stone Sword off the wall. Demons with hockey masks and chain saws pop out of nowhere.)
Demons: PORK CHOPS!!
Seifer: Whoa! (Runs across the bridge, each tile he steps off of falls into the pit below. Scrambles up the vine and sees a statue of Lucky Dan. Holds up the stone sword to it.) O Holy Dan. Show me the way. (The statue crumbles revealing a passage. Seifer continues until he reaches an area with much water.)
Raijin: 'Ey, Seif! (The left side of his head has a big bloody hole in it. His body is tentacle-ey and demon like.)
Seifer: Raijin?!?! Oh man, you don't look so hot.
Raijin: You said you'd look out for me, y'know?
Seifer: No I didn't. I wouldn't be caught dead protecting you, unlike you.....What happened to you?
Raijin: You have no idea what they do to guys like you and me...to killers...y'know
Seifer: ....Heh. That's funny.
Raijin: Get ready for eternity. And believe me, it's gonna be horrifying, y'know? (Johnny Quest music starts playing. Raijin smacks Seifer real hard.)
Seifer: Ouch! Uh-oh! (Pulls out a Brady Games Final Fantasy VIII Official Strategy Guide with exclusive Poster inside.)...... Damn! I've got Thunder junctioned! (Reads "Note".) 'If you accidentally have Thunder or Wind magic junctioned to a character's attack, you can have that character draw magic from one enemy and use it on the other. For example, you can draw Aero from Fujin--'.....do I have Aero?
Raijin: Come on! Die, y'know?!
Seifer: (Casts Aero.) SPOON!!
Raijin: Ah, hell! (Falls into demonic water.)
Seifer: Rest easy, you stupid, stupid man. (Picks up a stone eye and places it in a near-by well.)
***
Fujin: (Arrives at the end of a corridor.)
Heidegger's Ghost: Wee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
Fujin: Don't DO that!
Heidegger's Ghost: HERE!! This should help you out! (Gives Fujin the other
half of the stone tree. She puts them together.)
Fujin: Thank yee. (Runs over to a well and pulls up the bucket. Grabs the stone eye inside.) EEEEEEEEEEE. (Runs back down the corridor.) EH?
(Many robed people are marching down the corridor. Two are holding tapestries: one with a picture of Ellone and the other with a picture of Donald Pleasence. In the crowd was Ellone. After a little while, she strays from the rest. A shadowy figure creeps up behind her.)
Fujin: Watch out, Ellone! A shadowy figure! (The shadowy figure grabs Ellone and slits her throat with his gunblade.) GODDAMMIT. Why'd you do that Seifer?!
Seifer: We got her to hell and nothing happened! To end this, we had to make her DEAD!!
Ellone: But I'm not dead! (Stands up straight. The gash on her throat is slowly healing.)
Fujin: WHOA.
Laguna: (Appears holding Seifer's jacket sleeve.) There you are! Get 'em!
Fujin: GEEZ. (Runs like hell.)
Seifer: Uh-oh! (Get's overcome by demons.)
Palmer's Ghost: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!
Heidegger's Ghost: WEE hee hee hee hee hee! (They both float away.)
Fujin: HEY. You got me into this! (Runs after them until she reaches a map.) Hmm?
Map: Is it physically possible for a swallow to carry a coconut?!?!
Fujin: YES!
(The map burns away. Suddenly a bright light surrounds Fujin. When it clears, she finds herself in a room filled with prayer wheels.)
Demons: Grrr! (Get shot by Fujin.)
Fujin: HMMM. (Looks at three holes in floor. She puts the stone tree, the stone sword, and the stone eye in the holes. When she does, yet another bright light flashes. When it clears, she finds herself on a big, floating floor in something that appears to be space.)
Fujin: My GOD. It's heavenly... (Fujin sees a coffee table set up next to an arm chair. When she approaches, someone gets out of the chair and starts walking towards her.)
Hammer: Fujin, it's so good to see you!
Fujin: H...Hammer?! What are you doing here?
Hammer: Did you ever find Ellone, Fujin?
Fujin: I lost her in this place. This is so friggin' messed up, I shouldn't have brought her here.
Hammer: No, no, no, Fujin. You brought her right where I wanted you to.
Fujin: What?!
Hammer: Allow me to introduce myself. I am the President of Hell, Fujin. I am Hong... Kong... Phooey! (Transforms into a majestic evil king guy.)
Fujin: ...You're still Hammer.
