My poems!

[Misty]

Everybody seems to be jumping on the poem bandwagon these days, so I thought I'd share a poem I actually wrote when I was having one of the lowest days of my life.

It's not very good, I don't think......but I'd like to hear your opinions on it. And don't worry, I don't feel this way now. It doesn't rhyme or anything, so bear with me--I'm not good at finding rhymes.

This poem was a way of letting all me feelings out when I couldn't hold it inside. For some strange reason, it made me feel a little better afterward.....I find that sometimes writing things down is a good form of therapy, and my poetry, although so-so, is one of those things I like doing. I'll share more of them if you want.



Sadness


I am in no mood
To embrace the sunlight.
My bed is unmade.
My clothes are all over the floor.
My eyes are dry
From all the tears that I’ve cried.
My chest throbs in pain
From the heart that is broken.

There are times when I feel
I am not loved.
I am not appreciated.
I am not worthy of your eyes.

I withdraw in my corner
Where I have slept throughout the night.
I ignore the comfort of my own bed
I ignore the pleasantries
Of the crisp night air
That blows through my open window

I look away from the sunlight
That now shines
Greeting a new day.
Another day of happiness.

But not for me.
It is another day of loneliness
The sun does nothing
To warm my heart.
For it’s already broken
And my happiness is long gone.

No one is there
To hug me when I’m crying.
No one is there
To hold me when I’m dying.
No one is there
To pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
No one is there
To listen to my screams
To take the knife
Away from my hand
As I cut away at my undeserving flesh
And I begin bleeding

No one is there
To heal these wounds of mine.

I sit alone
Huddled in my corner.
Waiting for the night.
Wondering if I’ll ever
Open my eyes
Again
To the next morning sun.


(Like I said, I don't think it's structured well......but what do you think? Please be honest and give criticism. I'd like to get better at it. Thanks!)

[Czechs Mex]

My bed is unmade.
My clothes are all over the floor.

These are my favorite lines in the poem. I like them because they don't explicitly state the author's feelings, but force the reader to make his or her own inferences.

Since it sounds like you're looking for suggestions, I'll say that, in my opinion, you could improve your writing by being more indirect in describing your emotions in the poem. So, for example, this:

There are times when I feel
I am not loved.
I am not appreciated.
I am not worthy of your eyes.

is too much for me. I think you can make your poems more devoid of emotion on the surface, and still have them convey the feeling of lonliness you're trying to express.

Just my opinions. Keep it up!

[Misty]

Ah, thanks Czechs!

in my opinion, you could improve your writing by being more indirect in describing your emotions in the poem.

That's a good idea. Usually when I do stuff like this, I like to be descriptive. I guess my way of trying to convey an emotion for the reader can get carried away with too much description. This poem--I wrote during a sad time in my life. Being wrapped up in my negative feelings at the time, I was really working the penmanship. I guess the results were okay at best, but now that I'm in a better state of mind, I can go back and fix it a little.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll probably share another one in the future. :)

[altoecko]

Thank you for sharing your poetry, I'm sure it's not easy showing something so personal on here. I'm glad your in a better mood now. =D Anything I could have really said Czech's covered. Won't you please share some more poetry?

[The Dread Lord]

Well I'll get critical to a degre for you.

I'm a stickler when it comes to poetry, well in my own way, and what you wrote about isn't my favorite thing to read, mainly because mostly all people write the "I'm so sad" stuff. No offince, its just a comin starting point for any poet. As for your modivation to write, well thats the best. You have a foundation, and I'll explain it more so to you. Ok, though your topic isn't my favorite its still intresting, I'm not saying I haven't wrote self angst pems, nor am I saying I won't do it again.

Ok well I noticed by what you said, your influence to write this work, was something most poets find hard to find. Also by what I read you have something more here than you conveyed, which is another reason I like this. To me you have the "foundation" here but you lack the extiorer, which is something better than the opposite, because without the foundation your poem crumbles into shams rather quickly.

