I told you I'd keep you updated on what I found out with my mental issues. I'm doing that now.
I had blood tests done, an EEG, and an MRI. the results are in. they can't find anything wrong with me.
This is not the news I wanted to hear. if they can't find anything wrong with me, they can't help me. and I'm getting worse. hearing that all my tests were negative was heart-breaking. I want to be better. I don't want to have to put up with this anymore. I don't have a choice. I have to put up with it. I have to continue getting worse, losing focus more often and forgetting things I don't want to forget. I'm going to try some different over the counter pills that are supposed to help with memory and focus, so hopefully that might do something... but I'm not getting my hopes up.
When I originally posted about these problems and that I was finally seeking diagnosis and treatment, I had decided in advance that if the doctors couldnt help me, I'd step down from the pavilion because I'm pretty useless here lately. Working on the pavilion is a big source of frustration for me because I tend to forget what I'm doing and how to do it while I'm doing it. Last time I tried updating, I stared at the monitor for about an hour trying to figure out what I was doing and why.
I've changed my mind.
I don't think I'm up to working on the pavilion anymore, but I'm going to do it anyways. I'm going to try my best, even if it results in nothing actually happening in a timely manner. The pavilion will most likely suffer because of this decision. We've been getting a lot less submissions lately, a lot less RPG Maker talk. Having a webmaster that is currently incapable of using RPG Maker software is probably going to kill the site. I am the absolute worst person to be part of any website staff right now.
There's my motivation. There's the thing thats gonna kick me right in the ass every time I lose focus or forget how to do something. I have very few certainties in my life, very little I can actually be proud of. This place is the exception. in all my years here, I've done whatever it takes to keep this site alive. throwing a thousand or so dollars at a new server for the site? been there, done that. rebuilding the entire site from scratch in a weekend because of hardware failure? done that. twice, each with a completely different version of the site, at that. I also became a mod, admin, and then webmaster even though I had absolutely no desire to do any of those jobs. they had to be done, I did them.
The one constant in my life is that I an incapable of allowing the pavilion to die. I've resurrected this site from the dead once before, I can do it again if I need to. Staying here at the pavilion is going to help me deal with my problems. there's no better motivator in my life to keep pushing myself to get through this.
I will admit, I was going to step down tonight. honestly. I have the whole big post saved in a notepad file I had been working on all day. What the hell made me change my mind? a forum request that had been ignored since february. I saw the request, and I made the forum right away. It needed to be done, and I did it. doesnt seem like a big deal at all. the "big deal" is that I would have thought myself incapable of doing it last week. Typically I would have opened the admin control panel and immediately forgot why I opened it. So there is some hope for me yet. its gonna be spotty, but I can do it if I really force myself.
I'm rambling. I'll stop now.
I had blood tests done, an EEG, and an MRI. the results are in. they can't find anything wrong with me.
This is not the news I wanted to hear. if they can't find anything wrong with me, they can't help me. and I'm getting worse. hearing that all my tests were negative was heart-breaking. I want to be better. I don't want to have to put up with this anymore. I don't have a choice. I have to put up with it. I have to continue getting worse, losing focus more often and forgetting things I don't want to forget. I'm going to try some different over the counter pills that are supposed to help with memory and focus, so hopefully that might do something... but I'm not getting my hopes up.
When I originally posted about these problems and that I was finally seeking diagnosis and treatment, I had decided in advance that if the doctors couldnt help me, I'd step down from the pavilion because I'm pretty useless here lately. Working on the pavilion is a big source of frustration for me because I tend to forget what I'm doing and how to do it while I'm doing it. Last time I tried updating, I stared at the monitor for about an hour trying to figure out what I was doing and why.
I've changed my mind.
I don't think I'm up to working on the pavilion anymore, but I'm going to do it anyways. I'm going to try my best, even if it results in nothing actually happening in a timely manner. The pavilion will most likely suffer because of this decision. We've been getting a lot less submissions lately, a lot less RPG Maker talk. Having a webmaster that is currently incapable of using RPG Maker software is probably going to kill the site. I am the absolute worst person to be part of any website staff right now.
There's my motivation. There's the thing thats gonna kick me right in the ass every time I lose focus or forget how to do something. I have very few certainties in my life, very little I can actually be proud of. This place is the exception. in all my years here, I've done whatever it takes to keep this site alive. throwing a thousand or so dollars at a new server for the site? been there, done that. rebuilding the entire site from scratch in a weekend because of hardware failure? done that. twice, each with a completely different version of the site, at that. I also became a mod, admin, and then webmaster even though I had absolutely no desire to do any of those jobs. they had to be done, I did them.
The one constant in my life is that I an incapable of allowing the pavilion to die. I've resurrected this site from the dead once before, I can do it again if I need to. Staying here at the pavilion is going to help me deal with my problems. there's no better motivator in my life to keep pushing myself to get through this.
I will admit, I was going to step down tonight. honestly. I have the whole big post saved in a notepad file I had been working on all day. What the hell made me change my mind? a forum request that had been ignored since february. I saw the request, and I made the forum right away. It needed to be done, and I did it. doesnt seem like a big deal at all. the "big deal" is that I would have thought myself incapable of doing it last week. Typically I would have opened the admin control panel and immediately forgot why I opened it. So there is some hope for me yet. its gonna be spotty, but I can do it if I really force myself.
I'm rambling. I'll stop now.
Thanks again for everything you do and have done.
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