Hammer: Shaddap! You must have many questions, Fujin. First, how did I do that cool transformation thing? Easy! Lights, smoke, and mirrors!
Fujin: ALWAYS.
Hammer: Next, what do Laguna, Scarlet, Ellone, and I have to do with each other? Long ago, Laguna signed a contract with Scarlet - my Earthly proxy. The contract granted him riches and power like he couldn't believe! The catch? I would own his only daughter!
Fujin: But, why?
Hammer: So we could sell quality furniture products at a low, low price, Fujin. Year after year, Fujin, people come down to Hell to be judged and then enter an eternity of pain. But we've been getting a lot of people lately, and there is nowhere for them to sit. Why? Because there's no chairs left.
Fujin: And Ellone can fix that?
Hammer: Yes, Fujin, she can! And soon she will walk the Earth and spread her furniture EVERYWHERE!! HA HA HA HA!!!! What do you expect from a guy who changes his clothes in filing cabinets? AAAAAAHHahahaha! Ellone will also bend everyone to do my bidding, as a bonus. Remember those demons in FH, Fujin?
Fujin: Off course I do.
Hammer: That was all because of Ellone! SHHHYEEEAHHHHHEhehehehhehe!!
Fujin: GASP!
Old Lady: (Hysterical.) She made the monsters appear -- the people die!
Fujin: Ellone made the monsters...? Whatever... Just tell me where she is!
Old Lady: There's only one place for a girl like that... RIVERDALE! (Cries.)
Fujin: You're sick.
Hammer: Oh, I'm nothing compared to you, Fujin. And that's just what I need, a bodyguard for Ellone! One so ruthless, emotionless, and dangerous that no one would be able to stand in her way! You'll even get a special membership card!
Fujin: You're also stupid.
Hong Kong Phooey: You entered my little trial the second my blood hit you!
Fujin: Off course... the blood!
Hammer: Heh, y'know, for a second there, I thought I was dead man for sure! (A barage of bullets blow him out the window. He throws a bucket of his blood on Fujin.) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Dies.)
Fujin: EW.
Hammer: Yes, EW indeed. Now it is time for Ellone to take her place at my side! (Claps his hands and Ellone, Laguna, and Seifer appear to his side.)
Ellone: Fujin!
Seifer: Fujin!
Fujin: Ellone! Seifer!
Laguna: Ellone! (Drags Ellone to Hong Kong Phooey.) C'mon, this ain't so bad, honey!
Hammer: You have served your master well, Mr. Loire. Here's your paycheck! (Bops Laguna on the head.)
Laguna: WHoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA!!! (Transforms into the Nemesis.) STARS...
Ellone: Fujin, Seifer! You have to help me!
Seifer: No way, toots! You're the cause of all this and I'm the... solution... who'll solve it!
Ellone: What?
Fujin: What are you saying, Seifer? We have to save her!
Seifer: Did you see what she did, woman?! To Fisherman's Horizon, to Raijin?!
Fujin: I believe her.
Seifer: (Pulls his gun on Fujin.)
Fujin: (At the same time, pulls her gun on Seifer.)
Seifer: Don't make me kill you, Fujin.
Fujin: RAGE.
***
(In an alternate dimension.)
Kiros: The rest is up to you, kiddies!
Ward: Who do you believe in? The choice is yours and yours alone!.....Actually, someone there can help you, I guess. I mean, there are no rules against it--
Kiros: Shut up.
***
THE FUJIN ENDING
Fujin: (Shoots Seifer.) See ya, Seif.
Ellone: (Points to a portrait of herself on the floor.) If I can work my magic on that portrait, it'll make everything all better!
Fujin: RIGHT. I'll take care of The Jerk!
Hammer: Poopy! Get 'er!
Nemesis: HBO... (Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: WHEW. (Bonks Nemesis.)
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken.)
Fujin: (Picks up the paper chickens and lights them on fire.)
Nemesis: (Bursts into flames.) Ouch. (Dies.)
Fujin: NEATO TORPEDO. (Turns to Hammer.) And now you. (Shoots him.)
Hammer: Nertz!! (Dies.)
(A bright flash appears. When it clears, Fujin and Ellone are outside Madam Scarlet's resturaunt.)
Fujin: Well, everything's back to normal!
Ellone: Is it? I mean, we did kill the President of Hell. One whole area of everyone's afterlives has no one to take care of it. Won't spirits run amuck, or uh, there'll be no justice--
Fujin: Shut up.