Your foundation, as what I read thus far into your work, is your raw emotion that you were trying to convey. The sadness that was constricting your soul. And from the sadness you rose and did what I feel was the best choice of action, you wrote it down. Thus your poem.

As I read through your poem I noticed there was the one thing it was missing, it was visuilizations, and the feeling you had. I mean sure you said it was sad, sure you said it was painful, but if you tell the reader what to feel you actually take away from the biggest part of any written work, the imagionation. Thus why I said you were missing your extireror to your poem. I'd suggest to alude to feelings in multiple parts, or maybe speak metaphoricaly. when you don't tell someone exactly how something is its alot better. My old Literature teacher use to scold me when I turned in a story or a poem, saying it was decent but there was one thing I could change to make it better. and I'll say the same to you, Its decent but theres one thing that would make it better. Show me whats going on, show me the emotion, show me the feelings, show me the poem, don't tell me.

Raitings. ((From 1-10))


Style 9 (The flow was odd, but it made it emphisize multiple points, I like that)

Wording/Context 9 (It all stayed in the same person, it didn't swap from first to third person, or from future/presant wordings)

Visuilations 3 (Not saying the ones provided are bad, just that most of the poem is told to you how it is, with little to the mind to play with, mind candy is the true viziliation of any poem)

Theme 10 (you didn't change thought patterns mid go, a problem alot of poets have *myself included*)

Overall 7.5
Not shabby


PS, never once in here did I atempt to flame, insult, hurt, putdown, or any other shape or form try to lower you or your self esteem on purpose. I'm saying this all in a verry understanding tone, and sadily text has the tendancy to make things seem derogitory or inflamitive, especially coming from me. This is just advice from one poet to another, and if you think I'm mistaken then I most likely am. :D Take my words with a grain of salt please, but I do hope they have shead some new light.

[Misty]

:lol wow, I wrote this thing a month ago! Good to see it back.

Heya, Dread Lord, don't even worry about it. Like I said before when I first shared this poem, I wanted people to be honest and give criticism. Your comments and suggestions are very appreciated, and I am in no way offended. If I felt people would hurt my feelings because of the context and subject matter behind my poem, I would not have posted it at all. The Pavilion is a place to express yourself, and that's what I was doing.

Yes, it was something I wrote during my darker days, and it is deeply personal to me. But let's be real. It's not structured well and there are a lot of problems. And I do like writing poetry sometimes. I may never be Altoecko or Czech Mex, but you know, I'd like to write poetry that's, at best, decent. :lol I don't know...I find poetry to be good therapy. At least for me. I just thought that I'd post some of what I've done personally so I can get feedback.

Hitogoroshi told me this once......honest criticism is a lot better than blind praise. :)

So, yeah, it's all right, Dread Lord! I'm happy that you found this poem and took the time to read and analyze it for me. Honestly, I didn't think anyone would care about it after a month had gone by, but you ressurrected it and took an interest in reading it, and that's what really matters to me.

Thanks for your feedback again!

EDIT: The "I'm sad" subject isn't exactly my favorite subject either--I just wanted to share this bit because I consider it to be one of my "highlights". Of course, it doesn't change the fact that it's far from perfect though. :lol

[Armored]

I dont think you need to listen to someone who spells it "modivation", anyway. Or offince, or.. well I stopped reading at that point.

=p

[The Dread Lord]

I dont think you need to listen to someone who spells it "modivation", anyway. Or offince, or.. well I stopped reading at that point.

=p

Well I know I spell bad, and thats something people will have to put up with XP

Untill I actually get the internets back up at my new pad, then I'll have spell check, but at work its IE6.omgthatsux

[Misty]

Sadness (edited)

[I]I am in no mood
To embrace the sunlight.
My bed is unmade.
My clothes are all over the floor.
My eyes are dry
From all the tears that I’ve cried.
My chest throbs in pain
From the heart that is broken.

There are times when the loneliness
Envelops me like a torrent
As if to feed off my suffering
Drinking from my vulnerable soul
That streams from my red eyes
Like the tears that I have cried.

