The pavilion quest!

[simple man]

Ill try to stick with this story because everyone doesnt like the other ones because their totally random so.

In 2007 a girl named Misty was on her computer searching the fourms while something happened.She was sucked into her rpg maker disc.She was in a world of darkness and was knocked out...When she woke up she saw a super hero in tights.Hello misty it's me simple man! He replied. Oh god nooooo! It's simple man! She screamed.Whats wrong misty? Simple man questioned.Im stuck in an fantasy world with Simple man! How worse can it get? Well you wont survive on your own misty.Every person needs a party.Simple man said. I can survive on my own! Now leave! She screamed.Well im going back to Lord valkysas kingdom.Simple man said. Lord valkysas? Misty said. Yes lord valkysas.The man of the land.The man with the plan.Simple man said.Take me to lord valkysas.Misty said.Oh you said you didn't need a party.Simple man sneered.Im sorry Simple man! please take me to there.Ok......Lets go Misty.We just need to travel though some paths and dirt and we will be there. So Misty and Simple man team up and go to lord valkysas castle. Lord valkysas i found Misty! You did find another member? Good after your quest is done lots of rep for you! (heh i was kidding Valkysas thought) Misty your adventure should be finding Porkchops lost husband.Valkysas said.You mean gloomy? Yea you should know.Hes was captured in the ANTI-RPG clan its pretty hard to pass.Well you can enjoy your week off then its the quest.Valkysas said.Thanks valkysas. The two said. So Misty and Simpleman go to the bar.What do you want.Oblivion said.Ill have two pepsis please.Ok thats about twelve gold.Twelve gold!?!?!!? Thats alot for a pop! Misty said. Not for a fantasy world.Oblivion laughed. Well alright. So Simple man and Misty go sit down.So how we going to do this Simple man?Misty said. Well we can get a transport sword and do it but we have to kill a huge amount of dragons for that sword.Hey guys look at these two want to get that sword... Maijo said.*****! I will beat you at a bar fight!Simple man said randomly.No you cant you little kid. So simple man gets a potion and smacks it on his head and Maijo punches Simple man in his face.So Simple man finds a crude sword in his rugsack and slices maijos leather Armor in half.Oh you want to fight eh? Majio pulls out the omega bat and hits simple man out the window. And Misty uses her cuteness spell to stun maijo Ill take that bat majio. Ok!.Maijo replied.Good bye and good night.And misty hits maijo in the head and knocks him out.

I will write more later

[Perversion]

Re: The pavilion quest!

I have nothing constructive to say, so I will say nothing at all....oh, wait, I just said something, didn't I?

[Armored]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Oh man, step aside Ryner.

[Pagerron]

Re: The pavilion quest!

So simple man gets a potion and smacks it on his head and he punches Simple man in his face.

oh.

[simple man]

Re: The pavilion quest!

just never mind noone likes kids writing things anymore. all of you just make fun of my post

[Pagerron]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Cool. I see that you edited the story. Now that part makes sense to me.

My favorite part is where Majio says "Good bye, and good night" and then he is immediately knocked out by Misty with his own bat.

[thetruecoolness]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Well quotation marks, spaces and paragraphs are your friends. Also commas.

Of course the grammar needs a lot of work, the dialog isn't too bad besides the grammar, but the story itself seems very meandering. This just seems like the millions of fan fictions out there to me, with the exception this one is about forum members.

But if you want anyone to go through it you're going to have to start putting spaces between sentences, commas, and quotation marks around what people are saying, or at least commas after the dialog and before ___ said. Also it helps to separate out different areas of the story into paragraphs, and if you're going to have a dialog with two characters you typically put each line in it's own actual line. Not doing the above things makes a story very hard to read, and will turn everyone away. It adds a lot of extra brain processing that should not be necessary as your brain has to get used to this very wrong style of writing. As it is now it looks more like a jumbled mass of letters as opposed to written English (not making fun, just pointing out what it looks like at first look).

So just put a little more effort behind your stories, and use some formatting for Christ sake.

[simple man]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Look im sorry Misty i started that fight.Simple apologized. It's ok it was pretty funny when i hit him in the head with this omega bat. Misty said. Well misty we got a full week of preparation and resting.Simple man yawned. You know simple man.Your not really a bad person in fantasy form.Misty said while
stretching.Well lets find a nice inn and go to sleep.Hey heres Royal Crown inn.Simple man said. This is funks inn i can feel it! Misty said. So Simple man and Misty go in the Inn. Misty! whats Up? Funk said. Nothing just want a room. Well misty ill give you one free room with a double bed.You will have to pay for simples room.Ok how much. about five hundred Gold a month. I dont have that much.Misty said. Well you have to share your room. Oh no.No no noo! Misty Yelled.Well go on in your room then. Funk said.So Misty and simple man scooted from each other than slept. That was the worst sleep ive had in my Life.Misty said.Well we have six days left.Simple man said.

[Shard]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Spicy!

I like how Valkysas is the man of the land. There's too much punctuation and spelling. This is the story I would write if I could write.

[H2SO4]

Re: The pavilion quest!

True coolness summed up what I was going to say, but I'll repeat him for emphasis since it didn't really affect your last post.

It's hard to read something that has no spaces between sentences or paragraphs. Not to mention you don't need to say "funk said" or "misty said" every quote.

Watch this, here's what you wrote:

Look im sorry Misty i started that fight.Simple apologized. It's ok it was pretty funny when i hit him in the head with this omega bat. Misty said. Well misty we got a full week of preparation and resting.Simple man yawned.

That's hard to read, so here's one way it could look to make it sound better, and read easier:

"Look, I'm sorry Misty, I started that fight." Apologized Simple Man.
"It's ok, it was pretty funny when I hit him in the head with this omega bat." Misty Replied, laughing.
"Well Misty, we have a full week to prepare and rest." Simple Man said, yawning.

I'm not trying to bash your writing, just encourage you to put more effort into writing better.

[Valkysas]

Re: The pavilion quest!

well, its better than the last fanfiction that had me as a character.

[JPS]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Whats your fascination with Misty SM?

Anyways, we have no problem with you writing stories, and considering you are only 13, we cant expect you to have college level grammar skills either.

Theres always someone out there that will criticize your work, just ignore them, and after you spend enough time here, you'll learn whose comments to ignore and whose actually means something good behind them.

[SkylureX]

Re: The pavilion quest!

My favorite is the part about the pepsis.

[Misty]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Whats your fascination with Misty SM?

I ask myself that question every single day. Why is he so interested in me? I don't get it.

Although I'm .... flattered somewhat that you've made me into the star of your story, I'm a little uncomfortable to be honest. Don't take this the wrong way, but your interest in me is getting a little bit out of control. I'll be your friend, Simple Man, no problem. But that's as far as I want to go. Okay?

[Sejon]

Re: The pavilion quest!

Maybe he wants to take the relationship to the next level.

...Although I can't imagine what the next level of an internet forum relationship is...