***
THE SEIFER ENDING
Seifer: (Shoots Fujin.) I'm sorry, Fujin. I owed you money. (Aims gun at Ellone.) You're next, babycakes.
Ellone: No, Mr. Almasy, you are the one who is next! (Transforms into True Ellone, an ugly demon.)
Seifer: HA! I KNEW IT! (Points and laughs at Fujin's lifeless body.) Tooooold ya sooooo!
True Ellone: SSSSSHHHYYYYYYEEEAAAHH!!!! (Sends winged demons after Seifer.)
Seifer: CRIPES!! (Tries to run away.)
Hammer: Not so fast! (Uses magic to form a force field around Seifer and True Ellone, making a nice little battle arena.)
Seifer: Grrrr... (Takes out gunblade.) Let's get dangerous!! (Jumps up and slices a demon in half.)
Demon: Noooo!! (Bursts into footstools.)
Seifer: (Runs at True Ellone, slicing and stabbing demons.) Diiiiiieeeee!!!
Footstool: WATCH OUT!!
Seifer: (Trips over a footstool.) YAAAHHH!!! (Falls flat on his face and drops his gunblade. It skids across the floor.)
Demons: (Surround Seifer.)
Seifer: (Gets up.) I know what you freaks're thinkin'... Uhhh... (Punches one of the demons.)
Demon: OW! (Punches Seifer back.)
Seifer: ARGH!! (Picks up a footstool and bashes the demon's face in.)
Other Demons: Hey, we can't let him do that to us!
Another Demon: Sure, we can! I'm outta here!
Some More Demons: Yipes, me too!
Seifer: (Runs, slides, hits the crocodile and takes a dive, grabs his gunblade, rolls on his shoulders, and stands up in front of Ellone.) Your days are numbered, Ellone!
True Ellone: Itssss a pity, Mr. Almasssy, that you won't consssider being my partner!
Seifer: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never said that. What are the benefits?
True Ellone: Blue Cross, a dental plan, and afterlife insurance!
Seifer: Hey, that's not bad, but what abou--
True Ellone: (Punches Seifer in the gut.) DIIIIEEEEE!!! (Aims a swivel chair above Seifer.)
Seifer: OOF!
Hammer: Yeah! Whoop whoop whoop! You go, girl!
True Ellone: (Swings the swivel chair down on Seifer.)
Seifer: (Stabs True Ellone.)
True Ellone: URK!!!-- Oh yeah... forgot about that gunblade...
Hammer: NO!
True Ellone: (Transforms back to Regular Ellone.) Mr. Almasy... ugh [greltch]... thank you... (Transforms into a paper doll.)
Hammer: Ohhhh, you ruined everything! I'll keeeeeeeel you!
Seifer: (Picks up the paper doll.) In a pig's eye you will, Hong Kong Phooey! (Shoots Hammer between the eyes.)
Hammer: PHOOEY! (Dies.)
(A bright flash appears. When it clears, Seifer is outside the burning Madam Scarlet's restauraunt.)
Seifer: Huh? Who're you?
Rufus: (Looking down at a dead slut.) Pfffff... I knew this place was out of code. (Walks away.)
Seifer: (Looks down at the paper doll in his hand.) I wonder what kind of power this thingy has. Whoops! (Trips, and drops the paper doll into the
fire.) Ah well.
***
THE SECRET HAPPY ENDING
Fujin: Trust me, Seifer. May the Force be with you.
Seifer: Oh, Fujin...
Fujin: Yes, Seifer?
Seifer: (Holds Fujin close to him and peers deep into her dark brown... eye.) May the Force be with you.
Seifer: (Smiles.) You smell like hash. (Lowers his gun.)
Fujin: (Smiles, and also lowers her gun.) So do you.
Hammer: Aw, how TOUCHING!!! NOW DIE!!!
Nemesis: (Begins to load bazooka.)
Hammer: What, you've just begun to load that thing?!
Nemesis: SORRY...
Hammer: Uggh...
Ellone: (Surrounded by winged demons.) Fujin, Mr. Almasy! Help! I need somebody! Not just anybody!
Fujin: (Shoots a few demons.) DIE.
Seifer: (Shoots a few more.) Yeah!
Fujin: Ellone, what do we have to do?
Ellone: (Points to a portrait of herself on the floor.) If I can work my magic on that portrait, it'll make everything all better!