I withdraw in my corner
Where I have slept throughout the night.
I ignore the comfort of my own bed
and the pleasantries
Of the crisp night air
That blows through my open window

I look away from the sunlight
That now shines
Greeting a new day.
Another day of happiness.

The laughter outside
And the chirping birds
Only ferment my agony
For I have no desire to hear it
Maybe it's just me....
Maybe I am the only one
Covering my eyes
Closing my eyes
To the happiness and light
That I don't wish to see

I guess I'm a puppet
Controlled by a string
Dancing endlessly
To the tune of silence
Even then
My body aches
For I don't feel like dancing.

The day passes
And I'm still withdrawn
Still sitting
Still feeling
The silence and the loneliness
Made me forget about
The passage of time
At least for the moment
I forgot to take notice....
I suppose.

My bed is still unmade
But at least, the moon is shining
The night is here
And the day is over
For now.....

(Fixed it a little. Hopefully it's better. If not, you know the drill!)

I'll post something new in the future--a little lighter and happier on the subject matter. :)

[The Dread Lord]

Bravo,
I indeed can see a ton of change, from just telling me what to see to showing me. I’ve never seen someone do a 360 on any work in such a short span of time. I’m really impressed. This work has a soul to it now, emotion and power. You must have really loved this work to remake it into something that it is now, or (if I dare say) still feel the same way as then and you were now able to express it deeply, thus your reminisce of the emotion hasn’t faltered.

“The laughter outside
And the chirping birds
Only ferment my agony”

That phrase I really enjoy. You alluded to your own depression growing deeper by using the word ferment, which is to age and grow more potent. Like a fine wine ageing in the cellar. Truly you seem to have grown more powerful as a poet than when that work was first written.

As for your subject matter, worry not. Don’t post what others want to see or read, post what you feel. If its dark and creepy, then show them the darker side, the whiter shade of pale. If its something you truly wish to show, post it. I don’t believe anyone will judge you based off your poetic preferences

[Perversion]

I dont think you need to listen to someone who spells it "modivation", anyway. Or offince, or.. well I stopped reading at that point.

=p


Same.

[Misty]

Oh, Perversion :)

Thanks for the comments, Dread. :D To be honest, I was kinda throwing caution to the wind. I had to recognize the problems that you and Czechs pointed out, like the "No one loves me" and "I'm sad and depressed" direct stuff. Because my mind is a lot clearer than it was when I first penned this thing, I was able to go back, change the stuff to something more appropriate to the context of the poem, and work my way up from there. I find it is a whole lot easier to work with a poem when you're not so emotionally hindered and messed up. The result? A decent entry!

I'm a bit of a greenhorn when it comes to poetry, even though I've been writing it on and off for several years. You, Dread, seem to have so much more experience in the field and might even give Altoecko a little competitive edge! Again, your comments, criticism and honesty are all very appreciated.

[The Dread Lord]

Honesty is something that comes by me easily. Thanks for the complement though if you flatter me like you do my ego will swell and I'll float out of my cubicle. I'll read more of your works when ever you post them. Take care.

[Chuck]

I like your poem, Misty. Both versions. I don't really want to give any advice since given how crappy my poems were any advice from me would probably make it worse. :p Looking forward to reading something more upbeat from you.

[Misty]

Thanks, Chuckie dear ;)

Okay, now for something a little different. Don't worry--this one's more happier in the subject matter, and it actually rhymes. :p I wrote this one a year ago and, unlike the "Sadness" poem, I did spend a bit of time on it (probably a little more than I should have, but anyway :lol) .....I wasn't submitting it for publication or anything--it's just for fun. (I said before that I wasn't good at finding rhymes, so this one is a little special. I guess I'm too modest, I suppose, but still...)

