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ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

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    #1

    ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

    a short story (hopfully loki will read and make a comic) about a every day man and a borderline retarded girl that are married together

    Hey Lisa lets go to the mall. John said
    I like malls. Lisa said
    And so Lisa and John went into the mall
    I want new sweaters. Lisa said
    No Lisa we need food. John said
    You dont care about me. Lisa cried
    Stop crying your making yourself an idiot. John said.
    Who's that that wants to kiss you.Lisa said
    Oh god a zombie!. Yelled
    You are in love with someone else! Lisa said
    No its a freakin zombie give me that freakin shovel.
    Killing somones wrong.Lisa said
    You are a retard give me it.John said
    Well im leaving you.Lisa said
    John pushes the zombie off of him and grabs a bat.
    I got a suprise Lisa.John said
    Cupcakes? Lisa said.
    No....This is.John yelled
    John swings the bat at her head and Lisa falls to the ground.
    John beats her.
    Finally im done with her now i can get out of here.


    Chapter 2 will come soon
    Ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga gao gai gar!
    Tags: None
    #2
    Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

    STOP. DOUBLE. POSTING.

    Click "REPLY" ONCE and ONLY ONCE.

    Deleted your other topic. You are very close to having a daily post limit.
    Last edited by Valkysas; 02-02-2007, 09:41 PM.



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      #3
      Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

      i didnt double post when i wrote it i had to signed in again then it did it
      Ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga gao gai gar!

      Comment

        #4
        Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

        Could use some more descriptive passages.

        Comment

          #5
          Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

          Is this serious?

          Comment

            #6
            Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

            no its just a funny short story
            Last edited by simple man; 02-02-2007, 10:51 PM.
            Ga ga ga ga ga ga ga ga gao gai gar!

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              #7
              Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

              i see
              XBox Live: Alzar2k
              Playstation Network: Alzar2k

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                #8
                Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                Since you are 13, I am going to be kind. You need to break this up into paragraphs, and have someone do some grammar correction. Just like it was stated before, by Smurtle, you could use alot more discriptive wording, and not just jump into the story. I know you are capable of better, and this needs alot more revision. That's if it's serious.

                If it's not serious. ha ha ha ha. <wryly>
                Last edited by Libby; 02-02-2007, 11:08 PM.

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                  #9
                  Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                  Even if it's just supposed to be funny and not serious, you should make it look at least a little respectable. Try something more like this:

                  "Hey Lisa, lets go to the mall," John said.
                  "I like malls," Lisa replied.

                  Instead of:

                  Hey Lisa lets go to the mall. John said
                  I like malls. Lisa said
                  Last edited by H2SO4; 02-02-2007, 11:17 PM.

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                    #10
                    Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                    Man, what are they teaching kids in 7th grade?

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK



                      That's exactly what I was thinking, Lopez. I can never read what he is typing. I remember my works at that age to be better. I don't want to discourage you, simple, but you need some more practice. Who knows, you might get pretty good at it.
                      PSN: KingJamos

                      Add me... I'll wait.

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                        #12
                        Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                        I must say that trying to read that almost caused me brain damage.
                        "Those who want peace must prepare for war."

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                        The post above has a 70% chance for spam

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                          #13
                          Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                          this story is really deep, it really speaks to me..

                          i can relate, i cant tell you how many time my borderline retarded wife has acted like that in public.

                          sometimes i just want to smack her with a shovel and bat, because apparently spouse abuse is comical.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                            I actually wouldn't be surprised if Loki made this into a comic.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Re: ZOMBIE OUT BREAK

                              this is probably the best topic on the forums right now anyway peace out guys talk to you laer, bye

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