Nemesis: (Finishes loading bazooka and aims at Fujin and Seifer.)
Seifer: This don't look so good...
Fujin: RIGHT. I'll take care of The Jerk! Seifer, you make sure Ellone works her magic!
Seifer: Will do, Fujin! (Runs with Ellone to the portrait.)
Hammer: Poopy! Get 'er!
Nemesis: ENCORE... (Shoots at Fujin.)
Fujin: (Dodges the missile and fires several shots at Nemesis.) WHEW.
Nemesis: Ouch. (Drops a paper chicken. Charges Fujin.)
Fujin: (Rolls out of the Nemesis' way and fires at it several more times. Picks up the paper chicken.) Hmm, I suppose I gotta burn this too! (Burns the paper chicken at a conveniently placed torch.)
Ellone: (Stands over her portrait.) Klatu... verata... nikto! Klatu... verata...
Seifer: ...Listen, Ellone, sorry about trying to kill ya and all..
Ellone: Think nothing of it, Mr. Almasy.
Seifer: Good! Cuz I didn't mean the apology!
Demons: Hey! Get away from that portrait!
Seifer: Aw jeez!
Ellone: Protect me! I'm almost done!
Demon: (Rushes at Ellone.)
Seifer: I don't think so, pinky! (Rams into the demon and shoots it in the face.)
Demon: BAGELS!! (Explodes into bean bags.)
Seifer: (Unsheathes gunblade.) Yeah! Two weapons at once! How dude-i-cal is that?! (Slices and shoots demons.)
Demon: LATHER!! (Swipes at Seifer.)
Seifer: (Jumps to the side, stabs the demon and shoots in the head.) WIPEOUT!!
Nemesis: YAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!! (Drops the bazoooka, and grows several tentacles out of its arms.)
Fujin: CRAP. (Shoots Nemesis a bunch of times.) C'mon, die!
Nemesis: (Whips Fujin across the face, tearing her eyepatch off.)
Fujin: (Falls to the floor clutching her face.) AAAHHH!!!!
Seifer: (Slaughters the last of the demons.) Fujin!!
Nemesis: Tee hee hee...
Hammer: Ha ha ha ha!!! FINISH HER.
Fujin: (Stands up and takes her hands away from her face.)
Seifer: !!!!!!!!!
Hammer: !!!!!!
Seifer: AAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! (Points at the big orange embedded in Fujin's face.)
Fujin: SHUT UP.
Seifer: I thought you lost your eye!
Fujin: QUIET. (Keeps on shooting until she's out of ammo.) CRAP.
Nemesis: Ooh! (Drops a paper chicken.)
Fujin: (Burns the paper chicken and straps another patch over her eye-orange.)
Nemesis: (Bursts into flames.)
Seifer: (Walks up behind Hammer.)
Hammer: NO! You meddling biotch! (Approaches Fujin.)
Fujin: Nuts...
Seifer: (Puts his gun up to Hammer's head.) Hey. Only I call Fujin that. (Pulls the trigger.)
[BLAM!!]
Hammer: Nertz!! (Dies.)
Seifer: Wiggy!
Fujin: Thanks, partner.
Ellone: (Finishes casting the spell.)
(A bright flash appears. When it clears, Fujin, Seifer, and Ellone are outside Madam Scarlet's resturaunt.)
Fujin: WOWEE.
Raijin: Hey guys, y'know?
Seifer: Raijin?! You're alive?!... (Looks at his sleeve.) Hey! My jacket sleeve is back!
Raijin: Now we can be a posse again, y'know?
Fujin: DAMN.
Ellone: Well, bye guys! I'm gonna get me a copier machine! (Leaves.)
Seifer: Mission accomplished!
Fujin: No, not yet...
***
(Back at GARDEN.)
Cid: Hey! You bought the PS2!
Seifer: Well, we didn't buy it as much as we did, uh, steal it.
Fujin: GRAND LARCENY.
Raijin: As long as we're kidnapping we might as well break same other laws, y'know?
Cid: Good to hear, good to hear. Well, see you guys some other time.
Seifer: Y'know, why couldn't we just have gone to Japan and bought it there? I mean, not only is GARDEN mobile, but we have the Ragnarok as well.
Cid: That's enough common sense for today, kiddies! Now GET OUT!!
Fujin: POO.
Cid: (Kicks them out of his office.)......DAMN!! I should've asked them to get some games!
THEEND
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