Feedback is greatly appreciated--positive or negative, it doesn't matter. I appreciate them both. Again, like the last poem, please be honest and give criticism when applicable. Enjoy ^_^

Year's End

The virgin moon over the city shines with such glee
As the radiantly colored street lights dance all around me.
My family and friends dance lively in the street
The sound of gentle pitter-patter sparkles under their feet.
The ball has just dropped--the fireworks blared
For a moment there, I was a little scared
At the sudden explosions of light and colors in the sky
But then I remembered......another year had gone by.

Yes....another beautiful year had come to an end
And I remembered the kindness and love of all my family and friends.
My best friend and I sit next to each other
And watch as a child gives a loving hug to his mother.
A tad to the west, an off-duty policeman is stuffed
By the box of glazed donuts in which he can't get enough.
My mother and father in a friendly embrace
The warm display of happiness can be seen on their face.

Two young lovebirds share a warm, apple pie
And my dear grandmother, who has a tear in her eye
Can only share her loving smile with us on this memorable night
The occasion made grandeur by the gorgeous moonlight.
My bratty little sister marvels at the delicious holiday food.
And sings her holiday minuet that resonates the mood.
The other kids run around, laughing and sharing in all the glee
As a feeling of laughter and joy envelops me.

A year has gone by, though I am a little sad.
The passing year had brought many troubles that were had.
My best friend looks at me and says with a smile
"We have been almost like siblings for quite a long while
Through all the pain and heartaches that we've seen
Our friendship is as strong as it has ever been.
We admit we have brought much frustration and grief
Yet we still possessed the will to believe.
We are like a loving family, sharing the laughter and the tears
We continue to carry hope and faith throughout the coming years.
We love one another, and I love you, too.
And that, my dear friend, will stick like glue."

I laugh a little at her light-hearted jest
But I knew deep down.....it was for the best.

Daylight is breaking, and the night is at an end.
I say a heartfelt goodbye to my dear and loving friend.
The crowds begin to separate, and say their own goodbyes
As tears of happiness begin to well deep in my eyes.
My heart is at rest for the love that I share
With my friends and loved ones that have always been there.
Because there is still more out of life for me to gain
Their support and guidance shall forever remain.
With my long black hair flowing gently in the breeze
I finally begin to feel a little more at ease.

The dancing has stopped. The year is anew
As I now fondly bid a warm salutations to you.
I begin my journey back home - I cannot stay here.
For so much awaits me in a brand new year.

[Chad]

Sorry I'm late. Here's my critical eye.


Sadness (edited)
There are times when the loneliness
Envelops me like a torrent
As if to feed off my suffering
Drinking from my vulnerable soul
That streams from my red eyes
Like the tears that I have cried.


I think this is unnecessary. The lines before it work so well and create this neat, little storm cloud, tornado image in my head. We already presume you were sad enough to cry as noted in lines before.



I withdraw in my corner
Where I have slept throughout the night.
I ignore the comfort of my own bed
and the pleasantries
Of the crisp night air
That blows through my open window


I really like the wording here, as to describe the fresh out-side air as being this delicious treat in which you will not partake.


My bed is still unmade
But at least, the moon is shining
The night is here
And the day is over
For now.....


DUN DUN DUN! To be continued!

No, but honestly, I'm not a big fan of this line. I think it detracts from the poem. Well, maybe it's just because I'm not a big fan of ellipses, but it just seems like the line before it ends the poem a little better.



So, great poem. I liked the flow, and if I didn't comment on anything, I like it. If I did comment on something, I like it. Just throwing my two cents in. I'll read the other one later.

[Misty]

Thank you, Postulateguy! :)

I think this is unnecessary. The lines before it work so well and create this neat, little storm cloud, tornado image in my head. We already presume you were sad enough to cry as noted in lines before.

Ah, I see where that could be a problem. I'll take that bit of input to heart.


I really like the wording here, as to describe the fresh out-side air as being this delicious treat in which you will not partake.

Before it was just these lines "No one is around when I'm crying and being depressed" sort of thing. I thought it would be effective if I described something joyful and happy, then give the reader a sense of rejecting such beauty because of my own inner depression. People feel this way a lot, which I think is very tragic. If you don't want to embrace hope because of your wallowing and pain, then something is seriously wrong. Unfortunately, it was what I was feeling at the time--thank God I recovered from it.


No, but honestly, I'm not a big fan of this line. I think it detracts from the poem. Well, maybe it's just because I'm not a big fan of ellipses, but it just seems like the line before it ends the poem a little better.

I see what you mean. :) It works with a story, but a poem is a little trickier to do. When I first penned this thing, I ended it with an ellipse and didn't bother to finish it. Even now, when I'm correcting it, I'm still leaving it unfinished. The main problem was trying to find the right words to finish it. Since I couldn't, I left it as is. But even a poem like this needs an ending, so I'll see what I can come up with!


So, great poem. I liked the flow, and if I didn't comment on anything, I like it. If I did comment on something, I like it. Just throwing my two cents in. I'll read the other one later.

Most appreciated. You're doing exactly what I wanted you to do, and I thank you kindly for it. Don't be afraid to voice your criticisms. I won't get offended or anything like that--it's all part of the learning process. So hold nothing back. I can take it. :)

[The Dread Lord]

Well where to start. As refreshing as this poem is it still strikes me in an odd way. I see you’ve put thought into it and a lot of emotion, yet its seems so forced as you read through it. To me the rhyme scheme takes away from this poem, and at parts its hard to read. It’s not a bad poem; it just didn’t catch my eye well. At first it seemed like it had a melody till I read on and I found that even though it rhymed it had an odd feel and flow. The styling would have worked well with an alternating syllable style setup, as in every other line of syllables matched.

“Yes....another beautiful year had come to an end
And I remembered the kindness and love of all my family and friends.”

“Through all the pain and heartaches that we've seen
Our friendship is as strong as it has ever been.”

“We admit we have brought much frustration and grief
Yet we still possessed the will to believe.”


Those three pairs of lines strike me the most as being a rough force on rhymes. I’ll explain how so. The first pair of lines stop with friends and end. Friends being plural and end being singular make it feel rough on the rhyme because they don’t have the exact ending sound. The second pair of lines to me may look like a rhyme but when spoken don’t rhyme at all in sound, thus to me, taking away the flow of the poem. (Unless your saying been like the word bean) Lastly the third pair (Grief and Believe) doesn’t rhyme at all. It takes away from the feel you’re trying to put into the poem, but if you had believe changed into belief it would rhyme and flow as well.


My second thing here is the style of the poem; again it feels like you’re trying to tell us how it goes rather than showing us as a reader. Even as elegant as it is if you were to show us how the colors radiated off of those who stood around as the sound crackled in the air, or show how the music eased and calmed down from a roar to the voice of a mouse and how those who moved became still, as if they themselves were one with the music. Visuals are they key to bringing more life into the poem, though sometimes I’ll admit they can distract from the context as well.

Overall I say it was well thought out and well writ. There is always room for expansion and growth in anything; I know this from looking at my own works and critiquing them so much. I know most poets are their own worst critiques. I, being a poet, know it true. Keep up the good work and I expect to see more works from you.


PS
Remember to take what I say as only a grain of salt, I'm over critical in certain areas that may well need to be overlooked. My view is also jaded from personal experience and goals, thus it my not be entirely true for you. The best part of being a writer/poet is to remember poetry/writing is how you want it to be; a personal freedom that no one needs to correct. And if you feel what you write is correct then by all means it is.

[Misty]

Once again, thanks for the feedback, Dread. :)

As I said before, I have a bit of trouble with rhyming. Basically, I select two words that rhyme and try to make coherent sentences with them. It's all a matter of telling a narrative that goes with the subject I want to talk about. Rhyming poems, I think, are the most difficult to do, especially for me, and considering the amount of time I spent on this thing, it was no walk in the park. But I did the best I could though, and that's what matters.

Now I have this urge to submit more of my poetry. I don't know why I even want to, but I guess I'll do so since you guys enjoy them a lot. :) More to come, I guess...... ^_^;